HSF report
We are back from Sickle! Was it fun? Not exactly. Would I go next year? I wouldn't miss it.
I was a clan clergy for Finoulla (I can't spell it!). Working with Shelby was a pleasure. I've always admired her and it was lovely to get to know her and Scotty a little bit. Her shrine and her scene were beautiful, and I'm grateful to have had a small hand in it. She was just the Godform I needed right now. Her lesson was about taking in your experiences and making them a part of you, not being a victim or survivor of thigns that happen to you. It feels like the capstone to my story of sexual abuse--an experience I thought I would never get over or move past.
I cried at Lir's scene and Aifa the Grey's. I'm not sure why. I was just moved by their stories. We really were the trail of tears.
I left some things in the underworld. I hope they stay there.
Skyclad was good, though the room was too cold and uncomfortable. I wish I'd gotten a chair to sit in--my feet were KILLING me! I love the loose and natural style of Sylvan Grove--quite contrasted to the ATC uniformed and memorized public presentation. M said he didn't care for it too much, but he didn't really say why, so I'll have to probe him for more information and thought.
In all honesty, this festival hit me harder this year than it ever has. My Sister tianas_knife lost a lot of family. I was really glad I could be there for her during the Rite of Release. And for Sydney, although I don't think she knew it was me. And could get kleenex for Debbie. I didn't lose anyone this year, but I lost a lot of possibilities. Yet at the Rite I wasn't mourning them--I was mourning for the community. So many people died this year. Few people had only one candle to throw in. Most had two or three--some had six. I felt like I was pulling out their grief and grounding it, but some of it got stuck in me. I was exhausted by the end of the Rite.
This year, I didn't feel like I was "acting" as clergy, but that I AM clergy. A lot of people came up and thanked me for being their priestess--not their leader or guide. That meant a lot to me. And I did it by being my true self (the not-shy one). I felt really loving and open. I was ready to take care of them and help them take care of themselves. Of course I had like, the best clan ever. They had a lot of loss, but they really supported each other. e_man and andi_sunrider were extremely supportive of my role, helping me keep folks herded and organized, and I was truly grateful for their help (really! Thank you!).
I got a new cord! It's green and pretty! And a handful of new beads (I think I'm missing a public presentation bead, so I'll have to contact Debbie about that). It seemed like I got a lot of applause when she called my name. Getting recognized in the community was really good. I guess I have made a difference. I was hoping M would get his membership cord, but it had been too soon (he's only been involved for six months, really, but he should get one for being on staff at HSF this year).
This was the first year I felt like I belonged. We drumed on the Ferry (those poor Fairies! Having to carry all those people! Next year: Pegasus!). We chanted and danced--it was so much fun! I started a few chants or songs, and again I felt like a priestess because I was working with that energy. Doing it in public was amazing. And we didn't get yelled at! The boat captain was really sarcastic when we were getting off, though. He was like "ok, now you should be getting back to your cars...now you should be in your vehicle. Finish what you are doing and return to your vehicles". It was very funny.
After the ferry, we followed folks to the Dennys in Mt. Vernon (after thinking it was in Burlington). It was good to hang out with folks and ground with food. I definately had the shakes. It was kind of a silly journey getting there, and keeping f_o_a_d informed of where we were going, and how to get there, etc. since she was in a different vehicle. We had the funniest time. We kept saying things like "this trip has gone to shit...now it's gone to fuck!" It eventually culminated in "this trip has gone to AIDS!". That still makes me laugh. There's a moment I'll remember a long time. But M and I were grateful to be in our own car and master of our own Destiny again. We're kind of thinking for SMF maybe we'll drive ourselves. Only because we like to be in control. ;-)
M was in a bad mood when we got home. I think it was exhaustion and because he was tired, he couldn't finish processing the lessons he'd experienced. So we stayed up late into the night talking about issues I thought were long buried. Note to self: M doesn't easily forget being hurt. He head to get up early and work in the morning, but seemed in a good enough mood when he called later to check in. He appologised for being so cranky. It was good to talk about things though. And he feels good making money for us.
So when I got to the site, I realized that my "good" boots had cracks in the soles, and my feet were soaking wet and cold very quickly. I thought it would be a miserable festival, but tianas_knife came to the rescue and actually bought me some rubber boots! She's so sweet! I'm hoping to pay her back soon, somehow, for them. It was a simple guesture, but it showed me that I can count on my friends as family, and that I don't have to suffer just because I don't have money or I wasn't as prepared as I thought. I'm grateful for her charity, but also her friendhsip and love.
