What Now? - a Cockbert Bigbang fic by Glambini

[glambini]

Title: What now?
Author: glambini 
Artist: yukisherry 
Type: Romance
Word Count: 7K +
Rating: Barely NC17
Characters/Pairings: Adam/Terrance
Warnings: Fluff and schmoop alert
Notes: Many thanks to my beta readers: mtnwomanbc, and mtnwomanbc who was with me through the final hours of getting this post ready. 
Summary: One version of the Adam/Terrance story...

Link to Art: A lovely drawing by yukisherry







“So, you coming or what?” Terrance asked, and bumped his shoulder against Adam’s larger frame.

“I don’t know, it’s not really my scene,” Adam replied, while his left foot tried to burrow into the tile beneath it. The invitation was unexpected. He wanted to accept it, but he was not looking forward to schmoozing with any of the others who would be there.

“What do you mean ‘not your scene’?” Terrance prodded, arms crossed.

“I don’t think your friends like me much,” Adam replied.

“It only matters that I want you there,” Terrance said. “Or, do I not matter?” He asked, his lips curling into a bright smile that lit up his face like a full moon in the night sky.

“Of course you do,” Adam protested, a blush creeping up his cheeks. One smile from Terrance and his heart got started training for the hundred meter dash at the Olympics.

“Well, it’s my birthday and I want you there,” Terrance announced.

“Why are you being so nice to me?” Adam asked. He was aware the troupe did not really appreciate his waltz onto the scene. The rest of the cast were like a family of sorts and he’d not yet earned his stripes. No doubt they also feared his impressive falsetto would propel him up the ranks prematurely. Which in the theater world meant the inevitable flop, that followed a meteoric rise to fame, would taint the entire company. Adam was stuck in the lonely limbo between stardom and mediocrity: not yet a star, but too talented for obscurity.

“You’re good people, Adam,” Terrance smiled. “Besides, I can’t go all out---candles and a cake---and not have a good sing along. I hear you can bring it when it’s time to hit ‘em high notes.”

Adam laughed at that, “You never fail to crack me up.”

“So, you coming?” Terrance asked again, brow arched in a dare.

Adam nodded. “I’ll be there.”




“Tell me you are not going to be wearing this again!” Danielle held up the vest Adam had set out on the bed.

“Wearing what?” Adam asked, popping his head out from behind the halfway ajar bathroom door to see what Danielle was referring to. ”I am. Why?” He asked with a chuckle.

“I think it’s cute that you adore this outfit, but Terrance is going to think you don’t own anything else,” Danielle said.

“The last time I wore that...” Adam’s voice trailed off.

“...was the first time you went out with your theatre group,” Danielle finished for him.

“...the first and only time,” Adam added with a smirk.

“Exactly.”

Adam sighed. “Maybe you are right, I think I have another vest somewhere in my closet.”

“What would you do without me? Get dressed and let’s get started on writing birthday wishes,” Danielle laughed and Adam just rolled his eyes at her.

Refusing the invitation had not been an option, but now Adam was filled with dread. Terrance would have to play host and Adam would barely be able to snag more than a few minutes face-time. Everyone else would be in ignore-Adam mode. Even picking out an outfit proved to be more than he could handle on his own---how was he expected to make it through the night?



The party was held in a nice garden, a little patch of land tucked between four bungalows in Silverlake. There was just enough green to mask the surrounding concrete buildings and to strip the air of its big city smog. Music floated out to the garden from large speakers by the glass sliding doors of the bungalow Terrance and three of his friends rented together.

“Hey, you made it!” Terrance pulled him into a tight embrace, crushing the shiny paper bag that held a bottle of wine between them.

“I promised I would,” Adam said, suddenly shy about the attention Terrance’s loud hello was attracting. “This is for you. Happy Birthday.” Adam thrust the packaged bottle of wine into Terrance’s hand, and held out an envelope in his other hand.

Terrance grabbed the gifts, a large smile lighting up his face. “Awww, out of your very first paycheck,” he commented.

Adam fidgeted with his now unencumbered hands. “Yeah, well, you are worth every penny.” Oh my fucking god, could I sound anymore corny and pitiful? Adam thought to himself, already regretting his words. But then, Terrance smiled at him again and there was something about this smile that was different. It was flirty and coy. It put the light into the 'light up his face' cliché. And just like that, corny or not, his words found redemption.

“Glad you could make it man, let me show you around.” Terrance bumped their shoulders together in that causal and friendly way that might have meant a simple thank you save for that knowing and sexy smile. All Adam felt was heat from the sparks that burned through the thin layers of clothing separating them.

Adam walked a few steps behind as Terrance led the way into the kitchen. If he kept his eyes on the way the blue jeans molded to the round curves of Terrance’s behind, it was just his way of blocking out and ignoring the hushed whispers around them--or so he told himself.

Terrance unpacked the bottle of wine. “Port, Niiiice.”

“It was either that, or some really crappy Sonoma Valley table wine.”

