Acceptance 1/1
Title: Acceptance Author: StormyBear30 Author Website: http://archiveofourown.org/users/StormyBear30 Pairing: Kris/Adam Rating: R Summary: Kris has finally accepted what has happened. Author’s Note: All mistakes are mine and this is un-beta’d. Disclaimer: I don’t know them. I have no idea of their sexual orientation. These are just stories that the muses in my head forced me to write.
The silence around him was calm and peaceful but Kris knew it wasn’t going to last long as he took another drag from the joint in his hand, a joint he had stolen from Adam’s stash. Inhaling deeply he held the smoke as long as he could before expelling it into the air. With closed eyes he allowed the drug to inhabit him as he sat before his lap top, dreading what was about to happen. Opening his eyes he looked at the time located on the bottom of the screen, his heart beating just a little bit faster because he knew his time of peacefulness was coming to a close. It had been tree days since he had seen the pictures of his boyfriend cheating on him and it had taken him that long to build up the nerve to confront him. He still hadn't spoken to Adam directly but had spoken through his best friend Brad as well as Adam’s assistant on more then one occasion. There had even been a few calls from his management team but Kris had refused to even consider speaking to Adam at that time no matter how much they threatened him. They didn't manage him and at that point in time he truly didn't care that Adam was such a fall down mess that two of his shows had to be cancelled and there was a chance that there would be even more. There had been screaming and yelling and when they started to threaten him with law suits he had proceeded to tell them where to stick their threats and hung up on them, because he knew no matter their big words that there was no way they could sue him for not speaking to the lying bastard they were working for.
“Fuck” He whispered when the silence around him was interrupted by the ringing from his laptop, a favorite photo of Adam alerting him to a FaceTime call. His heart beat so quickly within his chest that he felt as if he were going to pass out as he momentarily thought about not accepting it. “Fuck” He said again as he took a final hit from the joint before hitting the accept button on the screen.
“I didn’t think you were going to answer” He heard Adam say softly, the man looking completely disheveled in a way that Kris had never seen in all the years he had known him. His always perfectly groomed hair looked greasy and unbrushed. His face, clear of all make up looked as greasy as his hair and completely pale. The man looked as if he'd been through the ringer and Kris supposed he had at the amount of guilt and shame he found staring back at him through dull looking eyes. He wanted to feel bad for Adam, wanted to feel sympathetic for the hell he apparently had been living in but then he remembered why Adam was feeling that way and focused on his anger instead.
“I almost didn't” Kris replied as he blew out the smoke lingering in his throat. He was amazed how strong his voice sounded despite the fact that he felt anything but.
“I can understand that” Adam said softly. “I just glad that you did. Please say something Kris” He begged when he received nothing but silence, tears trickling from his eyes because he had so much to tell him but didn’t know where to start or if Kris would even want to hear any of it.
"Why?" Kris asked, biting the inside of his lip in order to keep himself together because as devastated as he felt on the inside it grew ten times worse at the devastated look that passed over Adam’s face and the torrent of tears and “I'm sorry’s” that flew from his mouth right afterwards. “Why would you do this to me?” He asked again when he still hadn't received a reply, his own tears sliding down his face.
“ I got drunk and made a huge mistake” Adam cried out as he hide his face in his hands and cried even harder. “I didn't mean for it to happen. In truth I don't even remember much of that night. I remember going out to a club with one of the local DJ’s I had met during an interview that morning. We were doing some drinking and some drugs and then I saw him walk up to the table. Turned out that he and the DJ were good friends. We had a few more drinks and it's pretty much a blur after that” Adam explained through his tears as he watched Kris’s face closely. “I think that they gave me something because one minute I had a slight buzz going on and then the next there were a lot of flashes and I found myself in that alley with him and…” Adam couldn't finish his sentence as he watched the anger roll across Kris’s face.
