all my songs were perfect
"just come back and lay down... you look so sad sitting"
i turned around and saw her there. laying like a mermaid on a rock, half covered by a blanket, but i couldn't see what color it was, couldn't remeber ethier.
"i'm fine, i just..." i stopped, breathed and stood up. "just some water"
"are you okay? stil lthe light wieght?" she said and smiled. i smiled back with and exhale of a laugh but i felt the weight of sickness in my stomach and the heat through my face like i had just been hit in the head.
"im cool. just need to throw up or something"
"alright"
i walked out the door. the carpet was soft and thick enough to push up through my toes at every step. i wondered through the house looking for the bathroom, noseing through the rooms finding other people in each one passed out together or alone. girls with naked girls, boys with clothed girls, and some boys alone with only their cloths to hold them tight in the freezing apartment. i found the front door and from there remembered how to get to the bathroom. turned on the light and heard the june bugs hitting the window. june in cincinnati and heat came but now left us all to the abcent pressure of the cold night. i could see nothing out the window with the light on but i wanted to badly. i switched it off and sat on the closed toilet and put my head on the window sill. there were people outside. getting there cars to go to work probally. i could see now that the sun was jsut begining to makes it's first rays aaorund the curve of the earth and another day felt nice and i wished that i wasn't on the verge of passing out and missing it and i hated that i knew i needed to. i leaned over and threw up in the shower, too lazy and weighted down with soreness and clumsy heavy limbs to get off the pocalin.
"what the fuck! who's in there?"
"oh, hold on, shit" i said starteled awake and getting up i fell heavy against the tile of the floor. my kneee hit hard and sent paint through the whole bottom of my leg. i reached up and turned the gold anchor shaped lock and then collapsed behind the door.
a shirtless girl walked aroudn the corner wearing a sky blue bra. she was ugly was skinniness but beautiful in the face.
"oh shit dude, you okay?"
"yeah, just had to throw up and i passed out, ya know?
"yeah for sure. fuck man, you puked in the shower."
"i know, i'm sorry. ill clean it up"
she laughed at me hard and turned the shower on washing the rements of my night down the drain.
"it's okay man, whatever"
she said and started brushing her teeth. the sound of the water running down out the facet sounded like a train and added to it was the roughness of the brush against her teeth. i stood up sorely and still uneasy and walked out. she didn't say a word as she looked into the shower.
back in emily's room she was spralled out still sleeping amoung her massive amounts of pillows. she held one silky medum sized between her legs and had two firmer around her head. i couldn't bearly see her face. just a mop of wavy dark brown hair like spagetti stuck to a wall all about her pillows. i got into her bed and pulled the green comforter over my legs and put my head down face first into the pillow at her side. my back was wet with sweat from the summer growing back to it's real form. shedding the little incognito drug that the night had given it to lie.
i felt a hand come down over my head and lift up a couple of my drealocks and put them back down. she pushed her fingers through the spaces inbetween them and contracted and realseased her hand rubing my head and making the world seem worth it again. what forgetfullness is her hands? what romance do i live for that is here?
then i slept. there were no dreams. i had enough during the prevouis day. night was no longer for dreams. it was for the time inbetween them. and the sun moved all the way from it's slanting sky to the upright position of a shadowless near afternoon.
"wake up" emily said and turned my head over to see her sitting up in bed smiling with an air of play and aggresion. "feeling okay enough?"
i laughed and turned over looking at the wall. but answered happily.
"enough for you i guess"
and she lept from her side of her whole bed she shared with so many but with me for now and rolled nearly off before both off us stuck out our hands and caught out momentem on the bed side table, shaking the lamp and varoui bottles and needle that rolled innocently empty in an arch between two pens.
we kissed soft. like when your lips dont feel like your own anymore. just this combination of some sweetness that you could never captureby your self so they must not be just yours anymore. i put my hands up the back of her white tank top and felt al lthe softness of her skin between the thin materail. grabing her shoulders from behind and kissing her as hard as i could without bashing teeth together and then taking my hands back to her sides. rolling around the bed with love that can only be made in each second and dying there too. but reborn so fast that you can't even feel the dying as it passes. white sheets that set off our already tanned skin from laying on beaches in indiania jsut an hour from this cummune of a place. i kissed her neck sweetly and she scratched her nails on my back adding the agressivness of that play in.
"Emily! we got to fucking go you cunt" came the voice of the girl i had met earlier.
"fuck, christine needs a ride to work"
"Are you serouis"
"sorry love." she said and shrugged her shoulders. hoping out of bed and around the room. she heals so fast i thought. "ill be back"
i nodded my head at her smiled and found my purple radiohead shirt and pulled over my sweaty back. decided to go look around and see who was stil lthere and walked out of the room.