“Dude, where’s your Cali pride? That’s blasphemy, SV wine is the very best.”

“Not the ones within my price range,” Adam laughed.

“There’s that.” Terrance smiled and set the bottle next to a row of other gifts.

Adam chewed on his lip. His eyes bore into the white envelope Terrance was holding until the man placed it atop the pile of unopened birthday cards, which was just as well because he’d let Danielle talk him into the most blush-inducing birthday note.

“Let’s get you a drink and into party mood.” Terrance winked at him.

Adam smiled. He liked how Terrance could put him at ease with a few words, a smile and a conspiratorial wink. The man made it all seem so easy, making him feel like he belonged, like he could be a part of this crowd one day--eventually.



The hours crawled by slowly through the night, but Adam, perched on the high stool at the far corner of the corner bar with it’s unobstructed view of the party, was not complaining. He nursed a dirty martini while his eyes drank their fill of Terrance making small talk with some guest or the other.

“So you and Terrance, hun?”

Adam turned around to find one of the dancers, Brooke, behind him. “What? No!” His reply was a blend of shock and panic.

“Come on! You are not going to be one of those boys who claim to be straight when they obviously are not, are you?” Brooke prodded.

Something about her smile and the naughty glint in her eye made Adam smile. “I’m not.” He managed to croak. Way to go! Sounding like an idiot, that’s how to make a friend. I’m not what? Straight? One of those boys? All of the above?

Brooke didn’t seem to need the clarification, she already had a follow up question. “So, what makes you different from the other gay boys angling for his attention?” she asked.

Adam had no reply for that. I’m not that brave. Besides, what would Mr. perfect body want with his flabby, freckled ass anyway?

“You should be out there making waves, instead of stuck to the bar like a lapsed alcoholic savoring the drink that ended the draught,” Brooke pointed to Adam’s martini.

“He’s...” Adam paused to measure his words. He’s out of my league...But, he couldn’t admit that out loud so he went for safer ground. “He’s not really my type.” It wasn’t a lie, not really, but it was untrue.

“And what is your type?” Brooke questioned teasingly.

“Younger boys that look like pretty androgynous elves?” Adam raised his brows and plastered a smirk on his face.

“We’ll see what we can do about finding you one of those.” Adam didn’t have to turn around to recognize Terrance’s voice. A large gulp of the martini in his hand did nothing for the knot tightening around his stomach. Damn it, Terrance was not supposed to hear that.

“Come outside,” Terrance tugged at Adam and Brooke, “time for cake and singing.”



The outside lights were off and the only lighting was from the candles on the cake. Everyone was gathering around and chattering away when Terrance turned to Adam and whispered, “so you gonna sing or what?”

Adam bit down on his lips, suddenly shy, but then Terrance was staring at him, eyes expectant and excited, and Adam could not refuse. He simply nodded.

“Guyz, guyz! Ma boi here is gonna belt out some of ‘em high notes he’s known for,” Terrance announced with a wink, his hand slapping away at Adam’s back.

Unusually nervous, Adam cleared his throat, smiled at Terrance and hit the first note. “Happy birthday to you---”

The hushed chatter quickly gave way to silence as his voice soared, and except for the odd “alleluia” some guy offered up, everyone remained muted for the rest of the song.

There was hollering and hooting when Adam was done singing, and Terrance said something about seeing him on Wicked. Adam wasn’t really paying attention; mostly because he was still floating on the high of his performance, but also because the next thing he knew, Terrance was pulling him into a hug. Adam felt his face flushed with heat at the contact and he was certain that even if they were under stage-lights, not tucked away in a dimly lit garden, his freckles would be completely masked by the deep red of his blush.

Terrance still had candles to blow out, and Adam felt he was in the way. “Happy Birthday,” Adam mumbled before making his exit.

Adam watched the rest of the proceedings from the porch. He was a safe distance from Terrance and his friends, but not so far that he couldn’t keep on eye on them. After a few minutes, he forced himself to tear his gaze away from the birthday boy. That was when he noticed Brooke’s attention focused on him. Her eyes mocked him; not your type, my ass.

It was the start of two friendships. In time, Adam realized he found both relationships equally uplifting. No-nonsense Brooke, who could see through him like she lived in his head, and Terrance, who pushed Adam to embrace his talent at every turn. One of those friendships would remain on the cusp of something more for far too long.

In music, in love, and even in friendship, Adam always contemplated the future with apprehension. This time was no exception. Did he really want this? When the initial struggle was over, what then?



“Can you believe it? I’m in the Top 13!” Adam squealed into the phone.

“Adam, how many times have I told you how incredibly talented you are? When will you start accepting that you deserve this?” Terrance asked, and not waiting for an answer continued, “you always deserved this, you know--even when the shit casting director stuck you in the chorus because he was afraid you’d upstage whoever was fucking him for the stage time.”

