(no subject)
Well isn't this just dandy.
I was driving home from Xiomara's house a while ago..occupied by my headphones whilst music still played in the background. The rhythm was in sync. The contrast sounded quite nice; the vile tones of the locust with the allman brother's blues - it doesn't get any more offbeat - but they blended nicely.
So I thought, and I thought; it was a decent drive of about 15 minutes, and my head has been spinning with adrenaline so mind-blowing lately that time almost seems to stand still - especially on the way home. I'm not sure why, but I've just been thinking about all of my relationships with people so much lately.
What about Keith? David? Xiomara? Fuck, I haven't talked to Dawna in ages. In a way, she's the only "real" person within a twenty minute drive, and yet, she isn't. To me at least. I know she has it in her - to be the person she really is. But lately she has seemed like just another fad. She herself is not stereotypical in the least bit; it's just, certain things about her.
I wish I were still at camp.
On my drive I had this sort of..daydream. Not quite, really. It depicted something that could very well happen, but never did, and may not ever. Or maybe it has, or will, but in a more..metaphorical instance; wherein, the daydream's sequence or setting may not be exact, but the theme is still much the same.
I was in Lehman Hall, and I obviously hadn't eaten in a while. When questioned, I basically answered that I've been needing to feel something..real.
Imagining how is would feel like to jump from a cliff would be quite presumptuous, and surreal, if you've never done so yourself.
Actually doing so, just to feel something for yourself - feeling reality - seems very surreal and ever fantastical, but again, it is not, for you are feeling something that you once could only guess the sensation of.
Most can never help from presuming what sorts of things feel like - to starve, to burn, to freeze, to loose a limb - so why presume? This obviously seems so abstract, but it's quite the other way around. If people cannot be "real," then why not explore the physical aspect of reality? I need no sugarcoating. I need a reality, and if this isn't it, then I need one to escape to. Imagine starving, not to the point of death, but rather, to the point of depleting whatever endorphins/serotonin your brain might produce as a result of food. Then, just..fucking up your entire life, to no end. Blocking off all communication with mankind. What would it feel like to be completely devoid of any sort of positive feelings, but having no vent? No crying, no outbursts; nothing. Just letting it simmer. Not boil - simmer. Letting it sit, but not fester. Would one go mad, even without fester? And without ventilation, where would a madman turn to? What would become of such a man? That is not my ultimate question, though. I'd want to know how this madman feels. I couldn't possibly presume. But the human kind does not allow one to do that upon itself. The average human mind wouldn't even know how to go about doing so, or even have the capacity or creativity to even give a damn, or comprehend the idea. But that is not why it won't allow such a thing. It will not be allowed because of instinct. Nobody knows our main goal in life, but in order to get there, we have many little goals, simple enough for every human to accomplish. Among the bigger goals, is to "stay happy." Even the truly self-destructive have a reason for being so: self-destruction (to a certain point) gives them pleasure. It's just how we work. But even with that said, nobody has the capacity to let all systems fail, even on a mental level. Sure, suicide is easy - you don't have to think about the workings of suicide, just that it stops and eases pain, which relates back to our original goal. But, to keep a pain so great going..and going.. but with no vent, and no festation, it does not satisfy either parties.
Why do we do what we do, and call it reality, when we don't know what reality feels like? Everyone is coated, in some way or another. Yet, there are an exceptional few. Those who can mentally relate, or think outside of what they actually feel; those who are the MOST surreal, on a whole, are the biggest part of reality.
That's the sort of level I think that Melissa and Tim are on; they allow themselves to see things from everyone's point of view, not just to a certain point, but with everything and everyone. They allow not just their point of view, but every possible point of view and every point of view in reference to their own to follow through in their opinion with everyone.
People often act a certain way without realizing it; I, along with the above two, may do the same, but realize it - it just doesn't play a part in our actions. Julie did everything she could to be the center of attention: she didn't realize it, nor did she do it on purpose. I often think that one might perceive me as being hypocritical, in some ways. I could go on on this in example for decades, but rather, I'll give a short example.
..on second thought, I'll leave that up for interpretation; I'm getting quite lonely, and feeling extremely nervous and jumpy. My heart is racing. Why?