Lives of Quiet Desperation
What a fucking dog-ass day. I ended up talking not only to Jini, but to Theeka of all people. Had things out, learned a lot about a lot, some of which I don't feel right talking about, even under heavy encryption. I'll just say some of my ghosts, not all, but some of 'em are just sheets in the wind. All these years, so many wasted nightmares...I've been confused bad about these things all my life. Well, nothing new there, I guess. Anyway, I feel a little bit stronger in the face of the ghosts I have left, and maybe someday soon, when I get just a little bit stronger still, I'll be able to take the fight to 'em. I hope so. I know I'm not so scared anymore.
Just empty.
Saw Ataxia, and tried to offer a little reassurance, now that I've got my own head on a little straighter, but I couldn't do a fucking thing. I just made her hurt worse, cry harder. Poor kid's been pushed and pulled from so many sides, she thinks I'm gonna try to run her life, too. Try to protect her so much I smother her. That's not what this was about at all, but I couldn't make her see, and I guess I can't blame her. Maybe it's what I've been doing the whole time. So confused...did I fuck up? How? When?
Feeling so lost. I wish Dia was here, or Warez. It'd be nice to know someone still believes in me; I sure as hell don't right now.
I remember the way she looked at me before she walked away. Don't cry for me, she said, you'll only make me cry too. Thorshammarr's sitting beside me on the bed; I see my face reflected in chrome, and it looks like I can't even give her that much.