like thunder we were born to tremble

[glass_memories]

Last night there was a message on my answering machine, asking for leslie to call back. they werent sure if they had the right number, but it was the cardiologist from hackensack.. the town where i was born, and the town next to where both my nana and grandma live. they left a number, so when my dad got home i told him about it. he wasnt worried by it, he thought maybe my grandma went in for a checkup or something. he tried calling back, but the automated answering machine said that the office was closed and to try back later. around 5 o clock today my dad came home, and called the number again. finally.. someone picked up. they said that yesterday around 1 in the afternoon my grandma was driving to see my grandpa in the nursing home. hes been there since i was little... he has advanced alzheimers. she drove there almost everyday to see him.. its part of her daily routine.. the kind of routine we have. get up, brush our teeth, shower. hers was permanent, a sign of the way things have been for her since she could remember. she was on her way to see him when she was beginning to have a heartattack. ironically, she fainted, and as she did this she swerved into the next lane and ran into an ambulance. they rushed her to the ER. she was suffering a now massive heartattack, and needed a quadrupil bypass surgery. 90% of her arteries were clogged. im sitting here wondering how this could be... my grandma isnt like others. she was always the kind of grandma that was very concious about her looks, she always had to be perfect all the time. shed been draped in gucci and gold since i was a baby. shes flawless. and now shes sitting in the ICU attatched to an iv and whatever else she needs. its hard to imagine. i feel like ive wasted time. i never really met my grandpa, well. i met him, but he wouldnt remember me. my grandma and i dont really talk like normal family members do. its hard to explain. in reality, shes not directly my grandmother. she adopted my dad when he was just a minute old, and raised him. she has a degree for teaching, even though everyone knows she would never have the patience for it. my grandpa never wanted her to have to lift a finger her whole life. and now shes sitting, in a fucking hospital not knowing where she is, or why shes there, where her beautiful car is, where her purse is. she doesnt even know what her phone number is. but she gave them my phone number. my number. for some reason in her heart or in her head she remembered my number. the one she muttered when she was in the ambulence before she fainted a second time.

god please, im begging you. youve taken two other people away from me my whole life.
you owe me something, you owe me for taking away my best friend.
please dont take away my grandma too.
i know that i dont appreciate the things i have in my life.
but now.. now i know that what ive been given ive been given for a reason.
and right here i can start bitching about how you took dana away.
but i wont. because shes looking over me now.
please, if your listening. please look over my grandma.

everyone.. if i ever asked you for anything
please keep my grandma in your prayers.
thanks.