Adam smiled at that. Terrance always had the right words ready and knew how to make him feel like he belonged exactly where he was, no matter how out of place Adam felt. And Adam often felt out of place.

He felt out of place when he walked into the first audition, trying to tone it down because his background meant he was definitely not a shoo-in no matter his talent. He felt out of place when the roommate assignments paired him up with the self-described christian married man in the plaid shirt. He felt out of place when he walked into that huge mansion in Beverly Hills. Then there was Terrance, who was always on the other end of the phone with just the right words. And just like that, Adam realized that he did belong in the mega-mansion, in the room with the christian boy and in the top thirteen. In the end, he kept on belonging all the way to the final show.

Adam didn’t win, and that was a bummer, but then he hit the talk-show circuit and it made no difference. Next, he hit the road and went on tour, living like a rock-star (complete with groupies and everything). He kept on feeling out of place, and yet he still managed to make himself act like he belonged.

Through it all, there was always Terrance--with the right words at the right time.



“That’s a very pretty boy you kissed on national television,” Terrance teased as he walked into the hotel room where Adam was crashing until his new pad was all set.

Adam groaned and palmed his face in response. “I don’t think I’ll ever live that down.”

“Oh. I think you’ll live that down easier than if we were all talking about how your singing sucked,” Terrance laughed shutting the door behind himself.

“Or my fall,” Adam added and proceeded to fall on top the bed for effect, bouncing off the bed and sitting up almost immediately.

“There’s that,” Terrance agreed as he helped himself to a bottle of Corona from the pack he was carrying. “Want one?” He asked. When Adam nodded, he grabbed one more and set the rest down on the dresser.

“How the fuck did I become the gay cliché?” Adam wondered out loud while Terrance opened the bottles.

“Cliché? More like legend. That’s got to be the first gay-kiss on prime-time live TV,” Terrance chuckled and passed a Corona to Adam.

“Technically not prime-time,” Adam pointed out, reaching for the beer and holding it up to Terrance in salutation.

“Whateva! Semantics.” Terrance laughed some more as their bottles clinked in cheers.

“What was I thinking?” Adam banged his head against the palm of his other hand.

“Thankfully you didn’t get a knee to your groin from the straight boy,” Terrance consoled, taking a swig from his drink. “He is straight, right?” Terrance double checked. At this point, post-half-a-dozen-interviews, to Adam it felt like the umpteenth time someone was asking.

“He is!” Why did no one believe that? Adam wondered. “I did kinda figure he’d be okay going all Velvet Goldmine on stage,” he chuckled.

“Kinda figured he’d be okay...?” Terrance mocked. “Dude liked it!”

“What can I say? I’m irresistible now.” Adam gulped down more Corona than usual to make his point.

“Now. Then. Always irresistible,” Terrance winked.

Adam snickered nervously, wiped his sweaty hand on his jeans, and fidgeted with the bottle in his other hand. He always got like this in those rare moments when Terrance got flirty with him.

It wasn’t that Adam was not comfortable flirting, he was. Hell, he’d even flirted with the clean-cut all-American boy he’d roomed with on Idol just for the kicks (thankfully Kris had been a good sport about it, and seemed to enjoy the attention).

Adam wasn’t shy: not anymore.

It wasn’t always so. Adam was once rather shy. Truth be told, Terrance could be dubbed the orchestrator of Adam’s love life and it would not be inaccurate. It was Terrance who introduced the once shy Adam to the man that became the love of his life for a while: Brad. It was Terrance who helped him climb back on the horse that was romance after he was thrown off so violently that he was jittery and scared. It was Terrance who took him out for drinks when he and his last beau, Drake, spilt up a month ago. In fact, he had morphed into a big time flirt under Terrance’s guidance. Terrance was definitely a player, and he taught Adam the rules of the game: how to charm, how to disarm, how to seduce, how to possess.

Now a master of the game, Adam didn’t mind a little flirting. Unless it was Terrance. Mostly because Adam actually wanted to take this thing between them to the far side of the border between friendship and more, but was too risk averse to try. Terrance was his one-man no-flirt-zone. Yet, right now, Terrance was the one pushing that boundary with his huge eyes that screamed I want you to kiss me like that. And that--that unnerved Adam completely.

“What now?” Terrance asked in a raspy voice that had Adam wondering whether he was referring to them or to the bruhaha over the kiss. Adam went with the latter. “I don’t know. Hope the album still sells okay tomorrow?” he shrugged.

“You going to do the TV apology-tour?” Terrance asked and washed down his question with some beer.

“I’m not going to fucking apologize,” Adam replied. “For fuck’s sake it was just a kiss.”

“Just a kiss?” Terrance echoed, unconvinced.

“Just a kiss,” Adam repeated.

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you just kiss anyone quite like that,” Terrance pointed out.

“Maybe if I’d kissed Drake like that we’d still be together?” Adam asked, starring at the chipped corner of the marble table as if he could fix it with his gaze.

