How to Build a Life - Part 2 of 2
While my previous post may have seemed very...depressing...I assure you that this one will not be that way at all. Let me start by stating something that I should have in the midst of the previous half of this entry: The reason that I held off for just about two weeks before saying anything about what happened is because I was in a very bad place that I was working myself out of. I would have made an entry that was nothing more than a vain attempt at writing something that made sense...but mostly, it would have been my standard rambling, but with a string of curse words permeating every sentence. It was that bad.
What I'm about to post is very much the truth, but it's also a very interesting viewpoint into what life has been like over the last, oh, year and a half or so. The story starts back in May-ish of last year (turns out it was the last week in April, that would be 2010). Band. Iowa. Western. I met this crazy girl who showed up. I had our lead flute's folder with all of the music in it...and this crazy girl kept asking for copies of the parts. After about the third or fourth time of asking for parts, I remember telling her... "You are gonna be the death of me."
Little did I know, she was going to do quite the opposite, and put the life back into my heart.
If you need a bag of popcorn, go pop it now. I'll wait.
...
...
Ready? Good.
I always feel very weird trying to get into contact with people outside of the circumstances that I first meet them. But since this one girl did capture my attention after I thought no girl would, I figured I would step outside of my "comfort zone". So, I did. I dorkily had to figure out how to use Facebook correctly...and I looked for her. Here's exactly what I sent to her as a message...as I was shaking like crazy:
First off, I'm hoping that this is the right Katie who played in the Iowa Western Community Band last week. If not, feel free to ignore/delete this.
If it is you, still ignore/delete this! Ha! I'm never certain how to start messages, but this is James, who was shuffling through Phylis' folder last week to hand out lots of music! We missed having four players this week. Just wanted to say hi (blame Phylis as I was asking who she thought might be there last night and I wasn't certain if your name was Katie or Kati or Katy or one of the other innumerable ways to spell it, and then she spouted out your last name as well).
So, hi!
What does that say to you? I tracked her down after a week of wondering whether I was stepping out too far from my normal routine by doing that. I finally gave in, because there was something nagging me. Why, after having broken up from a horrible relationship in January (2010), and telling myself that I was done with matters of the heart, because they were screwing me up....Why was I finding myself drawn to this girl after one band rehearsal?
Well...only time would answer that. About three weeks later, to be exact. I went a little overboard at first, constantly sending her messages under the veil of asking for information related to concerts or for parts. Then...I tried this approach...to see if I could at least talk about something else and not rattle on like an idiot...or a boy in high school talking to a crush...
In an effort to sound cooler than I actually am, which in a way actually detracts from a coolness factor, I'm trying to strike up conversations that don't involve something musical.
I R TOTAL DORK!
But, where so many other people wouldn't have given me the time of day, she did. Which made me wonder even more what was going on. She wasn't turning me away the moment she found out how much of a dork I was. I was getting really confused on an emotional level. Here was this (cute) girl who was talking to (non-cute) me. For dorks, that's enough to send yourself over the edge and have a full-on crush going. But, after three failed relationships, one of which was destined to screw up the rest of my life (don't take that the wrong way...my son is a good thing...my ex-wife is not)...after all that went on...was I really wanting to go after another girl?
I tried to talk myself out of it. Nah, there's no way she'd ever want to end up with me. I tried telling myself all the usual hateful and spiteful things I was used to telling myself when something went wrong. Anything to make me believe this wasn't worth it. That nothing good could ever come from this. And you know what? The one thing that I kept trying to tell myself was going to be the one lesson that I learned by the end of this. But it was not going to be the way I expected to learn it...
I...to be honest...sorta looked over her page before messaging her. Just to see what sort of person she was. I felt horrible about doing it, because in some way I still feel like I'm invading people's privacy by doing that. Yeah, I know, that's a dumb thought to have because if they didn't want people to look at it then they wouldn't have put it there in the first place. But I honestly felt a bit like a stalker. Thankfully, she didn't seem to mind me looking at it. We found out we both have a lot in common as far as creativity goes at that point...because of FAN-FICTION.
Of course, she's a lot more successful than I am in that regards...because she's actually completed stuff. And...like the obsessed little man with a crush...I read them all. In order. She must have thought I was crazy. Wait...she still does...Strike that, reverse it.
Honestly, I'm going through all the messages and re-reading all the funny things I used to say to her.
Except whacking my kneecap on the desk. I have facebook send me a text message when I get a message, and I had my eyes closed just enjoying the lovely breeze today, and my phone went off and I jolted forward. 100 points! I'd win Gold if body part damage was an Olympic event.
On the 23rd of May, 2010...I tried, horribly mind you, to sneak in that I thought she was cute. Then I went "smooth James"...and tried to stumble my way back out of the comment. Please note that I never delete anything. Even right now. I'm not deleting this. Or this. Or what I'm about to type after what I'm not deleting now. Delete delete delete.