"tommy!" came a voice as soon as i close emily's door behind me. "fuckin shit man. nate was fuckin' looking for you. he's got that china man"
"fuckin' yeah right"
paul laughed and said "yeah i know but for real, it's tight. had some this morning and look how im smiling." he said pointing to his lips all puffed out in smile not revealing any teeth at all. Paul must have weighed more than two hundred pounds and was three inchs smaller than my 5'9 120 pounds person. he picked me up often and played around. i was the little kid of these people. the freind that was young to all of it. i was like thier little brother that they loved to mess with my hair as i walked by and give me anything that they knew would get me to the higer of the highs.
I sat down and looked at people who did ten times the drugs i did the night before eat pounds of eggs and drink irish rose out of mugs. they would all be going to work sooner or later and i would stay here. no ride home for days probally to get back to the city and i didnt mind.
"emily got back and pulled the big sunglasses off her face and threw her big cloth purse on the floor by the door.
"you see nate?" paul said.
"yep" she said still moving accross the room turning to smile at him. i followed her back to her room and close the door and locked it behind her.
"are you really doing it now em'?"
she laughed and didnt answer. she went in the drawer of the table that had caught us from falling off the bed and pulled out a fresh syring from the zip locked bag and the bent spoon caked with the dark brown rims of boulders melted down so many times.
"do it with me."
"i will"
"no i mean serouisly do it with me. "
she meant not snorting a line but letting her inject me with it.
"nah" i said "it's like one o clock."
"fuck today" she said not even looking up.
she pulled back the stopped on the needle and let the cool liquid slid and run into and along the glass of the inside of the syringe. pulled her knee up against her body and looked at the veins that looked fresh and healed anough to use again and found one. she broke her skin and pulled back the stop with her ring and middle finger and the red mist of blood clouded the forty of the drug. she pushed it in and took the needle out. took off her shirt and laid back on the pillows that she had been sad to leave for only that fifteen minutes.
i went over and laid my head on her chest and she put both her arms around me.
"good?" i asked.
she didn't answer.
"come on. i got a twenty left. it's your's man. it's your day. you know it wil lbe fine. and you know i can do it for you. in your feet, so far from your head that you wont even have to be close to the needle going in."
i laid on her chest. feeling the softness of breast on the side of my head. around her room were heaps of thrift store cloths she hadn't worn yet and just varouis stacks of cds or hobbies she had that i'd bearly ever see her actaully do. the one window had the noise of trees being blown hard in the wind right before the breeze came in and flowed over us and i was cold but calm. "fuck today" i thought. i didnt have to work. it wasnt friday or anything. i'd jsut being laying with her all day. a scream of happiness came fro mthe living room and em' put her fingers back between the spaces of my locks and exhaled deep in her dreamy world that i knew, but didn't knew like that.
"okay"
she sat up and readied everything. a pro, such as that she was high and i felt the safness of her hands. i laid back and looked up at the ceiling. white tiled that was sagging in the very middle of the room from water i supposed. geting in the roof probally. i felt the tension of the metel in my body and i felt my heart like it was the only thing i was made off beating fast and oh so strong in my chest. i felt her pull back and then push in. the drug went into me and i could feel it fly past my feet and then past my knees and then...it was gone. i couldn't feel it in me anymore. i jsut felt like i was me and my heart lessened and em' put everything down on the floor and climbed up my legs and put her head on my chest and grabed my arms and put them around her and we laid there all day.
i could feel her like she was every girl that i had ever laid with in this way. i could feel her like i was her laying me in this way. i felt at home. like i was in my bed after the longest ngiht i had ever had. like i had walked miles of desert road with out food or water for days, like i had been beaten up and in wrecking cars, like i had been thrown from cliffs and been dumbed by the only girl i ever loved, and then i finnaly got back to my bed and had peace in my bed alone. and then i didnt feel her any more. she was there but dreams came to me like boats out in the ocean that i watched as they drifted by and then jsut open sky, and then another would drift lazily by. it was the feeling i had known before but stronger, faster and for it, it was the feeling that i longed for everyday walkeing through crowds of people with my stomach hurting with anxiety and sitting in my room sad that i couldn't get a song or poem to come out right. it was all melted to that that song was perfect. all my songs were perfect.
~tommy
dont really mean to end it quite like this but it's four in the morning and my hands are cramping. im sure there are mass typos and akward meaningless sentences and parts but im not fighting that now. editing is a dream for nights when things come out. bye. and dont judge me fuckers haha. it's writing, it's fiction.
i turned around and saw her there. laying like a mermaid on a rock, half covered by a blanket, but i couldn't see what color it was, couldn't remeber ethier.
