Thunder and Lightning
TITLE: Thunder and Lightning
AUTHOR: giveitupjessica
PAIRING: 2min
RATING: PG-15? (suggestive material)
GENRE: angst, romance, songfic, Oneshot!
SUMMARY: See when the rain falls on my window/ And the thunder crash on my ceiling/ It brings back the utmost feeling/ Of the day I saw you leaving/ Now anytime I see your picture/ Think about being with you
A/N: So this is a one shot inspired by Brutha's "Be With You" I have fallen in love with this song again. ^_^ Sorry for the rather long oneshot. haha. Hope you enjoy it though. And if it's a complete fail... oh well. Oh and I started working on a new fic, but I'm definitely not able to just go with the flow like I did with Call Me Up, this one is going to be a pain in the ass, I can already tell. I apologize for any mistakes. I didn't go through my normal editing process with this one. Comments are always loved!
THUNDER AND LIGHTNING
I sat on the windowsill just staring outside, the same worn out picture rested in between my fingers. It started to become a habit of mine since that day. Whenever it started to rain, I’d always find myself on this windowsill never realizing how my feet would automatically drag me there. I’d take that picture out of my wallet, never really looking at it as I just held it in my hands and stared out the window. The picture was all too familiar to me; I didn’t need to look at it because the image was forever imprinted into my brain. And no matter how hard I tried, it never faded or faltered. It was always clear as the day the photo was taken. I brought my long legs up to rest on the small space that the windowsill provided and leaned my head back. The coolness of the window contradicting the warmth I felt from the rest of the room.
I watched as the rain started to pick up and violently slam against the window in front of me. It wouldn’t be long before thunder and lightening would join the falling drops of water. My heart started to ache a little more and I knew that I shouldn’t be sitting here. I shouldn’t keep putting myself through this every single time it rained. I was beginning to think I was becoming a sadist. But in some weird and twisted way, this was the closest I could get to you. And all I wanted was to be with you. If this was the only way, I’ll take it. So I took a deep breath and waited for the memory to come back like it always did. I waited for the familiar pain to slowly creep back into my heart as I closed my eyes and rested my forehead on the window.
*~*
I saw you jump a little at the sound of thunder outside. I knew how much you hated it, but I couldn’t help but smile to myself. You would always snuggle closer to me whenever you saw the flash of light knowing what was coming next. I never quite understood why you were so scared of thunder and lightning, but I never complained because it gave me a reason to pull you closer to me. It gave me a reason to tighten the embrace I held you in. And with every sound of thunder, we’d get that much closer.
But tonight was different. I had noticed it the moment you got back to the dorm. There was a vibe around you that I wasn’t familiar with. You looked at me with an unreadable expression and turned away without saying a single word to me. Had I done something wrong? I tried to think back on the past couple of days, but came up with nothing.
We hadn’t had the chance to spend that much time together since our comeback. But when we did, I made sure that we were able to completely enjoy ourselves without worrying about what was in store for us the next day. I made sure that we were able to just live in the few hours we had to ourselves. When we were together we were just Minho and Taemin, not SHINee’s Flaming Charisma and beloved Maknae. We didn’t argue once, neither one of us wanting to waste what little time we had. So why were you giving me the cold shoulder all of a sudden?
I quickly followed you into the room that you shared with Key and Onew and closed the door behind me so we could have some privacy. The room was dark except for the little bit of moonlight streaming in from the window. I didn’t bother to switch on the light, afraid of what I might see if I did. Your back was towards me as you stood in front of the window. Now I knew that something wasn’t right. You made it a point to be as far away from any type of window or glass door when the weather was like this.
I took a few hesitant steps towards you when I saw the first lightning flash illuminate your face for a brief second. And my instinct that something wasn’t right was confirmed. There was no expression on your face. It was completely numb. But I could still see the traces of the tears that I knew were probably falling before I had entered the room. My heart and my head were pulling me in two different directions. My head told me to turn around and leave the room. I knew that I wasn’t going to like what would happen if I stayed in the room further. My heart, on the other hand, was telling me to rush over to you and comfort you. It was telling me to go over there and wipe away any signs that you were crying with my fingers. To hold you close and tell you that everything was going to be alright. Tell you that whatever it was not to worry because I would make it all better. Just stop crying.
Another flash of light came at the exact moment that another tear slipped out of your eye and cascaded down your smooth cheek. And that’s all it took for me to rush over to you, throwing away all common sense I had. Completely disregarding the gut feeling I had that something bad was about to happen. All I could see was you. All I could see was the pain you were going through. What I felt didn’t matter to me anymore. I just wanted to make sure you were okay.
You involuntarily jumped back into my waiting arms as the boom of thunder came not too long after that small flash of lightning. I don’t know why, but holding you didn’t feel right. Something was off, but I quickly pushed that thought aside and wrapped my arms around your shoulders and held you close. I was probably just imagining all of this.
We stood there in silence. Both of us just watching the rain fall outside the window not knowing what to say. But with every sound of thunder I unconsciously pulled you closer to me. I just couldn’t shake the feeling that something wasn’t quite right though. I’ve never felt this awkwardness when I held you before, not even when we first started to have feelings for each other. It always just felt right to hold you like this, but tonight that feeling wasn’t there. Not even a hint of it was there. It was almost like I was holding a complete stranger instead of the man I have been in love with for the past 2 years.
I slowly and reluctantly let my arms fall from your shoulders. And it scared me when you didn’t protest like you normally would. Instead you turned to face me and took a step back. A step away from me and that’s when I began to feel a small crack form in my heart.
I searched your face for any signs of what was to come, but found nothing. Even your eyes that were normally full of life and happiness, were completely void of any emotions. I watched as you wrapped your arms around yourself and turned your gaze to the floor.
“Taeminnie? What’s wrong?”
Silence. You didn’t even look up at me, just continued to stare at the ground. I took a step towards you and the crack in my heart got bigger as I saw you take two steps away from me.
“If you don’t tell me what’s wrong, I can’t fix it,” I say trying to hold back the tears that were beginning to form in my own eyes, “Unless…”
“I don’t want you to fix it. You can’t fix it anyways,” you finished for me, eyes still on the ground.
“I don’t…” I was at a complete loss for words. I never thought that you would say that. You always wanted me to fix things, no matter how big or small.
“It’s not something that can be fixed.”
“What are--?” for some reason I couldn’t form sentences or complete my thoughts. I was in complete and utter shock. The pain in my chest was slowly starting to grow. The crack getting bigger and bigger as the seconds passed of you not looking at me.
“We shouldn’t be doing this anymore. I can’t do this anymore.”
“I don’t--”
“It’s simple really. If we can’t be together 100%, I’d rather not be together at all.”
I stared at you in confusion. What were you talking about? I have never once not put my all into this relationship. I knew how much you meant to me and didn’t want to do anything to jeopardize it. I loved you too much to take what we had lightly. I thought you knew that. I thought I showed you that. We remained silent for what seemed like hours. I continued to stare at you and you continued to stare at the floor.
“What do you mean?” I finally ask.
“I hate that our relationship has to be a secret. I hate that SM forces us to keep our love for each other hidden. I hate that I can’t hold your hand in public or curl into your arms when it’s freezing outside. I hate that every look, touch, and embrace we share in front of the cameras is degraded to nothing but fan service. When I know it’s far from that,” you were finally looking at me and I watched as your tears fell in rhythm to the rain outside.
“Taeminnie, I hate it too, but…”
“No! It’s not fair. Do you know how much it hurts every single time I need to watch you flirt with the SNSD noonas or f(x)? It damn near tears me apart even though I know it’s nothing more than part of our job. I can’t take it anymore. Especially since you seem fine with it all. It doesn’t seem to bother you that we can’t be open about how we feel about it each other. It’s like you’re ashamed of me. Ashamed of your love for me. Of my love for you.”
“Taeminnie!” I gasp, “How can you even begin to think that?! You know how I feel about you. I’ve told you countless times. I show you every time we I kiss and hug you. Ever time we make love, I try to let you know just how much I love you. How can you possibly think that I’m ashamed of what we have?”