“He was on his knees sucking your dick” Kris finished for him the anger from before back as he tried to understand all that Adam had told him as well as the lingering image constantly playing over and over in his head. “You've lectured me for years…even before we started dating about taking candy from strangers and yet you do the exact same thing. I begged you Adam…begged you not to go out while you were there because I had a feeling he would be out looking for you and as I recall you called me crazy and refused to talk to me for nearly two days. When we made love the night before you left I thought maybe you understood why I was so worried but then the very next morning you made me feel like I was crazy once again before storming out. You really hurt me Adam…so much” Kris sobbed, his anger turned to complete devastation yet again.
“I know and I'm so sorry” Adam cried out just as broken. “I never wanted for this to happen. It was a mistake. You have to believe me that it was a mistake”
“You can say it was a mistake until you turn blue in the face but the fact of the matter remains that you cheated on me. You say you don't remember much but honestly Adam the way things have been between us lately I guess I've been expecting something like this to happen anyway”
“You think I cheated on you on purpose?” Adam questioned in shock because he had no idea Kris had been thinking as he had.
“Your always so angry at me. Lately no matter what I say you turn it into something to get mad about and then a fight ensues. The truth is that in the last six months we’ve spent more time not speaking to each other then we have speaking to each other”
“Don't put that all on me Kristopher. You've been just as pissed off at me in all that time” Adam shot back with an edge of anger because although Adam had been frustrated with Kris in the past, Kris seemed to be equally frustrated with him as well.
“ Kind of hard not to be frustrated when everything I do is wrong in your eyes” Kris spoke up, wishing like hell he had another joint to calm his nerves.
“I… don't even know what to say to that” Adam replied in shock because despite their recent bouts of bickering he had thought the love shared between them was real but as he looked at Kris’s conflicted face he found he didn't know anything. “I know we've been fighting some but I never suspected you felt this way about me. I thought you knew that I loved you and I thought that you loved me” He went on, his voice barely above a whisper due to the pain lodged in his throat.
“I do you you Adam. I love you so much but if I'm being truthful I haven't felt that love being reciprocated in such a long time. We used to be so happy in the beginning. Do you remember?” He asked, his anger weening some at the huge tears falling from Adam’s eyes.
“I remember” Adam replied as he closed his eyes and recalled those happier times when they were completely happy and in love.
“We couldn't keep our hands off of each other and we hated every second we were apart. We did everything together and shared everything. I thought that we would be like that forever and then you bought this fucking house and asked me to move in. I thought that living together would bring us even closer but you had to have everything your way and I wasn't allowed to make any part of it mine. I've lived in this house for over two years and there is nothing in it that says that Kris Allen lives here. I hate all this fancy crap. I hate that you spent twenty five thousand dollars on couch that I'm not allowed to sit on, that you spent ten thousand dollars on a comforter that looks like it belongs in a teenage girls room. I hate that you had a major melt down when I put a couple of bags of chips in the pantry and then preceded to ban any snack food because you can't control yourself knowing they are there. I hate that living in this fancy house of yours makes me so completely uncomfortable that I truly hate being here most of the time”
“Is that why you destroyed every thing?” Adam questioned, knowing that every word that Kris said was true. When they had first started dating each was living in their own separate apartments but a year into the relationship he had decided to buy a house and had asked Kris to move in with him shortly thereafter. He could recall Kris complaining about the décor and wanting to change a few things to make living there more comfortable for him, yet he had refused adamantly. He had stopped putting up a fight after that and Adam hadn't thought anything else about it.
"I was just so angry that you could do this to me and that combined with the anger I had been hiding from you before I just lost it” Kris explained. “I'm not sorry for being angry but I am sorry for destroying your home”
“Our home” Adam whispered as he hung his head because he just couldn't look at Kris’s face any longer.
“You were my home Adam but this place never was” Kris corrected.
"Were?” Adam questioned as he looked up because he didn't like the sound of that one word. “What does that mean? Does it mean what I think it means?”
“I don't know what it means” Kris replied truthfully because as much as he loved Adam he wasn't sure if he could ever forgive him.
