Faccia Bella 9/15
TITLE: Faccia Bella 9/15
AUTHOR: giveitupjessica
GENRE: AU, Romance, a little angst, comedy
PAIRINGS: Minkey, 2min, Jongkey/Onkey (dunno haven't decided yet)
RATING: G-NC-17 (depending on chapter.. as always)
SUMMARY: You love me the way I've always wanted to be loved but I am merely just a stand in because he's still somewhere out there. The one who you truly love but but I'll take what I can get for now because I've fallen in love with you and you loved me because you gave me his face.
A/N: Sorry for the late update! This chapter might not be what you expected. So yeah... I know a few of you don't like Minnie in this series, but I hope this chapter helps you to understand him better. I'm trying to work on the next chapter of Misguided Angel as well since a lot of people have been asking about it, along with the last part of The Letdown Mini Series I don't know why I've been in the mood to read and write angst lately. haha. Probably because of all the rain. Anyways, enjoy the chapter and come join societyofshinee all the cool people are doing it! Oh and silent readers please comment!
CHAPTER NINE
“I have no idea what’s going on in this drama,” Jinki says, “Who is that girl again?”
“I think that’s the boyfriend’s best friend’s sister who is in love with that guy,” I say.
“Are you sure? I though she was the best friend who was trying to sabotage that one chick.”
“I don’t know. Maybe she is.”
“What’s the name of this?”
“Beats me.”
“Wanna watch something else?”
“Please.”
“Anything in particular you feel like watching?” he grabs the remote and starts to flip through the channels.
“Nope.”
I thought it would be weird for me to be here and it was at first, but it quickly went away. We settled into a weird not really comfortable, but kind of at the same time, silence. I don’t know how to explain it, all I know is that neither one of us were tense anymore. Well I know he wasn’t really tense to begin with, it was just me. It seems like he’s just one of those naturally friendly types.
“There’s nothing on,” he frowns, this is the second time he’s been through all the channels and I can tell he’s easily getting annoyed now.
“Well we can always just sit and talk. Get to know one another and whatnot,” I suggest because frankly it’s probably weird for a complete stranger to just waltz into a room and start to hang out with someone.
“Okay,” he turns off the TV and shifts to face me a little better, “Kibum right?”
“Yes.”
“What are you doing here? Are you sure I don’t know you?”
“You don’t know me. And I’m here because I was on that flight with your brother. The one that crashed. I heard that he was never found though. I’m sorry.”
“But he’s alive.”
“What?”
“My brother, he’s alive. He was just visiting me not too long ago.”
“But…”
“Taemin. That’s my brother’s name. I’m sorry for mistaking you for him earlier. You two kind of look similar.”
“Oh I see,” Taemin… Why does that name sound familiar to me? It sounded familiar when he first said it and now it’s really starting to bug me. Where have I heard that name before?
“He’s the only family I have left you know.”
“What?” I shake my thoughts out of my head and look him in the face.
“My baby brother is all the family I have left.”
“Your parents?”
“Dead from the same car crash that put me in this bed.”
“How long have you been here again?”
“They say two years. They told my brother to just give up on me already and pull the plug, but he never gave up hope. And I know why.”
“Why?”
“Well, you see. Hm… how should I put this?” he stops to think about what to say next and I patiently wait for him to continue what he’s saying, “Taemin… well.”
“You know you don’t have to tell me any of this. We can just talk about something safer, like school or something,” I say, trying to give him a way out of this obviously heavy topic for him.
“I don’t really remember much about school. I’ve been in this coma for two years you know. And it’s true what they say.”
“About what?”
“If you speak to a person in a coma, they can hear you. And I know that I heard my brother all those times he came to visit me. I wanted so desperately to reply to him, to be able to talk to him about all the problems he was having, but I couldn’t. It was a weird and infuriating feeling. Like I was being bond by all these invisible restraints in a box too small for me to fit in. No matter what I did or tried to do, I couldn’t break free.”
“How did you wake up then? If you don’t mind me asking that is.”
“I don’t know. It’s like something just clicked in me and everything was gone all of a sudden. The restraints fell off of me and the box opened up. That’s when I woke up.”
“Ah, I see.”
“It was hard though. To look into my brother’s eyes and see all the pain and hurt he’s been shouldering by himself for the past two years. His life wasn’t easy to begin with and it seems like it only got worst after I fell into the coma.”