“Because you just roll with what SM tells us. You don’t back away when one of the noonas start to flirt with you like I do. You don’t go out of your way to touch me or whisper something pointless to me in front of everyone like I do. I try my best to do whatever I can to hint to the world that what people suspect is true. That you and me are in love. I don’t want SM to control our relationship, but you seem fine with it.”
“And the only reason why I’m okay with it is because they’re letting us be together. Sure we have to hide it, but I’d rather have something with you behind closed doors than nothing at all.”
“There it is right there,” you yell, “That’s why I think you’re ashamed of me. Why can’t we be vocal about what we have? There’s already a big community of people who support 2min as they call it. What’s the big deal if we let their wish come true? Why does it have to always be behind closed doors?”
“Taeminnie,” I gather the strength to step towards you again.
“No! Don’t. Come. Near. Me.” you say as you shake your head and wipe the tears from your eyes.
“I just don’t understand. I’ll take whatever I can as long as I can be with you.”
“Well then call me selfish because I can’t do that. It breaks me heart everyday knowing that the moment we step foot out of this apartment there is no ‘we.’ Me and you are just SHINee’s Taemin and Minho. We’re just friends or worst brothers. It’s like every morning we break up and every night we make up only to have the cycle repeat itself the next day. And the next day. And the next day. I just can’t… I can’t live like this anymore. I can’t keep getting my heart broken every morning, only to try to piece it back together at night. I’m not as strong as you Minho.”
I was beginning to understand where you were coming from. I knew deep down that you were never okay with us having to keep our relationship a secret from everyone but the company and our band mates. I just always thought you were like me. That you would take it as long as you got to be with me. I should’ve known better though because you’re probably the most passionate person I know. And there’s little that can be done to hide that passion. I just wish I knew what to say to make you change your mind because I knew that your mind was already made up. And once your mind is made up, there’s no use in trying to persuade you otherwise. But why does it have to be like this is all I wanted to ask you. Why does it have to be all or nothing?
“So like I said, if I can’t have you 100%, I’d rather not have you at all. It hurts too much,” you grab at your chest as the tears begin to fall again, “Doing this hurts too much.”
“Then stop. Don’t go any further. Don’t reach the point of no return. Let’s just leave this room and pretend like this, all of this, never happened. Let’s go back to what we were before I followed you into this room.”
“As much as I want to Minho. As much as my heart is yelling at me and telling me I’m an idiot for doing this. I can’t. I can’t keep going through that cycle day in and day out. I want more from this relationship, but it’s not going to happen. I know that we have the potential to be something great. But we’re never together. I mean I know we’re always around each other, but we’re never together the way I want us to be together. Except for a few stolen moments here and there.”
“Please,” I know I don’t have to finish the sentence because he knows exactly what I mean and exactly how I feel.
“I thought I’d be able to handle this, but it just got harder and harder with each passing day. And it’s all because I found myself falling for you more and more. That’s why I can’t accept this almost sham of a relationship that we have. We deserve better. We deserve the chance to see just how great we can be together. But we’re never going to get that. So what’s the point in staying where we are with nowhere to go? Confined to a hole with no escape?”
“Taemin--” you cut me off before I could finish.
“We’re only going to hurt each other in the end. And I know the last thing we want to do is hurt each other. So let’s end this before it gets to that point. Let’s stop this pain now before we get drawn in anymore.”
That’s when I knew there was nothing I could or do say to change your mind. The look you gave me told me all I needed to know. It was nice that you finally let your guard down and let your emotions show in every line of your face. There was sadness, disappointment, despair, anger, and love. There was always love in your face. Whenever you were looking at me, it was always there. I just wish those other emotions weren’t there to taint it.
I watched as you wiped those last few stray tears from your face and began to make your way for the door. I watched your every step, hoping and praying you would stop. That your passion would get the best of you and you’d come running back into my arms saying you’re sorry for being so stupid. Telling me that you loved me and didn’t mean anything you just said.
But you never came back. You didn’t even turn around once to look at me as you left the room. And before I knew it, I was left alone. For the first time in my life I jumped at the sound of thunder. The sound that seemed to make everything final. The sound of my heart breaking into a millions of pieces.
*~*
I clutch at my chest and let out a deep sigh. Even though this wasn’t the first time I’ve experienced this, it still hurt every single time. And instead of becoming numb to the pain as it keeps happening, it hurts so much more whenever it happens. I watched as my breath fogged up the window in front of me as it quickened. I didn’t know how much more of this I was going to be able to handle. Even though you said I was strong, I’m really not. Not when it comes to you. That’s why I have to leave. That’s why I need to get out of the place that causes me the most pain.
I manage to tear myself away from the window and walk over to your bed one last time. I scan the bed, the image of you curled up in your sheets with a sweet smile on your face floods my thoughts. So many nights I’ve climbed into this bed or was pulled into this bed by you whenever you felt lonely or just wanted to be near me. So many mornings of me waking up with you snuggled into my chest. I absentmindedly wipe away the tears I didn’t know were falling from my eyes. I drop the picture on your pillow and release a long sigh. And then I walk out of that room one last time.
I walked to our door, not letting myself look back as I picked up the bags I had placed there earlier. I grabbed the envelop out of the side pocket and placed it on the table beside me. Manager hyung and I had planned it this way. We planned that I would leave when everyone was out either on a schedule or just to dinner. It was better this way. It was easier this way. Less painful for me. Less of a chance that I would back out and stay instead. But even though no one was here to stop me, it was still hard for me to open that door. It was hard for me not to hope that someone will pop out of nowhere and stop me. That you would come out of that room and wrap your arms around my waist telling me not to leave. Because if you did, I would’ve stayed in a heartbeat. All I needed was for you to tell me to stay. That’s all it took. But you weren’t there. No one was.
I lifted my hand and shakily placed it on the door handle. With one last deep breath, I opened it and left. Again, I willed myself not to look back as I got further and further away from the place I had called home for a good portion of my life. I kept telling myself that this was for the best.
I wasn’t leaving the band. I would never do that to you guys. You’re like my family. The last thing I want to do is break us up. I just couldn’t stay in that place anymore. There were too many memories that haunted me everywhere I turned. The pain was becoming unbearable.
Things were never the same after that night. No matter what there was this weird tension whenever we were in the same room together. A tension that made everyone around us uncomfortable. One that everyone noticed, but was too afraid to bring up or do anything about it. I couldn’t keep putting Onew, Key, and Jonghyun through that. It wasn’t fair for them to have to feel the aftermath of our break up. Our dorm no longer really felt like a home because of it.
So one day I sat down with Manager hyung and we talked about it. We talked about everything. I cried a lot, which surprised him since he had never seen me cry like that before. He did his best to comfort me, but it was more like awkward pats and empty promises that everything will be okay in time. I told him that I couldn’t live there anymore. I couldn’t live with the pain that came with seeing you everyday. He began to freak out thinking that I was quitting the band, but I assured him that that wasn’t the case at all. I knew how to keep my professional and personal lives separate. It was just getting hard to separate the two at the dorm. The next day we went to the company and they agreed to let me move out into a place of my own. I knew it was because they were afraid that I’d quit if they didn’t give in. Which to be honest, I just might have.
Within the next few days, they had found me an apartment not too far away and I slowly began to move my stuff there. I didn’t want it to be so obvious, so I started to take little things here and there. Things that none of you would notice were gone. I didn’t have to worry about anything big like furniture because the company had taken care of all of that. I just had to worry about my personal stuff. It took about a week to move everything so that all that was left was my clothes.
Manager hyung wanted me to tell you guys, but I couldn’t. I knew that if I did, you all would do whatever you could to make me change my mind. To make me stay. And knowing the state I was in, I probably would have been easy to convince. I told him not to worry though, that I had already prepared a letter explaining everything. I made sure that you guys would know it was my decision alone and not that of our manager or our company.
So here I am. In my new cold and empty apartment. Alone. Alone and in pain. I hope I’m doing the right thing.
*~*
The sound of my cell phone going off wakes me from the dreamless sleep I was having on my couch. I grumble as I pull it out of my pocket and check the display even though I knew who it would be. I didn’t want to deal with it right now though. I didn’t want to deal with any of it. I just wanted to curl up in a ball and be left alone. But I knew he wasn’t going to let me. I knew he was going to keep calling me every minute until I answered. So why not save both him and me the trouble and just pick up the phone?
