my back is so far back it's on the other side of the wall
I'm not really a private person. I learned early and well to say what's on my mind because often what's on my mind is wrong and dangerous. I tell my close friends--and my psychiatrist--everything. And I do mean everything. When you have to sit in a room with a large man who looks like a bear and tell him that you're "teenage boy horny", you have no secrets left.
That's mostly all right. I mean, I like to talk, so talking is never a problem. Except when it is. Every once in a while I get the feeling that I've shared something that I should have kept to myself. I did that today. You see, I'm afraid of the shower. See? I'm doing it again. But whatever. My space, my voice, my rules. I'm afraid of the shower. Or rather the imaginary things that lurk in the shower.
It's not the whole time--and it doesn't keep me from showering. It's just that I have to talk myself into it, and I'd rather there be someone else in the apartment when I do it. Anyway, that's not the point. So, I'm afraid of that moment when I wash my face because I feel vulnerable. I can't see. It's a few minutes of sheer torture. But the point is, I'm not sure I should have told anyone. It's weird.
But is it? Dr. R treats my fear as a symptom of my disorder. Sometimes I'm afraid to get on the train even though I travel to Baltimore every week. I'm afraid of zombies and horror movies. I'm afraid to be alone. A lot. I'm afraid that one day I'll hallucinate or hear things that aren't there. I'm really just a bundle of nerves. Is that part of my disorder?
Some people--like Shang--aren't afraid of anything. Maybe that's why I'm so anxious that I shared my fear with her. She would say that that's a generalization, and that I should be careful. But if she's afraid of anything, I haven't discovered it yet. My four year-old niece is the same way. They're courageous.
But you know what? I still take showers. I screw my eyes shut and wash my face, and my heart beats like a drum the entire time. I took the garbage out tonight, in the dark, looking around the entire time for zombies and feral cats. I take the train. And that's the point. Doing things that you're afraid of just takes a different kind of courage. The point is not to have no fear, but to overcome it. And I am not a mouse. I'm a lion.
That's mostly all right. I mean, I like to talk, so talking is never a problem. Except when it is. Every once in a while I get the feeling that I've shared something that I should have kept to myself. I did that today. You see, I'm afraid of the shower. See? I'm doing it again. But whatever. My space, my voice, my rules. I'm afraid of the shower. Or rather the imaginary things that lurk in the shower.
It's not the whole time--and it doesn't keep me from showering. It's just that I have to talk myself into it, and I'd rather there be someone else in the apartment when I do it. Anyway, that's not the point. So, I'm afraid of that moment when I wash my face because I feel vulnerable. I can't see. It's a few minutes of sheer torture. But the point is, I'm not sure I should have told anyone. It's weird.
But is it? Dr. R treats my fear as a symptom of my disorder. Sometimes I'm afraid to get on the train even though I travel to Baltimore every week. I'm afraid of zombies and horror movies. I'm afraid to be alone. A lot. I'm afraid that one day I'll hallucinate or hear things that aren't there. I'm really just a bundle of nerves. Is that part of my disorder?
Some people--like Shang--aren't afraid of anything. Maybe that's why I'm so anxious that I shared my fear with her. She would say that that's a generalization, and that I should be careful. But if she's afraid of anything, I haven't discovered it yet. My four year-old niece is the same way. They're courageous.
But you know what? I still take showers. I screw my eyes shut and wash my face, and my heart beats like a drum the entire time. I took the garbage out tonight, in the dark, looking around the entire time for zombies and feral cats. I take the train. And that's the point. Doing things that you're afraid of just takes a different kind of courage. The point is not to have no fear, but to overcome it. And I am not a mouse. I'm a lion.