“There’s no fixing what wasn’t meant to be, Adam.” Terrance set down his bottle of Corona, sat down on the bed next to Adam and pulled him into a hug.



It was easier than Adam expected to trudge through the media interviews and to answer the same questions over and over, all while starring at pictures of his tongue shoved down Tommy’s throat.

“Doesn’t look like just a kiss, does it?” Brooke pointed out when they caught up for coffee at the cafe on Hollywood Blvd, and the TV screen cut to a picture of the kiss. “If that was Terrance doing the kissing, you’d be pissed.”

“It’s been Terrance doing the kissing most of the time I’ve known him and I’m done being pissed. We’ll never be anything but friends,” Adam reassured her.

Of course, Brooke being Brooke, she simply had that ‘we’ll see’ smirk on her face. That meant Adam should not have been surprised when she suggested Terrance for the dance crew. He saw through her match making efforts, but he couldn’t say no. He wanted his friends around him, and Terrance was one of his very best friends, even if Adam occasionally wanted him to be a whole lot more than that---even when occasionally was actually every time he jerked off.



Adam was very busy these days. Between call-in interviews to radio stations, industry parties, and meet-and-greets with fans, he was on a 24/7 rock-star duty-calls cycle. Besides that, he also had to plan and execute 45 and counting tour dates. Obviously he hired people to handle the actual logistics, but it still entailed more meetings and conference calls than he’d thought humanly possible to fit into his already packed schedule. Yet, when Lane sent him a reminder that dance rehearsals started in an hour at the dance studio in west Hollywood, he was more excited than he’d been in a while about ‘work’. Of course that had nothing to do with meeting up with Terrance again. Nothing at all.

“Long time no see,” Terrance pulled him into a hug the moment he stepped into the studio.

“I know man. It’s been craaaazy!” Adam tightened his arms around him.

“You are a rock-star now!” Terrance pulled away, giving Adam’s back the pat down. “How fun is that?”

“A lot less than you’d think.” Adam protested.

“Well, I think Rock-star mode becomes you. It’s like you were born to do it, you look so natural in-front of the cameras,” Terrance said.

“These days I have to be in Rock-star mode all the time,” Adam complained. “I don’t even have time to be just Adam anymore, you know?”

“Look at it this way, would you give up all the success and go back to being just Adam, singing in the chorus of a musical, never knowing if you’ll make it beyond the role of understudy?” Terrance asked.

“No!” Adam shook his head.

“Well then?” Terrance smiled like it was: point, match, set.

“You!” Adam shook his head. You always know just the right thing to say...but, Adam kept the thought to himself and instead gave his friend a light punch on the shoulder. Damn, his body is harder than I remembered. Don’t go there, Adam, he warned himself.

Adam turned to Terrance. “What now?”

“Now, my rock-star, we get to put together a killer dance routine for your show.” Terrance bobbed his head in the direction of the other dancers already setting up at the beams.



Brooke was outright evil, Adam figured. Why else would she have Terrance hovering with his hands over Adam in the dance; close enough to touch but not quite touching. It was driving him insane. It was a freaking distraction, that’s what it was. How was he supposed to focus on mastering the damned dance moves with Terrance doing that? So what if the other dances had similar moves. They were not Terrance. Adam’s heart did not do cartwheels when they hovered around him.

Adam let Brooke know in no uncertain terms just what he thought of her match making choreography scheme with a single pointed look. Adam cursed under his breath. The tingle where Terrance touched him seemed to mock his resolve to get over his crush. The intensity of his reaction hadn’t faded one bit with his new found celebrity either...Damn it, shoulda figured.

“What’s wrong, Adam?” Terrance asked when Adam tripped over his own feet and fumbled the dance sequence for the umpteenth time that afternoon.

“Please do tell, Adam,” Brooke dared, a naughty glint caught in her eyes.

Adam was fuming inside, but he tamed his response. He was an expert at keeping his mask up these days. Life in the limelight kept him under the heat of the spot lights and the flash of the cameras; it was an excellent teacher and he was a star pupil. The nonchalance in his voice did not betray the flux of emotion welling up within him. “It’s nothing. Just tired,” Adam replied.

He needed to have some choice words with Brooke later, but now was not the time. It was not likely there would ever be a right time. Her matchmaking was likely to get worse if Adam hinted at the truth about his feelings. Brooke’s antics were best ignored because nothing good could ever come from addressing them. Even if Terrance was into him---he wasn’t, Adam was sure of that---Terrance wasn’t into happy-ever-afters. It was best to ignore Brooke, ignore Terrance and just dance; if only he could get his fucking feet to move in step.

“Poor guy has been up since 4AM for the radio gig this morning and you want him to knock out moves like he’s a professional dancer. You got to ease up on him some,” Terrance chastised Brooke before he turned to Adam. “Go take a nap Adam. We’ll keep at it without you.”

“I don’t know, man.” Adam smiled. “Don’t want to be known as a slacker,” he teased.

