WHAT!?! A Post!?! OMG!!! The world ends....
Okay...so yeah...The worlds have collided and I've been thrown into outer space. Shall I explain? I shall...woe be to the reader. I'm also feeling a bit snarky, which is good because if I weren't I might be crying hysterically....I could still end up that way. *shrugs*
So..what has befallen this shadow?
Let's start with a positive thing. I've applied for the Herron School of Art, been accepted, but I'm waiting to see if I get the financial aid I need. The fact that we filed bankruptcy recently and that I already have a shit ton of debt in financial aid, worries me. But, I'm trying to remain hopeful.
Now...for the rest of the shit.
1. I was seeing a psychologist for $20/hour. I quit because the guy was a total quack. He tried to tell me that depression was a lifestyle. I just couldn't get on board with that. AND, he continuously went on and on and on...about eating habits and becoming a vegetarian..etc etc. Not so much about what was bugging me or how to fix it. Fucktard.
2. My Only RP group on SL is just not doin' it for me any more. It's more work than anything. And I feel like I'm searching...searching for that someone to connect with, to help me release this dark knot of need in my gut. Whipping, flogging, abuse..yeah...I'm hitting that dark place again. So why, you ask.
3. Jonathan is very depressed as well. He's feeling lost and can't find his direction, can't figure out what he should be doing. So, in order to figure this all out...he's left. He went back home to his family in Alabama. I can't blame him for looking for comfort, but at the same time I am so upset. Why can't "I" be that comfort? So...here I am...alone again. On my own.
Oh he and I talk every day, but...it's not the same. I can't see his face. I can't touch him. He can't touch me. It's making me crazy and I'm just not handling it well, I don't think, but outwardly...I so look like a trooper. *sag* I'm okay for small periods of time, when I'm hanging with my Mother (who I'm living with again) and my wonderful daughter, Felicia. I'm okay for that time, but when we come home, I go back to my room and that's where I stay. Where I sleep too much, sit in front of the computer. That's it, that's ALL I do. I might pick up a book now and again and read. I might step outside to go get something to eat or drink.
Oh and I'm not working. I can't....even face the idea of working. I don't think I can join that rat-race anymore. When I think about it I get SOOOO anxious and sick.
OH another upside I guess...I have all my medications for at least 90 days. So I'm getting that taken care of. I've lost 4 jean sizes, though I'm not exercising...what does that mean? I'm melting...meeeeellllting!
I watched a movie the other day that totally scared the bejeezus out of me. It's called After.Life. Do not leave out the period. It stars Liam Neesom and Christina Ricci and the guy that play Dairy in Jeepers Creepers. Yeah...all I can say is that "I'm not dead." But..am I?
Yeah, I don't know. So that's me currently. Living with Mom again. Sleeping too much. Sitting in front of the computer for hours on end. And melting all alone.
I miss touch.
Not so snarky now...fuck
So..what has befallen this shadow?
Let's start with a positive thing. I've applied for the Herron School of Art, been accepted, but I'm waiting to see if I get the financial aid I need. The fact that we filed bankruptcy recently and that I already have a shit ton of debt in financial aid, worries me. But, I'm trying to remain hopeful.
Now...for the rest of the shit.
1. I was seeing a psychologist for $20/hour. I quit because the guy was a total quack. He tried to tell me that depression was a lifestyle. I just couldn't get on board with that. AND, he continuously went on and on and on...about eating habits and becoming a vegetarian..etc etc. Not so much about what was bugging me or how to fix it. Fucktard.
2. My Only RP group on SL is just not doin' it for me any more. It's more work than anything. And I feel like I'm searching...searching for that someone to connect with, to help me release this dark knot of need in my gut. Whipping, flogging, abuse..yeah...I'm hitting that dark place again. So why, you ask.
3. Jonathan is very depressed as well. He's feeling lost and can't find his direction, can't figure out what he should be doing. So, in order to figure this all out...he's left. He went back home to his family in Alabama. I can't blame him for looking for comfort, but at the same time I am so upset. Why can't "I" be that comfort? So...here I am...alone again. On my own.
Oh he and I talk every day, but...it's not the same. I can't see his face. I can't touch him. He can't touch me. It's making me crazy and I'm just not handling it well, I don't think, but outwardly...I so look like a trooper. *sag* I'm okay for small periods of time, when I'm hanging with my Mother (who I'm living with again) and my wonderful daughter, Felicia. I'm okay for that time, but when we come home, I go back to my room and that's where I stay. Where I sleep too much, sit in front of the computer. That's it, that's ALL I do. I might pick up a book now and again and read. I might step outside to go get something to eat or drink.
Oh and I'm not working. I can't....even face the idea of working. I don't think I can join that rat-race anymore. When I think about it I get SOOOO anxious and sick.
OH another upside I guess...I have all my medications for at least 90 days. So I'm getting that taken care of. I've lost 4 jean sizes, though I'm not exercising...what does that mean? I'm melting...meeeeellllting!
I watched a movie the other day that totally scared the bejeezus out of me. It's called After.Life. Do not leave out the period. It stars Liam Neesom and Christina Ricci and the guy that play Dairy in Jeepers Creepers. Yeah...all I can say is that "I'm not dead." But..am I?
Yeah, I don't know. So that's me currently. Living with Mom again. Sleeping too much. Sitting in front of the computer for hours on end. And melting all alone.
I miss touch.
Not so snarky now...fuck