musing at work.....instead of working...
i'm pretty sure this happens every year and i never remember it...but lately, i've had this wierd pattern of intense ups and downs...i have every reason to be happy...i have some things in motion that i'm psyched for and happy about...i have great friends and i've gotten back in touch with a lot of old friends from the past...
but once again..my brain will suddenly betray me at the most random times and wander to random thoughts and musings...some are just day dreams...some are happy...and some...well, some are depressing....
i find myself thinking more and more about "what could have been"....i'm not sure what triggered it...but i guess the previously mentioned getting back in touch with some choice individuals may be playing a small role in that...i'm certainly not unhappy that i have gotten back in touch with these people...but it's always bittersweet to dig through your past...i'm pretty sure all these mixed emotions are relatively normal...also -- and i've mentioned this before a few times -- not being in school still sits oddly with me...
another odd thing i've noticed happenin is i've been having a lot of vivd dreams lately..very vivid....and i like dreaming..i actually look forward to falling asleep and seeing what kind of dream i have...but these particular dreams are an unusual breed......for me at least...
outlandish things used to happen..dream-like things used to run rampant in my dreams...they are, after all just that; dreams...more often than not, i'm usually battling through impossible odds, against innumerable enemies, or enjoying a beautiful landscape inside my dreamland...
lately, however....it's quite different...i've never had a true "reoccuring" dream before...and i wouldn't call this a reoccuring dream per se...but i'm seeing reoccuring elements in them...
i keep seeing tami...and there are tons of symbolic references in my dreams surrounding her...i can't remember all of my latest one...but i do know that she was in it...i had one a few nights ago where we were talking, relatively friendly-like, and she was holding two or three gerbils/hamsters in her arms that kept trying to get outside....we decided to go outside and leave the hamsters inside where they would be safe..and when i shut the door behind us...i saw them give me "puppy dog" eyes and i got intensely sad...and started feeling an overwhelming urge to cry...i truned around to look at tami and continue talking and she just said, "i don't have time for that shit" and walked away...when i turned around and peered into the house again...the hamsters were gone...along with everything else in the house...it became desolate...right before i woke up, i turned back around and thought to myself, "finally, i am alone," but my demeanor wasn't sad or downtrodden...it was actually quite nonchalant....and i woke up to the sound of my alarm...
now, i don't belive EVERYTHING in a dream or EVERY dream is a symbol...but i try to pay attention to what my mind may be trying to tell me..that being said...WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT DREAM MEAN? lol
either way, the biggest reason i'm thinking about this is because i haven't though about tami very much these days..i've moved on quite far and done my own thing....and she's been doing her own thing. so wehy now? why all of a sudden the burst of thought patterns and subconscious lambastings of her image?...
and no, i don't belive it to be the fact that valentine's day just passed...this has been occuring for a while now..so i don't think it's that...
the only thing i can blame it on thus far is just time of year....the months of january through april have always been difficuly for me and my mood...for many many reasons i guess...
other than all this written in my journal here..i've been quite well adjusted lately...my disposition continues to be cheerful overall...and on a different note...i don't know if you already know about them or would like them...but look up the band "Circa Survive" and get the album "On Letting Go"......wonderful and amazing..and i have kyle to thank for the gracefull introduction to that band....and if you also don't already know about Minus the Bear, get to know them...you will not be disappointed...
ok, back to work..and blissful productivity!
but once again..my brain will suddenly betray me at the most random times and wander to random thoughts and musings...some are just day dreams...some are happy...and some...well, some are depressing....
i find myself thinking more and more about "what could have been"....i'm not sure what triggered it...but i guess the previously mentioned getting back in touch with some choice individuals may be playing a small role in that...i'm certainly not unhappy that i have gotten back in touch with these people...but it's always bittersweet to dig through your past...i'm pretty sure all these mixed emotions are relatively normal...also -- and i've mentioned this before a few times -- not being in school still sits oddly with me...
another odd thing i've noticed happenin is i've been having a lot of vivd dreams lately..very vivid....and i like dreaming..i actually look forward to falling asleep and seeing what kind of dream i have...but these particular dreams are an unusual breed......for me at least...
outlandish things used to happen..dream-like things used to run rampant in my dreams...they are, after all just that; dreams...more often than not, i'm usually battling through impossible odds, against innumerable enemies, or enjoying a beautiful landscape inside my dreamland...
lately, however....it's quite different...i've never had a true "reoccuring" dream before...and i wouldn't call this a reoccuring dream per se...but i'm seeing reoccuring elements in them...
i keep seeing tami...and there are tons of symbolic references in my dreams surrounding her...i can't remember all of my latest one...but i do know that she was in it...i had one a few nights ago where we were talking, relatively friendly-like, and she was holding two or three gerbils/hamsters in her arms that kept trying to get outside....we decided to go outside and leave the hamsters inside where they would be safe..and when i shut the door behind us...i saw them give me "puppy dog" eyes and i got intensely sad...and started feeling an overwhelming urge to cry...i truned around to look at tami and continue talking and she just said, "i don't have time for that shit" and walked away...when i turned around and peered into the house again...the hamsters were gone...along with everything else in the house...it became desolate...right before i woke up, i turned back around and thought to myself, "finally, i am alone," but my demeanor wasn't sad or downtrodden...it was actually quite nonchalant....and i woke up to the sound of my alarm...
now, i don't belive EVERYTHING in a dream or EVERY dream is a symbol...but i try to pay attention to what my mind may be trying to tell me..that being said...WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT DREAM MEAN? lol
either way, the biggest reason i'm thinking about this is because i haven't though about tami very much these days..i've moved on quite far and done my own thing....and she's been doing her own thing. so wehy now? why all of a sudden the burst of thought patterns and subconscious lambastings of her image?...
and no, i don't belive it to be the fact that valentine's day just passed...this has been occuring for a while now..so i don't think it's that...
the only thing i can blame it on thus far is just time of year....the months of january through april have always been difficuly for me and my mood...for many many reasons i guess...
other than all this written in my journal here..i've been quite well adjusted lately...my disposition continues to be cheerful overall...and on a different note...i don't know if you already know about them or would like them...but look up the band "Circa Survive" and get the album "On Letting Go"......wonderful and amazing..and i have kyle to thank for the gracefull introduction to that band....and if you also don't already know about Minus the Bear, get to know them...you will not be disappointed...
ok, back to work..and blissful productivity!