I can has P's and Q's?
The upcoming festival always gets me thinking deeply about where I've been this last year, and I'm staggered at both my personal progress and my simultaneous stagnation. Last year, I was basically a JAFO. Although I ended up being quite busy helping others out, I spent much of the festival in an existential "why am I here" kind of attitude. Even at the time, I felt like a whiny teenager. I resolved to enjoy myself and I did. I dedicated to Hekate in the hopes that working with Her would allow me to explore my possible paths in depth, and to reveal where I was going. This year, there have been a lot of changes in the cards for me, and I'm now looking forward to an opportunity that I never could have imagined that makes me extremely happy. Imagine you have a 20 year goal--something you think you might be able to retire into if life folded out well and you played your cards right--and then imagine you could do it in only a few years. That's where I'm sitting. I've resolved to step up to it, and honor what people see in my by doing my best and learning as much as possible. Consequently, I find myself in situations far beyond my rank, and I am humbled by the opportunity while I try and honor the needs of others. I am learning a lot.
In other areas of life, things have been looking up. School is going pretty well, and after a slump in work, it looks to be picking back up. But outcome is constantly exceeding income. Today I cashed the last of the savings bonds I had. It was still $10 away from maturing completely and barely enough to fill up the gas tank. M and I will have no spending money for the weekend, despite our hopes of receiving my tax refund. A lot of things have been tied up waiting for that money to come in, and I've finally realized I can't do it by myself anymore. "Just Getting By" isn't good enough. I must get ahead. M must help.
Indeed, I think my relationship is where the largest bit of stagnation sits. I find we are caught in a cycle that I'm either too wishy-washy or too stubborn to break. I don't like the projected outcome. It's caused me a lot of anxiety and stress that I've mostly been keeping to myself as I tried to wait it out. Sometimes things don't get through to him when he's in *cough* a certain frame of mind. I tried blaming him, blaming enablers who call themselves our friends, and blaming myself. I'm sick of it. Blaming sucks. The worst part was that trying to pin the blame didn't actually solve any problems. After a talk with a friend, I was sort of falling apart at the seams. I went home to talk to M about it, begging him not to do the thing he wanted to do, and he promptly did it anyway. So I locked him the fuck out. Of course, by locking him out, I locked myself in, so who comes out ahead here? At least it initiated conversation. I fear we are going into the same pattern, but I'm not ready to bail out just yet. I suppose that makes me insane. Still, I have faith in M's character to do what he says he will do because I know he wants to be good. What I know is that I love him and want to be with him as long as I can. But conditions are not ideal at the moment, so something will have to change. I'm asking him to step up. I think this time he will. It's in the cards.
I think it really hit home today when we tried to go to the Salvation Army for help with our power bill. Despite M's mom who takes responsibility for paying this bill, it was behind over $700. We had a disconnect notice last month, and went to the SA for help. They paid most of the amount that would keep them from shutting it off. M's mom breathed a sigh of relief, but must have forgotten about it because we got a disconnect notice for this month. In an attempt to take care of ourselves, we went to the SA for help. Apparently they only help once a year. The lady grilled me like I was trying to pull one over on her, and told us the policy and offered to shred our documents. I pretty much broke at that point, and M had to basically carry me out the door--I could hardly breathe from crying so hard. I didn't know what to do. A homeless man took pity on us, and asked if we needed help. He offered to steal us food if we'd meet him down the street. Sadly, not the kind of help we need today. I'm a little soured on the SA right now (but feeling more positive about the homeless)--do you know how much money we've given them even in our hard times? No, we don't need a pastor to visit us, we need electricity thankyouverymuch.
After that, we called 1800-grandma, and she's kind enough to bring us a check to cover us so we won't get disconnected. M has promised to take care of it while I'm at work tomorrow. I know he will make it right. Also, a visit to Gmama's brought the Aunt over who is chicken-sitting for us, so we got the update and lots of eggs from our own girl. It's nice to know that Belle has a good home, and that our odd chicken is appreciated for her quirks (Belle does this little dance when she gets excited...I'll have to show it to you sometime). Anyhoo, we'll have to work on the rest of the bills after we get home.
I don't know where to cut back anymore. There's nothing to decrease. Rent is free, food is free until we run out of food stamps each month, credit card is every month, I pay for garbage, T pays for cable/internet, I pay really low rates for insurance, and I put gas in my car because I have to go to work. It's not even a lot, but it is still mathematically impossible to make it work.