"i'm fine, i just..." i stopped, breathed and stood up. "just some water"
"are you okay? stil lthe light wieght?" she said and smiled. i smiled back with and exhale of a laugh but i felt the weight of sickness in my stomach and the heat through my face like i had just been hit in the head.
"im cool. just need to throw up or something"
"alright"
i walked out the door. the carpet was soft and thick enough to push up through my toes at every step. i wondered through the house looking for the bathroom, noseing through the rooms finding other people in each one passed out together or alone. girls with naked girls, boys with clothed girls, and some boys alone with only their cloths to hold them tight in the freezing apartment. i found the front door and from there remembered how to get to the bathroom. turned on the light and heard the june bugs hitting the window. june in cincinnati and heat came but now left us all to the abcent pressure of the cold night. i could see nothing out the window with the light on but i wanted to badly. i switched it off and sat on the closed toilet and put my head on the window sill. there were people outside. getting there cars to go to work probally. i could see now that the sun was jsut begining to makes it's first rays aaorund the curve of the earth and another day felt nice and i wished that i wasn't on the verge of passing out and missing it and i hated that i knew i needed to. i leaned over and threw up in the shower, too lazy and weighted down with soreness and clumsy heavy limbs to get off the pocalin.
"what the fuck! who's in there?"
"oh, hold on, shit" i said starteled awake and getting up i fell heavy against the tile of the floor. my kneee hit hard and sent paint through the whole bottom of my leg. i reached up and turned the gold anchor shaped lock and then collapsed behind the door.
a shirtless girl walked aroudn the corner wearing a sky blue bra. she was ugly was skinniness but beautiful in the face.
"oh shit dude, you okay?"
"yeah, just had to throw up and i passed out, ya know?
"yeah for sure. fuck man, you puked in the shower."
"i know, i'm sorry. ill clean it up"
she laughed at me hard and turned the shower on washing the rements of my night down the drain.
"it's okay man, whatever"
she said and started brushing her teeth. the sound of the water running down out the facet sounded like a train and added to it was the roughness of the brush against her teeth. i stood up sorely and still uneasy and walked out. she didn't say a word as she looked into the shower.
back in emily's room she was spralled out still sleeping amoung her massive amounts of pillows. she held one silky medum sized between her legs and had two firmer around her head. i couldn't bearly see her face. just a mop of wavy dark brown hair like spagetti stuck to a wall all about her pillows. i got into her bed and pulled the green comforter over my legs and put my head down face first into the pillow at her side. my back was wet with sweat from the summer growing back to it's real form. shedding the little incognito drug that the night had given it to lie.
i felt a hand come down over my head and lift up a couple of my drealocks and put them back down. she pushed her fingers through the spaces inbetween them and contracted and realseased her hand rubing my head and making the world seem worth it again. what forgetfullness is her hands? what romance do i live for that is here?
then i slept. there were no dreams. i had enough during the prevouis day. night was no longer for dreams. it was for the time inbetween them. and the sun moved all the way from it's slanting sky to the upright position of a shadowless near afternoon.
"wake up" emily said and turned my head over to see her sitting up in bed smiling with an air of play and aggresion. "feeling okay enough?"
i laughed and turned over looking at the wall. but answered happily.
"enough for you i guess"
and she lept from her side of her whole bed she shared with so many but with me for now and rolled nearly off before both off us stuck out our hands and caught out momentem on the bed side table, shaking the lamp and varoui bottles and needle that rolled innocently empty in an arch between two pens.
we kissed soft. like when your lips dont feel like your own anymore. just this combination of some sweetness that you could never captureby your self so they must not be just yours anymore. i put my hands up the back of her white tank top and felt al lthe softness of her skin between the thin materail. grabing her shoulders from behind and kissing her as hard as i could without bashing teeth together and then taking my hands back to her sides. rolling around the bed with love that can only be made in each second and dying there too. but reborn so fast that you can't even feel the dying as it passes. white sheets that set off our already tanned skin from laying on beaches in indiania jsut an hour from this cummune of a place. i kissed her neck sweetly and she scratched her nails on my back adding the agressivness of that play in.
"Emily! we got to fucking go you cunt" came the voice of the girl i had met earlier.
"fuck, christine needs a ride to work"
"Are you serouis"
"sorry love." she said and shrugged her shoulders. hoping out of bed and around the room. she heals so fast i thought. "ill be back"
i nodded my head at her smiled and found my purple radiohead shirt and pulled over my sweaty back. decided to go look around and see who was stil lthere and walked out of the room.