Also, I didn't feel that the tech crew got appreciated enough. They put up lights and the veil and made sure we had props...THANK YOU! I appreciate you even if others forgot. Maybe it's cuz you three did such a great job that it seemed to happen by magic. Hmm.
And on the way home, M and I got Pomegranate 7up. Let the SMF season begin!
I don't know if I will be involved in Sickle next year. I may need a break. But I may get to next August and find that I just want to be involved. I kind of want to spend more time doing public presentation of ritual, but I can't afford the time/gas to do both when there is festival rehersal.
f_o_a_d is off to Portland. I'm going to miss her. :(
I was also grateful to talk to Bella, if even just for a little while. She said I'd grown a lot. She gave me permission to steam forward with my Seminary work (which I needed, because I'm not getting much cooperation, and it would be much easier to just do it myself--with input from others, of course). I'm going to try and help her get into college. I have every confidance in her ability to succeed there, and it won't cost her anything because she has GI Bill (colleges like that!). It will be a long journey for her, but I hope I can guide her along the way. It's the least I can do after all she's done for me.
I got called about substituting an extra day later in the week. I also got mildly chewed out for not dressing professionally. I wore jeans (which teachers there are allowed to wear, but apparently not substitutes) and a sweatshirt (which, actually, is my coat, and I had a nice shirt on underneath it), and I guess my hair wasn't clean (organic shampoo may make it look that way--also, I think it was raining that day, so maybe it was just wet!!). I'm annoyed because it has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with my ability to teach. The kids don't care what I wear. Besides, I was only at that school for TWO HOURS that day, so, honestly, who the fuck cares? I 've been instructed to give a little time between taking another job at that school, and to dress better in the future. I really don't understand this obsession with dressing well. Also, I think it is classist to expect people to dress a certain way. My jeans weren't dirty, or falling down my ass or anything. Honestly, I look sexier in my slacks because they make by b'donk stand out. And I refuse to wear make-up to work just because I am a woman. I hate double standards. It just seems pointless to get repremanded on something so trivial as what pants I chose to wear that morning.
I was a clan clergy for Finoulla (I can't spell it!). Working with Shelby was a pleasure. I've always admired her and it was lovely to get to know her and Scotty a little bit. Her shrine and her scene were beautiful, and I'm grateful to have had a small hand in it. She was just the Godform I needed right now. Her lesson was about taking in your experiences and making them a part of you, not being a victim or survivor of thigns that happen to you. It feels like the capstone to my story of sexual abuse--an experience I thought I would never get over or move past.
I cried at Lir's scene and Aifa the Grey's. I'm not sure why. I was just moved by their stories. We really were the trail of tears.
I left some things in the underworld. I hope they stay there.
Skyclad was good, though the room was too cold and uncomfortable. I wish I'd gotten a chair to sit in--my feet were KILLING me! I love the loose and natural style of Sylvan Grove--quite contrasted to the ATC uniformed and memorized public presentation. M said he didn't care for it too much, but he didn't really say why, so I'll have to probe him for more information and thought.
In all honesty, this festival hit me harder this year than it ever has. My Sister tianas_knife lost a lot of family. I was really glad I could be there for her during the Rite of Release. And for Sydney, although I don't think she knew it was me. And could get kleenex for Debbie. I didn't lose anyone this year, but I lost a lot of possibilities. Yet at the Rite I wasn't mourning them--I was mourning for the community. So many people died this year. Few people had only one candle to throw in. Most had two or three--some had six. I felt like I was pulling out their grief and grounding it, but some of it got stuck in me. I was exhausted by the end of the Rite.
This year, I didn't feel like I was "acting" as clergy, but that I AM clergy. A lot of people came up and thanked me for being their priestess--not their leader or guide. That meant a lot to me. And I did it by being my true self (the not-shy one). I felt really loving and open. I was ready to take care of them and help them take care of themselves. Of course I had like, the best clan ever. They had a lot of loss, but they really supported each other. e_man and andi_sunrider were extremely supportive of my role, helping me keep folks herded and organized, and I was truly grateful for their help (really! Thank you!).
