A letter of love
Title: A letter of love
Pairing: RyoDa
Beta: pikame_love uhh thanks
Rating: PG 13
Genre: romance, angst
Disclaim: Characters are not mine. I own the story.
Note: Hope I got Ryo right, it's my first time writing him.
Summary: Ryo writes a letter of regret to Ueda after they broke up. He wants Ueda back but does Ueda want him, too?
Special thanks to the best band of the world, Die Ärzte, who inspired me with a song called "Nie gesagt" which means something like "I never said".
Ryo sat in front of his desk. He regretted what he had done. He really did. But now it was too late and Ueda was gone.
He had to lighten things up, that was the reason for him sitting in front of his desk. Slowly Ryo took a piece of paper and his pen.
He had to be honest to himself and to Ueda, just for one time in his life. Anger raised in him. He hated to seem weak especially in front of Ueda.
Ryo stood up and walked into the kitchen to get some whine. “Come on Ryo, don’t be so fucking proud.” He mumbled to himself.
“The question, which really matters, is: How much does Ueda mean to you?”
At first a stubborn voice in his head shouted: “Nothing!” but then it was overwhelmed by the voice of his heart, which was louder:
“Everything! He is everything and you know that!” Unfortunately it was right. Ryo sighed and returned to his desk.
Ueda was really everything to him; he only had to remember the sound of his voice, the way he used to sing under the shower or the smell of his body, when he came home after boxing, to know that he would never be able to live without him.
Ryo grabbed the pen again and started to write:
”Dear Tatsuya,
I really regret what I have done. Please forgive me.”
Then his pride came back and asked: “Do you want to seem that weak?” And so Ryo threw the letter into the rubbish bin.
After a long fight with his pride and a stubborn pen Ryo finally looked at his result and was satisfied.
The letter was lovely although he would never use the word lovely for something he had done. He started to read it out loud again:
“Dear Tatsuya,
maybe it is strange that I write a letter to you but I want you to understand my point of view.
The trouble started at the party of Yamapi. Maybe you don't even remember what happened there but for me it was very important
and it hurt much. We were both already a bit tipsy when we started to fight. I think the reason was nothing special, maybe a stupid
comment of me or a short flirt between you and another guy, I don't remember. The fight grew louder until everyone at the party was listening
to us. I was about to break up when you said I won't survive without you.
I think that was totally ridiculous since I never told you that I miss you.
I miss you.
In our last fight about three weeks ago I told you I am not interested in you any more but now I realize how hard my live is without you. You know, when I walk through the streets I see your face everywhere I go.
And the worst thing is I want to see it. When I’m walking down the shopping mall I imagine how it would be if you were here, when I hear your voice on the radio I turn the volume up, when I talk to other people I look for something in their face that is equal to yours, for example their mouth or just the way they sneeze.
Kind of pathetic, right?
And then in the evenings when I lay in my bed and there is no picture, no sound that could remind me of you I even try to imagine your face. Somewhere inside of me lives a little masochist I already noticed that.
Then I told you how pleasurable it is to see you suffer and that you certainly torture yourself. Of course it’s not, I hate the way you cry and to see you suffer.
Unfortunately you never started to cry in or after a fight otherwise I would have apologized immediately, we are both far too proud idiots. The one time I saw you cry in my life was unable to forget. I was so helpless and sad I never wanted to see you cry again and I swore I would do everything to avoid the reason for any tears.
I don’t know whether you have cried since we broke up. I have.
I said many things and I really regret them now but I never told you that I miss you.
I miss you.
I walk through my flat and you don’t greet me with a big hug in the morning. You’re not here but my thoughts are full with you, imagining what you are doing or thinking.
When you left my flat after our fight and said you would never come back I was still too angry and far too proud to tell you that you were right. Without you I am not able to live a normal life again.