So I'm going into SMF already emotionally exhausted. I feel like anything will make my cry right now. Thanks Full Moon in my 4th house! With my level of responsibility, I know I'll likely have a lot to deal with. If everyone let's everyone do their job, I think things will be find. But I feel that lots of things are coming to a head and are about to get messy.
My goal for SMF? Survival. Gods. I'm not even packed yet.
In other areas of life, things have been looking up. School is going pretty well, and after a slump in work, it looks to be picking back up. But outcome is constantly exceeding income. Today I cashed the last of the savings bonds I had. It was still $10 away from maturing completely and barely enough to fill up the gas tank. M and I will have no spending money for the weekend, despite our hopes of receiving my tax refund. A lot of things have been tied up waiting for that money to come in, and I've finally realized I can't do it by myself anymore. "Just Getting By" isn't good enough. I must get ahead. M must help.
Indeed, I think my relationship is where the largest bit of stagnation sits. I find we are caught in a cycle that I'm either too wishy-washy or too stubborn to break. I don't like the projected outcome. It's caused me a lot of anxiety and stress that I've mostly been keeping to myself as I tried to wait it out. Sometimes things don't get through to him when he's in *cough* a certain frame of mind. I tried blaming him, blaming enablers who call themselves our friends, and blaming myself. I'm sick of it. Blaming sucks. The worst part was that trying to pin the blame didn't actually solve any problems. After a talk with a friend, I was sort of falling apart at the seams. I went home to talk to M about it, begging him not to do the thing he wanted to do, and he promptly did it anyway. So I locked him the fuck out. Of course, by locking him out, I locked myself in, so who comes out ahead here? At least it initiated conversation. I fear we are going into the same pattern, but I'm not ready to bail out just yet. I suppose that makes me insane. Still, I have faith in M's character to do what he says he will do because I know he wants to be good. What I know is that I love him and want to be with him as long as I can. But conditions are not ideal at the moment, so something will have to change. I'm asking him to step up. I think this time he will. It's in the cards.
I think it really hit home today when we tried to go to the Salvation Army for help with our power bill. Despite M's mom who takes responsibility for paying this bill, it was behind over $700. We had a disconnect notice last month, and went to the SA for help. They paid most of the amount that would keep them from shutting it off. M's mom breathed a sigh of relief, but must have forgotten about it because we got a disconnect notice for this month. In an attempt to take care of ourselves, we went to the SA for help. Apparently they only help once a year. The lady grilled me like I was trying to pull one over on her, and told us the policy and offered to shred our documents. I pretty much broke at that point, and M had to basically carry me out the door--I could hardly breathe from crying so hard. I didn't know what to do. A homeless man took pity on us, and asked if we needed help. He offered to steal us food if we'd meet him down the street. Sadly, not the kind of help we need today. I'm a little soured on the SA right now (but feeling more positive about the homeless)--do you know how much money we've given them even in our hard times? No, we don't need a pastor to visit us, we need electricity thankyouverymuch.
After that, we called 1800-grandma, and she's kind enough to bring us a check to cover us so we won't get disconnected. M has promised to take care of it while I'm at work tomorrow. I know he will make it right. Also, a visit to Gmama's brought the Aunt over who is chicken-sitting for us, so we got the update and lots of eggs from our own girl. It's nice to know that Belle has a good home, and that our odd chicken is appreciated for her quirks (Belle does this little dance when she gets excited...I'll have to show it to you sometime). Anyhoo, we'll have to work on the rest of the bills after we get home.
I don't know where to cut back anymore. There's nothing to decrease. Rent is free, food is free until we run out of food stamps each month, credit card is every month, I pay for garbage, T pays for cable/internet, I pay really low rates for insurance, and I put gas in my car because I have to go to work. It's not even a lot, but it is still mathematically impossible to make it work.
So I'm going into SMF already emotionally exhausted. I feel like anything will make my cry right now. Thanks Full Moon in my 4th house! With my level of responsibility, I know I'll likely have a lot to deal with. If everyone let's everyone do their job, I think things will be find. But I feel that lots of things are coming to a head and are about to get messy.
My goal for SMF? Survival. Gods. I'm not even packed yet.