Terrance laughed at that. He shook his head. “Na, we’ll just chuck it up to your being the star....and a diva,” Terrance joked.

“I’m NOT!” Adam replied, his faint chuckle undermining his indignant scowl. He was tired and he did need the rest, despite an inner drive that seemed to keep him running long after he’d run out of gas.

Brooke, much to everyone’s surprise, called it a day soon thereafter.

Terrance trailed Adam back to his mustang, “Figured we’ve not hung out in a bit so I’d chill a while at the new crib with you.”

Adam bit down the enthusiastic yes on his tongue. Terrance stood there, sweaty and much too close, and Adam knew he was at the end of his rope. He pictured Terrance in his bathroom cleaning up and knew what came next: a kiss, a tumble in the sack, and a friendship destroyed. Adam shooed him away instead. “I’ve got to get some shut eye. Rain check?”

“Sure,” Terrance replied with a smile that skirted his eyes.

There was nothing Adam could do but get into his car and drive away.



“I'm planning on taking that dream vacation we always talked about,” Adam said as he walked over to Terrance on day during rehearsal.

“Maybe you should ask Tommy. I’m sure he’d follow you anywhere, just like the cute little puppy he is,” Terrance replied.

“Jealous?” Adam teased.

“Hardly.” Terrance glared at him.

Adam stepped back to regard his friend for a moment. The silence between them louder than the angry words it masked.

“Have fun in Mexico, Adam,” Terrance finally said.

“How’d you know---?” Adam started to ask, halting mid-sentence. It was a stupid question.

“It was always supposed to be Baja,” Terrance said. The sadness in his voice was unlike anything Adam had ever heard from him.

“It was supposed to be both of us. Together.” Adam reminded him.

“Things change, Adam.”

“What now?”

“Who knows?”



“So, you with Tommy now?” Terrance asked. He looked like he wanted to punch himself for the forwardness as soon as he’d asked the question.

“Jealous?” Adam asked with a smirk, not about to let his friend off easily.

“Hardly,” Terrance replied, but the twitch in his face told Adam otherwise. Somehow, his reply also made Adam feel like they were stuck on repeat.

“There is absolutely nothing going on. He is as straight as they come. Come on, you know Tommy. He’s just fun like that, but he does not bat for our team.” Between the innuendos on fan sites and his @replies on twitter, Adam was exasperated at this point. If Terrance bought into it, that just reflected how difficult it was to kill the narrative. Terrance knew Tommy, and it took a few pictures for him to lead the charge on the third degree.

“At least you are not denying that he is your type,” Terrance pointed out.

“I...” Adam wasn’t really sure how to respond to that. He’d jokingly asked if Terrance was jealous. He couldn’t be, could he? Adam shoved that bit of wishful thinking to the side. “I don’t get involved with straight men, Terrance.”

“He is your type then...” Terrance said. It wasn’t a question, but it almost sounded like he wanted it to be. Like he wanted Adam to say it wasn’t so.

He’s not the one that I want and can’t have, Adam thought to himself, but he could not say that out loud, so he simply let out a defeated sigh. “Let’s just drop this. I want to fix whatever went wrong between us. I want us to get back to being friends.”

“What do you think I’m doing?” Terrance asked, then answered his own question, “Being your friend and making sure you don’t cross the line between art and life.”

“There are many lines I can’t cross and they are lit up in neon green so I don’t mistake them,” Adam said with a chuckle. Inside though, Adam wasn’t chuckling, because the brightest of those lines was the one separating him from Terrance. Even if Tommy had been a possibility, it wasn’t that line Adam wanted across.

“Friends then?” Terrance held out his hand.

“Only if you offer to buy me a really cold Corona,” Adam replied, taking his friend’s hand.

“Says the guy that just got back from Baja? You’ve got to be kidding me!” Terrance laughed.

Adam smiled. Things were back to normal. His heart was still training for the Olympics, but it was far from beating Usain Bolt’s world record. What now? he wondered.



Unofficially they kicked off the tour at Fantasy Springs, but, being a car ride from LA, it didn't really count. Then they left on the international promo tour sans Tommy (which caused quite a stir), but not having the entire Glamily along for the ride diminished the experience. Adam was actually grateful to finally be on tour.

Everything was back to normal. Terrance, Sasha and Adam hung out late nights while everyone threw in the towel, or were just too pissed to keep up. Taylor was being a good sport about being the youngest of the group. The awkwardness meter (if there was such a device) didn’t even budge an inch when Lane announced bus assignments and the dancers ended up on Adam’s bus. And, if Terrance was fine with it, Adam was not about to make a stink about it. Besides, if he bunked with the band, his twitter feed would really become unbearable. Right now it bordered on cute and hilarious.

Everything was back to normal, until he kissed Tommy. Again.

“That’s some fan service,” Terrance commented as the troupe made their way backstage after the show.

