Documentaries and Education
I'm feeling off. There is too much, and yet not enough going on.
I have squandered my time for this paper I have to write for a class. It is due today. The intermingle steps, like outline and abstract, were due over a week ago. At two points off per day, I wonder if it is even worth doing. So far, I have half an outline and an abstract. I had waited until we covered the topic of the paper in class, which we only finished last week. I decided on a subtopic by looking up the most accessible scholarly journals on the internet. I miss having a research library anywhere near me. I know this paper will suck and be embarrassing, but I seriously do NOT want to take this class again. That's what I hate about semester classes: they just take too much time. This paper is so trite anyway. It's not a real graduate level paper, and we might as well just regurgitate what we know about Attachment theory for him. Honestly, this whole class has been pathetic.
I have been watching documentaries about environmental and social topics on my netflix Wii (and now I, like, never watch TV). They ususally get me vamped up and I find them very emotional (how Athena of me!). I watched "Fuel" about the energy crisis, which made me immediately want to go out and trade my car in for a diesel, so I can use biodiesel and no longer be part of the problem. But then I did research, and there are hardly any biodiesel places around here, and none in my county. Not very pragmatic. I don't know how to support alternate fuels without buying them, but it has to be more realistic in order for me to do it. Then, I watched a documentary about food called "The Beautiful Truth", which is about a particular type of healing involving strict veganism that is supposed to cure Cancer. The doc followed around a 15 year old and made it sound like he was doing all this research, and his father happened to be filming his research results, interviews etc. But I suspect the boy was actually a storytelling device. It brought to my attention how tied up the FDA, EPA and other government agencies are in the very companies they are supposed to protect us from. Of course, it talked about how bad processed and GMO foods are, and I did some followup research on the dangers of MSG, fluoridated water, SLS and Parabens in cosemetics, etc.
Now, I've read Ishmael by Daniel Quinn in 11th grade, and have been upset about the proliferation of civilization ever since. But now I'm even more upset. I've tried to educate myself about our cultural assumptions, and am open to new ideas and research. I know food comes from a farm, not a store. I know monocrop fields are easy to harvest but bad for the environment and result in lousy produce with less nutrition. I know how they treat meat animals like cows and how they mistreat egg laying chickens. I know they pump up meat animals with hormones (which, duh, get into the milk) to make them grow faster and get fatter. Yet when I go to the grocery store, I still buy the cheapest cut of meat, the least expensive carton of eggs. Organic produce? I can't afford it most of the time and consider it a luxury item. I'll buy in bulk, but then wonder what the expiration date is.
I've tried to make changes. I went vegetarian, but I wasn't very good at it. People made fun of me! And I was often in situations where there was nothing else to eat for protein (and as someone who is mostly lactose intolerant, it makes large quantities of cheese out of the question). I have significantly reduced my meat consumption, and am choosing chicken, turkey or fish more often. I feel much better when I eat like this. I've had irritable bowel for most of my life, and eating vegetarian doesn't make me feel sick.
What I want to do is turn my back yard into an edible paradise. I'd read about Food Forests and permaculture and got interested in that...and then realized that I can barely grow anything in a straight line, let alone in a complex mini-ecosystem. Our yard is actually really small. Plus, I think we'll be moving soon.
That's another thing contributing to my feelings of off-ness. This internship. It's happening. it's far away, yet not really. I feel so ill-prepared for it. I've had to quit my other jobs, and have begun applying for new ones. We'll likely live up at the church for most of the week. T is moving his girlfriend here in a few weeks. I hardly know where we'll put her and her things. There's so much work that needs to be done. But T has totally stepped up. He even bought toilet paper without asking (and it's not his turn). When M comes home, I'm sure they'll do some heavy lifting to get some of the crap out of the shed. I suggested we dump it in the lower lot, or put a sign on it that says "free" and maybe someone will take it. It's pretty moldy. T suggested we put it at the abandoned neighbors house, since he's bought out property, and will be bulldozing down both of the houses anyway. Really it's all the same. Garbage doesn't go away, it just gets moved.
Camp is going well. I'm kind of enjoying hanging out and working when I can be helpful, rather than being held responsible for anything. It's hard to have M away so long. On his day off on Saturday, everyone else was excused before 11, and we stayed to do the garbage and help a friend dump his RV. Anyway, it turned into this ordeal involving possible hepatitis contamination and biohazard clean up and we didn't get out of there until almost 4. I tried not wasting our precious 18 free hours being angry, but did succumb for some of the car ride. It was like RELAX RIGHT NOW!! and who can do that? Thank the Gods it's his last week, and he won't be staying on to do the JROTC. I need him now. His priority has been camp for over a month. I miss him. I find it hard to be in two emotional places at once: my heart is with him, but I still have to do school and go to work. All this running in between, eating crappy food and sleeping in cold cabins is making me tired.
I'm glad for the money, and we have work in a week or so for the election. Plus my aunt and uncle sent me money for my birthday. AND the IRS FINALLY sent my tax rebate, almost $20 more than expected. And thank the Gods, because my school next semester charged so many fees that my rebate will be the same $20 the IRS found. At least I can buy my text books, pay down on my credit card, and have a little to pay for traveling expenses.
So maybe I celebrated by dropping a bit of money at Crescent Moon. I mostly scoured the Clearance section, and bought a book I was looking for, another book I'm totally in love with about the Goddess, a statue of Eros (half-off) and Diana (FREE!), a tank-top with a pentacle on it (at cost!), a bouncy ball with glitter swirling around inside for my office (for fun), and I totally splurged on these Goddesses of the World prayer flags. They are GORGEOUS! I'm going to put them in my office. Nothing adds to the feeling of sacredness like prayer flags. I wonder if there are any male ones I can put up for balance.
