For museandlyrics | 1.8 Johann Wolfgang Van Goethe quote

[giveuaride]

1.8. "The right man is the one who seizes the moment."
Johann Wolfgang Van Goethe

[Co-written with itwontstopme | Follows THIS]

Suzy Quinlan huffed out a breath as she pushed her glasses back up her nose, and pulled the door shut on her tattoo parlour. It had been a long day, and as much as she loved her job, she was glad to see the end of it. Her shoulders ached, her back ached, and she even thought her wrist ached, but that could have been from when she whacked it against the counter in her excitement of seeing a client's proposed artwork. The guy had brought in his own image he wanted her to re-do, and she actually looked forward to the challenge. It was an appointment for next week though, so Suzy had a week to work up to it.

She turned the key in the lock, and looked down as she tucked her hair behind her ears. All days seemed to drag lately, and she couldn't quite put her finger on why. Well, she could, it was just whether or not she wanted to admit to it. It had been a while, so maybe she wasn't supposed to still feel like she had missed out on something. Or that she still wanted him. It had been her decision not to pursue anything in the face of his fiancee's anger, but Suzy regretted it.


She regretted everything about it, and hated that there was no way she was going to get closure. She was even scared to contact him in case she found out he had somehow managed to reconcile with the brunette. She tossed her keys into her courier bag, and pulled her jacket up to cover her shoulder so she didn't look like such a mess. She was always in such a rush to leave work, only to remember once she was outside that she had no reason to get home as soon as possible. There was no one waiting for her.

Jason didn't know what the hell he was doing in Austin. Well, maybe he did, but he just didn't know how to admit it to himself, or even if it was the right thing to do. He wouldn't blame her one bit if she never wanted to see him again. After Lyla's hysterical explosion and dramatic, yet cheesy, throwing of his ring back in his face, everything had just gone down hill. Suzy bit a hasty retreat with many apologies and Jason hadn't seen her again since. To think about that, a small strange ache appeared in his gut that he couldn't really swallow away. Paralysis from the waist down didn't numb the guilty feelings in his stomach or chest.

It was dark, meaning it was late. Why the fuck was he here, really? He spent the whole trip home from Mexico thinking about her, and had managed to talk himself into coming to Austin, even if he just turned around and went home again. Only, it took a lot of effort to get out of his truck, especially with all his quad equipment, plus he had driven all this way... should he really just turn his back on the effort? If he went home, he would just wonder what the hell would have happened if he actually grabbed his balls and spoke to her. Of course, it's not like he could feel his balls when he grabbed them anyway, so it was an inaccurate metaphor. But he was so lost in his thoughts as he wheeled himself along the sidewalk that he didn't realise how close to the tattoo parlour he was, nor that she was standing out the front, until it was too late to make a getaway...

He bit down on his lip as he caught sight of her, his nose scrunching up just a little when he spoke. "Hey..." he hesitantly and cleared his throat. "I guess it's kind of hard to sneak up on someone in a wheelchair."

Suzy blinked at the voice, a tiny shiver running up her spine. She turned her head, her feet crossing over at the ankles as she stood there nervously, all too aware of the flutters in her stomach at seeing Jason, and the way her heart was starting to beat faster. "Hey, Jason," she responded, a huge smile on her face. It was hard to hide it. "I was just thinking about you... again."

Jason's eyebrows rose. "Really?" he asked, trying to fight the urge to reach out and take her hand. Instead he just put his hand up and rubbed his hand with the edge of his hand. It was a nervous gesture, but probably a safer one for the moment. "I, um... I don't really know why I'm here. It's just... I've had a rough couple of weeks and had to think a lot over, and I just thought I would... come see how you were doing."

Suzy ducked her head, and laughed quietly. "Yeah, really. You make an impression on a girl, what can I say? Hard to forget you. I'm sorry I didn't call you, or anything. I just... I didn't know what to do. I wasn't sure if you'd be trying to get back with her, or... yeah." She uncrossed her legs, and moved closer to him, looking at him with concern. "You want to talk about it? Or there's a bar down the road a bit. We could get a drink. If--if you wanted." She tried not to look too hopeful, or like she was asking him for a drink as anything but a friend.

Jason bit down on his lip and look in the direction down the road. At some point, he had sat forward in his chair, maybe an unconcious effort to get closer to her, his elbows resting on his knees. He looked back at her with a nod and a smile. "Yeah, I'd really like that," he agreed. "Not that I want you to think I just came here to offload my baggage or anything, because it wasn't that. Not at all, even if you're probably the only person who really listened to me after the accident. And if it's any consolation, things with Lyla ended that night. For good. Actually, they ended a lot earlier than that and I was just deluded."

