What not to wear
I have been thinking a lot lately about who I am, and what I really want to be vs. who I think I should be. It's kind of heavy stuff, and it's made me think a lot about a lot of things, like class divisions, consumerism, sexism, the myth of "having it all," ambition, and leaving a legacy.
Essentially, I'm trying to answer the eternal question posed in Conan the Barbarian: what is best in life? (While I admit to having some desire to see enemies driven before me, I have no desire to hear the lamentations of any women. And I lack any real "enemies," because I am not a pulp novel character.)
I still don't know that I have the answer to any of those questions, but I do know that I'm feeling weirdly rebellious. As B can attest, I didn't rebel in high school. I was always the rule-follower.
But now, suddenly, I feel like I'm challenging all the "rules" that society has given me. Shaving my legs and armpits? Lame, and I don't want to do it. But I will, if I'm going to wear a sleeveless shirt or shorts or a skirt, because I don't have that kind of confidence yet.
I want to dye my hair Jem & the Holograms pink. I want to start dressing more... cool-kid? Or perhaps... more like a rebellious non-conformist.
I worry that this change will make me look bizarre or trashy. Or that I'm too old for this kind of a change, or that I'll look like I'm trying too hard.
There is also the concern that cute t-shirts and fun hair only "work" on the young or the thin. I'm not really either of those. And I'm not so rebellious that I have a full sleeve of tattoos...or any tattoos. Nothing about me says, "this is a girl who gives no fucks." But I would like to. I would very much like to stop giving so many fucks. Keeping up the field upon which I grow them is quite exhausting.
All of which brings me to What Not To Wear. I'd like to find an episode where they took a heavily tattooed cool girl and made her over. And let her stay cool. I don't know why I can't still wear fun shirts some of the time. I wouldn't wear them to a big business meeting, but I work in a creative office!
I guess what I want is for what I wear and how I present myself to match how I see myself. And that has changed. I'm not sure what it's changed to, but I don't see myself or my future the way I saw it when I worked a corporate job.
I am officially not going to any trade shows until end of September/beginning of October. And we probably won't have any customers in to visit for another few months.
So... I have no reason to look all corporate. I've dressed pretty conservatively at work since I started working and now I don't want to anymore. I want to wear nerdy t-shirts with my jeans. I totally could, since a bunch of other people here do. There are several guys in my office that we suspect may not own real, full-length pants, only shorts.
But I can't seem to let myself do it. Maybe it's because I feel like I'm not thin enough to be quirky. One of my primary motivators for loosing weight is so that I can feel more comfortable wearing some of the nerd shirts I semi-retired when I put weight back on.
If I use that as motivation-- if I tell myself that I can't wear the fun nerdy clothes to work until I loose weight, is that positive motivation, or is that negative? I feel like I don't even know.
Essentially, I'm trying to answer the eternal question posed in Conan the Barbarian: what is best in life? (While I admit to having some desire to see enemies driven before me, I have no desire to hear the lamentations of any women. And I lack any real "enemies," because I am not a pulp novel character.)
I still don't know that I have the answer to any of those questions, but I do know that I'm feeling weirdly rebellious. As B can attest, I didn't rebel in high school. I was always the rule-follower.
But now, suddenly, I feel like I'm challenging all the "rules" that society has given me. Shaving my legs and armpits? Lame, and I don't want to do it. But I will, if I'm going to wear a sleeveless shirt or shorts or a skirt, because I don't have that kind of confidence yet.
I want to dye my hair Jem & the Holograms pink. I want to start dressing more... cool-kid? Or perhaps... more like a rebellious non-conformist.
I worry that this change will make me look bizarre or trashy. Or that I'm too old for this kind of a change, or that I'll look like I'm trying too hard.
There is also the concern that cute t-shirts and fun hair only "work" on the young or the thin. I'm not really either of those. And I'm not so rebellious that I have a full sleeve of tattoos...or any tattoos. Nothing about me says, "this is a girl who gives no fucks." But I would like to. I would very much like to stop giving so many fucks. Keeping up the field upon which I grow them is quite exhausting.
All of which brings me to What Not To Wear. I'd like to find an episode where they took a heavily tattooed cool girl and made her over. And let her stay cool. I don't know why I can't still wear fun shirts some of the time. I wouldn't wear them to a big business meeting, but I work in a creative office!
I guess what I want is for what I wear and how I present myself to match how I see myself. And that has changed. I'm not sure what it's changed to, but I don't see myself or my future the way I saw it when I worked a corporate job.
I am officially not going to any trade shows until end of September/beginning of October. And we probably won't have any customers in to visit for another few months.
So... I have no reason to look all corporate. I've dressed pretty conservatively at work since I started working and now I don't want to anymore. I want to wear nerdy t-shirts with my jeans. I totally could, since a bunch of other people here do. There are several guys in my office that we suspect may not own real, full-length pants, only shorts.
But I can't seem to let myself do it. Maybe it's because I feel like I'm not thin enough to be quirky. One of my primary motivators for loosing weight is so that I can feel more comfortable wearing some of the nerd shirts I semi-retired when I put weight back on.
If I use that as motivation-- if I tell myself that I can't wear the fun nerdy clothes to work until I loose weight, is that positive motivation, or is that negative? I feel like I don't even know.