I have squandered my time for this paper I have to write for a class. It is due today. The intermingle steps, like outline and abstract, were due over a week ago. At two points off per day, I wonder if it is even worth doing. So far, I have half an outline and an abstract. I had waited until we covered the topic of the paper in class, which we only finished last week. I decided on a subtopic by looking up the most accessible scholarly journals on the internet. I miss having a research library anywhere near me. I know this paper will suck and be embarrassing, but I seriously do NOT want to take this class again. That's what I hate about semester classes: they just take too much time. This paper is so trite anyway. It's not a real graduate level paper, and we might as well just regurgitate what we know about Attachment theory for him. Honestly, this whole class has been pathetic.
I have been watching documentaries about environmental and social topics on my netflix Wii (and now I, like, never watch TV). They ususally get me vamped up and I find them very emotional (how Athena of me!). I watched "Fuel" about the energy crisis, which made me immediately want to go out and trade my car in for a diesel, so I can use biodiesel and no longer be part of the problem. But then I did research, and there are hardly any biodiesel places around here, and none in my county. Not very pragmatic. I don't know how to support alternate fuels without buying them, but it has to be more realistic in order for me to do it. Then, I watched a documentary about food called "The Beautiful Truth", which is about a particular type of healing involving strict veganism that is supposed to cure Cancer. The doc followed around a 15 year old and made it sound like he was doing all this research, and his father happened to be filming his research results, interviews etc. But I suspect the boy was actually a storytelling device. It brought to my attention how tied up the FDA, EPA and other government agencies are in the very companies they are supposed to protect us from. Of course, it talked about how bad processed and GMO foods are, and I did some followup research on the dangers of MSG, fluoridated water, SLS and Parabens in cosemetics, etc.
Now, I've read Ishmael by Daniel Quinn in 11th grade, and have been upset about the proliferation of civilization ever since. But now I'm even more upset. I've tried to educate myself about our cultural assumptions, and am open to new ideas and research. I know food comes from a farm, not a store. I know monocrop fields are easy to harvest but bad for the environment and result in lousy produce with less nutrition. I know how they treat meat animals like cows and how they mistreat egg laying chickens. I know they pump up meat animals with hormones (which, duh, get into the milk) to make them grow faster and get fatter. Yet when I go to the grocery store, I still buy the cheapest cut of meat, the least expensive carton of eggs. Organic produce? I can't afford it most of the time and consider it a luxury item. I'll buy in bulk, but then wonder what the expiration date is.
I've tried to make changes. I went vegetarian, but I wasn't very good at it. People made fun of me! And I was often in situations where there was nothing else to eat for protein (and as someone who is mostly lactose intolerant, it makes large quantities of cheese out of the question). I have significantly reduced my meat consumption, and am choosing chicken, turkey or fish more often. I feel much better when I eat like this. I've had irritable bowel for most of my life, and eating vegetarian doesn't make me feel sick.
What I want to do is turn my back yard into an edible paradise. I'd read about Food Forests and permaculture and got interested in that...and then realized that I can barely grow anything in a straight line, let alone in a complex mini-ecosystem. Our yard is actually really small. Plus, I think we'll be moving soon.
That's another thing contributing to my feelings of off-ness. This internship. It's happening. it's far away, yet not really. I feel so ill-prepared for it. I've had to quit my other jobs, and have begun applying for new ones. We'll likely live up at the church for most of the week. T is moving his girlfriend here in a few weeks. I hardly know where we'll put her and her things. There's so much work that needs to be done. But T has totally stepped up. He even bought toilet paper without asking (and it's not his turn). When M comes home, I'm sure they'll do some heavy lifting to get some of the crap out of the shed. I suggested we dump it in the lower lot, or put a sign on it that says "free" and maybe someone will take it. It's pretty moldy. T suggested we put it at the abandoned neighbors house, since he's bought out property, and will be bulldozing down both of the houses anyway. Really it's all the same. Garbage doesn't go away, it just gets moved.
Camp is going well. I'm kind of enjoying hanging out and working when I can be helpful, rather than being held responsible for anything. It's hard to have M away so long. On his day off on Saturday, everyone else was excused before 11, and we stayed to do the garbage and help a friend dump his RV. Anyway, it turned into this ordeal involving possible hepatitis contamination and biohazard clean up and we didn't get out of there until almost 4. I tried not wasting our precious 18 free hours being angry, but did succumb for some of the car ride. It was like RELAX RIGHT NOW!! and who can do that? Thank the Gods it's his last week, and he won't be staying on to do the JROTC. I need him now. His priority has been camp for over a month. I miss him. I find it hard to be in two emotional places at once: my heart is with him, but I still have to do school and go to work. All this running in between, eating crappy food and sleeping in cold cabins is making me tired.
I'm glad for the money, and we have work in a week or so for the election. Plus my aunt and uncle sent me money for my birthday. AND the IRS FINALLY sent my tax rebate, almost $20 more than expected. And thank the Gods, because my school next semester charged so many fees that my rebate will be the same $20 the IRS found. At least I can buy my text books, pay down on my credit card, and have a little to pay for traveling expenses.
So maybe I celebrated by dropping a bit of money at Crescent Moon. I mostly scoured the Clearance section, and bought a book I was looking for, another book I'm totally in love with about the Goddess, a statue of Eros (half-off) and Diana (FREE!), a tank-top with a pentacle on it (at cost!), a bouncy ball with glitter swirling around inside for my office (for fun), and I totally splurged on these Goddesses of the World prayer flags. They are GORGEOUS! I'm going to put them in my office. Nothing adds to the feeling of sacredness like prayer flags. I wonder if there are any male ones I can put up for balance.