Suzy couldn't help it, she reached out to brush her fingers over her hair as she smiled at him. She was relieved that Lyla was old news, and she was glad he was here. He had the courage to do the one thing she couldn't. She moved to stand next to his side, ready to lead him to the bar. "I know you didn't come here for that. Talking's been something we've been good at since we met. And I want to listen, I want to know you're okay now. Help if I can. I, um... I'm sorry about Lyla, but I can't really deny I'm happy to hear that. Part of me wishes I'd known earlier. Then I might not have stayed away."

"And that's my fault," Jason told her, peering up at her as he started to wheel his chair in the direction of the bar. "I wasn't sure you would want anything to do with me after that. I mean, I kissed you and I was supposedly engaged. I say supposedly, because it was doomed from the start. I asked her for all the wrong reasons. Her father was giving me shit and I was trying to prove to myself and everyone that I was worthy of her, and worthy of people's respect. I realise now that I don't give a fuck about being respected by her father. I was just all screwed up in my head and just all exploded in the last couple of weeks when I made some bad choices. But all that aside, I haven't been able to stop thinking about you. Not since that night. I was so angry at Lyla for showing up and ruining it. After that, I just didn't know what I was supposed to think or how I was supposed to feel... about anything, really. Then Coach Taylor up and left, which made things even more hard. Sorry, I'm rambling."

Suzy shook her head. "No, you're not. And if you were, I like it. I like hearing you talk. I know I should probably think you should feel bad for kissing me while you were with Lyla, but I mean... I still went out with you. I agreed when I knew. It's not like I didn't meet her in Austin as your fiancee. She was pretty damn clear on pointing it out. It's just... when we were driving back, and ever since we met--well, ever since we talked properly--I've felt connected to you. You were actually pretty rude when we first met," Suzy reminded him with a grin. "Lucky you were cute. It was easy to forgive you. You shouldn't have to impress anyone. You're a great guy, Jason. A really amazing, great guy."

Jason pressed his lips together sheepishly and then dipped his head with a laugh. "Hell, I know. I'm firmly blaming that on spending far too much time with Herc. Like, the whole drive to Austin with him giving me tips on quad sex and how to best pick up chicks." He smiled up at her, his eyes shining in the street lights. "I'm sorry you had to deal with the whole Lyla thing at the party. She was arrogant and obnoxious, and all I seem to be seeing lately is that she is like that almost all the time. It's a completely sore point. She found God again and apparently that means everything is all going to be hearts and roses, and that we're going to remain friends. I just want her to stop talking so I don't have to hear her voice, which probably makes me a real asshole. But her presence made me realise what she's made me miss out on... and to be honest, I expected to show up here and find you with a boyfriend."

"A boyfriend?" Suzy almost looked incredulous. "I think you're being a bit hopeful. I mean, my luck isn't bad, but there's only so many kinds of guys I can meet while being a tattoo artist. They're not you. I haven't been out with anyone since the last time I saw you. Hard to say yes, when I just want to be saying yes to you." She pushed open the door to the bar and walked in so she could hold the door open for him. Her head rest against the edge of the door as she watched him. "I've really missed you... And as selfish and making me sound like a bitch as it is, I'm relieved to know you're not going to be feeling guilty over Lyla. I didn't like her, but I figured if you'd chosen to be with her there had to be something I was missing."

Jason wheeled himself through the door and exhaled heavily. "I think I was with her more out of obligation, which is something I hate to admit. I was so unhappy with myself that I convinced myself I just needed to settle for that. How could she profess over and over that she loved me when she was sleeping with Tim? And it wasn't just a single time. They did it more than once." He shook his head, nose scrunching up a little again like the subject left a bad taste in his mouth. "I missed you too. I should have come to you sooner. I wouldn't have made the bad choices I did if I had just grabbed my balls and came when I couldn't stop thinking about you. I should have followed you."

Suzy was willing to let the subject of Lyla drop at the look on Jason's face. Truth was she couldn't blame him for finding it awful to talk about. She still couldn't believe a girl could do that to Jason. How anyone could cheat on him, or treat him like shit was beyond her. She smirked a little as she held his gaze. "Hey, I should have grabbed your balls too, so I guess we're even. Pick a table while I grab the beers?"

Jason opened his mouth to reply, but could only laugh. It had been a long time since anyone talked to him like that, and it wasn't even Lyla, it was a rally girl. One that actually had some brains, too. He nodded. "Yeah, sure." He picked a table that was mostly away from the more crowded part of the bar. He had a slight sense of dejavu from the first time they had a drink together when he could just talk, and he didn't feel like he was inflicting his misery on her. Right before she took him to get his tattoo. He nudged one of the chairs away so he could park his chair at the table and looked over her at the bar with a small smile before dropping his eyes to the tattoo on his wrist. Lyla had hated it, but Jason loved it from the minute it was there. Peace. It's all he wanted.