“How old is he?”
“He’s about 19 now. He’s a great kid, but he has a lot of baggage and insecurities.”
“Oh.”
“My brother’s life has been a living hell compared to mine. One would think that our lives would be similar, that we’d go through and experience the same things. But that’s not the case. Our parents loathed him, especially our mom. She was constantly telling him that she should never had had him. That she should have stopped after having me.”
“What?” I thoroughly shocked by what he just said, “How can a mother say that to her child?”
“I would think the same thing and I could never come up with a valid reason. Like I said, Taemin is a good kid. He’s smart, sweet, and any parent would love to call him their son. But not our parents, all they ever did was put him down. What hurt the most though, what made me loath our parents as much as they loathed him was how they would abuse him,” he pauses and I can see water starting to build up in his eyes, “Physically.”
“Y-your parents h-hit h-him?” I stutter.
“Not so much our dad since he was so busy with work, it was mostly our mom.”
“S-she h-hit h-him?” I can’t help my own tears that are starting to form.
“Yes. On a daily basis it seems. With whatever she could get her hands on.”
“You mean,” I gulp down the lump in my throat, “She didn’t just hit him with her hand?”
“No. Her favorite was my old tennis racket,” I can still see the tears forming in his eyes, but they don’t fall. They just stay there, trapped behind his eyelids, “I felt like the worst hyung whenever she would hit him because there was nothing I could do to protect him. Sure I would ask and beg her to stop, eventually she would but not after a few good hits first.”
“And what about you? Did she ever hit you?”
“No. She never laid a single finger on me. Our parents doted and spoiled me, giving me anything I wanted without even having to ask for it. I was the perfect son to them, which is why they felt like Taemin wasn’t good enough. Probably because all he ever wanted to do was dance.”
“Oh I see.”
“I want to make it up to him though. Once I’m out of here, I’m going to move us far away so that he’ll never have to think about his awful past ever again. I want him to finally be happy and I don’t think he will be if he stays here.”
*~*
“Minho,” I moan as he starts to kiss my jawline, leading up to my ear before taking the lobe into his mouth and sucking on it. I’ve never felt this kind of pleasure in my life. Well probably because I’ve never been in a relationship before. I never felt like I was good enough for anyone, but Minho is slowly making me realize that I am. I never want to let him go.
“Key?” he pulls away from me and is staring at me with confusion in his eyes. It’s only then that I realize that his hand is tracing over the scar on my right shoulder blade. I had gotten it about a month before the car accident that killed both my parents and put my brother in a coma. I decided to tell my parents that I was gay. I didn’t see the point in keeping it a secret since they already thought so little of me to begin with. Imagine my surprise when they both flared up with anger, yelling and cursing me. My mom got physical, like she always did. She picked up a nearby lamp and threw it at me. I tried to move away and luckily it ended up hitting the corner of the wall instead of me. But one of the rather large shards of it ended up slicing right through my shirt and skin when it burst into pieces. The scar wasn’t as bad is it was before, but it was still there. A faint reminder of that day that I will probably have to live with for the rest of my life.
I stare up at Minho and slowly push him away from me. He just takes another step towards me, hand never leaving the scar. It’s weird, but his hand on it is making it burn. I’m ashamed and feel like running. So that’s exactly what I do. I slip away from him, making sure to keep my back out of view from him. I didn’t want him to see the other scars that I carried. I didn’t want him to see how ugly I truly was. His eyes are focused on me as I slowly climb out of the shower and back out of the bathroom. I can see the questions running through his mind and I couldn’t stick around for him to finally ask them. I had to get out of here.
Once I’m out of the bathroom, I quickly rush over to my clothes and throw them on. I lift my head when I hear the water in the bathroom turn off. My pants are halfway up my thighs and I quickly tug them the rest of the way up. I button and zip them up hurriedly before grabbing the hoodie on the dresser. Then I do the one thing I’ve been good at all my life. I run. I run as fast as I can possibly can, never once looking back to see if Minho was chasing after me.
*~*
I bring my hand up and brush the tears off the boy in front of me, “Tears have no place on a face as pretty as yours. So please don’t cry.”
“I can’t help it,” he sniffs, “It’s just, life has been so cruel to your brother.”
“I know, believe me I know,” I tell him, “But I don’t want you to cry over it. He hates getting sympathy.”
“He’s not here so I’ll cry if I want to.”
