(no subject)
Sitting here in my hotel room, its freezing outside. And to make matters worse (or better, depends on how you look at it) I have a non smoking room. I suppose I should be thankful, Im not smoking as much.
I find myself surfing LJ, reading journal after journal. Yes, I know that sounds pathetic. At least however Im getting paid for it. I found a lot of commonality within many journals here. Many, seem to be fighting there own demons. I had to stop and think for a minute; "why am I here"? I suppose I do not need to ask a question I already have an answer to. Maybe it's denial.
Boredom has a way of making one think, sometimes to much. I'm aggravated, I feel confined, I'm unable to paint. All I can do is sit here and draw my reflection in the mirror. I have purposely exaggerated the drawings (from boredom of drawing the same thing over and over) I drew myself with horns and fangs,and, well if one were to look at them, they would really get the impression that I'm insane, or sick. Oddly, looking at the sketches I felt some sort of relief. They are, very imaginative, loose,and alive. Scary, grotesque, and perverse, that comes to mind also. Here lies my demons; place me in front of an easel,and I clam up. I become tight, sometimes scared to render the next line or value. The lack of confidence, and creativity are at times overwhelming. I can remember having a huge imagination, of course this goes back to childhood. What happened? Is it age? It is so easy to look back and point blame at ones childhood.Is that fair?
Schiele once wrote "Hindering the Artist, is murdering life". Was my life murdered? Of course not in the physical sense. More so psychological. Being told over and over that "drawing was a waste of time" (Of course there were times I should have been doing homework). Punishment, often resulted in my drawings being thrown in the garbage. Does this have an impact today? I suppose only if I allow it. But its a battle, constant, and painful.
I must however confess that this past year has been very enlightening. It is, for the first time in a very long time That I have pushed myself forward. I have gained a lot of confidence. I have also noticed that confidence in my art has also given me confidence in other areas of life. It is also true, that now I have support. Friends, relatives, and to some degree my mom, are all supportive of what I'm doing. They do, however, wish that I would do more than just nudes. But still support is there. And yes LJ has had a share in giving me confidence.
Hopefully this is a sign of beating the demons. Creativity and imagination are still obstacles, or mental blocks, I'm still trying to conquer. Will I ever win? I look at some of the great artist, most all had demons of some sort. They battled them their entire lives. I suppose its not a question as to whether or not I will be fighting this my entire life, but whether or not I have the strength to win. Its not a matter of where the fault lies, Its a matter of having to win, needing to win, and wanting to win. I WILL WIN.
I find myself surfing LJ, reading journal after journal. Yes, I know that sounds pathetic. At least however Im getting paid for it. I found a lot of commonality within many journals here. Many, seem to be fighting there own demons. I had to stop and think for a minute; "why am I here"? I suppose I do not need to ask a question I already have an answer to. Maybe it's denial.
Boredom has a way of making one think, sometimes to much. I'm aggravated, I feel confined, I'm unable to paint. All I can do is sit here and draw my reflection in the mirror. I have purposely exaggerated the drawings (from boredom of drawing the same thing over and over) I drew myself with horns and fangs,and, well if one were to look at them, they would really get the impression that I'm insane, or sick. Oddly, looking at the sketches I felt some sort of relief. They are, very imaginative, loose,and alive. Scary, grotesque, and perverse, that comes to mind also. Here lies my demons; place me in front of an easel,and I clam up. I become tight, sometimes scared to render the next line or value. The lack of confidence, and creativity are at times overwhelming. I can remember having a huge imagination, of course this goes back to childhood. What happened? Is it age? It is so easy to look back and point blame at ones childhood.Is that fair?
Schiele once wrote "Hindering the Artist, is murdering life". Was my life murdered? Of course not in the physical sense. More so psychological. Being told over and over that "drawing was a waste of time" (Of course there were times I should have been doing homework). Punishment, often resulted in my drawings being thrown in the garbage. Does this have an impact today? I suppose only if I allow it. But its a battle, constant, and painful.
I must however confess that this past year has been very enlightening. It is, for the first time in a very long time That I have pushed myself forward. I have gained a lot of confidence. I have also noticed that confidence in my art has also given me confidence in other areas of life. It is also true, that now I have support. Friends, relatives, and to some degree my mom, are all supportive of what I'm doing. They do, however, wish that I would do more than just nudes. But still support is there. And yes LJ has had a share in giving me confidence.
Hopefully this is a sign of beating the demons. Creativity and imagination are still obstacles, or mental blocks, I'm still trying to conquer. Will I ever win? I look at some of the great artist, most all had demons of some sort. They battled them their entire lives. I suppose its not a question as to whether or not I will be fighting this my entire life, but whether or not I have the strength to win. Its not a matter of where the fault lies, Its a matter of having to win, needing to win, and wanting to win. I WILL WIN.