The next thing I want to write might sound strange to you but I want to keep this letter in secret, between you and me. When you told the others at YamaPi’s that I wouldn’t survive without you it hurt very much although it’s true. I hate the feeling to be dependant and it’s even worse if others know. I’m really a proud idiot.
I want to keep this letter in secret to pretend that I never told you I miss you.
I miss you, Tatsuya, and I always will.
If you miss me too, please call me.
In Love
Ryo Nishikido”
Ryo was content with the letter but it still took a lot of courage to drive over to Ueda’s and to throw it into his postbox.
Back in his flat he sat down on his couch waiting for a message of Ueda. Patience was never one of his greatest abilities. The phone rang two times before it was Ueda and Ryo was very impolite to the first two, YamaPi and Subaru. Later he had to apologize for his rude behaviour.
“We need to talk, Ryo.” “Why?” Ryo asked stubbornly. “How did you think this is going to work?” Ueda replied “I would come around and hug you and everything will be okay again?” “Well...yes.” To be honest Ryo didn’t even thought about that part very much. Now it seemed totally naive to him. “Can you come around?” Ueda asked. “Sure.”
He hated Ueda for this. To talk meant to show emotions he normally hid emotions like guilt or sadness. Ueda knew he hated it and that was the worst.
Ryo growled as he turned left into the street where Ueda lived. How often did he turn into this street with an impatient smile on his lips or a bad mood because of an unnecessary fight?
But Ryo remembered that he never apologized for anything he said or did. Ueda tried to talk about things and sometimes even apologized but Ryo always tried to avoid those conversations. They made him feel bad and showed him everything he had done wrong in their relationship. Of course Ueda tried not to blame Ryo too much after every fight but often he implied Ryo’s guilt it.
It started to rain when Ryo got out of the car. Hesitating for a moment Ryo rang the doorbell. Ueda opened the door and asked Ryo to come in.
“Good evening, Tatsuya.” Ryo said carefully, scanning Ueda’s face. These eyes...although Ryo had known Ueda for years now, they still took his breath away and made his heart skip a beat. “Please sit down.” Ueda said to Ryo and walked into the kitchen to get something to drink. Ryo just sat down and watched him. He did not say a word until Ueda sat down, too, with the letter in his hand. Ryo cleared his throat and asked: “And? What do you think?” He felt so embarrassed he could hardly look into Ueda’s eyes. This letter was the silliest idea he ever had.
But Ueda didn’t answer he read the letter again and then he looked intensively into Ryo’s face as if he wanted to read his mind. “Fuck, Tatsuya, say something!” Ryo begged.
“It’s unbelievable that you weren’t able to say these things before we broke up.” Ueda said with a sad smile in his face. “So...is everything okay now?” Ryo asked carefully.
“Fuck no, Ryo! Nothing is okay.” Ueda replied angrily. “We had problems in our relationship before and this letter will not erase everything you have done to me!”
“And you are totally innocent, of course!” Ryo hissed.
“I’m definitely not but the difference between you and me is that I am able to apologize immediately. You have got the tendency to hide all your mistakes and to think that everything will be okay after a while.” Ueda said calmly. “I don’t want to fight with you again.” Ryo said nothing.
This was a typical Ryo and Ueda situation: Ueda wanted him to understand, to think about his actions and Ryo only wanted to get away. Why the hell did Ueda phone him? Until now Ueda didn’t say anything about his feelings and that was definitely a bad sign.
“Why am I here now?” He finally asked. “It doesn’t look like you want me back.” Ryo wasn’t able to hide the pain in his voice. “I think I’ll leave now.” He stood up and grabbed his coat when he suddenly felt Ueda’s lips on his own. “Tatsuya!” he gasped when he felt Ueda’s tongue licking over his bottom lip. Then he was pushed a little and he fell back on the couch. Ueda sat down on his lap and whispered: “Of course I want you back, you proud idiot.”
