(no subject)
weird place in life right now....
teusday i have a docters appointment to talk about going on medicine for anxiety. i've been to say the least, ambivilent about medicine of this kind for me my whole life. and i am conflicted now. it's funy cause i don't care when other people take it, actaully it has made me happy in the past when people have taken what seem like steps to make themselves feel better. i guess it's just been hard since i am, as many girls have pointed out in my life, stuburn as hell. it's my most boy like trait i think. i feel lots of pride about things, i like to do well, i like people around me that i asscaite with ti do well in the things they do and to be amazing people. so, over the last years while i quitly, or not so quitly, suffered through day after day of having intense fear reactions to absurd things, i continously and foolishly i think, decided day after to day to just suffer through it. but recently, i've grown so fucking tired of it. it's been bad recently with al lthe changes in my life, starting back to school after a long lazy summer, quiting my band, making a plan for the next year that is really intense, and mass little things that probally seem ridiculous like cutting my hair, and buying new shoes haha. yes, buying new shoes freked me out. i've had my other since eighth grade, they made me happy.
but my mom noticing me not going out much this past month, and notciing that the peopel i have been hanging out with are complete fuck ups haha. man, they are, but i love them so much. i haven't done drugs ha. seems ridiculous since i have delt with this bullshit in the past through suttle and horrible drug abuse at times, so why should i be sad and conflicted to go to a doctor educated for years upon years who practices medicine and has been for years upon years and who's name is dr. thaddeus? i'm nto sure. but today in class feeling right awful i was glad for the first time that teusday at 10:10 in the morn i will be baring this shit out of me. i did to my mom....who subsequently told me that my dad takes medicine, she thinks she should sometimes, my sis takes medicine, my sister's husband takes medicine, three of my aunts do, and i am reltivly sure that natty probally should and my uncle wayne with the stories they've told....or not should........but ya know.......have problems with this shit..
so..i don't know.......i guess it is maybe in my blood alittle. i treat it like a person. a evil doer in my stomach and head and heart. read my last post haha. but if medicine can really free me from this and i can focus better on life and doing so many things for so long i wished i could do but have been diplitatingly afraid to do, fuck it man. it might get me raiseed up more than now and able to do alot of things i wish i could. or maybe it will make me sader and feel false and foul.....i don't know, time will be the story unfolder i guess, it's worth a try too....i got such bust months up ahead and if i could be going to class with out anxiety and being able to go out with freinds again, i really might improve fast and focus more on my artistic endevours. i don't want to be like this forever.....i thought i could fight it down and grow out of it ha. but more and more does it seem like i need to grow up and deal with it.
that's all really. besides that i've been okay. alittel lonly and feeling awkward with my parents since i think it clicked to them why i am alot of the ways i have been the last years. but it's good in the long run as they say, the stadium of it. i got an A+ on my most recent paper cause it was so fucking tight....i want to try to do sometihng with it ha. i don't know what. music is coming along good, can't wait for christmas cause i am still that little kid waiting for presents and to give them....
love you all....especally anyone of you whom have listened to me bitch through the years.
~tommy
teusday i have a docters appointment to talk about going on medicine for anxiety. i've been to say the least, ambivilent about medicine of this kind for me my whole life. and i am conflicted now. it's funy cause i don't care when other people take it, actaully it has made me happy in the past when people have taken what seem like steps to make themselves feel better. i guess it's just been hard since i am, as many girls have pointed out in my life, stuburn as hell. it's my most boy like trait i think. i feel lots of pride about things, i like to do well, i like people around me that i asscaite with ti do well in the things they do and to be amazing people. so, over the last years while i quitly, or not so quitly, suffered through day after day of having intense fear reactions to absurd things, i continously and foolishly i think, decided day after to day to just suffer through it. but recently, i've grown so fucking tired of it. it's been bad recently with al lthe changes in my life, starting back to school after a long lazy summer, quiting my band, making a plan for the next year that is really intense, and mass little things that probally seem ridiculous like cutting my hair, and buying new shoes haha. yes, buying new shoes freked me out. i've had my other since eighth grade, they made me happy.
but my mom noticing me not going out much this past month, and notciing that the peopel i have been hanging out with are complete fuck ups haha. man, they are, but i love them so much. i haven't done drugs ha. seems ridiculous since i have delt with this bullshit in the past through suttle and horrible drug abuse at times, so why should i be sad and conflicted to go to a doctor educated for years upon years who practices medicine and has been for years upon years and who's name is dr. thaddeus? i'm nto sure. but today in class feeling right awful i was glad for the first time that teusday at 10:10 in the morn i will be baring this shit out of me. i did to my mom....who subsequently told me that my dad takes medicine, she thinks she should sometimes, my sis takes medicine, my sister's husband takes medicine, three of my aunts do, and i am reltivly sure that natty probally should and my uncle wayne with the stories they've told....or not should........but ya know.......have problems with this shit..
so..i don't know.......i guess it is maybe in my blood alittle. i treat it like a person. a evil doer in my stomach and head and heart. read my last post haha. but if medicine can really free me from this and i can focus better on life and doing so many things for so long i wished i could do but have been diplitatingly afraid to do, fuck it man. it might get me raiseed up more than now and able to do alot of things i wish i could. or maybe it will make me sader and feel false and foul.....i don't know, time will be the story unfolder i guess, it's worth a try too....i got such bust months up ahead and if i could be going to class with out anxiety and being able to go out with freinds again, i really might improve fast and focus more on my artistic endevours. i don't want to be like this forever.....i thought i could fight it down and grow out of it ha. but more and more does it seem like i need to grow up and deal with it.
that's all really. besides that i've been okay. alittel lonly and feeling awkward with my parents since i think it clicked to them why i am alot of the ways i have been the last years. but it's good in the long run as they say, the stadium of it. i got an A+ on my most recent paper cause it was so fucking tight....i want to try to do sometihng with it ha. i don't know what. music is coming along good, can't wait for christmas cause i am still that little kid waiting for presents and to give them....
love you all....especally anyone of you whom have listened to me bitch through the years.
~tommy