(no subject)
Interesting, I had completely forgotten that I had started writing again since moving to Boston. So here we are again. The Jay thing stuck, go me. Not true of everything else though. This past few months has been a little bit of a shit show. I seem to be sliding back in to my old ways. I have been getting wasted and hooking up with random people that I would otherwise have no interest in. Let's face it...I'm bored. I was so interested in getting healthy feeling whole and more connected to myself and my life. Now that's old news. I'm bored of it and am now reverting back to things that are easy distractions requiring little effort on my end.I can't say that I'm as bad as I used to be, but certainly not where I was last summer. This entry has been prompted by two things. 1. I started smoking again, casually, but smoking nonetheless. 2. I was looking at old pictures on my computer today and came across a few from the not so healthy and way too skinny Holly days. There's a set of probably 5 pictures that Christine took before I was emaciated but when I was clearly on my way there and I actually find the way I look to be acceptable. This is not true of any other picture that has ever surfaced of me. I remember looking at them at the time and judging myself a fatass, but that's really beside the point now. Tonight I feel like I could easily go back in to living life the way that I was. I am awesome at serving coffee and being a biology student while starving myself and competing a horse every weekend. I am not so awesome at eating healthfully, being engaged in an acupuncture program while running and working towards a triathlon and scuba diving and experiencing deep connections with fabulous people. Living life this way is so much more fulfilling, yet so much more challenging. There are so many days that I feel fat, disgusting and stupid. During the anorexic times, I didn't feel any of these things...I didn't feel anything at all. I don't view guys in the same way that I used to. I sort of used to hook up with them, pat myself on the back for being attractive enough to get some one to actually hook up with me and move on. Now, I wake up in the morning stare at myself in the mirror and say, "Who the fuck are you?" I hate that I'm back here. I am disappointed in myself, but frustrated with the world for not giving me what I need to stay strong. I spent an entire year working on myself and distancing myself from the bar scene. What happened? I got really fucking lonely and bored. I was hoping to meet more people like me. People that want to talk about life and emotions and why things happen the way they do. I found Dan. He was awesome to have these types of conversations with, but he is so unbelievably cocky and condescending that I just couldn't take it anymore. Are all awesome people so very aware of their awesomeness that they are conceded about it, which makes them suck even more than these disconnected bar types? I certainly hope not. I have also noticed that as I try to be more open to people, most people are in the place where I once was. They don't want to connect. Everyone is happy in their protected nook and they won't let me in. Harv is probably my best friend but there are times when I know he isn't sharing the whole truth with me. And why? I feel like I could tell him anything about myself now and what is it about me that people feel like they can't trust their deepest darkest secrets with me? I am judgmental, this is a fact. It is something I am working on and want desperately to change. I wonder if I come across as callous to people and they feel that attempting to connect with me is much like connecting with a rose bushes thorns. Maybe there is still something about me that screams...don't get too close or I'll flip the fuck out. I don't know.