“YAH! CHOI MINHO! WHAT THE FUCK?!” he screamed as I pulled the phone away from my ear.
“No need to yell. I can hear you just fine,” I mumble.
“Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t march right on over there and drag your ass back home.”
“You don’t know where I live?”
“Well…” I knew I had him there. How could he drag me home when he didn’t know where I was to begin with, “I can find out you know. I have my ways.”
“Find me if you can. Until then, I’m not coming back,” I was about to hang up when he caught my attention.
“Look, don’t do this,” he says with sincerity, “Don’t do this to him. He’s hurting too you know.”
“Don’t you think I know that Key? Don’t you think I see that every single time I look at him? I know he’s hurting, but I’m hurting too. I think it’s better that I’m not there. How are we supposed to get better when we have to constantly be around each other? Me moving out will give us both the space that we need. Give us both the time to try and heal the wounds instead of constantly having them ripped open again and again day in and day out. It’ll give us the time to deal with the pain and hopefully be able to let it go.”
There was silence on the other end and I would have thought he had hung up had it not been for his steady breathing, “I just don’t see why you had to go to this extreme and why you couldn’t just tell us. We had to come home to an empty dorm and no trace of you but a stupid letter. Which by the way you could’ve put in a more visible place, we didn’t even know it was there until an hour after we came back. We had thought you just ran away. We were hurt that you would just leave without so much as a good bye to any of us.”
“Look I’m sorry. I couldn’t tell you guys though because I know what would have happened. You would’ve done whatever you could to convince me to stay. And eventually I would have given in and stayed. But I couldn’t let that happen. I know I’m being selfish, but if there were ever a time for me to be selfish, I think it would be now. I just need time. That’s all I ask for.”
“So what you’re saying is that there is nothing any of us could say or do to make you come back home. Nothing at all?”
“Yes,” I lied. All I needed was to hear you say “Come home” and I would’ve came running, “This is for the best.”
“If you say so. Take care of yourself alright?”
“Key, you’re acting like I’m no longer part of the band. I just moved out, I’ll still see you for all our schedules. We just won’t be going back to the same home.”
“It feels like you’ve left the band though,” he whispered in response. I didn’t know what to say to this so I kept my mouth shut and just listened to his breathing on the other end of the line.
“You better get some rest,” he finally said, “We have an early morning tomorrow. Manager hyung said the van will come and pick you up first before it comes to get the rest of us.”
“Okay. Night.”
“Night.”
*~*
I would be lying to myself if I said this was making everything easier for me. If anything it was harder. At least back at the dorm I had three other guys to keep me company. But here, I’m all alone. The only thing to keep me company was my thoughts and memories. And most of the memories that decided to keep me company whenever I was here were memories with you in them.
I thought being here would give me a chance to mend my heart. I was wrong. If anything my heart was beyond repair now. I could see that it wasn’t getting easier for you either. You did little to hide the pain you were feeling now and it just pained me even more.
I brought my legs up to my chest and hugged them. It was raining again tonight, probably one of the worst storms we’ve had in awhile. And there I was sitting next to the glass door that leads out to my balcony, staring out at the rain. I guess old habits really do die hard.
I was brought out of my misery by my cell phone. I reached over to the couch and grabbed it without taking my eyes off of the water that was splattering on the glass in front of me.
“Hello?” I automatically said as I brought it up to my ear.
“Minho?” a frantic voice answered me.
“Hm?” the wind was beginning to pick and it was only a matter of seconds before the first flash of lightning appeared.
“Minho?! Are you even listening to what I’m saying?”
“Huh? What?” I must have zoned out.
“Taemin.”
“What about him?”
“Is he with you?”
“No, why?” and here comes the thunder. It was particularly loud tonight. I began to count the seconds in between the lightning and the thunder. One one thousand, two one thousand, three one thousand, four one thousand, five one thousand, six one thousand. The storm was about a mile away. That’s pretty close. I wonder how you’re handling it.
“MINHO!”
“WHAT?!” I reply. I completely forgot that I was on the phone.
“Now is not the time to go off into LaLa Land. Taemin is missing!”
“What?!” I jump up from the floor, “What do you mean he’s missing?”
“I mean he’s not here. No one knows where he is. No one has seen him. We tried his phone, but it’s not in service. We were all wishing that he was with you, but since he’s not. We have no idea where else he could be. Onew hyung and Jonghyun hyung just left to go look for him.”
“And what about you?”
“I’m staying here just in case he comes home.”
I look outside again. You must be scared being out there alone, “Are you sure absolutely no one knows where he is?”
“I’m positive. The three of us have spent the last hour calling every person and place we can think of and nothing. Minho, I’m worried. You know how he hates storms.”
“I know.”
“Do you have any idea where he could have gone? Any idea whatsoever?”
“No,” but then with the flash of lightning came the image of that picture and I suddenly had a feeling.
“Minho, what are we going to do?”
“Just try to stay calm Key. I’m gonna go out and look for him too. Call me the minute you hear anything okay?” I run around my apartment, grabbing my shoes, jacket, ipod, and my over the ear headphones. (Think of the yellow ones he’s wearing in the picture of him, Key, and Onew. Where Key is pulling the cord.)
“Okay. Be careful though!”
“I will,” with that I hang up the phone and rush out of my apartment. If my gut was right, I knew exactly where to find you.
I curse myself for forgetting to bring an umbrella as I feel the rain begin to crash down on my head and I pull the hood of my sweatshirt I wore under my jacket over my head. But that didn’t matter now, what mattered was finding you. Making sure you were okay and bringing you back home so the rest will stop worrying.
I took a second to think about the direction that I should be going in and decide to go left. I run with all the energy I have in me. I run and silently whisper for you to stay put, hoping the wind will send you my silent request. With every step I take, I don’t feel like I’m getting any closer to you. I feel like I’m running on a treadmill. That no matter how fast I encourage my legs to work, I wasn’t any closer to you.
I finally start to see the entrance to the park a few blocks ahead of me. I pray that you’re there. I pray that we’re still connected enough to know just where to find the other. Again I stop once I enter the park to think about which direction I should go. It’s like one of those choose your own fate books. Which one of these three paths will lead me to you? Which one do I choose? I shake my head and decide to just go with wherever my legs take me. Hopefully they bring me to you.
The playground in front of me is all too familiar. The memories of our first date come flooding back to me. How you kept saying you didn’t want to go home because that meant the date was over. How you begged me for ice cream as we walked through this park. How you sat there on the bench smiling happily as you devoured yours and most of my ice cream. How you bribed me into pushing you on the swing by promising me a kiss. How you tricked me when you brought out your phone for a picture. How you softly kissed my cheek as you pressed the button on your phone to capture the image. The image that was on that photo I had placed on your pillow weeks ago.
I quickly scanned the playground hoping to catch a glimpse of you. But I didn’t see anything. It was completely deserted. I felt my heart drop, maybe that connection we had is gone. I could’ve sworn on my life that you would be here.
Right as I was about to give up and head back to my apartment, I noticed something or rather someone crunched up in a ball under the slide. I squint and lean in to try and get a better look and make sure my eyes aren’t deceiving me. The rain was falling pretty hard now, to the point where it was difficult to even see my own hand in front of my face. So it would be easy for me to think I see something. But I knew that was you. I could make out your silhouette anywhere. Whether standing, sitting, or crouching down.
I immediately begin to rush to your side. As I got closer I realized that you were shaking and had your hands up to your ears to try and drown out the thunder. Your eyes were shut tight and I could see tears falling from them. I saw your whole body flinch as another sound of thunder echoed through the night air. I crouch down in front of you and take in every single part of you. I don’t know if you felt my presence or what, but you slowly opened your eyes and looked at me before shutting them tight again as another round of thunder and lightning happen.
I couldn’t help but smile and let out a sigh of relief as I removed the headphones from my neck. I gently remove your hands from your ears and you look at me again. I give you a reassuring smile as I place the headphones on your head. I pull my ipod out of my pocket and hit the shuffle button. You move over a little to make room for me under the slide. I shuffle under the small structure and sit beside you.
