screaming like bombs for it
so there's that one thing that noone knows, except michelle, and she only know because shjes seen it, but noone knows about it. it's something that' supposed to keep secret from everyone because it's just....it's like eating...you just don't tell anyone you do it because it's so natural for you to do it in a day. last night i was talking to michelle about t because we were playing mind games with each other and it just turned into this stripped of all emotion thing. now it's a fuckin...i'm talking about something you do out of shame, because it has to keep you going in life.it's something that has taken over your life and it sets the agenda it's mental and physical. i hate it no, i used to love it but now i just hate it. it's time consuming, and mentally draining. i didn't think it was anything really until last night, i mean i didn'twant it to be man, but it just happened to be. but michelle told somebody like 2 moths ago, real goddamn important, but..at first i got so mad, cause i trusted her, but all she wanted to do was help..so i understood..she told me that out of everyone i'm the one who's supposed to understand her out of everyone and sometimes she doesn't even think i do. we stayed up until 3 talking, there were tears, grudges, award silences..just tears..lots of them and connections.. i kinda, i dunno dude, i just.. i could see it in her eyes how much she cares for me and i her voice everytime she broke down crying because of me. i believed her when she said that i'm stronger than what i give myself credit to and im not the person on the couch in a ball crying because i let something take over me. i just..man..i thought everyone has something that they can't kick you know, something that is in control. theni kinda figured out that not everyone has something controlling their lives, and if they do it's not alright. only people like me have habits like these that control them and can't kick, it's people like me who always have to have something there that will eventually kill me. maybe other people have habits that are good for them. only people like me. i wish i waslike 14 again, although it wasn't long ago, but at that age i was fuckin pure, i didn't have the thoughts i had, i mean i went through some shit, but dude i was ultimately okay about it dude, i knew i could get through it and i ws optimistic, iwas fuckin..just a happy kid. then time went on and i got into relationships, i got into drugs, i got into other things, i went through more, and i felt other things. i became this. someone who is dependent on something to get them through the day. i'm not even dependent on michelle to get me through thre day, i'm dependent on her as being in my life..but not day by day. i don't know what happened but now i'm in this spiral of lying, of drugs, of addictions of love and confusion. i feel helpless. i just wanna feel and be happy. but CAUSE IF I CAN'T LEARN TO MAKE MYSELF FEEL BETTER HOW I EXPECT AYONE ELSE TO GIVE A SHIT?! cause i swear that i'm dying, slowly but it's happening.