Will you be my Judas?
It feels like forever since I updated and now I am doing it, I can't think of what to say...
I still haven't heard from my friend Deb who is in Malaysia. I am going to go this NZ news site where you can put out people's names and they'll tell you if they find them.
It feels like needles in haystacks.
I still have her Xmas gifts. "Don't worry about sending them, by the time they reach here, i'll be back".
It is all over the news here, in the newspapers, on people's minds. I watched the news tonight - the first time in days. There was a large section on the tsunami's, showing the footage. It is so tragic... so sickening. Whole islands wiped out...
I am trying not to think about Deb. She is probably ok, but the doubt is always there. I am trying to keep my mind busy.
I watched a DVD mum bought me for Xmas, Ambush in Waco. About Waco, obviously. It was good, very interesting.
I went into town earlier today. There was a Sri Lankan man holding a can that said 'flood relief fund for Sri Lanka'. I walked over to him and dropped all the coins I had into that can. He smiled at me and said thank you, thank you, thank you.
My leg is killing me, I have shin splints. Again.
I went and had a look at the flat we're probably moving into. I didn't have a key, so had to stand on my tip toes and look through the windows. It seems pretty cool.
I found a copy of House of Leaves today in my favourite bookstore. I was going to buy it online for $100. My mum was going to go halves with me in it. I bought it for $60. Mum didn't go halves with me. Still damn expensive, but worth it for sure.
Oh, happy New Years everyone.
I had a good new years night. I sat in my room with incense wafting about, fairy candles next to my hand as I sat on my bed and bled onto canvas.
I poured the wax into my wounds, it was an indescribable feeling.
I love the way wax sears and hardens. Moulding the flesh it is dropped onto.
In town today, people were staring at me. It makes me feel the size of a knat. I can see what they think. I hate that they glare at me int heir contemptuous ways. This woman in a BMW was particularly bad as I walked across the pedestrian crossing, trying to hold myself upright and not sink into the tar. She glared at me right across. As I walked in front of her, I looked at her car and said 'capitalist!' and walked as though I was confident across the other side.
I have a question... where do you look as people walk past you? Towards you? In front of you, behind you...? I try to focus on invisible people somewhere in the distance. That way I can nearly avoid all the glares and nasty looks I get.
I will not cave, I will not cave, I will... not.
I tried to think like Astrid in White Oleander. I hope tricked myself into momentarily thinking that I hope I offended people. I hope I scared them, made them want to retch. But then my real, pathetic, beauty and acceptance chasing persona came out. Once again, I fell, bowing at the fucking knees of media portrayed *happiness*.
" 'I know I'm falling and will soon slam into the bottom. I feel it rushing up at me.' But he can only live with this fear for so long before he recognises: 'I won't even know when I finally do hit. I'll be dead before I can realise anything's happened. So there is no bottom. It dies not exist for me. Only my end exists.' And then in a whisper. 'Maybe that is the something here. The only thing here. My end' " Pg 472
I still haven't heard from my friend Deb who is in Malaysia. I am going to go this NZ news site where you can put out people's names and they'll tell you if they find them.
It feels like needles in haystacks.
I still have her Xmas gifts. "Don't worry about sending them, by the time they reach here, i'll be back".
It is all over the news here, in the newspapers, on people's minds. I watched the news tonight - the first time in days. There was a large section on the tsunami's, showing the footage. It is so tragic... so sickening. Whole islands wiped out...
I am trying not to think about Deb. She is probably ok, but the doubt is always there. I am trying to keep my mind busy.
I watched a DVD mum bought me for Xmas, Ambush in Waco. About Waco, obviously. It was good, very interesting.
I went into town earlier today. There was a Sri Lankan man holding a can that said 'flood relief fund for Sri Lanka'. I walked over to him and dropped all the coins I had into that can. He smiled at me and said thank you, thank you, thank you.
My leg is killing me, I have shin splints. Again.
I went and had a look at the flat we're probably moving into. I didn't have a key, so had to stand on my tip toes and look through the windows. It seems pretty cool.
I found a copy of House of Leaves today in my favourite bookstore. I was going to buy it online for $100. My mum was going to go halves with me in it. I bought it for $60. Mum didn't go halves with me. Still damn expensive, but worth it for sure.
Oh, happy New Years everyone.
I had a good new years night. I sat in my room with incense wafting about, fairy candles next to my hand as I sat on my bed and bled onto canvas.
I poured the wax into my wounds, it was an indescribable feeling.
I love the way wax sears and hardens. Moulding the flesh it is dropped onto.
In town today, people were staring at me. It makes me feel the size of a knat. I can see what they think. I hate that they glare at me int heir contemptuous ways. This woman in a BMW was particularly bad as I walked across the pedestrian crossing, trying to hold myself upright and not sink into the tar. She glared at me right across. As I walked in front of her, I looked at her car and said 'capitalist!' and walked as though I was confident across the other side.
I have a question... where do you look as people walk past you? Towards you? In front of you, behind you...? I try to focus on invisible people somewhere in the distance. That way I can nearly avoid all the glares and nasty looks I get.
I will not cave, I will not cave, I will... not.
I tried to think like Astrid in White Oleander. I hope tricked myself into momentarily thinking that I hope I offended people. I hope I scared them, made them want to retch. But then my real, pathetic, beauty and acceptance chasing persona came out. Once again, I fell, bowing at the fucking knees of media portrayed *happiness*.
" 'I know I'm falling and will soon slam into the bottom. I feel it rushing up at me.' But he can only live with this fear for so long before he recognises: 'I won't even know when I finally do hit. I'll be dead before I can realise anything's happened. So there is no bottom. It dies not exist for me. Only my end exists.' And then in a whisper. 'Maybe that is the something here. The only thing here. My end' " Pg 472