“ I'm going to come home…back to California” He amended quickly as he moved closer toward the camera. “Please Kris let me come back. We can talk about this face to face. I can prove to you that despite the fact that I made a huge mistake that I love you”
“No…” He answered quickly shaking his head. “I can't see you right now…can't be around you. I need time to think…time to figure out what I want to do”
“Kris please” Adam begged, a sob escaping from his throat because he knew if he couldn't get to Kris now that things would never be the same again. “Please don't give up on us…on me”
“Don't give up on us” Kris yelled, his anger spiking once again. “You did this to us” He yelled even louder as he slammed his fist on the table the laptop was sitting on. “You told me that you loved me You promised that you would be faithful to me and do everything in your power to never hurt me and you broke every single promise you made to me. You told me you loved me…” He yelled again “And then you cheated on me with your ex. I am so angry at you right now and I don't think that I can ever forgive you for what you did You..you devastated my heart Adam” He couldn't say anymore as he hid his face on his hands and sobbed his broken heart out. He could hear Adam crying equally as hard and as much as his heart wanted to forgive him and forget about what he had done to their relationship his head just could not.
“So that's it” Adam finally spoke up after several moments of sobbing between the two of them. “You aren't even going to give me a chance to make this up to you…to prove to you that this was a mistake. It's just that easy to end what we've shared between us for the last four years” His words laced with anger even though he knew he had no right to feel anything but shame and sadness.
“You think this is easy?” Kris cried out in shock and rage. “Because trust me none of this is easy. My whole world was destroyed and yet despite that I want to forgive you so badly Adam and forget about what you did…but I can't. I can't ever forget what you did because every time I look at you… ...every time you try to get intimate with me I'm going to remember those picture of you getting your dick sucked by someone you broke up with to be with me” More anger and tears washed over him as he recalled the pictures that seemed forever burned onto his mind. “I love you Adam…lord know that I do but I can't forgive you. I've already packed my stuff and I'm leaving today. Whither you finish your tour or not please don't come looking for me. I need to be away from this house…from you. I'm so sorry Adam…you have no idea how much but I need to extract you from my life and try and move on” He didn't give Adam a chance to respond as he quickly ended the session, falling to the floor as he completely fell apart.
“So you’re actually doing this” Kris heard Brad say as they stood awkwardly in the middle of the airport terminal several days later. “There is no way that I can convince you that this is a very horrible idea and to give Adam another chance?”
Closing his eyes Kris swallowed the lump of pain in his throat and kept them closed until he felt he could control the tears burning behind those closed lids. “I just can't” He rasped when he finally was able to open them, taking in the sad face of Adam’s best friend. For what felt like the hundredth time that morning he wondered why he had called the man in the first place and asked him to take him to the airport, but knowing that despite how much he was still devastated by Adam’s betrayal that he wanted to make sure that Brad took care of the man. “I have to go check in but I wanted to thank you for everything…for being there for me when this first came out when you really didn't have to”
"Do you even want to how how he is before you leave?” Brad asked even though he knew the answer by the look on Kris’s face.
"I can't. Take care of him please. “Keep him safe and make sure he doesn't do anything stupid. Please Brad I'm begging you. “He begged as he hugged Brad quickly before rushing towards the safety of the terminal gate.
“You still love him Kris. You can't tell me that you don't” Brad hollered after him.
“And I always will” He whispered in reply knowing that Brad couldn't hear him.
“Can I get you anything Mr. Allen?” He heard the flight attendant ask an hour later after he had boarded the plane and they had taken off.
“No…I'm fine thank you” He replied with a small smile as he unbuckled his seatbelt.
“Well if you need anything you just let me know” She said as she patted him on the shoulder with a sympathetic smile on her face. Kris hated that smile because he had seen a lot of it since the pictures had invaded the media. Looking around the cabin he found several people looking at him, some even out right staring at him and whispering loud enough for him hear. Ignoring them he leaned back and closed his eyes. He didn't care what any of them had to say or what they thought because he was finally going to take control of his life and move on. He knew he was always going to love Adam but he knew for his sanity leaving him had been the right decision. At least that's what his brain told him, his heart on the other hand screamed how much of a mistake the decision had been and how they were never going to be the same because of it.
