How much can be said through eyes of misery?
-Its been a long time since I've posted, but I've had good reason, as you all know. The past 7 months have been hell on my emotions, and mental strength. My mind feels like a dam bulging from water pushing against it, the logs slowly losing strength against the neverending current. At any moment, I feel it could just snap and what I'm holding back will flood into the world leaving nothing but destruction and displeasure in its wake.
Why am I so unhappy? Its all because of one woman...Marla Singer...err..Ashley.* I know what we had was an amazing thing where nothing went wrong. But how can you just let go of someone who has been in your life so long and so deeply? No matter how much she may piss me off, I know deep down inside I can never truly hate her (my hate reserved for only one man, and Hell holds more mercy for him than I do) and that I will always love her. Before typing this, I went back through my journal to see how much (little?) I've updated since all this shit has happened. I came across the entry where I announced that we got engaged (http://gizmo45.livejournal.com/2005/11/24/) and just lost control. Hell, that last sentence took me 10 minutes to write cause I started crying..again.
What exactly constitutes the fine line between hope and despair..Hope, according to Webster.com, is "to cherish a desire with anticipation" while despair is "to lose all hope or confidence." (Also, if you think I'm going to properly cite that source, you can kiss my ass and buy me a drink.) I know I'm holding onto the hope that one day we may actually get back together, but at the same time, I know its almost useless. Then as soon as the "useless" thought finishes, a big "..but what if this happens" runs in to take its place. I know its just me being ignorant and trying to hold onto her, but I can't get over this feeling that if I get rid of her, I'm killing a part of myself and my past.
Which brings me to my next point. Our lease is up at the end of July, meaning I get the exclusive luxury of moving back home to my parent's house until Lemar and I can find/afford a place of our own. I just have this feeling that when we move out, after living by each other's side for the past two years, I will never get to see her again. I can't live without her in my life...
Why is this so hard...
*("Fight Club" reference, for those that don't get it..)
Why am I so unhappy? Its all because of one woman...Marla Singer...err..Ashley.* I know what we had was an amazing thing where nothing went wrong. But how can you just let go of someone who has been in your life so long and so deeply? No matter how much she may piss me off, I know deep down inside I can never truly hate her (my hate reserved for only one man, and Hell holds more mercy for him than I do) and that I will always love her. Before typing this, I went back through my journal to see how much (little?) I've updated since all this shit has happened. I came across the entry where I announced that we got engaged (http://gizmo45.livejournal.com/2005/11/24/) and just lost control. Hell, that last sentence took me 10 minutes to write cause I started crying..again.
What exactly constitutes the fine line between hope and despair..Hope, according to Webster.com, is "to cherish a desire with anticipation" while despair is "to lose all hope or confidence." (Also, if you think I'm going to properly cite that source, you can kiss my ass and buy me a drink.) I know I'm holding onto the hope that one day we may actually get back together, but at the same time, I know its almost useless. Then as soon as the "useless" thought finishes, a big "..but what if this happens" runs in to take its place. I know its just me being ignorant and trying to hold onto her, but I can't get over this feeling that if I get rid of her, I'm killing a part of myself and my past.
Which brings me to my next point. Our lease is up at the end of July, meaning I get the exclusive luxury of moving back home to my parent's house until Lemar and I can find/afford a place of our own. I just have this feeling that when we move out, after living by each other's side for the past two years, I will never get to see her again. I can't live without her in my life...
Why is this so hard...
*("Fight Club" reference, for those that don't get it..)