I realize you’re still wearing the clothes from our performance earlier which consisted of nothing but a vest, tank, and skinny jeans. The way your body is trembling, I can tell that you’re freezing. I shrug out of my jacket and place it on your bare shoulders. Even though it’s wet, it’s better than nothing. Then as if my arm as a mind of it’s own, I find that I have slung it over your shoulder and pull you close to me so that your head is resting on my shoulder. When you don’t move away, I tighten my grip and I feel you begin to snuggle closer to me. And that’s exactly how we stay until the storm finally lets up 20 minutes later.
“Minho hyung,” you say as I help you out from under the slide, “I’m sor--”
I pull you to my chest before you can finish, “Don’t ever, EVER, scare me like that again.”
“I’m…” you begin as you stare up at me.
“I know,” I whisper as I bring you closer and rub your back, “I know.”
“I just couldn’t take it anymore. I wanted to see you. I needed to see you. To be where I belong. But then the storm hit and I got scared. I kept on praying that you’d find me. Because you always know where to find me. Whenever I need you the most, you always know right where I am.”
I continue to rub your back and watch as tears begin to fall down your face. I place my hands on your shoulders and pull away so I can lean down to look you in the eyes.
“I promised you didn’t I? I promised when we first started dating that I will always be there when you need me. I’m not about to break that promise even though we’re no longer together.”
You look at me as your lips begin to quiver in hopes of stopping the fresh tears from falling. I bring my hand up to your face and wipe your cheeks.
“Taemin. I can’t do this anymore.”
Hurt immediately passes over your face as you listen to me.
“I can’t not be with you,” I say, “Do you have any idea how I felt when you walked away from me that night? There aren’t words that even begin to describe what I was feeling.”
“How do you think I felt? The one person I wanted to run to. The person that I knew could always make things all better. Was the one person I couldn’t go to. It killed me inside. I thought I was doing the right thing, but I knew I was wrong the moment my foot stepped out of that room. I knew I was making a horrible mistake. But I kept trying to tell myself otherwise. It started to drive me crazy that I couldn’t be by your side.”
I look down at you, tears now flowing from both our eyes, “Do you know how many times I just wanted to take you in my arms and forget about that night? But I figured you’d come back to me once you had enough time to think and realize that we belong together. So I tried my best to hold back all those urges, but then somewhere down the line it just seemed like you were never coming back to me. That’s when I decided to move out.”
“You have no idea how hard I cried when I found this picture,” you pull out the picture from your pocket, “On my pillow when I got home. I didn’t even need to read the letter or look in your closet to know that you had left. It was like you were just throwing me away. You couldn’t even write me a personal letter. I got lumped together with the rest of them. It felt like my heart was being ripped out of my body.”
I place my hand on your cheek and you bring one of yours up to meet mine, “What do I have to do to prove how much you mean to me? How many pages do I have to write? How many words do I have to speak?”
I brush my thumb over your lips and stare into your eyes. You bring your free hand up to my side and begin to move it up and down. At that moment we don’t speak, we don’t utter a single word. Our bodies seem to do all the talking for us. Every single thing that we left unsaid is proclaimed through our fingers.
“Minho,” you say as you bring your face closer to mine, “All I want to do is be with you. That’s it. I don’t care how we’re together anymore. As long as I can be by your side, I’ll be happy.”
I lean forward so our lips can meet. I feel one of your arms wrap around my waist while the other brings my head closer to yours. I caress your cheek and place my other hand on the arm you have on my waist. I begin to softly suck on your bottom lip to ask for entrance into your mouth. You slowly begin to open your mouth as I sneak my tongue in. The kiss deepens as we allow our tongues to explore the already familiar territory of our mouths. I feel you push your body closer to mine and can’t help but smile. I didn’t want this kiss to end, but knew that eventually we’d need to break for air.
You were the first to pull away, gasping for air and resting your head in the crook of my neck. I held you close afraid that if I didn’t you would disappear and I’d wake up to find this was all just a dream.
“Can you ever forgive me?” you ask.
I bring your head up to mine and softly kiss your lips, “There’s nothing to forgive. You were right. I shouldn’t have taken our relationship so lightly. I want nothing more than to let everyone know that you’re mine and I’m yours.”
You smile up at me and I remember just how much I missed that smile of yours. You bring your lips up to meet mine and this time the kiss is needy and sloppy as we tried to make up for lost time. Our hands freely roamed each others body getting ourselves reacquainted with the other. If I had my way I would've taken you right then and there, but the soft vibration from my jacket pocket stopped me. I felt you reach into the jacket that still hung loosely on your shoulders and retrieve the blasted device not once breaking the kiss though.
“Answer it,” you murmur in between my lips.
“No need,” I reply.
“Just answer it,” you giggle as you pull away, “It’s probably Key.”
“Hello?” I say into the phone as I hug you close and rest my chin on the top of your head.
“Minho? Please tell me you found him,” Key’s exasperated voice fills the other side.
“Yeah. About a half hour ago actually.”
“What?! And you couldn’t call me. You know I was worried sick!”
“Key umma,” you grab the phone from my hand before I can protest, “Don’t be mad at Minho. We were stuck out here at the park. He forgot to bring an umbrella and the rain was falling really hard. So we decided to wait out the storm.”
“Well as long as you’re okay.”
“I’m more than okay,” you smile up at me and give my neck a quick peck.
“Okay, come home now. I’ll call Onew and Jonghyun hyung and tell them that Minho found you.”
I grab the phone from you again, “We’re gonna stop by my apartment first Key. It’s closer than the dorm and we need to get out of these wet clothes before we catch a cold. So give us like an hour or so. Okay?”
“Okay,” I hear the reluctance in Key’s voice, but hang up anyways.
“An hour?” you ask me with a questioning gaze, “It’s not going to take us an hour to change.”
“I said we were going to get out of these wet clothes, I didn’t say when we would be getting into new ones,” I smirk as I begin to pull you in the direction of my apartment.
“Oh!” I see realization begin to cross your face, “Do you think an hour is long enough?”
“Were you not listening to a word I was saying?”
“Honestly?” you look up shyly at me, “No. Once you mentioned getting out of these wet clothes, all I could think of was ways to take advantage of you while you were naked.”
“You wouldn’t be taking advantage of me if I was giving in willingly,” I reply with a smile.
“How far are we from your apartment?” you ask lust joining the love in your eyes.
“Why?”
“I don’t know if I can wait until we get there.”
“Oh?”
“Maybe you should text Key umma and tell him we’ll just come back home in the morning.”
“And what will be our excuse?”
“We’re too tired to make the trek to the dorms.”
“What? We haven’t even down anything to drain us of our energy,” I gave you a confused stare.
“Oh trust me. You will be exhausted after I’m done with you. How many weeks do we have to make up for? And I do plan on making up for every single one of those weeks,” you pull on my hand and our bodies slam together.
“Taemin” I moan as you begin to kiss my neck, “Not here. We’re in public.”
“I told you that I can’t wait. Besides no one’s here,” you answer as you begin to suck on the sweet spot of my neck that only you know about.
“No, we really shouldn’t do it here,” I moan, but gather enough courage to pull away from you.
“You’re ruining all my fun,” you pout.
“That’s definitely not my intention. It’s just that the last thing we need is a scandal,” I grab your hand and begin to walk again.
“But your apartment is so far,” you whine.
“How would you know? You’ve never even been there before.”
“I just do okay?”
I laugh as I begin to pick up the pace. The truth is I could barely hold myself together as well. But I figured one of us had to be logical. Before I knew it, you were in front of me in a full out sprint. Again, I couldn’t help, but laugh. You were never the eager one when it came to this, so it was nice to see you act that way now. I yelled out which direction you should go as I let you pull me along the quiet streets.
The moment we were in my apartment you had me on the couch and were picking up where you left off on my neck. I smiled as I finally realized that we were both right back where we belong. Right here in each others arms.
The photograph fell from the jacket pocket as things began to heat up. I looked down as I remembered the last thing I did with the photo before placing it on your pillow. I guess you never took the time to turn it over because then you would’ve realized I did write you a letter.
See when the rain falls on my window
And the thunder crash on my ceiling
It brings back the utmost feeling
Of the day I saw you leaving
Now anytime I see your picture
Think about being with you
And it drives me outta my mind
‘Cause I can’t be by your side
Baby all I wanna do is be with you
AUTHOR: giveitupjessica
PAIRING: 2min
RATING: PG-15? (suggestive material)
GENRE: angst, romance, songfic, Oneshot!
