(no subject)
I can't handle this. It's not anxiety, it's not worry, it's not fear. It is pain, and it is squeezing my heart, and I don't know how to make it stop. It's hard to eat, it's hard to sleep, and I am very nearly chain smoking. I don't know what I'm supposed to do.
I mean, I know exactly what I'm supposed to do. Focus on my goals, keep busy. I am responsible for my own goals. I need to get up and do what I need to do. For me. I'll never become a real girl if I can't get out of bed.
But I don't want to get out of bed. I want to stay in there all week, pull the covers over my head, and sleep the week away. All I want to do is sleep, and is that so wrong? If I promise to work extra hard next week, can I lie down this week?
Apparently Robin Williams has died. Suicide. When I saw it, I wished that that was me. I wished that I had the guts to do it, but I don't. I can't follow through. Because always there is this little part of me that's afraid, and there's this other little part of me that struggles against it. What I really want is to be a different me. To lead a different life. To not know, to not remember this person who I am now, to leave her behind completely. I don't want to go to hell, but I want to be reborn. I can't live with me for very much longer.
I'm feeling sorry for myself. I know that suicide is not the answer. I know that I can be happier and more fulfilled if I just stopped being scared for once in my life. If I took that step I haven't wanted to take and lived.
I wish there was someone out there who loved me just a little. I wish that I wasn't always so alone. I could face anything then.
I mean, I know exactly what I'm supposed to do. Focus on my goals, keep busy. I am responsible for my own goals. I need to get up and do what I need to do. For me. I'll never become a real girl if I can't get out of bed.
But I don't want to get out of bed. I want to stay in there all week, pull the covers over my head, and sleep the week away. All I want to do is sleep, and is that so wrong? If I promise to work extra hard next week, can I lie down this week?
Apparently Robin Williams has died. Suicide. When I saw it, I wished that that was me. I wished that I had the guts to do it, but I don't. I can't follow through. Because always there is this little part of me that's afraid, and there's this other little part of me that struggles against it. What I really want is to be a different me. To lead a different life. To not know, to not remember this person who I am now, to leave her behind completely. I don't want to go to hell, but I want to be reborn. I can't live with me for very much longer.
I'm feeling sorry for myself. I know that suicide is not the answer. I know that I can be happier and more fulfilled if I just stopped being scared for once in my life. If I took that step I haven't wanted to take and lived.
I wish there was someone out there who loved me just a little. I wish that I wasn't always so alone. I could face anything then.