Things and Stuff
"Things and Stuff"
By Zach W. Jensen
There's been a long-standing debate, since the dawn of modern philosophy, of the origin of and the difference between things and stuff.
After much consideration, research and technological studies using the most advanced tools known to man, Dr. Johnny Tookay of Miser University has made the distinction - one that will set the record straight and will inevitably affect how humans see things and stuff from now until eternity.
"It occurred to me one night, at the lab, that there is, indeed, a most distinguishable difference between things and stuff," the doctor said in his report to the U.S. Board of Military Studies (BOMS). "In order to completely understand these differences, we must first define things and stuff, and we must comprehend their individual qualities."
The doctor reported that things are only stuff when they are together and that one thing cannot possibly be stuff if it is alone. Thus, he said, stuff is the sum of its things, but things are not necessarily stuff.
"For example," the doctor said. "a fruit salad is made up of things and thus can be considered stuff. However, an apple is a thing - as is a grape, orange and a banana. It is only through understanding these things can we fully grasp the importance of stuff."
On the other hand, Dr. Tookay explained, all things are made up of stuff. The individual pieces of fruit in the fruit salad, he said, are each made of stuff, which is made up of independent things - i.e.: an apple contains water, vitamins, nutrients, fiber, etc.
"Therefore," he said, "all things are made of stuff, and all stuff is made of things, but things that make up stuff are not necessarily made of the same stuff that make up the things."
However, Tookay cautioned, stuff should not be equated to shit.
"Shit can be explained as the very lowest of stuff made up of the most basic things," he said. "In this sense, shit cannot be confused with things or stuff, because most stuff is not shit."
The questions in the doctor's mind then became: "How do things affect stuff, and if a battle took place between things and stuff, which would prevail?"
"Stuff can rarely impact things directly - unless the stuff can have a chemical interaction with the thing - much like shit can be used to dissolve things," the doc explained. "However, things can impact stuff quite considerably - as is the case when a projectile enters a fleshy mass or in the case of a fork entering our fruit salad. The fruit salad won't affect the fork, but the fork will most certainly affect the fruit salad."
In his summary, the doctor explained to the BOMS precisely how it could use this new information in its future military campaigns to ensure world domination.
"Knowing that things are made of stuff and that stuff cannot usually affect things, we need to assemble lots of stuff into very powerful things," he said. "We will then use those things against our enemies - understanding that their stuff can't hurt our things, and our things are bigger and better than their things, because it's made up of better stuff."
The doctor's report was met with acclamation and gratitude, and the military used his information to produce powerful things made of extremely powerful stuff, and once they built enough of these things, they blew the shit out of their enemies.
By Zach W. Jensen
There's been a long-standing debate, since the dawn of modern philosophy, of the origin of and the difference between things and stuff.
After much consideration, research and technological studies using the most advanced tools known to man, Dr. Johnny Tookay of Miser University has made the distinction - one that will set the record straight and will inevitably affect how humans see things and stuff from now until eternity.
"It occurred to me one night, at the lab, that there is, indeed, a most distinguishable difference between things and stuff," the doctor said in his report to the U.S. Board of Military Studies (BOMS). "In order to completely understand these differences, we must first define things and stuff, and we must comprehend their individual qualities."
The doctor reported that things are only stuff when they are together and that one thing cannot possibly be stuff if it is alone. Thus, he said, stuff is the sum of its things, but things are not necessarily stuff.
"For example," the doctor said. "a fruit salad is made up of things and thus can be considered stuff. However, an apple is a thing - as is a grape, orange and a banana. It is only through understanding these things can we fully grasp the importance of stuff."
On the other hand, Dr. Tookay explained, all things are made up of stuff. The individual pieces of fruit in the fruit salad, he said, are each made of stuff, which is made up of independent things - i.e.: an apple contains water, vitamins, nutrients, fiber, etc.
"Therefore," he said, "all things are made of stuff, and all stuff is made of things, but things that make up stuff are not necessarily made of the same stuff that make up the things."
However, Tookay cautioned, stuff should not be equated to shit.
"Shit can be explained as the very lowest of stuff made up of the most basic things," he said. "In this sense, shit cannot be confused with things or stuff, because most stuff is not shit."
The questions in the doctor's mind then became: "How do things affect stuff, and if a battle took place between things and stuff, which would prevail?"
"Stuff can rarely impact things directly - unless the stuff can have a chemical interaction with the thing - much like shit can be used to dissolve things," the doc explained. "However, things can impact stuff quite considerably - as is the case when a projectile enters a fleshy mass or in the case of a fork entering our fruit salad. The fruit salad won't affect the fork, but the fork will most certainly affect the fruit salad."
In his summary, the doctor explained to the BOMS precisely how it could use this new information in its future military campaigns to ensure world domination.
"Knowing that things are made of stuff and that stuff cannot usually affect things, we need to assemble lots of stuff into very powerful things," he said. "We will then use those things against our enemies - understanding that their stuff can't hurt our things, and our things are bigger and better than their things, because it's made up of better stuff."
The doctor's report was met with acclamation and gratitude, and the military used his information to produce powerful things made of extremely powerful stuff, and once they built enough of these things, they blew the shit out of their enemies.