Getting stuff off of my chest.
Time has passed and the wounds I have been given are starting to scab with the occassional bleeding.
My happiness seems to be steady and more abundant these days but I must say something is bothering me.
David.
I saw David this weekend to get my tax check. Everytime I see him it takes a few days to shake him off. I'm happy, but when I think about him I get mad and sad. I don't fucking get it. One minute I'm fine and the next I'm ready to hunt down someone and take them out with a butcher knife. I guess one thing will always be sure...it will always be a sensitive topic for me. What bothers me the most is that he "APPEARS" to be much softer and regretful. Yet he has NEVER truely apologized for what he did to me. I know that I will never be able to forget my pain, but perhaps enough time has passed where I can forgive. He never said he wanted me back, he never told me how much he "loved" me, he never, he never......blah blah. I often wonder if I have not ended up in the place that I am now, where would I be? Would I be still married? Would we be expecting a baby? Would I be happy? Would he be happy? Better yet, is he happy without me? I catch myself daydreaming or sometimes day-maring about the coulda, woulda and shouldas. I don't want to anymore, I want to get back to where I was when I was focused and continue on my narrow path to fulfillment. I saw on his myspace profile today that he had a girl on there from Clarksville. Something in me wants to track her down and slit her throat but I can't. I couldn't keep him to me when I was married, and I can't keep him to me divorced. I can't help this anger, hate, love and sadness that overwhelms everytime I hear his voice or see his face. I just can't.
So in a nutshell he still has me all twisted up inside still. I hate it when he is nice to me. It makes it so much easier to hate him when he is being mean.
Everytime I post something on here I wonder if he reads this or not, I don't know if he does but David if you can read this....You suck Turdzilla.
My happiness seems to be steady and more abundant these days but I must say something is bothering me.
David.
I saw David this weekend to get my tax check. Everytime I see him it takes a few days to shake him off. I'm happy, but when I think about him I get mad and sad. I don't fucking get it. One minute I'm fine and the next I'm ready to hunt down someone and take them out with a butcher knife. I guess one thing will always be sure...it will always be a sensitive topic for me. What bothers me the most is that he "APPEARS" to be much softer and regretful. Yet he has NEVER truely apologized for what he did to me. I know that I will never be able to forget my pain, but perhaps enough time has passed where I can forgive. He never said he wanted me back, he never told me how much he "loved" me, he never, he never......blah blah. I often wonder if I have not ended up in the place that I am now, where would I be? Would I be still married? Would we be expecting a baby? Would I be happy? Would he be happy? Better yet, is he happy without me? I catch myself daydreaming or sometimes day-maring about the coulda, woulda and shouldas. I don't want to anymore, I want to get back to where I was when I was focused and continue on my narrow path to fulfillment. I saw on his myspace profile today that he had a girl on there from Clarksville. Something in me wants to track her down and slit her throat but I can't. I couldn't keep him to me when I was married, and I can't keep him to me divorced. I can't help this anger, hate, love and sadness that overwhelms everytime I hear his voice or see his face. I just can't.
So in a nutshell he still has me all twisted up inside still. I hate it when he is nice to me. It makes it so much easier to hate him when he is being mean.
Everytime I post something on here I wonder if he reads this or not, I don't know if he does but David if you can read this....You suck Turdzilla.