ok then let's be human beings...
oh, i am having such a week. i haven't felt like this since just before i left nashville and felt constantly on edge, wanting to climb the walls or out of my own skin. it's a bit scary. i had a minor episode at work this afternoon, and i'm still not entirely sure what about. just stress, and the fact that i can't communicate very well with the people that come into my work because they are all spanish and i am not. which i know, yes, that i'm in spain, and maybe i should speak better spanish, but try as i might, i can only speak a certain amount of spanish and that's it. so if my conversations with them get even slightly about basic, i start to panic and get really flustered. this has been happening all day. and plus all i get to do is listen to their gobbledy gook as they blabber on msn messenger webcams talking to their bikini clad girlfriends. and screaming kids. actually, it's no wonder i had a minor episode at work this afternoon.
there's also the fact, that my heart just hurts at having transplanted myself into this other life that doesn't seem like it should belong to me. that's twice now i've done it.
i left nashville to find myself, and did, i guess. i have grown up alot, though it doesn't always seem like it from these journal entries that i write from time to time. i think i just have to be in a certain mood to update on here, and that certain mood is the kind that makes me feel like it's 2003.
i completely hate the house that i live in. i like the house, but it's got so many people in it, and i can't bear another moment. i guess the thing is that they all drink, almost constantly, and i don't. and i hate when people are drunk when i'm not. it's hideous. it's so strange though, because everyone is younger than me almost. and it's like living in a dorm or something. except that's not true because both of the johns are older than me. one is like a few months older, and the other is in his 40s! but he's the biggest culprit! and he has a dog that he is never home to take for walks. it shat all over the floor the other night, and i left a note in the door warning whoever came home not to step in the dog shit until john comes home to clean it up because it's not my dog and i draw the line at dog shit. not just dog shit, but really runny dog shit that looked like really wet sand. that's not for me.
i don't even know the point of these half finished stories, i just needed a rant, and i can't really rant things like this to people that i actually see every day because i don't want them to know that i think any of this. which i suppose is very unhealthy, but it doesn't really matter because i won't be seeing them after 4 weeks, because i will at last be transplanting myself to yet another life, in berlin. hopefully it goes much better this time. i feel slightly better because i've just gotten a message from that boy that i like, who i hadn't heard from for a couple of days so of course i assume the worst and make up scenarios in my deranged mind. but it's all fine anyway.
patterns and patterns. they always repeat themselves don't they?
this will be the end for now, i need a cigarette!!
there's also the fact, that my heart just hurts at having transplanted myself into this other life that doesn't seem like it should belong to me. that's twice now i've done it.
i left nashville to find myself, and did, i guess. i have grown up alot, though it doesn't always seem like it from these journal entries that i write from time to time. i think i just have to be in a certain mood to update on here, and that certain mood is the kind that makes me feel like it's 2003.
i completely hate the house that i live in. i like the house, but it's got so many people in it, and i can't bear another moment. i guess the thing is that they all drink, almost constantly, and i don't. and i hate when people are drunk when i'm not. it's hideous. it's so strange though, because everyone is younger than me almost. and it's like living in a dorm or something. except that's not true because both of the johns are older than me. one is like a few months older, and the other is in his 40s! but he's the biggest culprit! and he has a dog that he is never home to take for walks. it shat all over the floor the other night, and i left a note in the door warning whoever came home not to step in the dog shit until john comes home to clean it up because it's not my dog and i draw the line at dog shit. not just dog shit, but really runny dog shit that looked like really wet sand. that's not for me.
i don't even know the point of these half finished stories, i just needed a rant, and i can't really rant things like this to people that i actually see every day because i don't want them to know that i think any of this. which i suppose is very unhealthy, but it doesn't really matter because i won't be seeing them after 4 weeks, because i will at last be transplanting myself to yet another life, in berlin. hopefully it goes much better this time. i feel slightly better because i've just gotten a message from that boy that i like, who i hadn't heard from for a couple of days so of course i assume the worst and make up scenarios in my deranged mind. but it's all fine anyway.
patterns and patterns. they always repeat themselves don't they?
this will be the end for now, i need a cigarette!!