"tommy!" came a voice as soon as i close emily's door behind me. "fuckin shit man. nate was fuckin' looking for you. he's got that china man"
"fuckin' yeah right"
paul laughed and said "yeah i know but for real, it's tight. had some this morning and look how im smiling." he said pointing to his lips all puffed out in smile not revealing any teeth at all. Paul must have weighed more than two hundred pounds and was three inchs smaller than my 5'9 120 pounds person. he picked me up often and played around. i was the little kid of these people. the freind that was young to all of it. i was like thier little brother that they loved to mess with my hair as i walked by and give me anything that they knew would get me to the higer of the highs.
I sat down and looked at people who did ten times the drugs i did the night before eat pounds of eggs and drink irish rose out of mugs. they would all be going to work sooner or later and i would stay here. no ride home for days probally to get back to the city and i didnt mind.
"emily got back and pulled the big sunglasses off her face and threw her big cloth purse on the floor by the door.
"you see nate?" paul said.
"yep" she said still moving accross the room turning to smile at him. i followed her back to her room and close the door and locked it behind her.
"are you really doing it now em'?"
she laughed and didnt answer. she went in the drawer of the table that had caught us from falling off the bed and pulled out a fresh syring from the zip locked bag and the bent spoon caked with the dark brown rims of boulders melted down so many times.
"do it with me."
"i will"
"no i mean serouisly do it with me. "
she meant not snorting a line but letting her inject me with it.
"nah" i said "it's like one o clock."
"fuck today" she said not even looking up.
she pulled back the stopped on the needle and let the cool liquid slid and run into and along the glass of the inside of the syringe. pulled her knee up against her body and looked at the veins that looked fresh and healed anough to use again and found one. she broke her skin and pulled back the stop with her ring and middle finger and the red mist of blood clouded the forty of the drug. she pushed it in and took the needle out. took off her shirt and laid back on the pillows that she had been sad to leave for only that fifteen minutes.
i went over and laid my head on her chest and she put both her arms around me.
"good?" i asked.
she didn't answer.
"come on. i got a twenty left. it's your's man. it's your day. you know it wil lbe fine. and you know i can do it for you. in your feet, so far from your head that you wont even have to be close to the needle going in."
i laid on her chest. feeling the softness of breast on the side of my head. around her room were heaps of thrift store cloths she hadn't worn yet and just varouis stacks of cds or hobbies she had that i'd bearly ever see her actaully do. the one window had the noise of trees being blown hard in the wind right before the breeze came in and flowed over us and i was cold but calm. "fuck today" i thought. i didnt have to work. it wasnt friday or anything. i'd jsut being laying with her all day. a scream of happiness came fro mthe living room and em' put her fingers back between the spaces of my locks and exhaled deep in her dreamy world that i knew, but didn't knew like that.
"okay"
she sat up and readied everything. a pro, such as that she was high and i felt the safness of her hands. i laid back and looked up at the ceiling. white tiled that was sagging in the very middle of the room from water i supposed. geting in the roof probally. i felt the tension of the metel in my body and i felt my heart like it was the only thing i was made off beating fast and oh so strong in my chest. i felt her pull back and then push in. the drug went into me and i could feel it fly past my feet and then past my knees and then...it was gone. i couldn't feel it in me anymore. i jsut felt like i was me and my heart lessened and em' put everything down on the floor and climbed up my legs and put her head on my chest and grabed my arms and put them around her and we laid there all day.
i could feel her like she was every girl that i had ever laid with in this way. i could feel her like i was her laying me in this way. i felt at home. like i was in my bed after the longest ngiht i had ever had. like i had walked miles of desert road with out food or water for days, like i had been beaten up and in wrecking cars, like i had been thrown from cliffs and been dumbed by the only girl i ever loved, and then i finnaly got back to my bed and had peace in my bed alone. and then i didnt feel her any more. she was there but dreams came to me like boats out in the ocean that i watched as they drifted by and then jsut open sky, and then another would drift lazily by. it was the feeling i had known before but stronger, faster and for it, it was the feeling that i longed for everyday walkeing through crowds of people with my stomach hurting with anxiety and sitting in my room sad that i couldn't get a song or poem to come out right. it was all melted to that that song was perfect. all my songs were perfect.
~tommy
dont really mean to end it quite like this but it's four in the morning and my hands are cramping. im sure there are mass typos and akward meaningless sentences and parts but im not fighting that now. editing is a dream for nights when things come out. bye. and dont judge me fuckers haha. it's writing, it's fiction.