....
so anyways...
I remember not sending that particular message at first, acting out that rather questionable motion of hovering over the send button. What the hell was I doing here? Was I really gonna tell this girl that I thought she was cute? Was I really gonna tell her the truth? Oh crap, is it the truth? Oh my lord, it is the truth. I do think she's cute. Oh jeez. James, you can't do this. Three strikes is enough, isn't it?
No...it isn't. Not when you just know. And this was so different. One girl managed to change my entire viewpoint on where I stood emotionally. But I told myself...I can't rush this. I can't just act like a complete and total fool around her. Don't give it away...she doesn't need to realize you've got a crush (she...unknown to me...could tell...I can't keep it a secret...can I?) :D So, I told myself that if I was really going to make myself attempt this...she was going to have to be worth it, and I needed to convince myself of that.
Ice Cream, Popcorn, and Two Seasons of Whose Line, anyone? :D
We both have a rather...WRONG sense of humor. I didn't know whether to put that in bold, italics, some form of cryptic meaning or whatever, so sorry if it comes out looking wrong. The word WRONG looking wrong. Smooth, James...but...I don't know. Out of all three prior relationships...there was always something that felt wrong. I always looked away. Not one of those "gotta find my way out" type of deals. I just felt holes in the relationships, and I would turn to something related to music in order to keep myself stabilized in the relationship. Yet, here I was, feeling like I could be myself without any problem in front of this girl. And she was actually enjoying who I was as a person. I actually slept good after that first night of Whose Line. The ice cream helped. :D
So...after quite a few nights...I tried to push things a bit farther, and she seemed willing to at least entertain the discussion, if not the thought. And...well, that led to the "one day relationship" attempt we had last year. But don't worry, because this story does have a happy ending...
If you need another bag of popcorn, go pop it now. I'll wait...
...
...
Back? Good. Let's continue.
She had said she would never get into a relationship. That she would never do something like that with anyone. But...she did with me. Even for one day. That's HER stepping out of her comfort zone because I stepped out of mine. I felt horrible when she started to blame herself for acting in a way she thought she could handle at that time but honestly wasn't ready for. But she still stepped out of that zone...and that takes a lot of courage and faith to do so. Something helped pull her out...but she kept telling me there was nothing to wait for.
And I knew she was wrong. I wanted her to think about it...figure out what happened and why she stepped out of her comfort zone. But she just wanted me to leave her be...fully believing that I was going to walk away from her and be like "EWW HELL NO" if she ever wanted to watch Whose Line again. She didn't know me very well, it seems. :)
But I wanted to put her happiness over mine. She didn't want me to wait...so I tried to lie to myself. I tried to act the way she wanted me to act to make her happy. And how do you show that you got over someone? By moving on to someone else. And I tried to look elsewhere for that sort of feeling that I was starting to have in my heart again...and I mean everywhere. But my heart wasn't having it. I have a lot of friends that are girls, and I tried to talk to them like I could talk to her. My heart didn't feel right. Around Christmas, I realized it. The one thing that I was looking for was the thing that I was looking away from. Her. Her heart. And here I was, acting like an idiot. Every one of those three relationships that failed, I had been looking away from my significant other to find something that would fill the hole in my heart. And here I was looking towards this girl. That was it. That was the key. Why didn't I realize it until then? I have no clue to this day.
I resolved that day that I was NOT going to go anywhere. We were going to have a friendship, and perhaps, over time...it would blossom on its own. I still tried to lie to myself though...tried to tell myself I was over her so I didn't have to fear her being the one to run away screaming "ewww HELL no". But here I was...moving from a small crush to a big one...and from that to full on love. And you know what? This isn't just love, people. This is something so much deeper. Look at all the things people talk about when they say the word love. If you go "I wish I had that", you've never experienced it! I look at this girl and go, "I wish I had then what I have now".
In the end, I wasn't ready a year ago. Neither was she. She wasn't ready to accept she could do this, and that someone could love her in the way I do. (That of course, is my viewpoint on it, and she would probably have other reasons for why she didn't believe this could happen.) I wasn't ready to accept that I was hiding behind the fact that because I had failed three times in the past to find someone who really loved me, I was running right past the one person who had the capability to do just that, even though she may not have known it at first. I wasn't ready to accept that this was worth it. I told myself I was trying to convince myself that this was worth it, when everything I did was really trying to convince myself that it wasn't. I wasn't trying to talk myself into it...I was trying to talk myself out of it. Why? Because I knew damn well deep inside my heart that this was worth it. She was worth waiting for until the final moment of time elapsed. She still is.
But I didn't realize that at first because I wasn't ready. But I was ready two months ago, and so was she. And look where we're at now. Writing really long posts to journals to tell the world what it's like. At least, in a way, that's what we are doing.
