(no subject)
so, as of about two hours ago i am offically one of the millions of americans taking anti-depressents. zoloft to be specific. the mildest. i really hope it calms this brain of mine. i still am not so sure how to fee labout all this. but the docter visit went well. the nurse was a beautiful girl. so nice too....i felt alittle embarresed talking to her about my symptoms but she was so nice and understanding and professinal it didnt matter much. she took my blood pressure and was liike....are you nervous right now? and i was like, yeah alittle...and she smiled and said nothingto worry about dear....haha it was nice....i've never had a girl so yound call me dear in that way. doctor bort is the man. not the usaul one i see. he is like renouned or something. it shows. he was nice and listened and took time with me even though he didnt really have to, since i'm an english major he said and recomended books i should read to help. it was tight. i definetly needed this right now. i work tonight, hope it ain't busy, i'm feeling alittle worn out from school and dealing with all this the last couple days. but i'll be fine no matter what i think. said it' would take some days for meds to kick in which made me happy cause i really didn't want to be taking something that would just straight up knock me the fuck out. i want my brain calmer, not the world through high eyes. i hope that's what happens and i think it's like that old communist thing, i'm taking a step back right now so i can take two steps forward in my life. hopefully after this reading and some rest on this medicine i'll be able to get off of it.
getting through school and the transition into the world is really what has been destroying any calm i've built up through confidence and breathing techniques these last years. it's funny, i was compltely nervous this morning to take the pill. this little blue thing five times samller than the other vitamens and stomach meds i take and i was scared of it like a fucking enemy. but it's in my now and i feel pretty fucking normal so i'm happy.
i started eating meat again haha. five years. i really doubt i can go back to hamburgers and shit, espeacally fast food in genral. but fresh turkey an chiken has jest been catching my eyes recently and i could use the fuckign protein like anyone in this world. so i'm not fighting it, jsut trying to keep in mind each time i eat it that it was alive and i am gratful to that life it gave. nature is nature afterall. fastfood is not nature tohugh, arguably nethier is buying amish grain fed free roaming chiken at biggs but it makes me happy to know they were treated well and killed to make a farmer a living, a store a living, and give me and my family protein and nourishment that other wise is really hard to get. i'm glad for the five years without though. it really opens your eyes to how easy it is to be raised and certain way and to take the things in that way for granted. getting out of the life of eating meat for that time made mea realize how unhonered this life really is, and how i can do a part jsut to respect them and life. it didn't really matter to me to watch my freinds an family gobble down food they didn't give a fuck were it came from cause, i didn't for years and years. it doesnt really matter........even though it matters so much. but that is my life these days isn't it? caring about things that matter so much to me that don't really matter.........achiles doesnt matter and nethier does al lthis literture i love.....but it matters so much to me. it's a paradox liek that. so much is i think. to eat, sex it up, to drink, to live and get through each day at work. that's al lthat really matter in a way, but to do it with out things that don't matter to those few essensail things is just as important i tihnk. cause with out these things and thoughts there is no enrichment, no forward progress, nothing to separate us trully from the animals and as much as i love animals, i'm not one anymore....a million years ago i was and to mark some specific time when humans left beautiful nature behin to forge some thoughtout existence is hard to say but it happened i think.
hmm.....well, i'm off topic and don't really know where i'm going. i'm jsut happy people live the way they live. even if their fuckin' assholes. and i am glad my life i starting to take some kind of turn?,...towards being more responsible about my actions instead of being that idealistic person without any real set ideals. i want a life....i'm not going to blame myself for that. dreams are good....they can motivate.... they do motivate me... but fuck, i want to be in the world..these fantesys that give my creative expression are awesome, but i don't want to get lost in them like i have been for awhile now.
love you (pl)
~tommy
getting through school and the transition into the world is really what has been destroying any calm i've built up through confidence and breathing techniques these last years. it's funny, i was compltely nervous this morning to take the pill. this little blue thing five times samller than the other vitamens and stomach meds i take and i was scared of it like a fucking enemy. but it's in my now and i feel pretty fucking normal so i'm happy.
i started eating meat again haha. five years. i really doubt i can go back to hamburgers and shit, espeacally fast food in genral. but fresh turkey an chiken has jest been catching my eyes recently and i could use the fuckign protein like anyone in this world. so i'm not fighting it, jsut trying to keep in mind each time i eat it that it was alive and i am gratful to that life it gave. nature is nature afterall. fastfood is not nature tohugh, arguably nethier is buying amish grain fed free roaming chiken at biggs but it makes me happy to know they were treated well and killed to make a farmer a living, a store a living, and give me and my family protein and nourishment that other wise is really hard to get. i'm glad for the five years without though. it really opens your eyes to how easy it is to be raised and certain way and to take the things in that way for granted. getting out of the life of eating meat for that time made mea realize how unhonered this life really is, and how i can do a part jsut to respect them and life. it didn't really matter to me to watch my freinds an family gobble down food they didn't give a fuck were it came from cause, i didn't for years and years. it doesnt really matter........even though it matters so much. but that is my life these days isn't it? caring about things that matter so much to me that don't really matter.........achiles doesnt matter and nethier does al lthis literture i love.....but it matters so much to me. it's a paradox liek that. so much is i think. to eat, sex it up, to drink, to live and get through each day at work. that's al lthat really matter in a way, but to do it with out things that don't matter to those few essensail things is just as important i tihnk. cause with out these things and thoughts there is no enrichment, no forward progress, nothing to separate us trully from the animals and as much as i love animals, i'm not one anymore....a million years ago i was and to mark some specific time when humans left beautiful nature behin to forge some thoughtout existence is hard to say but it happened i think.
hmm.....well, i'm off topic and don't really know where i'm going. i'm jsut happy people live the way they live. even if their fuckin' assholes. and i am glad my life i starting to take some kind of turn?,...towards being more responsible about my actions instead of being that idealistic person without any real set ideals. i want a life....i'm not going to blame myself for that. dreams are good....they can motivate.... they do motivate me... but fuck, i want to be in the world..these fantesys that give my creative expression are awesome, but i don't want to get lost in them like i have been for awhile now.
love you (pl)
~tommy