Mostly Ups
I'm currently infatuated with someone I never saw myself interested in, in the slightest.
I spent most of the day with an absolutely beautiful waifboy.
Things about him I never foresaw liking in anyone:
Smaller than me, even
Projects "gay" 100 feet in every direction
Never lets an opportunity to scamper pass by
Completely submissive
Indecisive
TEENAGER
He's a 19 yr old art student, mildly catty, mildly vain, mildly elitist... in all the ways I am but usually try not to be. Something I was just thinking, is that he's what I may have been if I'd loved myself.
Perhaps that's the attraction.
So far, I do find all of his flaws charming.
We went out Thurs night, and I ended the night with a chaste kiss, as to avoid my temptation to grope. --I am truly a god of self-control. Truly.-- I took him on a walking tour of downtown Manchester, and I parked on my street. Never told him. Never even mentioned my place being near. All to make sure I didn't end up committing any regretful immediate satisfaction.
Friday, I think I texted him more messages than I have total since I got my phone in January. I was truly an obnoxious highschooler, all friggin' day. Coworkers actually asked "Hot date?" upon noticing me texting someone for the umpteenth time. All I said was "Maybe" with a coy smile, as I don't really trust any of them, yet.
It's hard not to feel like a smooth but dirty old man. Things I say to people I like floored him. My biggest fear of guys, is that I'm one, I know what we're like, and I don't want to be treated like that. I have been told I'm a great date/boyfriend. I chalk it up to basic consideration instilled in childhood coupled with that I can compliment using polysyllabic words. Oh, and I also hold doors, which he liked.
Is this the plight of the culture I'm toeing the line of? Holding doors, saying simple things like "I'm glad to have met you", and not immediately groping is so foreign as to be startling? Even his 'girlfriends' were shocked that I didn't try and get in his pants. "You're worth romancing" made him feel slutty. "I want to experience you" was the best thing anyone's ever said to him.
Am I laying it on thick? I really don't think so. I'm at a place in life where I'm not ashamed to speak my mind.
Today was shit hot. Really miserable outside, uncomfortable inside. I didn't get up in time to clean the place up, and I was pretty embarrassed at the state of disarray my apartment was in. I even bought new non-flannel sheets. It's been so long since I've wanted to do these things for someone. I want to go buy lemons because he always asks for lemon in his water when we're out. I want to buy him real sandals because all he can afford are flip-flops.
I walked him down by the river, which was much cooler. Took him to Blockbuster, and I actually enjoyed "Because I said so" because he wanted to see it. During the scene that the old people are on the couch feeling awkward, I said "I can take a hint" and initiated movie-watching cuddling. We took a break to watch a hail/thunderstorm.
We fooled around for an hour and a half. I made sure to say, "This isn't the only reason I'm interested in you", just to reiterate that I'm not any of the other schmucks who pounce on teenagers. His smile... just wow. It's probably from a conservative upbringing, but I do usually cringe at anything submissive in a male. PG-13 fooling around with Kyle (his name, finally) was better than sex with Sam.
I am smitten. And I know I'm making a glorious mistake.
He's headed back to school in NJ, next weekend. I just sighed deeply as I typed that. I am trying to maintain a European perspective on this: This is just a 'grand passion' that us artists are supposed to have to keep our souls alive.
To that extent, I feel parts of me waking up that I intentionally killed. I blew it with Amanda in 2004, 2006, then again last month, simply because of a choice to be emotionally unavailable. As much as I don't want to be hurt again, I don't want to be the person I've been for most of the past 6 years.
Kyle makes me want to Wake Up - I chanted "I'm a fucking idiot" on my drive home, Thursday night
I intend to proceed down the beautiful road to devastation.
I spent most of the day with an absolutely beautiful waifboy.
Things about him I never foresaw liking in anyone:
Smaller than me, even
Projects "gay" 100 feet in every direction
Never lets an opportunity to scamper pass by
Completely submissive
Indecisive
TEENAGER
He's a 19 yr old art student, mildly catty, mildly vain, mildly elitist... in all the ways I am but usually try not to be. Something I was just thinking, is that he's what I may have been if I'd loved myself.
Perhaps that's the attraction.
So far, I do find all of his flaws charming.
We went out Thurs night, and I ended the night with a chaste kiss, as to avoid my temptation to grope. --I am truly a god of self-control. Truly.-- I took him on a walking tour of downtown Manchester, and I parked on my street. Never told him. Never even mentioned my place being near. All to make sure I didn't end up committing any regretful immediate satisfaction.
Friday, I think I texted him more messages than I have total since I got my phone in January. I was truly an obnoxious highschooler, all friggin' day. Coworkers actually asked "Hot date?" upon noticing me texting someone for the umpteenth time. All I said was "Maybe" with a coy smile, as I don't really trust any of them, yet.
It's hard not to feel like a smooth but dirty old man. Things I say to people I like floored him. My biggest fear of guys, is that I'm one, I know what we're like, and I don't want to be treated like that. I have been told I'm a great date/boyfriend. I chalk it up to basic consideration instilled in childhood coupled with that I can compliment using polysyllabic words. Oh, and I also hold doors, which he liked.
Is this the plight of the culture I'm toeing the line of? Holding doors, saying simple things like "I'm glad to have met you", and not immediately groping is so foreign as to be startling? Even his 'girlfriends' were shocked that I didn't try and get in his pants. "You're worth romancing" made him feel slutty. "I want to experience you" was the best thing anyone's ever said to him.
Am I laying it on thick? I really don't think so. I'm at a place in life where I'm not ashamed to speak my mind.
Today was shit hot. Really miserable outside, uncomfortable inside. I didn't get up in time to clean the place up, and I was pretty embarrassed at the state of disarray my apartment was in. I even bought new non-flannel sheets. It's been so long since I've wanted to do these things for someone. I want to go buy lemons because he always asks for lemon in his water when we're out. I want to buy him real sandals because all he can afford are flip-flops.
I walked him down by the river, which was much cooler. Took him to Blockbuster, and I actually enjoyed "Because I said so" because he wanted to see it. During the scene that the old people are on the couch feeling awkward, I said "I can take a hint" and initiated movie-watching cuddling. We took a break to watch a hail/thunderstorm.
We fooled around for an hour and a half. I made sure to say, "This isn't the only reason I'm interested in you", just to reiterate that I'm not any of the other schmucks who pounce on teenagers. His smile... just wow. It's probably from a conservative upbringing, but I do usually cringe at anything submissive in a male. PG-13 fooling around with Kyle (his name, finally) was better than sex with Sam.
I am smitten. And I know I'm making a glorious mistake.
He's headed back to school in NJ, next weekend. I just sighed deeply as I typed that. I am trying to maintain a European perspective on this: This is just a 'grand passion' that us artists are supposed to have to keep our souls alive.
To that extent, I feel parts of me waking up that I intentionally killed. I blew it with Amanda in 2004, 2006, then again last month, simply because of a choice to be emotionally unavailable. As much as I don't want to be hurt again, I don't want to be the person I've been for most of the past 6 years.
Kyle makes me want to Wake Up - I chanted "I'm a fucking idiot" on my drive home, Thursday night
I intend to proceed down the beautiful road to devastation.