SUMMARY: See when the rain falls on my window/ And the thunder crash on my ceiling/ It brings back the utmost feeling/ Of the day I saw you leaving/ Now anytime I see your picture/ Think about being with you
A/N: So this is a one shot inspired by Brutha's "Be With You" I have fallen in love with this song again. ^_^ Sorry for the rather long oneshot. haha. Hope you enjoy it though. And if it's a complete fail... oh well. Oh and I started working on a new fic, but I'm definitely not able to just go with the flow like I did with Call Me Up, this one is going to be a pain in the ass, I can already tell. I apologize for any mistakes. I didn't go through my normal editing process with this one. Comments are always loved!
THUNDER AND LIGHTNING
I sat on the windowsill just staring outside, the same worn out picture rested in between my fingers. It started to become a habit of mine since that day. Whenever it started to rain, I’d always find myself on this windowsill never realizing how my feet would automatically drag me there. I’d take that picture out of my wallet, never really looking at it as I just held it in my hands and stared out the window. The picture was all too familiar to me; I didn’t need to look at it because the image was forever imprinted into my brain. And no matter how hard I tried, it never faded or faltered. It was always clear as the day the photo was taken. I brought my long legs up to rest on the small space that the windowsill provided and leaned my head back. The coolness of the window contradicting the warmth I felt from the rest of the room.
I watched as the rain started to pick up and violently slam against the window in front of me. It wouldn’t be long before thunder and lightening would join the falling drops of water. My heart started to ache a little more and I knew that I shouldn’t be sitting here. I shouldn’t keep putting myself through this every single time it rained. I was beginning to think I was becoming a sadist. But in some weird and twisted way, this was the closest I could get to you. And all I wanted was to be with you. If this was the only way, I’ll take it. So I took a deep breath and waited for the memory to come back like it always did. I waited for the familiar pain to slowly creep back into my heart as I closed my eyes and rested my forehead on the window.
*~*
I saw you jump a little at the sound of thunder outside. I knew how much you hated it, but I couldn’t help but smile to myself. You would always snuggle closer to me whenever you saw the flash of light knowing what was coming next. I never quite understood why you were so scared of thunder and lightning, but I never complained because it gave me a reason to pull you closer to me. It gave me a reason to tighten the embrace I held you in. And with every sound of thunder, we’d get that much closer.
But tonight was different. I had noticed it the moment you got back to the dorm. There was a vibe around you that I wasn’t familiar with. You looked at me with an unreadable expression and turned away without saying a single word to me. Had I done something wrong? I tried to think back on the past couple of days, but came up with nothing.
We hadn’t had the chance to spend that much time together since our comeback. But when we did, I made sure that we were able to completely enjoy ourselves without worrying about what was in store for us the next day. I made sure that we were able to just live in the few hours we had to ourselves. When we were together we were just Minho and Taemin, not SHINee’s Flaming Charisma and beloved Maknae. We didn’t argue once, neither one of us wanting to waste what little time we had. So why were you giving me the cold shoulder all of a sudden?
I quickly followed you into the room that you shared with Key and Onew and closed the door behind me so we could have some privacy. The room was dark except for the little bit of moonlight streaming in from the window. I didn’t bother to switch on the light, afraid of what I might see if I did. Your back was towards me as you stood in front of the window. Now I knew that something wasn’t right. You made it a point to be as far away from any type of window or glass door when the weather was like this.
I took a few hesitant steps towards you when I saw the first lightning flash illuminate your face for a brief second. And my instinct that something wasn’t right was confirmed. There was no expression on your face. It was completely numb. But I could still see the traces of the tears that I knew were probably falling before I had entered the room. My heart and my head were pulling me in two different directions. My head told me to turn around and leave the room. I knew that I wasn’t going to like what would happen if I stayed in the room further. My heart, on the other hand, was telling me to rush over to you and comfort you. It was telling me to go over there and wipe away any signs that you were crying with my fingers. To hold you close and tell you that everything was going to be alright. Tell you that whatever it was not to worry because I would make it all better. Just stop crying.
Another flash of light came at the exact moment that another tear slipped out of your eye and cascaded down your smooth cheek. And that’s all it took for me to rush over to you, throwing away all common sense I had. Completely disregarding the gut feeling I had that something bad was about to happen. All I could see was you. All I could see was the pain you were going through. What I felt didn’t matter to me anymore. I just wanted to make sure you were okay.
You involuntarily jumped back into my waiting arms as the boom of thunder came not too long after that small flash of lightning. I don’t know why, but holding you didn’t feel right. Something was off, but I quickly pushed that thought aside and wrapped my arms around your shoulders and held you close. I was probably just imagining all of this.
We stood there in silence. Both of us just watching the rain fall outside the window not knowing what to say. But with every sound of thunder I unconsciously pulled you closer to me. I just couldn’t shake the feeling that something wasn’t quite right though. I’ve never felt this awkwardness when I held you before, not even when we first started to have feelings for each other. It always just felt right to hold you like this, but tonight that feeling wasn’t there. Not even a hint of it was there. It was almost like I was holding a complete stranger instead of the man I have been in love with for the past 2 years.
I slowly and reluctantly let my arms fall from your shoulders. And it scared me when you didn’t protest like you normally would. Instead you turned to face me and took a step back. A step away from me and that’s when I began to feel a small crack form in my heart.
I searched your face for any signs of what was to come, but found nothing. Even your eyes that were normally full of life and happiness, were completely void of any emotions. I watched as you wrapped your arms around yourself and turned your gaze to the floor.
“Taeminnie? What’s wrong?”
Silence. You didn’t even look up at me, just continued to stare at the ground. I took a step towards you and the crack in my heart got bigger as I saw you take two steps away from me.
“If you don’t tell me what’s wrong, I can’t fix it,” I say trying to hold back the tears that were beginning to form in my own eyes, “Unless…”
“I don’t want you to fix it. You can’t fix it anyways,” you finished for me, eyes still on the ground.
“I don’t…” I was at a complete loss for words. I never thought that you would say that. You always wanted me to fix things, no matter how big or small.
“It’s not something that can be fixed.”
“What are--?” for some reason I couldn’t form sentences or complete my thoughts. I was in complete and utter shock. The pain in my chest was slowly starting to grow. The crack getting bigger and bigger as the seconds passed of you not looking at me.
“We shouldn’t be doing this anymore. I can’t do this anymore.”
“I don’t--”
“It’s simple really. If we can’t be together 100%, I’d rather not be together at all.”
I stared at you in confusion. What were you talking about? I have never once not put my all into this relationship. I knew how much you meant to me and didn’t want to do anything to jeopardize it. I loved you too much to take what we had lightly. I thought you knew that. I thought I showed you that. We remained silent for what seemed like hours. I continued to stare at you and you continued to stare at the floor.
“What do you mean?” I finally ask.
“I hate that our relationship has to be a secret. I hate that SM forces us to keep our love for each other hidden. I hate that I can’t hold your hand in public or curl into your arms when it’s freezing outside. I hate that every look, touch, and embrace we share in front of the cameras is degraded to nothing but fan service. When I know it’s far from that,” you were finally looking at me and I watched as your tears fell in rhythm to the rain outside.
“Taeminnie, I hate it too, but…”
“No! It’s not fair. Do you know how much it hurts every single time I need to watch you flirt with the SNSD noonas or f(x)? It damn near tears me apart even though I know it’s nothing more than part of our job. I can’t take it anymore. Especially since you seem fine with it all. It doesn’t seem to bother you that we can’t be open about how we feel about it each other. It’s like you’re ashamed of me. Ashamed of your love for me. Of my love for you.”
“Taeminnie!” I gasp, “How can you even begin to think that?! You know how I feel about you. I’ve told you countless times. I show you every time we I kiss and hug you. Ever time we make love, I try to let you know just how much I love you. How can you possibly think that I’m ashamed of what we have?”