As far as two months ago...well...that's a different story. It starts with a happy ending...and it just goes on from there. She'd agree with me. So...I'll save that for another time. This post is about building a better life. Not living it. :D
I probably could have put more into this...but this is what I felt I needed to say.
What I'm about to post is very much the truth, but it's also a very interesting viewpoint into what life has been like over the last, oh, year and a half or so. The story starts back in May-ish of last year (turns out it was the last week in April, that would be 2010). Band. Iowa. Western. I met this crazy girl who showed up. I had our lead flute's folder with all of the music in it...and this crazy girl kept asking for copies of the parts. After about the third or fourth time of asking for parts, I remember telling her... "You are gonna be the death of me."
Little did I know, she was going to do quite the opposite, and put the life back into my heart.
If you need a bag of popcorn, go pop it now. I'll wait.
...
...
Ready? Good.
I always feel very weird trying to get into contact with people outside of the circumstances that I first meet them. But since this one girl did capture my attention after I thought no girl would, I figured I would step outside of my "comfort zone". So, I did. I dorkily had to figure out how to use Facebook correctly...and I looked for her. Here's exactly what I sent to her as a message...as I was shaking like crazy:
First off, I'm hoping that this is the right Katie who played in the Iowa Western Community Band last week. If not, feel free to ignore/delete this.
If it is you, still ignore/delete this! Ha! I'm never certain how to start messages, but this is James, who was shuffling through Phylis' folder last week to hand out lots of music! We missed having four players this week. Just wanted to say hi (blame Phylis as I was asking who she thought might be there last night and I wasn't certain if your name was Katie or Kati or Katy or one of the other innumerable ways to spell it, and then she spouted out your last name as well).
So, hi!
What does that say to you? I tracked her down after a week of wondering whether I was stepping out too far from my normal routine by doing that. I finally gave in, because there was something nagging me. Why, after having broken up from a horrible relationship in January (2010), and telling myself that I was done with matters of the heart, because they were screwing me up....Why was I finding myself drawn to this girl after one band rehearsal?
Well...only time would answer that. About three weeks later, to be exact. I went a little overboard at first, constantly sending her messages under the veil of asking for information related to concerts or for parts. Then...I tried this approach...to see if I could at least talk about something else and not rattle on like an idiot...or a boy in high school talking to a crush...
In an effort to sound cooler than I actually am, which in a way actually detracts from a coolness factor, I'm trying to strike up conversations that don't involve something musical.
I R TOTAL DORK!
But, where so many other people wouldn't have given me the time of day, she did. Which made me wonder even more what was going on. She wasn't turning me away the moment she found out how much of a dork I was. I was getting really confused on an emotional level. Here was this (cute) girl who was talking to (non-cute) me. For dorks, that's enough to send yourself over the edge and have a full-on crush going. But, after three failed relationships, one of which was destined to screw up the rest of my life (don't take that the wrong way...my son is a good thing...my ex-wife is not)...after all that went on...was I really wanting to go after another girl?
I tried to talk myself out of it. Nah, there's no way she'd ever want to end up with me. I tried telling myself all the usual hateful and spiteful things I was used to telling myself when something went wrong. Anything to make me believe this wasn't worth it. That nothing good could ever come from this. And you know what? The one thing that I kept trying to tell myself was going to be the one lesson that I learned by the end of this. But it was not going to be the way I expected to learn it...
I...to be honest...sorta looked over her page before messaging her. Just to see what sort of person she was. I felt horrible about doing it, because in some way I still feel like I'm invading people's privacy by doing that. Yeah, I know, that's a dumb thought to have because if they didn't want people to look at it then they wouldn't have put it there in the first place. But I honestly felt a bit like a stalker. Thankfully, she didn't seem to mind me looking at it. We found out we both have a lot in common as far as creativity goes at that point...because of FAN-FICTION.
Of course, she's a lot more successful than I am in that regards...because she's actually completed stuff. And...like the obsessed little man with a crush...I read them all. In order. She must have thought I was crazy. Wait...she still does...Strike that, reverse it.
Honestly, I'm going through all the messages and re-reading all the funny things I used to say to her.
Except whacking my kneecap on the desk. I have facebook send me a text message when I get a message, and I had my eyes closed just enjoying the lovely breeze today, and my phone went off and I jolted forward. 100 points! I'd win Gold if body part damage was an Olympic event.
On the 23rd of May, 2010...I tried, horribly mind you, to sneak in that I thought she was cute. Then I went "smooth James"...and tried to stumble my way back out of the comment. Please note that I never delete anything. Even right now. I'm not deleting this. Or this. Or what I'm about to type after what I'm not deleting now. Delete delete delete.
....
so anyways...
