I don't feel like posting...
...yet here I am. Seriously, it's been several months, I think, since I posted anything to my own LJ. Instead, my focus has been on www.witchful-thinking.com, which you should check out if you haven't seen it yet. My friend Dan and I moved it to its own server, and he's been doing social media stuff for me since it is something I pretty much despise. It hasn't had quite the bump in traffic I've wanted. In fact, my old website has seen a significant increase in traffic since I stopped updating it. But so far, I've made about $6 on the new website from ads. I swear most of them are from me looking at the website from computers other than mine at home.
I'm feeling generally down lately. Sort of overwhelmed by the whole no job=no money thing. So all I do is hold my breath and hope there is enough to get to the next bill. I'm waiting for things to turn around for Matt. He has some work next week and the week after Christmas, so there is some cash to look forward to. It's just much later than I would prefer.
There is some talk of a future wedding, but so far discussion has been rather unromantic and undecided, about both I am quite disappointed. Truth is I just don't feel like a big celebration or getting dressed up and spending money we don't have.
The internship is taking up my life, even though it's only a few days a week. The commute is killing me, but I'd rather be at home because it is more relaxing than staying at someone elses house. I'm working more hours than I've intended to, and have maxed out what I can earn credit for until the semester is over, which is in Dec. My client load doubled with the closing of the Multicultural floor, and I have several clients with whom I will need a translator. This will be very interesting. In general I'm progressing slowly as a clinician, and I"m not that pleased with my performance, yet at the same time I'm too exhausted to put any more effort into it.
Thank goodness for snowdays. I'm secretly hoping it'll be too bad tomorrow for me to go in, even though it means a load of paperwork when I get back. I'm sure I'm not the only one missing appointments, but it is way too far for me to get there safely in this weather. My supervisor has done a good job of not making me feel guilty about it, but I still feel neglectful and like I'm not using my time well.
It's getting close to the end of the semester, and I know I have a lot to do, but I can't seem to get much of it done. My neatly laid out lists are all in Everett at the office, including the papers and stuff I've been working on. With less than three weeks til the end of the semester, you'd think I'd be more freaked out. I really don't care if I fail, which is a terrible attitude considering how expensive these classes are. I need to step it up. Gods, I just want school to be over. But in three semesters (if I don't fail this one), I'll be done, and I can go forth in the world finally with my MA. Then I've got to get lisenced in the state. And then I can think about a Ph.D, which I'm now thinking should be part time, so I can have a life again. I miss having a life.
I started reading Robert Graves "The White Goddess". It's a hard read, but challenging in the right ways. It reminds me of my minor in Liberal Studies. And I can't help but thinking it would have been more interesting if, like Graves, they took poetry and mythology more seriously. I like to pretend this will help with my PhD. It certainly clarifies some papers I wrote as an Undergrad. I really want to read Harry Potter again, but would feel guilty for reading when I have so much school work to do. I might reread the Percy Jackson series while I'm still borrowing the final book from my cousin, who will be home from Korea in mid December.
Before Sickle, I wanted children, and Matt has been timid about the subject in general. We've agreed that we want kids (girls, please) but not at this time. And pinning down a time seems impossible when the future is so uncertain. But since I worked with Danu, the desire to be a mom has been more pronounced. I see folks I care about having children and feel a strong desire to share that birth journey with my partner. I want to slow my life down to accomodate a new member of the family. But then logically I know there couldn't be a worse time. Yet no time seems like a good time. I've sometimes thought to just stop taking birth control (which makes my libido dry up--very effective at controlling pregnancy!) and letting the girls just get here when they get here, but that smacks of impulsivity. And I do wonder how much of this is the fact that I'm getting closer to 30 than 20 or how much of this is because I was working with the Great Mother energy. She reminds me that birth is an ordinary event in the long run, although it is pretty important to the individual. We all did it, so why does it seem so hard for me?
Much of my unhappiness at the moment comes from taking the Taylor-Johnson Temperment Analysis, which was required for my assessments class. Basically, I didn't realize how depressed Matt and I were until we took it. Many of our scores were leaning towards the negative, and we weren't feeling negative when we took the assessment. It just make me realize how much happiness and self-actualization is based on having your basic survival down. Sure, we aren't starving or anything, but the anxiety is keeping us both on edge as M waits to hear back from jobs and I scrape every penny to get the most out of it. Everyone else's budget is getting cut, so we're running out of places to ask for help. This Christmas is going to be really scroogy. Just like last year. And the year before. And you wonder why I don't like Christmas. Tarot readings for everyone! And shrinkidink...don't ask.... ;)
I'm trying very hard to keep my spirits up. But the less I'm able to manifest my values (such as local food, timely payments, taking responsibility for self, etc) the more unhappy I feel. I want to be a great therapist, and I'm pissed that I'm not yet, even though I'm doing very well considering how long I've been practicing. I know, it's my own fault for feeling that way, but I'm constantly feeling conflicted and it's exhausting. I can barely keep the whole perspective when I'm worried about little things.
I keep telling myself that money comes in mid-January, and I just have to get through the next month and a half. It seems so far away when you aren't sure what is coming between here and there. I'll be able to pay off a lot of things and plan for the semester, making money that Matt brings in extra goodness to help get ahead instead of behind.