“They were eating it up,” Tommy beamed with pride, like he got goody points for the tongue duel with Adam. Well, maybe from the fans and Adam. Monte looked like he thought Tommy was slightly disturbed (the horror movie villains inked into Tommy's arm might have contributed to that perception), and Terrance looked like he was about to burst a vein. The rest of the Glamily had no opinion, or none they cared to share with words, or deeds, or simple grimaces.

Nothing changed right away. It was like a slow bleed from a surface wound. Nothing dramatic like spurts from an artery to catch one’s notice, but a wound that nevertheless drains every last drop, until there is nothing left but a carcass of a friendship and two men on the edge. Adam definitely felt like he was teetering on the edge when he walked into his bus after the show one night to find the party had started without him.

Terrance was sprawled out on the black leather seats with two twinks hanging off either arm, and both twinks were dueling each other for his tongue.

“Hi Adam,” one of the twinks called out as he walked by the trio.

“Yeah, lovely show,” the other pulled away from Terrance’s kiss long enough to mutter.

Adam cocked his head to side and let a sardonic smile play on his lips. “Not as interesting as the show you seem to have planned for the after-party on my bus.”

Everyone laughed at that, and somehow no one seemed to notice that Adam was not laughing. It’s not funny. Adam fumed inside. There’s nothing remotely hilarious about...He didn’t let himself finish the thought.

“Terrance,” Adam beckoned with his finger as he strode through the door to his on-board lodging.

“What is it, Adam?” Terrance stumbled into the room, unsteady on his feet from the near trip over Sasha’s feet. She must have said something to him, because Terrance was laughing.

That was it! Adam snapped. “What is fucking funny about bringing your tramps into my bus? Did they promise to suck on your cock harder if the infamous Adam Lambert watched?”

“Whoa...dude...calm the fuck down.” A panicked Terrance shut the door behind him and held up his hands in surrender. “You do not want to be talking like that within earshot of people who might blab about what happens.”

“And who the fuck brought them here?”

“Look, it’s not like anything was really going to happen. Sasha was here...” Terrance tried to talk himself out of it. Adam's face furrowed into a scowl, so Terrance tried a more contrite version. “They were pretty things, and I was just showing off a little. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have.”

“Damn right you shouldn’t have. I don’t want to walk into my zen zone to the sight of you making out with some twinks,” Adam said, his tone getting progressively louder as he spoke.

Terrance frowned. “Is this about me making out with those twinks? I freaking watch you maul Tommy on stage every night and never once said a word about it.”

That’s not the same! Adam wanted to scream. But, he was too stunned to utter a word. Did Terrance just admit to something here, or was that just my imagination playing tricks on me. Adam Panicked. It was time to back away from this conversation. “Well, better get back to your twinks. They must be missing you already.”

“Like I fucking care about that when you are obviously upset.”

“Look, just get them off my bus. Take them to a hotel. I’ll even pick up the tab,” Adam said, desperately trying to hold up the curtain masking his inner turmoil.

“Adam!” Terrance’s warning was a growl.

It was a warning Adam didn’t heed. He stepped around Terrance and reached for the door handle. However, before he could open the door, he was yanked back, turned around and pushed back against the plywood frame of the bus partition.

“Terra---” Adam started to protest, but his words were swallowed by Terrance’s lips.

Time slowed to a still, and for that long suspended moment Adam was unable to process what was happening. Then it hit him all at once. Terrance kissed him. Terrance was still kissing him. Part of him panicked and wanted to run out of his own skin, but another part, the part that nurtured his crush all this while, was giddy instead. His lips parted of their own accord--Adam was not accepting responsibility for that!--and he was a goner at his first taste of Terrance. Adam moaned into the kiss and Terrance responded by linking fingers behind Adam’s neck and pulling him down so he could reach Adam's lips with greater ease.

Adam’s hands wrapped around Terrance’s waist, grabbing at the taught muscle beneath his shirt and grinding their hard cocks together. Hard...When did that happen? That was all the thought Adam could manage, because Terrance rolled his hips and it felt like a star-burst in his head.

Adam usually felt out of place, like he did not belong. Somehow, this was different. It felt so natural. So...Right. So...Perfect. Adam felt like he belonged in Terrance’s arms...forever. That’s when the panicked part of him won.

He pushed Terrance away, trying to ignore how perfectly the expanse of chest fit into his stayed palms.

“Adam...I’m sorry...” Terrance offered between gasped breaths.

“Just go...Now!”

“The door is behind you.” Terrance pointed out.

Adam stepped out of the way and watched Terrance leave without another word. He cringed when the door rattled from the force with which Terrance closed it between them. Alone in his agony, Adam tried to still his protesting heart.

He’d kissed Terrance. Correction: Terrance had kissed him. It was everything he’d ever wanted. Except he wanted much, much more. What now?



“Would you like some coffee cakes?” the waitress asked. The two braids that framed her face had her looking lost in a remake of the Wizard of Oz. It was all very Dutch.