The End…until I post the next and final chapter. :)
The silence around him was calm and peaceful but Kris knew it wasn’t going to last long as he took another drag from the joint in his hand, a joint he had stolen from Adam’s stash. Inhaling deeply he held the smoke as long as he could before expelling it into the air. With closed eyes he allowed the drug to inhabit him as he sat before his lap top, dreading what was about to happen. Opening his eyes he looked at the time located on the bottom of the screen, his heart beating just a little bit faster because he knew his time of peacefulness was coming to a close. It had been tree days since he had seen the pictures of his boyfriend cheating on him and it had taken him that long to build up the nerve to confront him. He still hadn't spoken to Adam directly but had spoken through his best friend Brad as well as Adam’s assistant on more then one occasion. There had even been a few calls from his management team but Kris had refused to even consider speaking to Adam at that time no matter how much they threatened him. They didn't manage him and at that point in time he truly didn't care that Adam was such a fall down mess that two of his shows had to be cancelled and there was a chance that there would be even more. There had been screaming and yelling and when they started to threaten him with law suits he had proceeded to tell them where to stick their threats and hung up on them, because he knew no matter their big words that there was no way they could sue him for not speaking to the lying bastard they were working for.
“Fuck” He whispered when the silence around him was interrupted by the ringing from his laptop, a favorite photo of Adam alerting him to a FaceTime call. His heart beat so quickly within his chest that he felt as if he were going to pass out as he momentarily thought about not accepting it. “Fuck” He said again as he took a final hit from the joint before hitting the accept button on the screen.
“I didn’t think you were going to answer” He heard Adam say softly, the man looking completely disheveled in a way that Kris had never seen in all the years he had known him. His always perfectly groomed hair looked greasy and unbrushed. His face, clear of all make up looked as greasy as his hair and completely pale. The man looked as if he'd been through the ringer and Kris supposed he had at the amount of guilt and shame he found staring back at him through dull looking eyes. He wanted to feel bad for Adam, wanted to feel sympathetic for the hell he apparently had been living in but then he remembered why Adam was feeling that way and focused on his anger instead.
“I almost didn't” Kris replied as he blew out the smoke lingering in his throat. He was amazed how strong his voice sounded despite the fact that he felt anything but.
“I can understand that” Adam said softly. “I just glad that you did. Please say something Kris” He begged when he received nothing but silence, tears trickling from his eyes because he had so much to tell him but didn’t know where to start or if Kris would even want to hear any of it.
"Why?" Kris asked, biting the inside of his lip in order to keep himself together because as devastated as he felt on the inside it grew ten times worse at the devastated look that passed over Adam’s face and the torrent of tears and “I'm sorry’s” that flew from his mouth right afterwards. “Why would you do this to me?” He asked again when he still hadn't received a reply, his own tears sliding down his face.
“ I got drunk and made a huge mistake” Adam cried out as he hide his face in his hands and cried even harder. “I didn't mean for it to happen. In truth I don't even remember much of that night. I remember going out to a club with one of the local DJ’s I had met during an interview that morning. We were doing some drinking and some drugs and then I saw him walk up to the table. Turned out that he and the DJ were good friends. We had a few more drinks and it's pretty much a blur after that” Adam explained through his tears as he watched Kris’s face closely. “I think that they gave me something because one minute I had a slight buzz going on and then the next there were a lot of flashes and I found myself in that alley with him and…” Adam couldn't finish his sentence as he watched the anger roll across Kris’s face.
“He was on his knees sucking your dick” Kris finished for him the anger from before back as he tried to understand all that Adam had told him as well as the lingering image constantly playing over and over in his head. “You've lectured me for years…even before we started dating about taking candy from strangers and yet you do the exact same thing. I begged you Adam…begged you not to go out while you were there because I had a feeling he would be out looking for you and as I recall you called me crazy and refused to talk to me for nearly two days. When we made love the night before you left I thought maybe you understood why I was so worried but then the very next morning you made me feel like I was crazy once again before storming out. You really hurt me Adam…so much” Kris sobbed, his anger turned to complete devastation yet again.