“Please don’t. If you continue to cry then I’ll end up crying myself.”
“You can cry if you want. I can see the tears forming in your eyes. Why not just let them fall?”
“Because I’ve shed more than enough tears for my brother. I’ve realized that they will not do him any good. It doesn’t matter how hard I cry for him, nothing will change. The past is still the past. What’s happened is done and over with. If I could, I would go back and change it all. I’d call child protective services or something. Or perhaps I won’t because then we’d most likely be separated and as much as he thinks that he needs me, it’s the other way around. I need him.”
“What do you mean? You’ve been taking care of your brother like an actual parent. How is it that you need him?”
“Because he’s the complete opposite of me. The only reason why our parents loved me so much was because I did what I was told when I was told to do it without any questions. I always just figured that since they were my parents, they knew what was best for me. I’ve realized that that isn’t the case. That the only person who knows what’s best is myself. And I learned that from my brother. He was never afraid to just go after what he wanted no matter what our parents or anyone else thought. You know he came out to them a month before the accident.”
“Came out?”
“He told our parents he was gay. I don’t think I’ve ever seen them that mad before. It was like the icing on the cake.”
“Did they beat him?”
“No. Our mom did throw a lamp at him, but that’s about it. I think they were just over it at that point. They just wanted to wipe themselves clean of him. Didn’t want anything to do with him at all.”
“How can parents feel that way about their own child though?”
“I don’t know. I never understood our parents. I stopped trying early on, focusing all my attention on Taemin. Making sure he knew that he was loved by at least one person in his life.”
“What do you mean?” the tears have finally stopped falling from his face and I’m glad because I really hate when people cry in front of me. I never know what to do. Well I know what to do when it’s my brother, but not when it’s some complete stranger.
“Well he’s never really received love in his life, especially from our parents. I’m the only one who has ever showed him love and he’s always thanked me for it. Saying that he was grateful that I loved him even though he didn’t deserve it. It always broke my heart to hear him say that. I mean isn’t it everyone’s right to love and be loved in return? And then to hear someone close to you say they don’t deserve love is just… It’s heart-wrenching.”
“It is. How did he even come to that conclusion?” I can see the tears forming again and I grab his hand, squeezing it gently.
“Like I said, he hasn’t been on the receiving end very much when it comes to love,” I smile at the other boy to try to lighten the mood, “But don’t worry. I think once we’re far away from this place, he’ll get better. I think this city, this country actually, just holds too many bad memories for him. I think what we both need is a fresh new start. Wipe the slate clean and just start anew, you know what I mean?”
“Yeah. You can finally do what you want in life without having to worry about pleasing your parents. And I’m sure Taemin will have your back through it all too.”
“Oh I know he will. He has actually tried to convince me many times before to just go after my dreams. Screw what our parents want and just concentrate on myself because at the end of the day it’s not my parents that have to deal with my decisions, it’s me. I’m the one who has to life with the rewards as well as the consequences.”
“Your brother is smart for his age.”
“Yeah, he’s always been that way. I’ve been the book smart sibling and he’s been the street smart one. I guess that’s why we got along so well even though we have a few years between us. We’re pretty much all each other have now.”
“You don’t have any other family? Aunts? Uncles? Cousins?”
“Oh I’m sure we do, but our parents never made it a point to introduce us to them. And I’m not about to start looking for long lost family members. If they had no interest in us then than why would they have interest in us now? I don’t know. I guess I’m just trying to protect my brother. He’s been hurt too much and for too long in his life. I just want him to forget about all of it and just be happy now. He deserves it.”
“And you do too,” Kibum places his free hand on top of mine and stares me in the eyes. It’s an intense stare filled with care, “Don’t forget about your own happiness Jinki. You worry so much about your brother, I’m sure he feels like a burden sometimes. That you spend so much time on him, that you can’t focus a little on yourself.”
“I don’t mind it though. I promised to myself that I will do whatever I can to protect my brother and ensure his happiness.”
“But that doesn’t mean you have to sacrifice your own in the process. You’re a very caring person Lee Jinki, I’ve found that out about you early on. But I fear that you’re a little too selfless. You can still look out for yourself while you look out for Taemin.”
“I know. Taemin has scolded me about it too.”
“You should listen to your brother.”
“I should, but old habits die hard,” I let out a little laugh and I’m happy to see a smile cross his face, “How about we change the topic now hm? The air in here is kind of heavy. Let’s talk about you now.”