Please pray that Matt gets a satisfactory job at Boeing, or one that fits his mechanical inclination, independent spirit and need for health insurance. Please pray that nothing terrible happens that requires emergency funds. Please pray that the car gets top gas mileage and every dollar goes as far as it can. Pray that I do well in my classes so I can get a fantastic job faster. Please just keep us in your thoughts during this long dark winter.
I'm feeling generally down lately. Sort of overwhelmed by the whole no job=no money thing. So all I do is hold my breath and hope there is enough to get to the next bill. I'm waiting for things to turn around for Matt. He has some work next week and the week after Christmas, so there is some cash to look forward to. It's just much later than I would prefer.
There is some talk of a future wedding, but so far discussion has been rather unromantic and undecided, about both I am quite disappointed. Truth is I just don't feel like a big celebration or getting dressed up and spending money we don't have.
The internship is taking up my life, even though it's only a few days a week. The commute is killing me, but I'd rather be at home because it is more relaxing than staying at someone elses house. I'm working more hours than I've intended to, and have maxed out what I can earn credit for until the semester is over, which is in Dec. My client load doubled with the closing of the Multicultural floor, and I have several clients with whom I will need a translator. This will be very interesting. In general I'm progressing slowly as a clinician, and I"m not that pleased with my performance, yet at the same time I'm too exhausted to put any more effort into it.
Thank goodness for snowdays. I'm secretly hoping it'll be too bad tomorrow for me to go in, even though it means a load of paperwork when I get back. I'm sure I'm not the only one missing appointments, but it is way too far for me to get there safely in this weather. My supervisor has done a good job of not making me feel guilty about it, but I still feel neglectful and like I'm not using my time well.
It's getting close to the end of the semester, and I know I have a lot to do, but I can't seem to get much of it done. My neatly laid out lists are all in Everett at the office, including the papers and stuff I've been working on. With less than three weeks til the end of the semester, you'd think I'd be more freaked out. I really don't care if I fail, which is a terrible attitude considering how expensive these classes are. I need to step it up. Gods, I just want school to be over. But in three semesters (if I don't fail this one), I'll be done, and I can go forth in the world finally with my MA. Then I've got to get lisenced in the state. And then I can think about a Ph.D, which I'm now thinking should be part time, so I can have a life again. I miss having a life.
I started reading Robert Graves "The White Goddess". It's a hard read, but challenging in the right ways. It reminds me of my minor in Liberal Studies. And I can't help but thinking it would have been more interesting if, like Graves, they took poetry and mythology more seriously. I like to pretend this will help with my PhD. It certainly clarifies some papers I wrote as an Undergrad. I really want to read Harry Potter again, but would feel guilty for reading when I have so much school work to do. I might reread the Percy Jackson series while I'm still borrowing the final book from my cousin, who will be home from Korea in mid December.
Before Sickle, I wanted children, and Matt has been timid about the subject in general. We've agreed that we want kids (girls, please) but not at this time. And pinning down a time seems impossible when the future is so uncertain. But since I worked with Danu, the desire to be a mom has been more pronounced. I see folks I care about having children and feel a strong desire to share that birth journey with my partner. I want to slow my life down to accomodate a new member of the family. But then logically I know there couldn't be a worse time. Yet no time seems like a good time. I've sometimes thought to just stop taking birth control (which makes my libido dry up--very effective at controlling pregnancy!) and letting the girls just get here when they get here, but that smacks of impulsivity. And I do wonder how much of this is the fact that I'm getting closer to 30 than 20 or how much of this is because I was working with the Great Mother energy. She reminds me that birth is an ordinary event in the long run, although it is pretty important to the individual. We all did it, so why does it seem so hard for me?
Much of my unhappiness at the moment comes from taking the Taylor-Johnson Temperment Analysis, which was required for my assessments class. Basically, I didn't realize how depressed Matt and I were until we took it. Many of our scores were leaning towards the negative, and we weren't feeling negative when we took the assessment. It just make me realize how much happiness and self-actualization is based on having your basic survival down. Sure, we aren't starving or anything, but the anxiety is keeping us both on edge as M waits to hear back from jobs and I scrape every penny to get the most out of it. Everyone else's budget is getting cut, so we're running out of places to ask for help. This Christmas is going to be really scroogy. Just like last year. And the year before. And you wonder why I don't like Christmas. Tarot readings for everyone! And shrinkidink...don't ask.... ;)
I'm trying very hard to keep my spirits up. But the less I'm able to manifest my values (such as local food, timely payments, taking responsibility for self, etc) the more unhappy I feel. I want to be a great therapist, and I'm pissed that I'm not yet, even though I'm doing very well considering how long I've been practicing. I know, it's my own fault for feeling that way, but I'm constantly feeling conflicted and it's exhausting. I can barely keep the whole perspective when I'm worried about little things.
I keep telling myself that money comes in mid-January, and I just have to get through the next month and a half. It seems so far away when you aren't sure what is coming between here and there. I'll be able to pay off a lot of things and plan for the semester, making money that Matt brings in extra goodness to help get ahead instead of behind.
Please pray that Matt gets a satisfactory job at Boeing, or one that fits his mechanical inclination, independent spirit and need for health insurance. Please pray that nothing terrible happens that requires emergency funds. Please pray that the car gets top gas mileage and every dollar goes as far as it can. Pray that I do well in my classes so I can get a fantastic job faster. Please just keep us in your thoughts during this long dark winter.