“I know and I'm so sorry” Adam cried out just as broken. “I never wanted for this to happen. It was a mistake. You have to believe me that it was a mistake”
“You can say it was a mistake until you turn blue in the face but the fact of the matter remains that you cheated on me. You say you don't remember much but honestly Adam the way things have been between us lately I guess I've been expecting something like this to happen anyway”
“You think I cheated on you on purpose?” Adam questioned in shock because he had no idea Kris had been thinking as he had.
“Your always so angry at me. Lately no matter what I say you turn it into something to get mad about and then a fight ensues. The truth is that in the last six months we’ve spent more time not speaking to each other then we have speaking to each other”
“Don't put that all on me Kristopher. You've been just as pissed off at me in all that time” Adam shot back with an edge of anger because although Adam had been frustrated with Kris in the past, Kris seemed to be equally frustrated with him as well.
“ Kind of hard not to be frustrated when everything I do is wrong in your eyes” Kris spoke up, wishing like hell he had another joint to calm his nerves.
“I… don't even know what to say to that” Adam replied in shock because despite their recent bouts of bickering he had thought the love shared between them was real but as he looked at Kris’s conflicted face he found he didn't know anything. “I know we've been fighting some but I never suspected you felt this way about me. I thought you knew that I loved you and I thought that you loved me” He went on, his voice barely above a whisper due to the pain lodged in his throat.
“I do you you Adam. I love you so much but if I'm being truthful I haven't felt that love being reciprocated in such a long time. We used to be so happy in the beginning. Do you remember?” He asked, his anger weening some at the huge tears falling from Adam’s eyes.
“I remember” Adam replied as he closed his eyes and recalled those happier times when they were completely happy and in love.
“We couldn't keep our hands off of each other and we hated every second we were apart. We did everything together and shared everything. I thought that we would be like that forever and then you bought this fucking house and asked me to move in. I thought that living together would bring us even closer but you had to have everything your way and I wasn't allowed to make any part of it mine. I've lived in this house for over two years and there is nothing in it that says that Kris Allen lives here. I hate all this fancy crap. I hate that you spent twenty five thousand dollars on couch that I'm not allowed to sit on, that you spent ten thousand dollars on a comforter that looks like it belongs in a teenage girls room. I hate that you had a major melt down when I put a couple of bags of chips in the pantry and then preceded to ban any snack food because you can't control yourself knowing they are there. I hate that living in this fancy house of yours makes me so completely uncomfortable that I truly hate being here most of the time”
“Is that why you destroyed every thing?” Adam questioned, knowing that every word that Kris said was true. When they had first started dating each was living in their own separate apartments but a year into the relationship he had decided to buy a house and had asked Kris to move in with him shortly thereafter. He could recall Kris complaining about the décor and wanting to change a few things to make living there more comfortable for him, yet he had refused adamantly. He had stopped putting up a fight after that and Adam hadn't thought anything else about it.
"I was just so angry that you could do this to me and that combined with the anger I had been hiding from you before I just lost it” Kris explained. “I'm not sorry for being angry but I am sorry for destroying your home”
“Our home” Adam whispered as he hung his head because he just couldn't look at Kris’s face any longer.
“You were my home Adam but this place never was” Kris corrected.
"Were?” Adam questioned as he looked up because he didn't like the sound of that one word. “What does that mean? Does it mean what I think it means?”
“I don't know what it means” Kris replied truthfully because as much as he loved Adam he wasn't sure if he could ever forgive him.
