My Shaggy Dog
My brain is bent. Exactly a year ago tomorrow I made a livejournal post about emptying out. I remember as I prepared for my trip to Europe, and as I prepared to receive a large sum of money I was starting to self destruct. But I really felt like I should... for some reason. I didn't know the reason and I didn't push to know. I trusted my instincts. I felt like my life was ending though. I felt like Europe was going to change everything and I was trying to aid the dying process. One with a mind for diligence can look back and see this theme emerge consistently through the past year. 1:20 - half a darvocet. Looking at it from the other side of the grave is something quite different. I planted myself firmly in the ground just so I could crawl out.
I don't blame myself. I felt empty. I needed to know that I wasn't going to let myself be that way forever. I was like that parent that makes the kid smoke the whole pack. I was also the kid in this fantastic analogy! I guess there was a point somewhere. I think the point is that I'm looking back, and I feel a circle is being completed. I have a hunch it's the most important circle yet. The other point is that kids made fun of me when I was a little girl and that's really been on my mind lately. It's something that makes me scared when I'm not looking, something I don't understand, and something that makes me cry a lot. Everything was so brutal when I was a kid, because I didn't understand anything. Bitter 'til the end.
I don't blame myself. I felt empty. I needed to know that I wasn't going to let myself be that way forever. I was like that parent that makes the kid smoke the whole pack. I was also the kid in this fantastic analogy! I guess there was a point somewhere. I think the point is that I'm looking back, and I feel a circle is being completed. I have a hunch it's the most important circle yet. The other point is that kids made fun of me when I was a little girl and that's really been on my mind lately. It's something that makes me scared when I'm not looking, something I don't understand, and something that makes me cry a lot. Everything was so brutal when I was a kid, because I didn't understand anything. Bitter 'til the end.