(no subject)
Preparing to purge. My "last time" for a little while.
And funny, I honestly believe it though at heart, I know it is not the case. I feel and think both at the same time. Shouldn't this be impossible? To feel such a conflict of thoughts at once?
I want this job in Chicago so much. I imagine myself getting it, doing well, and living happily in a home with kittens that sleep on my stomach at night.
The position is over my head. I know this. Yet, the dreamer inside of me thinks there is a possibility, ignoring the past experiences of clamping up, sweaty palms, self-criticism at the interviews, arriving at interview sites 2 hours early and sitting in the parking lot so I won't be late because of a random circumstance that "might happen" that will make me late. And spontaneous "I can't do this, I'm backing out" the day before because the anxiety is too much. I have GOT to get my anxiety under control.
And funny, I honestly believe it though at heart, I know it is not the case. I feel and think both at the same time. Shouldn't this be impossible? To feel such a conflict of thoughts at once?
I want this job in Chicago so much. I imagine myself getting it, doing well, and living happily in a home with kittens that sleep on my stomach at night.
The position is over my head. I know this. Yet, the dreamer inside of me thinks there is a possibility, ignoring the past experiences of clamping up, sweaty palms, self-criticism at the interviews, arriving at interview sites 2 hours early and sitting in the parking lot so I won't be late because of a random circumstance that "might happen" that will make me late. And spontaneous "I can't do this, I'm backing out" the day before because the anxiety is too much. I have GOT to get my anxiety under control.