“ I'm going to come home…back to California” He amended quickly as he moved closer toward the camera. “Please Kris let me come back. We can talk about this face to face. I can prove to you that despite the fact that I made a huge mistake that I love you”
“No…” He answered quickly shaking his head. “I can't see you right now…can't be around you. I need time to think…time to figure out what I want to do”
“Kris please” Adam begged, a sob escaping from his throat because he knew if he couldn't get to Kris now that things would never be the same again. “Please don't give up on us…on me”
“Don't give up on us” Kris yelled, his anger spiking once again. “You did this to us” He yelled even louder as he slammed his fist on the table the laptop was sitting on. “You told me that you loved me You promised that you would be faithful to me and do everything in your power to never hurt me and you broke every single promise you made to me. You told me you loved me…” He yelled again “And then you cheated on me with your ex. I am so angry at you right now and I don't think that I can ever forgive you for what you did You..you devastated my heart Adam” He couldn't say anymore as he hid his face on his hands and sobbed his broken heart out. He could hear Adam crying equally as hard and as much as his heart wanted to forgive him and forget about what he had done to their relationship his head just could not.
“So that's it” Adam finally spoke up after several moments of sobbing between the two of them. “You aren't even going to give me a chance to make this up to you…to prove to you that this was a mistake. It's just that easy to end what we've shared between us for the last four years” His words laced with anger even though he knew he had no right to feel anything but shame and sadness.
“You think this is easy?” Kris cried out in shock and rage. “Because trust me none of this is easy. My whole world was destroyed and yet despite that I want to forgive you so badly Adam and forget about what you did…but I can't. I can't ever forget what you did because every time I look at you… ...every time you try to get intimate with me I'm going to remember those picture of you getting your dick sucked by someone you broke up with to be with me” More anger and tears washed over him as he recalled the pictures that seemed forever burned onto his mind. “I love you Adam…lord know that I do but I can't forgive you. I've already packed my stuff and I'm leaving today. Whither you finish your tour or not please don't come looking for me. I need to be away from this house…from you. I'm so sorry Adam…you have no idea how much but I need to extract you from my life and try and move on” He didn't give Adam a chance to respond as he quickly ended the session, falling to the floor as he completely fell apart.
“So you’re actually doing this” Kris heard Brad say as they stood awkwardly in the middle of the airport terminal several days later. “There is no way that I can convince you that this is a very horrible idea and to give Adam another chance?”
Closing his eyes Kris swallowed the lump of pain in his throat and kept them closed until he felt he could control the tears burning behind those closed lids. “I just can't” He rasped when he finally was able to open them, taking in the sad face of Adam’s best friend. For what felt like the hundredth time that morning he wondered why he had called the man in the first place and asked him to take him to the airport, but knowing that despite how much he was still devastated by Adam’s betrayal that he wanted to make sure that Brad took care of the man. “I have to go check in but I wanted to thank you for everything…for being there for me when this first came out when you really didn't have to”
"Do you even want to how how he is before you leave?” Brad asked even though he knew the answer by the look on Kris’s face.
"I can't. Take care of him please. “Keep him safe and make sure he doesn't do anything stupid. Please Brad I'm begging you. “He begged as he hugged Brad quickly before rushing towards the safety of the terminal gate.
“You still love him Kris. You can't tell me that you don't” Brad hollered after him.
“And I always will” He whispered in reply knowing that Brad couldn't hear him.
“Can I get you anything Mr. Allen?” He heard the flight attendant ask an hour later after he had boarded the plane and they had taken off.
“No…I'm fine thank you” He replied with a small smile as he unbuckled his seatbelt.
“Well if you need anything you just let me know” She said as she patted him on the shoulder with a sympathetic smile on her face. Kris hated that smile because he had seen a lot of it since the pictures had invaded the media. Looking around the cabin he found several people looking at him, some even out right staring at him and whispering loud enough for him hear. Ignoring them he leaned back and closed his eyes. He didn't care what any of them had to say or what they thought because he was finally going to take control of his life and move on. He knew he was always going to love Adam but he knew for his sanity leaving him had been the right decision. At least that's what his brain told him, his heart on the other hand screamed how much of a mistake the decision had been and how they were never going to be the same because of it.
The End…until I post the next and final chapter. :)