Suzy didn't have to wait long to be served. Maybe it was sad that the barman knew her, but she did kind of like the idea of a local. She just probably spent more time here than she should since she had no boyfriend to worry about. It was being around people, and a comfort thing. Until the people got supremely drunk, and she just wound up leaving for fear of having to have a conversation with no foreseeable end. She handed over the money and took the bottles over to Jason, taking the seat closest to him. She slid his beer across and leaned forward as she smiled. She'd noticed him looking at the tattoo. "Still some of my best work. Or maybe just my favourite canvas."

Jason looked up, smiling again as he accepted his beer. He picked it up with both palms and held it up. "Cheers," he told her and took an awkward looking sip. But hey, at least he could still drink a beer, even if it took some intricate coordination. "I'm glad you talked me into getting it. The symbolism has been important, even if I rolled right out of Austin and into less peace than I've seen in my life." He had to laugh at the irony. "I can't even blame Herc this time."

"Cheers," Suzy acknowledged, taking a sip of her own beer. She reached out, her fingers brushing against his wrist where the tattoo was. She didn't take her hand back straight away, head tilted as she watched him. "I don't think I had to talk you too hard into getting it. Maybe just made you realise you could get one if you wanted. It wasn't something you had to worry about anyone else's approval for. I actually miss Herc, you talk to him at all? As for the lack of peace, do you think you'll start getting some back now? Is there anything I can help with?"

Jason nodded slowly, looking down and the tattoo and wetting his lips. "Yeah, you're right. I was so used to being held to what other people wanted me to be. I came to Austin and just had a taste of what being in control of my own life could be. There had been the Panthers, and before that, training for the Panthers. Then Lyla, and everything her family thought I should be. And my parents, God bless them, but since the accident, I can't even pee without one of them worrying. I just saw here what it could be like to just be me, and to actually like me, even though I'm stuck in the chair. It just took throwing myself off a boat to realise it." He laughed softly. "Yeah, I still see Herc. His life wouldn't be the same if he couldn't point out all the ways I'm doing things wrong and how much I should tell people in Dillon to get fucked."

"It had to have been a lot of pressure to try and cope with. Even before the accident. I never knew you as the QB, but I think you're a pretty fantastic guy when you just let yourself be you. Herc's kind of right. Fuck anyone that wants you to fit into some square hole your round peg doesn't fit in." Suzy covered her mouth as she started to laugh. "So didn't mean that to sound dirty. You know what I mean though, right?"

Jason laughed. "Yeah, I'm starting to understand it. Getting my peg to fit any hole isn't overly successful, so the metaphor fits," he told her and flicked his thumb against the loose edge of the beer label. "So, what have you been up to beyond avoiding Dillon or anything remotely connected to it."

Suzy pulled her beer close, staying leaned forward to keep their conversation private. "Think your peg would fit my hole, or is it too early to take the metaphor there?" She grinned at him, her eyes lighting up behind her glasses. "Just working on getting my tattoo place up and running. Taking a lot of appointments to keep me busy. I do still see my sister, so occasionally I am near Dillon. I just... I couldn't bring myself to see you. I guess I talked myself out of it. Now I'm wishing I'd talked myself into it."

Jason just smirked at her and then dipped his eyes briefly. "It's got to work to fit," he said wryly. "I've had sex once, since the accident. You should have talked yourself into it, but I don't blame you for not doing it. I should never had let it just end like that, without even so much as an apology. A proper apology, I mean. Not the words falling reflexively out of my mouth because Lyla was throwing a tantrum in the background."

Suzy arched an eyebrow. "Really? Was that... was that with Lyla? What did it for you that one time?" She leaned in and kissed his cheek softly before ducking her head as she wet her lips. "Hey, I know it was messed up. I should have given you more time, I guess I just got spooked. I didn't think I'd be able to compete with years of affection. Didn't really realise that you were already over Lyla. Which sounds funny considering you were kissing me. I don't know what I'm talking about anymore. Basically I was just stupid."

Jason gave a small shrug. "I have no idea," he admitted in amusement. "It was just like a really lucky touchdown in football. It was in Austin..." he added, looking at her intently. "Maybe it was just the environment and the company. Frame of mind. And yeah, there wasn't years of affection. There was years of looking pretty and posing for photos. Years of promising to do the good Christian thing and marry her like a good boy. The affection was fake. I can see that now. She wanted me because I was QB1. Look what happened when I wasn't anymore. I've never felt like I did with you with anyone else, ever. I didn't understand that, but I knew I wanted more."

Suzy looked down at her beer, tilting it forward a little as she tried to word what she wanted to ask in a way that didn't come off as blunt, or forward. She wasn't sure there was a way. "You're in Austin now... And I wanted more, too. I do want more. So I guess the question is how do we do this? What are we even trying to do?"