Ryo couldn’t talk. Ueda chuckled a little when he saw the surprise on Ryo’s face. “I think we should start new. In the last three weeks I noticed how much I need you and when I read this,” he leaned back and grabbed the letter again “then I think you need me, too.” He smiled and caressed Ryo’s cheekbone. Ryo started to shiver under his touch. “It must have been a lot of work to be that honest to me.” He kissed Ryo softly.
“But you have to promise something to me.” He looked deep in Ryo’s eyes and Ryo wasn’t able to move any more. He felt like a toy of Ueda but he didn’t care because he just listened to this gorgeous voice. “Promise to talk with me okay? Our relationship is never going to work when we both don’t try to understand each other and to listen.” Ryo wanted to protest but Ueda said “I talked with several persons about our problems and they all said we should communicate.” The anger rose in Ryo again. “You told them about my letter?” He said with a pressed voice. “Of course not, you fool. I will keep this letter in secret, forever. And when we fight again I will read it and try to understand what you aren’t able to tell with words.”
Ryo hesitated for a moment. He wasn’t sure if he could keep the promise. He wanted to, that was sure, but he didn’t know how he would act in a fight. And he would be very angry when Ueda reminded him in a fight about this promise.
Then Ryo shook his head. What was he thinking about? The last three weeks were the hardest in his life and he really thought about how Ueda could use this promise against him. He didn’t want to loose Ueda again. “I promise.” He said and gave Ueda one of his biggest smiles.
Then Ryo leaned forward to kiss Ueda. Their tongues entwined and Ueda grabbed Ryo’s hair and Ryo moaned in pain and desire. When he opened Ueda’s shirt and started to bite his lover’s skin gently, Ueda laid on finger on Ryo’s mouth and stopped him. Ryo looked impatiently into Ueda’s eyes. He could see how badly Ueda wanted him, too. Ueda leaned forward and nibbled his on his earlobe. Then he whispered: “I’ve missed you, too, Nishikido!” and the two lovers continued.
The end ~ <3
Thanks for reading, please comment ;)
Pairing: RyoDa
Beta: pikame_love uhh thanks
Rating: PG 13
Genre: romance, angst
Disclaim: Characters are not mine. I own the story.
Note: Hope I got Ryo right, it's my first time writing him.
Summary: Ryo writes a letter of regret to Ueda after they broke up. He wants Ueda back but does Ueda want him, too?
Special thanks to the best band of the world, Die Ärzte, who inspired me with a song called "Nie gesagt" which means something like "I never said".
Ryo sat in front of his desk. He regretted what he had done. He really did. But now it was too late and Ueda was gone.
He had to lighten things up, that was the reason for him sitting in front of his desk. Slowly Ryo took a piece of paper and his pen.
He had to be honest to himself and to Ueda, just for one time in his life. Anger raised in him. He hated to seem weak especially in front of Ueda.
Ryo stood up and walked into the kitchen to get some whine. “Come on Ryo, don’t be so fucking proud.” He mumbled to himself.
“The question, which really matters, is: How much does Ueda mean to you?”
At first a stubborn voice in his head shouted: “Nothing!” but then it was overwhelmed by the voice of his heart, which was louder:
“Everything! He is everything and you know that!” Unfortunately it was right. Ryo sighed and returned to his desk.
Ueda was really everything to him; he only had to remember the sound of his voice, the way he used to sing under the shower or the smell of his body, when he came home after boxing, to know that he would never be able to live without him.
Ryo grabbed the pen again and started to write:
”Dear Tatsuya,
I really regret what I have done. Please forgive me.”
Then his pride came back and asked: “Do you want to seem that weak?” And so Ryo threw the letter into the rubbish bin.
After a long fight with his pride and a stubborn pen Ryo finally looked at his result and was satisfied.
The letter was lovely although he would never use the word lovely for something he had done. He started to read it out loud again:
“Dear Tatsuya,
maybe it is strange that I write a letter to you but I want you to understand my point of view.