I got a new cord! It's green and pretty! And a handful of new beads (I think I'm missing a public presentation bead, so I'll have to contact Debbie about that). It seemed like I got a lot of applause when she called my name. Getting recognized in the community was really good. I guess I have made a difference. I was hoping M would get his membership cord, but it had been too soon (he's only been involved for six months, really, but he should get one for being on staff at HSF this year).
This was the first year I felt like I belonged. We drumed on the Ferry (those poor Fairies! Having to carry all those people! Next year: Pegasus!). We chanted and danced--it was so much fun! I started a few chants or songs, and again I felt like a priestess because I was working with that energy. Doing it in public was amazing. And we didn't get yelled at! The boat captain was really sarcastic when we were getting off, though. He was like "ok, now you should be getting back to your cars...now you should be in your vehicle. Finish what you are doing and return to your vehicles". It was very funny.
After the ferry, we followed folks to the Dennys in Mt. Vernon (after thinking it was in Burlington). It was good to hang out with folks and ground with food. I definately had the shakes. It was kind of a silly journey getting there, and keeping f_o_a_d informed of where we were going, and how to get there, etc. since she was in a different vehicle. We had the funniest time. We kept saying things like "this trip has gone to shit...now it's gone to fuck!" It eventually culminated in "this trip has gone to AIDS!". That still makes me laugh. There's a moment I'll remember a long time. But M and I were grateful to be in our own car and master of our own Destiny again. We're kind of thinking for SMF maybe we'll drive ourselves. Only because we like to be in control. ;-)
M was in a bad mood when we got home. I think it was exhaustion and because he was tired, he couldn't finish processing the lessons he'd experienced. So we stayed up late into the night talking about issues I thought were long buried. Note to self: M doesn't easily forget being hurt. He head to get up early and work in the morning, but seemed in a good enough mood when he called later to check in. He appologised for being so cranky. It was good to talk about things though. And he feels good making money for us.
So when I got to the site, I realized that my "good" boots had cracks in the soles, and my feet were soaking wet and cold very quickly. I thought it would be a miserable festival, but tianas_knife came to the rescue and actually bought me some rubber boots! She's so sweet! I'm hoping to pay her back soon, somehow, for them. It was a simple guesture, but it showed me that I can count on my friends as family, and that I don't have to suffer just because I don't have money or I wasn't as prepared as I thought. I'm grateful for her charity, but also her friendhsip and love.
Also, I didn't feel that the tech crew got appreciated enough. They put up lights and the veil and made sure we had props...THANK YOU! I appreciate you even if others forgot. Maybe it's cuz you three did such a great job that it seemed to happen by magic. Hmm.
And on the way home, M and I got Pomegranate 7up. Let the SMF season begin!
I don't know if I will be involved in Sickle next year. I may need a break. But I may get to next August and find that I just want to be involved. I kind of want to spend more time doing public presentation of ritual, but I can't afford the time/gas to do both when there is festival rehersal.
f_o_a_d is off to Portland. I'm going to miss her. :(
I was also grateful to talk to Bella, if even just for a little while. She said I'd grown a lot. She gave me permission to steam forward with my Seminary work (which I needed, because I'm not getting much cooperation, and it would be much easier to just do it myself--with input from others, of course). I'm going to try and help her get into college. I have every confidance in her ability to succeed there, and it won't cost her anything because she has GI Bill (colleges like that!). It will be a long journey for her, but I hope I can guide her along the way. It's the least I can do after all she's done for me.
I got called about substituting an extra day later in the week. I also got mildly chewed out for not dressing professionally. I wore jeans (which teachers there are allowed to wear, but apparently not substitutes) and a sweatshirt (which, actually, is my coat, and I had a nice shirt on underneath it), and I guess my hair wasn't clean (organic shampoo may make it look that way--also, I think it was raining that day, so maybe it was just wet!!). I'm annoyed because it has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with my ability to teach. The kids don't care what I wear. Besides, I was only at that school for TWO HOURS that day, so, honestly, who the fuck cares? I 've been instructed to give a little time between taking another job at that school, and to dress better in the future. I really don't understand this obsession with dressing well. Also, I think it is classist to expect people to dress a certain way. My jeans weren't dirty, or falling down my ass or anything. Honestly, I look sexier in my slacks because they make by b'donk stand out. And I refuse to wear make-up to work just because I am a woman. I hate double standards. It just seems pointless to get repremanded on something so trivial as what pants I chose to wear that morning.