Jason bit down on his lip. He would be lying if he didn't admit to himself this issue crossed his mind when he contemplated coming to Austin to see her. In fact, it had been rolling around in his head for weeks. It wasn't the sole reason he was here, not by a long shot, but the curiosity was there. The what-ifs were there. Only, now he was faced with it, and they were here, together, in person, his stomach was doing nervous little flip-flops about what they really were supposed to do next. "I... honestly didn't know what was supposed to come next. I just had to get here and kinda hoped it would come to me once I was. The anxiety about the whole physical performance aside, I'm scared how right this feels after so much... wrong."

She nodded in understanding, and tucked her hair behind her ears in nervous habit. "I know what you mean. I don't really know what's supposed to come next either. It, ah... it might be nice to kiss you without knowing some psycho ex-cheerleader is going to throw a ring at you," she admitted with a small laugh. "Maybe we're just supposed to take it one step at a time. There's no rush, right?"

"No, there's no rush," Jason agreed quietly. He was feeling a little overwhelmed in general, like the last couple of weeks were catching up with him. "I did something really stupid over the last couple of weeks and I think you should know about it in case you think I'm too much of a basketcase to waste your time with. I'm not proud of it and I want to blame a momentary lapse of sanity, but it was more just desperation."

Suzy frowned a little, her hand covering his. "I doubt I'll think you're a basketcase, but okay..."

Jason exhaled slowly and heavily, looking down at the coaster on the table. "I took a trip to Mexico because some dude told me there was this experimental surgery with shark cartilegde to help quads walk again. I believed it. Or rather, I desperately wanted it to be true, so I talked myself into it. But Tim, who came with me because I got pissed at him and he thought Mexico was a free buffet of booze and sex, he intervened. Had to go and call Lyla to do it, which just pissed me off even more. He said he was scared I was going to die and didn't know what to do to stop me. Fair point, because I wasn't listening to anyone, I was so hell bent on getting that surgery and getting out of the chair. Anyway, they took me on a booze cruise, Tim's idea. I wasn't in a good mood because Lyla was there. I knew what they were going to try to do, which pissed me off even more. Anyway, they both had a go at me, so I had a go right back. Then I got pissed off even more, if that was possible, and I, uh..." He paused, a frown forming on his face. "I threw myself off the back of the boat. Dragged myself out of the wheelchair and just chucked myself in the water. I stopped thinking. But it was like if I couldn't get out of the chair, I didn't want to live."

As Suzy had been listening, her hand covered her mouth to try and cover some of her shock. Her eyes were wide though, and she just stared at Jason for a long moment, feeling tears prick the backs of her eyes for a reason she couldn't even fathom. She ducked her head, wiping at her eyes as she took a breath. "I'm sorry, I don't mean to be so... stupid. I just, it hurts hearing all that. I can't even imagine how you must have been feeling, but knowing that you wanted to do that... I'm sorry, Jason. I'm so sorry."

Jason reached over and brushed his hand against hers. "It's okay. Don't apologise. I think I just needed to hit rock bottom before I could pick myself up again. I needed a wake up call, I just never intended it to be so... drastic. It was scary to just stop thinking like that. I know there is no one to blame but myself, but when you get showered in all the sugary optimism like I had been, it's a much further crash back down to reality when it hits. I'm a quad and I'm going to always be in this chair, and you were the only person - other than Herc, but I don't want to kiss him - who never once told me to keep my chin up and everything would be fine."

Suzy put her other have over his, rubbing it as she lifted her gaze to look at him. "It's never bothered me. I know it must have been a huge adjustment, and I don't mean to take anything away from that, but I don't see you as crippled. I see you as this gorgeous, smart, funny guy that just happens to come with a chair attached to his ass. Just between you and me, I've been spending a little too much time thinking of the benefits of you having a permanent lap. I'm just glad you're okay. I'm sorry you had to have such a harsh reality check, but maybe it really is for the best."

Jason had words to say in return. Many of them, even. But he remained silent at first, just watching her eyes in the dim light of the bar. The nerves were still fluttering in his gut, but who was he to ever shy away from a challenge? He got where he was challenging himself, and this was Suzy! He wanted her. He had wanted her for a long time. He leaned in, his eyes falling closed as he pressed his lips against hers in a soft kiss.

Suzy brought her hand up to cup his cheek as she kissed him back, keeping the kiss soft. It would have been easy to deepen it, to push it further, but she didn't want to ruin the moment. She smiled against his lips, giving him another soft kiss before she pulled back slightly. "You still taste the same."

Jason smiled and licked his lips in the wake of the kiss. He rested his forehead against hers. "I guess now we just need to figure out what comes next."

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