so i decided to tell him
yes yes i know that i've been saying that i will tell him for a long time. and i haven't. so tomorrow i'm showing him my LJ. he wanted me to add his LJ buddy name to my list but i want to be here when he reads it. he said, nothing is going to change, what would change our friendship (or something like that). but he did see some of my journal, the entries that i didn't make friend's only, and it makes me wonder how he could not know.
a part of me... will be glad to have it over with. because i'm tired of hiding. but i foresee the worst in everything and i don't want to lose what we have. that's cuz i'm a crazy psycho whore but maybe it will make him understand why i act the way i do sometimes.
but i'm scared shitless. beyond shitless. no one can understand what he means to me. i don't think even he knows what he means to me. and if he can't understand what i tell him or show him, if he goes away or treats me different or whatever... i guess that's something i'll have to learn to deal with. but man, it'll be like dying slowly inside. frank told me it shouldn't matter what i tell him. you'd think i'd know my best friend better than that, i would know that he is not shallow and wouldn't care or whatever either way. and i know he's not. but that stupid conscious and stuff has me going. and maybe i'm stupid. no, i am definitely stupid. (casey is my best friend, and frank is my lil brother).
but these are things i don't want to lose: i don't want to lose going out spending the night out on the town with him, watching movies, going to movies, going to parties, hanging out, making kandee, crying together when i left, the sight and smell of him, just talking random bullshit with him talking about what's new, the future the past. i have so many memories and i'm so glad ethan isn't here right now cuz i'm crying just typing this. he doesn't judge me for all the stupid things i've done and all the stupid things i do with him, it's a big adventure and there's no boundaries. and i try not to judge him, but i've already sentenced and convicted him in this matter and that's the worst thing of all i could do, since he doesn't even know.
this is a special note since i'm having him read this. you, the reader, can move on, or read it.
casey: just typing this makes me know how stupid i really am, and that nothing will change, because it's just one small thing that doesn't mean anything, that it's something i've known about for... months, and it didn't affect anything then and it shouldn't affect anything now cuz well, we are still friends no matter what. the only thing that changes is that you'll know. and now that i've been thinking about it i guess it really isn't that big of a deal. it's just that, i wanted more, i guess. but i really don't want more, how could i even consider that? but now (or soon) you are going to know the root of my craziness and hopefully you don't care and you just give me a big hug, say you don't care, and we'll go on like nothing was ever said. we've shared so much... and when i said you were like my twin, you are, you match me in so many ways, put up with me, hang out with me, just an overall awesome person. and no one has been this way to me in well, forever. and if you were online right now, i'd tell you right now, but i'm probably going to be asleep and i'm just going to im you and tell you when you get back to read this. i love you sweetie, and i can't imagine not being with you. there's so much more i could say, but it's probably all been said, and then it just gets sappy and that's not the point to this, and blahblablah. but anyways. just the first and most important thing i want from you, as soon as you step out of your car here at my complex, is a big huge hug. i miss you.
a part of me... will be glad to have it over with. because i'm tired of hiding. but i foresee the worst in everything and i don't want to lose what we have. that's cuz i'm a crazy psycho whore but maybe it will make him understand why i act the way i do sometimes.
but i'm scared shitless. beyond shitless. no one can understand what he means to me. i don't think even he knows what he means to me. and if he can't understand what i tell him or show him, if he goes away or treats me different or whatever... i guess that's something i'll have to learn to deal with. but man, it'll be like dying slowly inside. frank told me it shouldn't matter what i tell him. you'd think i'd know my best friend better than that, i would know that he is not shallow and wouldn't care or whatever either way. and i know he's not. but that stupid conscious and stuff has me going. and maybe i'm stupid. no, i am definitely stupid. (casey is my best friend, and frank is my lil brother).
but these are things i don't want to lose: i don't want to lose going out spending the night out on the town with him, watching movies, going to movies, going to parties, hanging out, making kandee, crying together when i left, the sight and smell of him, just talking random bullshit with him talking about what's new, the future the past. i have so many memories and i'm so glad ethan isn't here right now cuz i'm crying just typing this. he doesn't judge me for all the stupid things i've done and all the stupid things i do with him, it's a big adventure and there's no boundaries. and i try not to judge him, but i've already sentenced and convicted him in this matter and that's the worst thing of all i could do, since he doesn't even know.
this is a special note since i'm having him read this. you, the reader, can move on, or read it.
casey: just typing this makes me know how stupid i really am, and that nothing will change, because it's just one small thing that doesn't mean anything, that it's something i've known about for... months, and it didn't affect anything then and it shouldn't affect anything now cuz well, we are still friends no matter what. the only thing that changes is that you'll know. and now that i've been thinking about it i guess it really isn't that big of a deal. it's just that, i wanted more, i guess. but i really don't want more, how could i even consider that? but now (or soon) you are going to know the root of my craziness and hopefully you don't care and you just give me a big hug, say you don't care, and we'll go on like nothing was ever said. we've shared so much... and when i said you were like my twin, you are, you match me in so many ways, put up with me, hang out with me, just an overall awesome person. and no one has been this way to me in well, forever. and if you were online right now, i'd tell you right now, but i'm probably going to be asleep and i'm just going to im you and tell you when you get back to read this. i love you sweetie, and i can't imagine not being with you. there's so much more i could say, but it's probably all been said, and then it just gets sappy and that's not the point to this, and blahblablah. but anyways. just the first and most important thing i want from you, as soon as you step out of your car here at my complex, is a big huge hug. i miss you.