(no subject)
ive been in wales since thursday because my grandad died. today was the funeral, and i had to be a coffin-carrier. is it called a pallbearer? i never know. it was me and my brother and my 4 boy cousins. they thought it would be nice if the grandsons did it. i had a panic attack at the wake at my gran's house. i kept it in luckily till i managed to escape to a bathroom for a few minutes. it felts scary. then i had to detach myself at the actual service at the crematorium, because i didn't want to be the loonytoon in front of family that know me from when i was tiny, that i don't remember.
i was fine for the most part, until my cousin asked us if we wanted to visit my mom's memorial rosebush afterwards.
i almost didn't go. i haven't been to her memorial ever, and she died 2 years ago. i did go and see it, and it was too much of the emotions for me to stomach, so i went and waited for everyone else to get in the car and go to the thing after. what is it after a funeral that everyone goes to for fingerfoods and drink drinks? is it a party?
i found codeine tablets and had 14 of them so far, with some beers and some vodka and some brandy. self-medicating and all that. and now i feel worlds better than earlier.
luckily, i go back to london tomorrow. i'm going to pick iona up from uni, then meet dean at borders and the three of us are going to have some new books for our new book club we started last night!
i'm ok though. just wanted to tell about my day which was a bit hellish, but ok, and i do manage to handle this sort of thing for the most part, even if it means repressing memories and suppressing emotions. it's fine :)
the good news is it's november and i've got lots to keep me occupied at the moment.
i was fine for the most part, until my cousin asked us if we wanted to visit my mom's memorial rosebush afterwards.
i almost didn't go. i haven't been to her memorial ever, and she died 2 years ago. i did go and see it, and it was too much of the emotions for me to stomach, so i went and waited for everyone else to get in the car and go to the thing after. what is it after a funeral that everyone goes to for fingerfoods and drink drinks? is it a party?
i found codeine tablets and had 14 of them so far, with some beers and some vodka and some brandy. self-medicating and all that. and now i feel worlds better than earlier.
luckily, i go back to london tomorrow. i'm going to pick iona up from uni, then meet dean at borders and the three of us are going to have some new books for our new book club we started last night!
i'm ok though. just wanted to tell about my day which was a bit hellish, but ok, and i do manage to handle this sort of thing for the most part, even if it means repressing memories and suppressing emotions. it's fine :)
the good news is it's november and i've got lots to keep me occupied at the moment.