I remember not sending that particular message at first, acting out that rather questionable motion of hovering over the send button. What the hell was I doing here? Was I really gonna tell this girl that I thought she was cute? Was I really gonna tell her the truth? Oh crap, is it the truth? Oh my lord, it is the truth. I do think she's cute. Oh jeez. James, you can't do this. Three strikes is enough, isn't it?
No...it isn't. Not when you just know. And this was so different. One girl managed to change my entire viewpoint on where I stood emotionally. But I told myself...I can't rush this. I can't just act like a complete and total fool around her. Don't give it away...she doesn't need to realize you've got a crush (she...unknown to me...could tell...I can't keep it a secret...can I?) :D So, I told myself that if I was really going to make myself attempt this...she was going to have to be worth it, and I needed to convince myself of that.
Ice Cream, Popcorn, and Two Seasons of Whose Line, anyone? :D
We both have a rather...WRONG sense of humor. I didn't know whether to put that in bold, italics, some form of cryptic meaning or whatever, so sorry if it comes out looking wrong. The word WRONG looking wrong. Smooth, James...but...I don't know. Out of all three prior relationships...there was always something that felt wrong. I always looked away. Not one of those "gotta find my way out" type of deals. I just felt holes in the relationships, and I would turn to something related to music in order to keep myself stabilized in the relationship. Yet, here I was, feeling like I could be myself without any problem in front of this girl. And she was actually enjoying who I was as a person. I actually slept good after that first night of Whose Line. The ice cream helped. :D
So...after quite a few nights...I tried to push things a bit farther, and she seemed willing to at least entertain the discussion, if not the thought. And...well, that led to the "one day relationship" attempt we had last year. But don't worry, because this story does have a happy ending...
If you need another bag of popcorn, go pop it now. I'll wait...
...
...
Back? Good. Let's continue.
She had said she would never get into a relationship. That she would never do something like that with anyone. But...she did with me. Even for one day. That's HER stepping out of her comfort zone because I stepped out of mine. I felt horrible when she started to blame herself for acting in a way she thought she could handle at that time but honestly wasn't ready for. But she still stepped out of that zone...and that takes a lot of courage and faith to do so. Something helped pull her out...but she kept telling me there was nothing to wait for.
And I knew she was wrong. I wanted her to think about it...figure out what happened and why she stepped out of her comfort zone. But she just wanted me to leave her be...fully believing that I was going to walk away from her and be like "EWW HELL NO" if she ever wanted to watch Whose Line again. She didn't know me very well, it seems. :)
But I wanted to put her happiness over mine. She didn't want me to wait...so I tried to lie to myself. I tried to act the way she wanted me to act to make her happy. And how do you show that you got over someone? By moving on to someone else. And I tried to look elsewhere for that sort of feeling that I was starting to have in my heart again...and I mean everywhere. But my heart wasn't having it. I have a lot of friends that are girls, and I tried to talk to them like I could talk to her. My heart didn't feel right. Around Christmas, I realized it. The one thing that I was looking for was the thing that I was looking away from. Her. Her heart. And here I was, acting like an idiot. Every one of those three relationships that failed, I had been looking away from my significant other to find something that would fill the hole in my heart. And here I was looking towards this girl. That was it. That was the key. Why didn't I realize it until then? I have no clue to this day.
I resolved that day that I was NOT going to go anywhere. We were going to have a friendship, and perhaps, over time...it would blossom on its own. I still tried to lie to myself though...tried to tell myself I was over her so I didn't have to fear her being the one to run away screaming "ewww HELL no". But here I was...moving from a small crush to a big one...and from that to full on love. And you know what? This isn't just love, people. This is something so much deeper. Look at all the things people talk about when they say the word love. If you go "I wish I had that", you've never experienced it! I look at this girl and go, "I wish I had then what I have now".
In the end, I wasn't ready a year ago. Neither was she. She wasn't ready to accept she could do this, and that someone could love her in the way I do. (That of course, is my viewpoint on it, and she would probably have other reasons for why she didn't believe this could happen.) I wasn't ready to accept that I was hiding behind the fact that because I had failed three times in the past to find someone who really loved me, I was running right past the one person who had the capability to do just that, even though she may not have known it at first. I wasn't ready to accept that this was worth it. I told myself I was trying to convince myself that this was worth it, when everything I did was really trying to convince myself that it wasn't. I wasn't trying to talk myself into it...I was trying to talk myself out of it. Why? Because I knew damn well deep inside my heart that this was worth it. She was worth waiting for until the final moment of time elapsed. She still is.
But I didn't realize that at first because I wasn't ready. But I was ready two months ago, and so was she. And look where we're at now. Writing really long posts to journals to tell the world what it's like. At least, in a way, that's what we are doing.
As far as two months ago...well...that's a different story. It starts with a happy ending...and it just goes on from there. She'd agree with me. So...I'll save that for another time. This post is about building a better life. Not living it. :D
I probably could have put more into this...but this is what I felt I needed to say.