(no subject)
well, I did not too bad yesterday, food-wise... my boyfriend met me at the train station and we walked around and went to Carl's Jr. He got a burger and I got a small diet Dr. Pepper yummm... only after he drank some, I couldn't have any more until I got a new straw because I was afraid there might be burger calories on the straw.
Later, at his place, we had some beers. I'd had a vicodin on the train and a percocet while we were in town, so the beers were hitting me a little harder than usual. I still ended up having four. They're Session lagers (they're soooo cute and they have little rock-paper-scissors in the caps!) and they're 130 cals each. I had 4, which is 520 calories, erkkk...
Still, at least we did a little bit of walking; even better to have been carrying stuff. He's scrawny so I always end up with the heavy bags... Only because I insist though; it's not really fair that he's already skinny and yet he carries the heavier things. Very sweet.
Butttttt the thing that sucks is that a combination of my naturally loose lips, not taking my meds for a couple days, and being on some goofy stuff, led to my talking about having an ed! I actually said, "I have an eating disorder... and it's getting worse faster than I think I can handle..." and I almost cried! Oh no!
But it's kind of like, I need more than just livejournal. I need someone in real life. I don't have a lot of friends; in fact, I pretty much just have The Boy. I have my parents, but... my dad wouldn't understand, and my mom, ehh, I don't know, would probably understand too well and sort of brush it off because then she won't have to deal with her own disordered eating.
Anyway, The Boy takes things as well as can be expected. He's not going to be all assy about eating, but he doesn't want me not to eat. He said that if I just stay the weight I am now that's perfectly fine.
What a lovely boy! He still likes me at 185... and it's not that he's into fat chicks, because when I was at 170 and we first got together I was talking about stuff and asked if he would find me unattractive if I lost a lot of weight and he said no, as long as I wasn't like 90 lbs, and that a little lighter might be good actually, and when I was at 160 he thought I was doing really well. So... yeah...
The good thing about last night's blabbing is that... oh shit, haha, I just forgot what I was going to write. I'll remember, though. Well, something else that doesn't suck (kind of) is that it's encouraging in a way. Because I don't want to feel like I'm using an ed as an excuse to binge around him. So while I don't want to draw attention by just not eating at all, you know... it's better than eating like a fuck.
Alright, hopefully I'll remember what it was I was going to say, because I think it was fairly significant.
OH!! And it turns out this super-pretty girl is going to the cabin thing, too, someone he knows from school. I hate her! She's chubby but she's so lovely and she has prettier eyes than me. I can deal with just about anything except not having the prettiest eyes. Actually she's really funny and cool and nice, but... that just makes me hate her more! Well... maybe we'll get to be friends, who knows! All I know is that she motivates me a lot because I feel like the only way to compete with her prettiness is to be thinner than her. I would say she's around 160 or 150, if she's like my height.
Ok, The Boy is coming downstairs! Post and... close...!
Later, at his place, we had some beers. I'd had a vicodin on the train and a percocet while we were in town, so the beers were hitting me a little harder than usual. I still ended up having four. They're Session lagers (they're soooo cute and they have little rock-paper-scissors in the caps!) and they're 130 cals each. I had 4, which is 520 calories, erkkk...
Still, at least we did a little bit of walking; even better to have been carrying stuff. He's scrawny so I always end up with the heavy bags... Only because I insist though; it's not really fair that he's already skinny and yet he carries the heavier things. Very sweet.
Butttttt the thing that sucks is that a combination of my naturally loose lips, not taking my meds for a couple days, and being on some goofy stuff, led to my talking about having an ed! I actually said, "I have an eating disorder... and it's getting worse faster than I think I can handle..." and I almost cried! Oh no!
But it's kind of like, I need more than just livejournal. I need someone in real life. I don't have a lot of friends; in fact, I pretty much just have The Boy. I have my parents, but... my dad wouldn't understand, and my mom, ehh, I don't know, would probably understand too well and sort of brush it off because then she won't have to deal with her own disordered eating.
Anyway, The Boy takes things as well as can be expected. He's not going to be all assy about eating, but he doesn't want me not to eat. He said that if I just stay the weight I am now that's perfectly fine.
What a lovely boy! He still likes me at 185... and it's not that he's into fat chicks, because when I was at 170 and we first got together I was talking about stuff and asked if he would find me unattractive if I lost a lot of weight and he said no, as long as I wasn't like 90 lbs, and that a little lighter might be good actually, and when I was at 160 he thought I was doing really well. So... yeah...
The good thing about last night's blabbing is that... oh shit, haha, I just forgot what I was going to write. I'll remember, though. Well, something else that doesn't suck (kind of) is that it's encouraging in a way. Because I don't want to feel like I'm using an ed as an excuse to binge around him. So while I don't want to draw attention by just not eating at all, you know... it's better than eating like a fuck.
Alright, hopefully I'll remember what it was I was going to say, because I think it was fairly significant.
OH!! And it turns out this super-pretty girl is going to the cabin thing, too, someone he knows from school. I hate her! She's chubby but she's so lovely and she has prettier eyes than me. I can deal with just about anything except not having the prettiest eyes. Actually she's really funny and cool and nice, but... that just makes me hate her more! Well... maybe we'll get to be friends, who knows! All I know is that she motivates me a lot because I feel like the only way to compete with her prettiness is to be thinner than her. I would say she's around 160 or 150, if she's like my height.
Ok, The Boy is coming downstairs! Post and... close...!