“Because you just roll with what SM tells us. You don’t back away when one of the noonas start to flirt with you like I do. You don’t go out of your way to touch me or whisper something pointless to me in front of everyone like I do. I try my best to do whatever I can to hint to the world that what people suspect is true. That you and me are in love. I don’t want SM to control our relationship, but you seem fine with it.”
“And the only reason why I’m okay with it is because they’re letting us be together. Sure we have to hide it, but I’d rather have something with you behind closed doors than nothing at all.”
“There it is right there,” you yell, “That’s why I think you’re ashamed of me. Why can’t we be vocal about what we have? There’s already a big community of people who support 2min as they call it. What’s the big deal if we let their wish come true? Why does it have to always be behind closed doors?”
“Taeminnie,” I gather the strength to step towards you again.
“No! Don’t. Come. Near. Me.” you say as you shake your head and wipe the tears from your eyes.
“I just don’t understand. I’ll take whatever I can as long as I can be with you.”
“Well then call me selfish because I can’t do that. It breaks me heart everyday knowing that the moment we step foot out of this apartment there is no ‘we.’ Me and you are just SHINee’s Taemin and Minho. We’re just friends or worst brothers. It’s like every morning we break up and every night we make up only to have the cycle repeat itself the next day. And the next day. And the next day. I just can’t… I can’t live like this anymore. I can’t keep getting my heart broken every morning, only to try to piece it back together at night. I’m not as strong as you Minho.”
I was beginning to understand where you were coming from. I knew deep down that you were never okay with us having to keep our relationship a secret from everyone but the company and our band mates. I just always thought you were like me. That you would take it as long as you got to be with me. I should’ve known better though because you’re probably the most passionate person I know. And there’s little that can be done to hide that passion. I just wish I knew what to say to make you change your mind because I knew that your mind was already made up. And once your mind is made up, there’s no use in trying to persuade you otherwise. But why does it have to be like this is all I wanted to ask you. Why does it have to be all or nothing?
“So like I said, if I can’t have you 100%, I’d rather not have you at all. It hurts too much,” you grab at your chest as the tears begin to fall again, “Doing this hurts too much.”
“Then stop. Don’t go any further. Don’t reach the point of no return. Let’s just leave this room and pretend like this, all of this, never happened. Let’s go back to what we were before I followed you into this room.”
“As much as I want to Minho. As much as my heart is yelling at me and telling me I’m an idiot for doing this. I can’t. I can’t keep going through that cycle day in and day out. I want more from this relationship, but it’s not going to happen. I know that we have the potential to be something great. But we’re never together. I mean I know we’re always around each other, but we’re never together the way I want us to be together. Except for a few stolen moments here and there.”
“Please,” I know I don’t have to finish the sentence because he knows exactly what I mean and exactly how I feel.
“I thought I’d be able to handle this, but it just got harder and harder with each passing day. And it’s all because I found myself falling for you more and more. That’s why I can’t accept this almost sham of a relationship that we have. We deserve better. We deserve the chance to see just how great we can be together. But we’re never going to get that. So what’s the point in staying where we are with nowhere to go? Confined to a hole with no escape?”
“Taemin--” you cut me off before I could finish.
“We’re only going to hurt each other in the end. And I know the last thing we want to do is hurt each other. So let’s end this before it gets to that point. Let’s stop this pain now before we get drawn in anymore.”
That’s when I knew there was nothing I could or do say to change your mind. The look you gave me told me all I needed to know. It was nice that you finally let your guard down and let your emotions show in every line of your face. There was sadness, disappointment, despair, anger, and love. There was always love in your face. Whenever you were looking at me, it was always there. I just wish those other emotions weren’t there to taint it.
I watched as you wiped those last few stray tears from your face and began to make your way for the door. I watched your every step, hoping and praying you would stop. That your passion would get the best of you and you’d come running back into my arms saying you’re sorry for being so stupid. Telling me that you loved me and didn’t mean anything you just said.
But you never came back. You didn’t even turn around once to look at me as you left the room. And before I knew it, I was left alone. For the first time in my life I jumped at the sound of thunder. The sound that seemed to make everything final. The sound of my heart breaking into a millions of pieces.
*~*
I clutch at my chest and let out a deep sigh. Even though this wasn’t the first time I’ve experienced this, it still hurt every single time. And instead of becoming numb to the pain as it keeps happening, it hurts so much more whenever it happens. I watched as my breath fogged up the window in front of me as it quickened. I didn’t know how much more of this I was going to be able to handle. Even though you said I was strong, I’m really not. Not when it comes to you. That’s why I have to leave. That’s why I need to get out of the place that causes me the most pain.
I manage to tear myself away from the window and walk over to your bed one last time. I scan the bed, the image of you curled up in your sheets with a sweet smile on your face floods my thoughts. So many nights I’ve climbed into this bed or was pulled into this bed by you whenever you felt lonely or just wanted to be near me. So many mornings of me waking up with you snuggled into my chest. I absentmindedly wipe away the tears I didn’t know were falling from my eyes. I drop the picture on your pillow and release a long sigh. And then I walk out of that room one last time.
I walked to our door, not letting myself look back as I picked up the bags I had placed there earlier. I grabbed the envelop out of the side pocket and placed it on the table beside me. Manager hyung and I had planned it this way. We planned that I would leave when everyone was out either on a schedule or just to dinner. It was better this way. It was easier this way. Less painful for me. Less of a chance that I would back out and stay instead. But even though no one was here to stop me, it was still hard for me to open that door. It was hard for me not to hope that someone will pop out of nowhere and stop me. That you would come out of that room and wrap your arms around my waist telling me not to leave. Because if you did, I would’ve stayed in a heartbeat. All I needed was for you to tell me to stay. That’s all it took. But you weren’t there. No one was.
I lifted my hand and shakily placed it on the door handle. With one last deep breath, I opened it and left. Again, I willed myself not to look back as I got further and further away from the place I had called home for a good portion of my life. I kept telling myself that this was for the best.
I wasn’t leaving the band. I would never do that to you guys. You’re like my family. The last thing I want to do is break us up. I just couldn’t stay in that place anymore. There were too many memories that haunted me everywhere I turned. The pain was becoming unbearable.
Things were never the same after that night. No matter what there was this weird tension whenever we were in the same room together. A tension that made everyone around us uncomfortable. One that everyone noticed, but was too afraid to bring up or do anything about it. I couldn’t keep putting Onew, Key, and Jonghyun through that. It wasn’t fair for them to have to feel the aftermath of our break up. Our dorm no longer really felt like a home because of it.
So one day I sat down with Manager hyung and we talked about it. We talked about everything. I cried a lot, which surprised him since he had never seen me cry like that before. He did his best to comfort me, but it was more like awkward pats and empty promises that everything will be okay in time. I told him that I couldn’t live there anymore. I couldn’t live with the pain that came with seeing you everyday. He began to freak out thinking that I was quitting the band, but I assured him that that wasn’t the case at all. I knew how to keep my professional and personal lives separate. It was just getting hard to separate the two at the dorm. The next day we went to the company and they agreed to let me move out into a place of my own. I knew it was because they were afraid that I’d quit if they didn’t give in. Which to be honest, I just might have.
Within the next few days, they had found me an apartment not too far away and I slowly began to move my stuff there. I didn’t want it to be so obvious, so I started to take little things here and there. Things that none of you would notice were gone. I didn’t have to worry about anything big like furniture because the company had taken care of all of that. I just had to worry about my personal stuff. It took about a week to move everything so that all that was left was my clothes.
Manager hyung wanted me to tell you guys, but I couldn’t. I knew that if I did, you all would do whatever you could to make me change my mind. To make me stay. And knowing the state I was in, I probably would have been easy to convince. I told him not to worry though, that I had already prepared a letter explaining everything. I made sure that you guys would know it was my decision alone and not that of our manager or our company.
So here I am. In my new cold and empty apartment. Alone. Alone and in pain. I hope I’m doing the right thing.
*~*
The sound of my cell phone going off wakes me from the dreamless sleep I was having on my couch. I grumble as I pull it out of my pocket and check the display even though I knew who it would be. I didn’t want to deal with it right now though. I didn’t want to deal with any of it. I just wanted to curl up in a ball and be left alone. But I knew he wasn’t going to let me. I knew he was going to keep calling me every minute until I answered. So why not save both him and me the trouble and just pick up the phone?