Adam knew from her smile, if nothing else, that these were not ordinary coffee cakes. He was not one to judge, but it was not his usual choice of high--mostly because he’d always felt his waistline couldn’t handle the high, if he was honest with himself. He’d take a trip over a high any day, and in Amsterdam, they were both on offer. Usually.

The waitress was still standing there and Adam realized he’d not actually given an answer--none she could have heard anyway. He smiled at her, an apology of sorts, and opened his mouth to decline. Somehow, he found himself nodding instead. After last night on the bus, he needed a chill pill and figured he’d make that a chill-cake.

It worked too. When he walked into sound check, past Terrance and the other dancers, his heart wasn’t racing. It was merely jogging. That was chill paced by his measure so he grabbed some more cakes on the way back to the hotel.

Adam was actually grateful the schedule had them spending the night at the hotel. He didn’t think he could handle another night in the bus. He’d just lay in bed, stare at the door, and remember being sandwiched between that door and Terrance’s firm bulk. Dammit! One thing he’d forgotten about being high is how fucking horny it made him. And now...was just a bad time.



There had been some conversation over lunch about lighting up a joint on stage. Adam wasn’t sure who brought it up, or if it was even a serious conversation, he was distracted by luscious lips that moved every time Terrance spoke or laughed.

Actually, he was distracted by the memory of those lips on his last night. If he consented to the on-stage joint smoking, he had no memory of that. As such, he was surprised when he was handed a lit joint during his performance. Not one to freak out while on stage, he was rather calm about it. The cakes from earlier in the day helped too.

Adam was worried about choking on the damn thing, but his first puff went without a glitch. A few puffs later, and still no coughing fit, he passed the joint.

The high hit instantly this time, because inhaled was rather different from mixed into cake dough. It wouldn’t have been a problem, but the set list conspired against him. Horny from his high plus a ‘Whole Lotta Love’ was a lethal combination. Buoyed by the cheering crowds, Adam let go even more than he usually did on stage and next thing he was licking Tommy’s tonsils. He could not remember how long he had his bassist's back pressed into the makeshift stairs, but when he opened his eyes it was Terrance’s face he’d expected to see. The kiss was just that good. Almost perfect. But, it wasn’t Terrance. Somehow that put the almost before the perfect into its place.

Adam made it through the encore, and then he left the venue to go get really drunk.



It was early in the morning when Adam found himself knocking on room 408. A half asleep Terrance opened the door, rubbing his eyelids to wake himself. His reaction to Adam on the side of the door was to rub some more.

“How many boys do you have in here this time? Is there room for one more?” Adam asked, his words slurred.

“Adam, you are drunk!” Terrance exclaimed.

Adam nodded, “and horny.”

Terrance groaned and pulled Adam into the room before some nosey hotel guest turned up.

“I want to fuck you,” Adam announced, which had Terrance choking on his own spit.

“With the state you are in, there will be no fucking going on.” Terrance finally managed to say.

“Spoil sport.” Adam pouted.

“I won’t be your sport, Adam. And I won’t be your consolation prize.”

Consolation prize. Adam was high, and his brain was drenched in liquor, so it didn’t register why that sounded odd. It just did. Besides, Terrance was undressing him and nothing mattered beyond the feel of those strong hands on him.

The next time Adam was self aware, he was on his back, on the bed, and Terrance was pulling off his socks.

Adam wanted to be helpful so he tugged at the only piece of garment still on him: his underpants.
“You can leave that on,” Terrance said, his words rushed.

Adam shook his head. “I never sleep in them.”

He could not quite manage to wriggle out of his pants, but he did free his cock. The slide of the garment over his hardness refocused his mind on the throbbing cock demanding attention. Adam wrapped his hand around himself and moaned. God! It feels so good.

“Adam...” Terrance croaked.

The motion of hand on cock slowed, but only momentarily. There was something about Terrance’s stare, lower lip caught between his teeth, that urged Adam on.

Adam watched the flicker of emotions on Terrance’s face through the trance he was caught up in: high on drugs, drunk on liquor and tripping on Terrance. He heard the groan that marked the crumbling of Terrance’s self-restraint and felt his hands being replaced. God! That feels even better.

When Terrance slipped into bed beside him, bare torso against bare torso, Adam closed his eyes and was afraid he’d open them to find it was but a dream.

“You are so beautiful,” Terrance murmured against his shoulder.

“Hmmmm...” Adam felt himself shudder with desire.

“...and huge.” Terrance squeezed his fingers tight on the length of Adam’s cock.

If Adam could utter articulate words, he might have said something. He grunted his pleasure instead.

“You are so wasted, you won’t even remember this in the morning, will you?” Terrance asked.

Adam thought to protest, but it was lost in the high of the drugs, alcohol and pleasure.

“Don’t worry. I’ll remember enough for both of us.” Terrance licked a line from Adam’s shoulder, up his neck, over his jawline, and to his lips.

They were kissing again and it was perfect. Again. This time Adam couldn’t--wouldn’t-- pull away. He moaned into Terrance’s mouth as his body quaked with release.