The trouble started at the party of Yamapi. Maybe you don't even remember what happened there but for me it was very important
and it hurt much. We were both already a bit tipsy when we started to fight. I think the reason was nothing special, maybe a stupid
comment of me or a short flirt between you and another guy, I don't remember. The fight grew louder until everyone at the party was listening
to us. I was about to break up when you said I won't survive without you.
I think that was totally ridiculous since I never told you that I miss you.
I miss you.
In our last fight about three weeks ago I told you I am not interested in you any more but now I realize how hard my live is without you. You know, when I walk through the streets I see your face everywhere I go.
And the worst thing is I want to see it. When I’m walking down the shopping mall I imagine how it would be if you were here, when I hear your voice on the radio I turn the volume up, when I talk to other people I look for something in their face that is equal to yours, for example their mouth or just the way they sneeze.
Kind of pathetic, right?
And then in the evenings when I lay in my bed and there is no picture, no sound that could remind me of you I even try to imagine your face. Somewhere inside of me lives a little masochist I already noticed that.
Then I told you how pleasurable it is to see you suffer and that you certainly torture yourself. Of course it’s not, I hate the way you cry and to see you suffer.
Unfortunately you never started to cry in or after a fight otherwise I would have apologized immediately, we are both far too proud idiots. The one time I saw you cry in my life was unable to forget. I was so helpless and sad I never wanted to see you cry again and I swore I would do everything to avoid the reason for any tears.
I don’t know whether you have cried since we broke up. I have.
I said many things and I really regret them now but I never told you that I miss you.
I miss you.
I walk through my flat and you don’t greet me with a big hug in the morning. You’re not here but my thoughts are full with you, imagining what you are doing or thinking.
When you left my flat after our fight and said you would never come back I was still too angry and far too proud to tell you that you were right. Without you I am not able to live a normal life again.
The next thing I want to write might sound strange to you but I want to keep this letter in secret, between you and me. When you told the others at YamaPi’s that I wouldn’t survive without you it hurt very much although it’s true. I hate the feeling to be dependant and it’s even worse if others know. I’m really a proud idiot.
I want to keep this letter in secret to pretend that I never told you I miss you.
I miss you, Tatsuya, and I always will.
If you miss me too, please call me.
In Love
Ryo Nishikido”
Ryo was content with the letter but it still took a lot of courage to drive over to Ueda’s and to throw it into his postbox.
Back in his flat he sat down on his couch waiting for a message of Ueda. Patience was never one of his greatest abilities. The phone rang two times before it was Ueda and Ryo was very impolite to the first two, YamaPi and Subaru. Later he had to apologize for his rude behaviour.
“We need to talk, Ryo.” “Why?” Ryo asked stubbornly. “How did you think this is going to work?” Ueda replied “I would come around and hug you and everything will be okay again?” “Well...yes.” To be honest Ryo didn’t even thought about that part very much. Now it seemed totally naive to him. “Can you come around?” Ueda asked. “Sure.”
He hated Ueda for this. To talk meant to show emotions he normally hid emotions like guilt or sadness. Ueda knew he hated it and that was the worst.
Ryo growled as he turned left into the street where Ueda lived. How often did he turn into this street with an impatient smile on his lips or a bad mood because of an unnecessary fight?
But Ryo remembered that he never apologized for anything he said or did. Ueda tried to talk about things and sometimes even apologized but Ryo always tried to avoid those conversations. They made him feel bad and showed him everything he had done wrong in their relationship. Of course Ueda tried not to blame Ryo too much after every fight but often he implied Ryo’s guilt it.
It started to rain when Ryo got out of the car. Hesitating for a moment Ryo rang the doorbell. Ueda opened the door and asked Ryo to come in.
