P.A.C.E
i have had this increasingly strong urge to write. i hear these stories about people for whom writing is a form of therapy, so i guess it won't hurt to give it a try!
from a macroperspective, my life is good. and for the most part i am happy with the way it's going. but from a microperspective, days are sometimes hard to get through. and i know why, because there's really only one little things that it comes down to.
i don't like myself, at all.
i am not happy with the way i look or with my intentions/actions. i am so self-centered, i can't even believe it myself sometimes. it's like i'm scared to put myself out there and help other people because... AND I DON'T KNOW WHY! i can't think of a big event in my past that would cause me to be this guarded, really. jessica and kris, two people who are close to me, think it has something to do with my mom. but i honestly don't agree, because she didn't really hurt me. or maybe she did and i just don't realize it.
i really honestly want to be less self involved, but i don't know how to go about it.
kris and i had a really long/deep conversation yesterday about the way i am, and why. we couldn't figure out why (surprise, surprise) but there are definitely some things i need to work on. the point i was trying to drive home for him was that it takes time. the only anologies i could come up with were about marathon training (the longer time you devote to training, the more likely you will complete the marathon and want to/be able to run another none), crash diets (they never work, because they're not a long term LIFESTYLE change), and i forget what else. he understood what i was saying, but his point was that he doesn't think i want to change... deep down. and i DO, i just don't know how. i need help from him, and from those around me. but i feel like sometimes i start to change, like i did with him, and i just relapse and fall into my old habits. like any normal person would i guess
i'm the type of person that unless i see an immediate change, i become discouraged and walk away. hence, one of another set of attributes i need to fix. ah! just so much to do, i don't know where to start.
and then there's the body image issue, oh God. who hasn't heard me ranting about this before. see? even I'M annoyed by my own self-consciousness. that says a lot.
when i look back to high school and when i was younger, i don't remember having problems this bad before. perhaps they were there, but only in very tiny amounts, and it took this long for them to really bloom. or perhaps college has changed me. that's definitely a plausible alternative, but again when i look back at the past 3 years, i don't think so.
well i guess the jist of it, aside from all this explanation/complaining/realization, is that
i need to change. for my sake, for the people that i care about's sake, for the sake of people i will come into contact with in the future's sake.
and i need everybody's help. if you catch me being negative, or putting someone down, or just being a fucking bitch- CALL ME ON IT. be nice at first, but if i persist, be mean and show me that i need to change.
why am i even writing about this in here? renee is like the only one who reads it anymore.
but anyways, yeah.
brad, my old co-worker, told me about P.A.C.E.
Positive Attitude Creates Effect
i am going to try to remember that during my day-to-day activities
wish me luck
from a macroperspective, my life is good. and for the most part i am happy with the way it's going. but from a microperspective, days are sometimes hard to get through. and i know why, because there's really only one little things that it comes down to.
i don't like myself, at all.
i am not happy with the way i look or with my intentions/actions. i am so self-centered, i can't even believe it myself sometimes. it's like i'm scared to put myself out there and help other people because... AND I DON'T KNOW WHY! i can't think of a big event in my past that would cause me to be this guarded, really. jessica and kris, two people who are close to me, think it has something to do with my mom. but i honestly don't agree, because she didn't really hurt me. or maybe she did and i just don't realize it.
i really honestly want to be less self involved, but i don't know how to go about it.
kris and i had a really long/deep conversation yesterday about the way i am, and why. we couldn't figure out why (surprise, surprise) but there are definitely some things i need to work on. the point i was trying to drive home for him was that it takes time. the only anologies i could come up with were about marathon training (the longer time you devote to training, the more likely you will complete the marathon and want to/be able to run another none), crash diets (they never work, because they're not a long term LIFESTYLE change), and i forget what else. he understood what i was saying, but his point was that he doesn't think i want to change... deep down. and i DO, i just don't know how. i need help from him, and from those around me. but i feel like sometimes i start to change, like i did with him, and i just relapse and fall into my old habits. like any normal person would i guess
i'm the type of person that unless i see an immediate change, i become discouraged and walk away. hence, one of another set of attributes i need to fix. ah! just so much to do, i don't know where to start.
and then there's the body image issue, oh God. who hasn't heard me ranting about this before. see? even I'M annoyed by my own self-consciousness. that says a lot.
when i look back to high school and when i was younger, i don't remember having problems this bad before. perhaps they were there, but only in very tiny amounts, and it took this long for them to really bloom. or perhaps college has changed me. that's definitely a plausible alternative, but again when i look back at the past 3 years, i don't think so.
well i guess the jist of it, aside from all this explanation/complaining/realization, is that
i need to change. for my sake, for the people that i care about's sake, for the sake of people i will come into contact with in the future's sake.
and i need everybody's help. if you catch me being negative, or putting someone down, or just being a fucking bitch- CALL ME ON IT. be nice at first, but if i persist, be mean and show me that i need to change.
why am i even writing about this in here? renee is like the only one who reads it anymore.
but anyways, yeah.
brad, my old co-worker, told me about P.A.C.E.
Positive Attitude Creates Effect
i am going to try to remember that during my day-to-day activities
wish me luck