“Pick me, Adam. If only because you can’t do this with him,” Terrance whispered against Adam’s cheek as the orgasm lulled the latter into sleep.

“Hmmm...” Adam murmured as he dozed off. He did not quite register the other man’s words or their meaning.



The next morning Adam woke under Terrance’s watchful eyes.

“Good morning,” Terrance said, when Adam opened his eyes.

Adam groaned. “How late did I sleep in?” he asked.

“It’s early. I wasn’t going to wake you yet,” Terrance replied.

“What am I doing in your bed?”

“I know you’d rather wake in some other bed, but---” Terrance was interrupted by Adam’s groan.

“Oh my god, last night...” Adam turned to bury his face in the sheets.

“Do you love him?” Terrance asked.

Him? Adam frowned. “Who?” he asked.

“Tommy,” Terrance replied, very matter of fact.

Adam groaned. “Of course, but not like that.”

Terrance ignored him. “I know he’s your type, pretty androgynous elf and all, but he is straight.”

“First my fans, now you. What the fuck?” Adam asked.

“Maybe it has something to do with the way you devoured him on-stage last night.”

“Exactly, on-stage!” Adam protested.

“I know what I saw,” Terrance replied.

“I’m not in love with Tommy. Drop it!” Adam did not want to have this conversation at all. It could only lead to bad places.

“You are in denial.”

“I’m not!” Adam was just short of yelling.

“Whatever you say,” Terrance conceded in a tone that made it clear he conceded nothing.

“I don’t love Tommy. I can’t. I’m already in love with someone else.” This was exactly where Adam didn’t want this conversation to head. He should have shut up while he had the chance earlier, because Terrance was looking at him with sad eyes that looked full of tears and muttering something Adam could not make out.

“Terrance!” Adam scrambled to stop Terrance from leaving.

“Look, Adam. Just forget about last night. I won’t tell anyone, you know that. Let’s just forget about it and go back to the way things were,” Terrance begged.

“What if I don’t want things to go back to the way they were?” Adam asked. Terrance stared at him, confused. “What if I want more than you can give me?”

“What are you talking about?” Terrance asked, his voice uneven.

Here goes, Adam thought to himself. “I love you,” he whispered, almost afraid to hear the words uttered out loud.

“What?” Terrance croaked, snapping his head back in surprise.

“I said, ‘I love you’. I’ve always loved you,” Adam admitted.

“You are not just fucking with me, are you? Cos that’s more than I can endure.” Terrance sounded like a man both deliriously happy and in agony.

“The thing is I can’t do casual. Not with you. So my one night of fucking idea last night, thanks for not taking me up on it. I’d rather guess at what could have been, than know perfection and not get to keep it,” Adam said.

“Why can’t you keep it?” Terrance asked, his brows furrowed into a frown.

Adam tried to laugh. “Come on Terrance. This is you we are talking about. Mr. one-night-stand and I-only-do-casual-relationships.”

“Did you ever consider that I was only trying to take the edge off loving someone and knowing I am not his type?”

“No...I’d always---” Adam stopped mid-sentence because he finally heard what Terrance was saying. “Kiss me,” he ordered.

Terrance obliged and soon they were rolling around on the bed, tongues vying for supremacy and eyes laughing.

“Don’t tell me...we...are...both...tops?” Adam asked between kisses.

“For you...and only you...Dante’s game,” Terrance snuck his reply out too.

Adam didn’t have the patience to take the white briefs off Terrance, he ripped them off. “I swear, this is not just about the sex,” he said.

“Just shut up and fuck me already,” Terrance replied.

“Lube? Rubber?” Adam asked.

“Drawer on your side,” Terrance said, still not letting Adam pull away from the kiss completely.

Adam reached behind him and felt around for the knob of the drawer. He pulled it open and tapped around inside until he came up with the bottle of lube, and the pack of condoms, all without breaking their kiss. He smeared his finger with some lube and got to work preparing Terrance to take him.

Terrance was so tight around his fingers, Adam was afraid it would be over before he even made it inside him. “Fuck baby, you are so tight.”

“Hmmm,” Terrance moaned into the kiss as Adam curled the finger inside him.

Adam added another finger, then a third, and when Terrance was babbling and incoherent, he slowly stuffed his cock into Dante’s tightness. He was in deep and he stopped to keep from coming. This could not possibly feel better, Adam thought to himself. He was wrong. When Terrance started rolling his hips and bucking like he was riding a bronco, it definitely felt better. Much better.

When they came, it was together. It was imperfect, but it was perfection.

Their breathing slowed as they came off the high, one that drugs and alcohol alone could never replicate. It was the high of a love shared. Adam felt like he belonged in Terrance’s arms...forever. This time he did not panic, because maybe Terrance wanted him there too.

“What now?” Adam asked.

“Let’s take it one day at a time,” Terrance replied. “Together.”



The End