“YAH! CHOI MINHO! WHAT THE FUCK?!” he screamed as I pulled the phone away from my ear.
“No need to yell. I can hear you just fine,” I mumble.
“Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t march right on over there and drag your ass back home.”
“You don’t know where I live?”
“Well…” I knew I had him there. How could he drag me home when he didn’t know where I was to begin with, “I can find out you know. I have my ways.”
“Find me if you can. Until then, I’m not coming back,” I was about to hang up when he caught my attention.
“Look, don’t do this,” he says with sincerity, “Don’t do this to him. He’s hurting too you know.”
“Don’t you think I know that Key? Don’t you think I see that every single time I look at him? I know he’s hurting, but I’m hurting too. I think it’s better that I’m not there. How are we supposed to get better when we have to constantly be around each other? Me moving out will give us both the space that we need. Give us both the time to try and heal the wounds instead of constantly having them ripped open again and again day in and day out. It’ll give us the time to deal with the pain and hopefully be able to let it go.”
There was silence on the other end and I would have thought he had hung up had it not been for his steady breathing, “I just don’t see why you had to go to this extreme and why you couldn’t just tell us. We had to come home to an empty dorm and no trace of you but a stupid letter. Which by the way you could’ve put in a more visible place, we didn’t even know it was there until an hour after we came back. We had thought you just ran away. We were hurt that you would just leave without so much as a good bye to any of us.”
“Look I’m sorry. I couldn’t tell you guys though because I know what would have happened. You would’ve done whatever you could to convince me to stay. And eventually I would have given in and stayed. But I couldn’t let that happen. I know I’m being selfish, but if there were ever a time for me to be selfish, I think it would be now. I just need time. That’s all I ask for.”
“So what you’re saying is that there is nothing any of us could say or do to make you come back home. Nothing at all?”
“Yes,” I lied. All I needed was to hear you say “Come home” and I would’ve came running, “This is for the best.”
“If you say so. Take care of yourself alright?”
“Key, you’re acting like I’m no longer part of the band. I just moved out, I’ll still see you for all our schedules. We just won’t be going back to the same home.”
“It feels like you’ve left the band though,” he whispered in response. I didn’t know what to say to this so I kept my mouth shut and just listened to his breathing on the other end of the line.
“You better get some rest,” he finally said, “We have an early morning tomorrow. Manager hyung said the van will come and pick you up first before it comes to get the rest of us.”
“Okay. Night.”
“Night.”
*~*
I would be lying to myself if I said this was making everything easier for me. If anything it was harder. At least back at the dorm I had three other guys to keep me company. But here, I’m all alone. The only thing to keep me company was my thoughts and memories. And most of the memories that decided to keep me company whenever I was here were memories with you in them.
I thought being here would give me a chance to mend my heart. I was wrong. If anything my heart was beyond repair now. I could see that it wasn’t getting easier for you either. You did little to hide the pain you were feeling now and it just pained me even more.
I brought my legs up to my chest and hugged them. It was raining again tonight, probably one of the worst storms we’ve had in awhile. And there I was sitting next to the glass door that leads out to my balcony, staring out at the rain. I guess old habits really do die hard.
I was brought out of my misery by my cell phone. I reached over to the couch and grabbed it without taking my eyes off of the water that was splattering on the glass in front of me.
“Hello?” I automatically said as I brought it up to my ear.
“Minho?” a frantic voice answered me.
“Hm?” the wind was beginning to pick and it was only a matter of seconds before the first flash of lightning appeared.
“Minho?! Are you even listening to what I’m saying?”
“Huh? What?” I must have zoned out.
“Taemin.”
“What about him?”
“Is he with you?”
“No, why?” and here comes the thunder. It was particularly loud tonight. I began to count the seconds in between the lightning and the thunder. One one thousand, two one thousand, three one thousand, four one thousand, five one thousand, six one thousand. The storm was about a mile away. That’s pretty close. I wonder how you’re handling it.
“MINHO!”
“WHAT?!” I reply. I completely forgot that I was on the phone.
“Now is not the time to go off into LaLa Land. Taemin is missing!”
“What?!” I jump up from the floor, “What do you mean he’s missing?”
“I mean he’s not here. No one knows where he is. No one has seen him. We tried his phone, but it’s not in service. We were all wishing that he was with you, but since he’s not. We have no idea where else he could be. Onew hyung and Jonghyun hyung just left to go look for him.”
“And what about you?”
“I’m staying here just in case he comes home.”
I look outside again. You must be scared being out there alone, “Are you sure absolutely no one knows where he is?”
“I’m positive. The three of us have spent the last hour calling every person and place we can think of and nothing. Minho, I’m worried. You know how he hates storms.”
“I know.”
“Do you have any idea where he could have gone? Any idea whatsoever?”
“No,” but then with the flash of lightning came the image of that picture and I suddenly had a feeling.
“Minho, what are we going to do?”
“Just try to stay calm Key. I’m gonna go out and look for him too. Call me the minute you hear anything okay?” I run around my apartment, grabbing my shoes, jacket, ipod, and my over the ear headphones. (Think of the yellow ones he’s wearing in the picture of him, Key, and Onew. Where Key is pulling the cord.)
“Okay. Be careful though!”
“I will,” with that I hang up the phone and rush out of my apartment. If my gut was right, I knew exactly where to find you.
I curse myself for forgetting to bring an umbrella as I feel the rain begin to crash down on my head and I pull the hood of my sweatshirt I wore under my jacket over my head. But that didn’t matter now, what mattered was finding you. Making sure you were okay and bringing you back home so the rest will stop worrying.
I took a second to think about the direction that I should be going in and decide to go left. I run with all the energy I have in me. I run and silently whisper for you to stay put, hoping the wind will send you my silent request. With every step I take, I don’t feel like I’m getting any closer to you. I feel like I’m running on a treadmill. That no matter how fast I encourage my legs to work, I wasn’t any closer to you.
I finally start to see the entrance to the park a few blocks ahead of me. I pray that you’re there. I pray that we’re still connected enough to know just where to find the other. Again I stop once I enter the park to think about which direction I should go. It’s like one of those choose your own fate books. Which one of these three paths will lead me to you? Which one do I choose? I shake my head and decide to just go with wherever my legs take me. Hopefully they bring me to you.
The playground in front of me is all too familiar. The memories of our first date come flooding back to me. How you kept saying you didn’t want to go home because that meant the date was over. How you begged me for ice cream as we walked through this park. How you sat there on the bench smiling happily as you devoured yours and most of my ice cream. How you bribed me into pushing you on the swing by promising me a kiss. How you tricked me when you brought out your phone for a picture. How you softly kissed my cheek as you pressed the button on your phone to capture the image. The image that was on that photo I had placed on your pillow weeks ago.
I quickly scanned the playground hoping to catch a glimpse of you. But I didn’t see anything. It was completely deserted. I felt my heart drop, maybe that connection we had is gone. I could’ve sworn on my life that you would be here.
Right as I was about to give up and head back to my apartment, I noticed something or rather someone crunched up in a ball under the slide. I squint and lean in to try and get a better look and make sure my eyes aren’t deceiving me. The rain was falling pretty hard now, to the point where it was difficult to even see my own hand in front of my face. So it would be easy for me to think I see something. But I knew that was you. I could make out your silhouette anywhere. Whether standing, sitting, or crouching down.
I immediately begin to rush to your side. As I got closer I realized that you were shaking and had your hands up to your ears to try and drown out the thunder. Your eyes were shut tight and I could see tears falling from them. I saw your whole body flinch as another sound of thunder echoed through the night air. I crouch down in front of you and take in every single part of you. I don’t know if you felt my presence or what, but you slowly opened your eyes and looked at me before shutting them tight again as another round of thunder and lightning happen.
I couldn’t help but smile and let out a sigh of relief as I removed the headphones from my neck. I gently remove your hands from your ears and you look at me again. I give you a reassuring smile as I place the headphones on your head. I pull my ipod out of my pocket and hit the shuffle button. You move over a little to make room for me under the slide. I shuffle under the small structure and sit beside you.