“Good evening, Tatsuya.” Ryo said carefully, scanning Ueda’s face. These eyes...although Ryo had known Ueda for years now, they still took his breath away and made his heart skip a beat. “Please sit down.” Ueda said to Ryo and walked into the kitchen to get something to drink. Ryo just sat down and watched him. He did not say a word until Ueda sat down, too, with the letter in his hand. Ryo cleared his throat and asked: “And? What do you think?” He felt so embarrassed he could hardly look into Ueda’s eyes. This letter was the silliest idea he ever had.
But Ueda didn’t answer he read the letter again and then he looked intensively into Ryo’s face as if he wanted to read his mind. “Fuck, Tatsuya, say something!” Ryo begged.
“It’s unbelievable that you weren’t able to say these things before we broke up.” Ueda said with a sad smile in his face. “So...is everything okay now?” Ryo asked carefully.
“Fuck no, Ryo! Nothing is okay.” Ueda replied angrily. “We had problems in our relationship before and this letter will not erase everything you have done to me!”
“And you are totally innocent, of course!” Ryo hissed.
“I’m definitely not but the difference between you and me is that I am able to apologize immediately. You have got the tendency to hide all your mistakes and to think that everything will be okay after a while.” Ueda said calmly. “I don’t want to fight with you again.” Ryo said nothing.
This was a typical Ryo and Ueda situation: Ueda wanted him to understand, to think about his actions and Ryo only wanted to get away. Why the hell did Ueda phone him? Until now Ueda didn’t say anything about his feelings and that was definitely a bad sign.
“Why am I here now?” He finally asked. “It doesn’t look like you want me back.” Ryo wasn’t able to hide the pain in his voice. “I think I’ll leave now.” He stood up and grabbed his coat when he suddenly felt Ueda’s lips on his own. “Tatsuya!” he gasped when he felt Ueda’s tongue licking over his bottom lip. Then he was pushed a little and he fell back on the couch. Ueda sat down on his lap and whispered: “Of course I want you back, you proud idiot.”
Ryo couldn’t talk. Ueda chuckled a little when he saw the surprise on Ryo’s face. “I think we should start new. In the last three weeks I noticed how much I need you and when I read this,” he leaned back and grabbed the letter again “then I think you need me, too.” He smiled and caressed Ryo’s cheekbone. Ryo started to shiver under his touch. “It must have been a lot of work to be that honest to me.” He kissed Ryo softly.
“But you have to promise something to me.” He looked deep in Ryo’s eyes and Ryo wasn’t able to move any more. He felt like a toy of Ueda but he didn’t care because he just listened to this gorgeous voice. “Promise to talk with me okay? Our relationship is never going to work when we both don’t try to understand each other and to listen.” Ryo wanted to protest but Ueda said “I talked with several persons about our problems and they all said we should communicate.” The anger rose in Ryo again. “You told them about my letter?” He said with a pressed voice. “Of course not, you fool. I will keep this letter in secret, forever. And when we fight again I will read it and try to understand what you aren’t able to tell with words.”
Ryo hesitated for a moment. He wasn’t sure if he could keep the promise. He wanted to, that was sure, but he didn’t know how he would act in a fight. And he would be very angry when Ueda reminded him in a fight about this promise.
Then Ryo shook his head. What was he thinking about? The last three weeks were the hardest in his life and he really thought about how Ueda could use this promise against him. He didn’t want to loose Ueda again. “I promise.” He said and gave Ueda one of his biggest smiles.
Then Ryo leaned forward to kiss Ueda. Their tongues entwined and Ueda grabbed Ryo’s hair and Ryo moaned in pain and desire. When he opened Ueda’s shirt and started to bite his lover’s skin gently, Ueda laid on finger on Ryo’s mouth and stopped him. Ryo looked impatiently into Ueda’s eyes. He could see how badly Ueda wanted him, too. Ueda leaned forward and nibbled his on his earlobe. Then he whispered: “I’ve missed you, too, Nishikido!” and the two lovers continued.
The end ~ <3
Thanks for reading, please comment ;)