I realize you’re still wearing the clothes from our performance earlier which consisted of nothing but a vest, tank, and skinny jeans. The way your body is trembling, I can tell that you’re freezing. I shrug out of my jacket and place it on your bare shoulders. Even though it’s wet, it’s better than nothing. Then as if my arm as a mind of it’s own, I find that I have slung it over your shoulder and pull you close to me so that your head is resting on my shoulder. When you don’t move away, I tighten my grip and I feel you begin to snuggle closer to me. And that’s exactly how we stay until the storm finally lets up 20 minutes later.
“Minho hyung,” you say as I help you out from under the slide, “I’m sor--”
I pull you to my chest before you can finish, “Don’t ever, EVER, scare me like that again.”
“I’m…” you begin as you stare up at me.
“I know,” I whisper as I bring you closer and rub your back, “I know.”
“I just couldn’t take it anymore. I wanted to see you. I needed to see you. To be where I belong. But then the storm hit and I got scared. I kept on praying that you’d find me. Because you always know where to find me. Whenever I need you the most, you always know right where I am.”
I continue to rub your back and watch as tears begin to fall down your face. I place my hands on your shoulders and pull away so I can lean down to look you in the eyes.
“I promised you didn’t I? I promised when we first started dating that I will always be there when you need me. I’m not about to break that promise even though we’re no longer together.”
You look at me as your lips begin to quiver in hopes of stopping the fresh tears from falling. I bring my hand up to your face and wipe your cheeks.
“Taemin. I can’t do this anymore.”
Hurt immediately passes over your face as you listen to me.
“I can’t not be with you,” I say, “Do you have any idea how I felt when you walked away from me that night? There aren’t words that even begin to describe what I was feeling.”
“How do you think I felt? The one person I wanted to run to. The person that I knew could always make things all better. Was the one person I couldn’t go to. It killed me inside. I thought I was doing the right thing, but I knew I was wrong the moment my foot stepped out of that room. I knew I was making a horrible mistake. But I kept trying to tell myself otherwise. It started to drive me crazy that I couldn’t be by your side.”
I look down at you, tears now flowing from both our eyes, “Do you know how many times I just wanted to take you in my arms and forget about that night? But I figured you’d come back to me once you had enough time to think and realize that we belong together. So I tried my best to hold back all those urges, but then somewhere down the line it just seemed like you were never coming back to me. That’s when I decided to move out.”
“You have no idea how hard I cried when I found this picture,” you pull out the picture from your pocket, “On my pillow when I got home. I didn’t even need to read the letter or look in your closet to know that you had left. It was like you were just throwing me away. You couldn’t even write me a personal letter. I got lumped together with the rest of them. It felt like my heart was being ripped out of my body.”
I place my hand on your cheek and you bring one of yours up to meet mine, “What do I have to do to prove how much you mean to me? How many pages do I have to write? How many words do I have to speak?”
I brush my thumb over your lips and stare into your eyes. You bring your free hand up to my side and begin to move it up and down. At that moment we don’t speak, we don’t utter a single word. Our bodies seem to do all the talking for us. Every single thing that we left unsaid is proclaimed through our fingers.
“Minho,” you say as you bring your face closer to mine, “All I want to do is be with you. That’s it. I don’t care how we’re together anymore. As long as I can be by your side, I’ll be happy.”
I lean forward so our lips can meet. I feel one of your arms wrap around my waist while the other brings my head closer to yours. I caress your cheek and place my other hand on the arm you have on my waist. I begin to softly suck on your bottom lip to ask for entrance into your mouth. You slowly begin to open your mouth as I sneak my tongue in. The kiss deepens as we allow our tongues to explore the already familiar territory of our mouths. I feel you push your body closer to mine and can’t help but smile. I didn’t want this kiss to end, but knew that eventually we’d need to break for air.
You were the first to pull away, gasping for air and resting your head in the crook of my neck. I held you close afraid that if I didn’t you would disappear and I’d wake up to find this was all just a dream.
“Can you ever forgive me?” you ask.
I bring your head up to mine and softly kiss your lips, “There’s nothing to forgive. You were right. I shouldn’t have taken our relationship so lightly. I want nothing more than to let everyone know that you’re mine and I’m yours.”
You smile up at me and I remember just how much I missed that smile of yours. You bring your lips up to meet mine and this time the kiss is needy and sloppy as we tried to make up for lost time. Our hands freely roamed each others body getting ourselves reacquainted with the other. If I had my way I would've taken you right then and there, but the soft vibration from my jacket pocket stopped me. I felt you reach into the jacket that still hung loosely on your shoulders and retrieve the blasted device not once breaking the kiss though.
“Answer it,” you murmur in between my lips.
“No need,” I reply.
“Just answer it,” you giggle as you pull away, “It’s probably Key.”
“Hello?” I say into the phone as I hug you close and rest my chin on the top of your head.
“Minho? Please tell me you found him,” Key’s exasperated voice fills the other side.
“Yeah. About a half hour ago actually.”
“What?! And you couldn’t call me. You know I was worried sick!”
“Key umma,” you grab the phone from my hand before I can protest, “Don’t be mad at Minho. We were stuck out here at the park. He forgot to bring an umbrella and the rain was falling really hard. So we decided to wait out the storm.”
“Well as long as you’re okay.”
“I’m more than okay,” you smile up at me and give my neck a quick peck.
“Okay, come home now. I’ll call Onew and Jonghyun hyung and tell them that Minho found you.”
I grab the phone from you again, “We’re gonna stop by my apartment first Key. It’s closer than the dorm and we need to get out of these wet clothes before we catch a cold. So give us like an hour or so. Okay?”
“Okay,” I hear the reluctance in Key’s voice, but hang up anyways.
“An hour?” you ask me with a questioning gaze, “It’s not going to take us an hour to change.”
“I said we were going to get out of these wet clothes, I didn’t say when we would be getting into new ones,” I smirk as I begin to pull you in the direction of my apartment.
“Oh!” I see realization begin to cross your face, “Do you think an hour is long enough?”
“Were you not listening to a word I was saying?”
“Honestly?” you look up shyly at me, “No. Once you mentioned getting out of these wet clothes, all I could think of was ways to take advantage of you while you were naked.”
“You wouldn’t be taking advantage of me if I was giving in willingly,” I reply with a smile.
“How far are we from your apartment?” you ask lust joining the love in your eyes.
“Why?”
“I don’t know if I can wait until we get there.”
“Oh?”
“Maybe you should text Key umma and tell him we’ll just come back home in the morning.”
“And what will be our excuse?”
“We’re too tired to make the trek to the dorms.”
“What? We haven’t even down anything to drain us of our energy,” I gave you a confused stare.
“Oh trust me. You will be exhausted after I’m done with you. How many weeks do we have to make up for? And I do plan on making up for every single one of those weeks,” you pull on my hand and our bodies slam together.
“Taemin” I moan as you begin to kiss my neck, “Not here. We’re in public.”
“I told you that I can’t wait. Besides no one’s here,” you answer as you begin to suck on the sweet spot of my neck that only you know about.
“No, we really shouldn’t do it here,” I moan, but gather enough courage to pull away from you.
“You’re ruining all my fun,” you pout.
“That’s definitely not my intention. It’s just that the last thing we need is a scandal,” I grab your hand and begin to walk again.
“But your apartment is so far,” you whine.
“How would you know? You’ve never even been there before.”
“I just do okay?”
I laugh as I begin to pick up the pace. The truth is I could barely hold myself together as well. But I figured one of us had to be logical. Before I knew it, you were in front of me in a full out sprint. Again, I couldn’t help, but laugh. You were never the eager one when it came to this, so it was nice to see you act that way now. I yelled out which direction you should go as I let you pull me along the quiet streets.
The moment we were in my apartment you had me on the couch and were picking up where you left off on my neck. I smiled as I finally realized that we were both right back where we belong. Right here in each others arms.
The photograph fell from the jacket pocket as things began to heat up. I looked down as I remembered the last thing I did with the photo before placing it on your pillow. I guess you never took the time to turn it over because then you would’ve realized I did write you a letter.
See when the rain falls on my window
And the thunder crash on my ceiling
It brings back the utmost feeling
Of the day I saw you leaving
Now anytime I see your picture
Think about being with you
And it drives me outta my mind
‘Cause I can’t be by your side
Baby all I wanna do is be with you