“Well there’s not much for me to say. I kind of have amnesia.”
“And you don’t remember anything?”
“Well I remember things here and there. But there are a lot of huge gaps and holes all over the place. I have all my childhood memories up until I was about 5 and then there are just random memories after that.”
“That must be frustrating.”
“You wouldn’t believe. Especially since a lot of the recent memories I’m getting back is all centered around one person. And I can’t remember a single thing about this person.”
“Who is it? A family member or something?”
“No.”
“A friend then?”
“No.”
“Then who?”
“I think he’s my lover.”
“Oh?” I question with a raised eyebrow. Of course a guy like him would have a boyfriend. He’s gorgeous and has a big heart. Why else would he be sitting here talking to a random stranger like me.
“Yeah. At least that’s what it seems like in my memories. Then again, I’m not sure if we’re still together or not. I think I’m slowly going insane,” he lets out a forced laugh and I smile at him. I squeeze his hand that I’m still holding and he looks up at me, lips slightly upturned in an innocent smile.
“I’m sure everything will clear itself up in no time. Look at me, I was in a coma for two years and then WHAM!” he laughs at my sudden sound effect which makes me smile more. He really should smile more, he has a beautiful smile, “I’m awake. One day, hopefully soon, you’ll just find the missing key and it’ll just click. Just give it some time. Until then don’t stress so much over it. If you get a memory back great, if not oh well. They’re all in there somewhere.” I playfully tap his forehead with my free hand and he scrunches up his face. Just then I hear someone knock on my door before I see one of the doctor’s from earlier poke his head in. He gives me a warm smile before turning to Kibum.
“Hey Kibum!” the doctor says, “My shift is over. You ready to go now?”
“Oh,” Kibum slowly slips his hand out of mine and I’m surprised at how sad I am that it’s no longer there, “Yeah. Just let me say good-bye really quick.”
“Sure thing, I’ll be waiting by the elevator. It’s good to see that you’re still doing well Jinki-ssi.”
“Thank you doc! I’m hoping that you guys let me go home soon. I have a lot to do. I’m sure my brother hasn’t thrown any of the food out from the fridge,” I laugh.
“Well if you’re still good in a few days, I don’t see why we won’t be able to release you. I think you’ve spent enough of your time here.”
“Oh yeah. More than enough for my whole lifetime,” I laugh and he joins in with me. Once our laughter dies down, he smiles at me and then nods to Kibum before disappearing behind the door again.
“It was great talking to you hyung,” Kibum says to me and I turn to face him. I give him one of my signature smiles and nod my head.
“It was great talking to you as well. Sorry for unloading my sad story on you though.”
“Oh it’s okay. I don’t mind,” he gets up to leave and I grab hold of his wrist before he can start to walk away, “Yes?”
“Will you come to visit me again?”
“You want me to come again?”
“Yes. It’s nice to be able to talk to someone other than my brother. I don’t know when he’ll be back to visit me either. He didn’t say earlier.”
“Well then of course I’ll come back to visit. I’ll just come with Jonghyun hyung again after his lunch hour. I enjoy talking to you as well hyung. Now you better get some rest, you’re probably tired.”
“I could use a little nap before dinner. Or least what they call dinner here,” he both laugh again and he smiles down at me.
“Well I’ll see you later then hyung!” I let go of his wrist and he walks to the door. He gives me a wave, which I gladly return, and then he too is gone. I lean back in bed and I let my thoughts go over the questions I had pushed back into my mind when I first saw Kibum earlier. Most of them revolving around why my brother had the same face as this man.
*~*
I continued to run right out of his apartment and out of the building. I didn’t think about where I was going, I just turned and continued to run. The only thing I knew was that I had to get away from Minho. I didn’t even think about all the scars on my back when I stripped down to climb into the shower with him. What was I thinking in the first place? Oh yeah, that’s right I wasn’t thinking. At least not with the right head. How could I possibly think I could get away with something like that? I’m sure Key hyung’s back was flawless, not even a scratch on it. While mine held the remains of my abusive past. Reminders of why I could never be loved by anyone outside of the only family I had left, my brother. Who would want to deal with someone as messed up as me? I have so much baggage that not even the biggest house in Seoul could hold them all.
“You’re a fool Lee Taemin,” I scold myself as I slow my pace down to a jog, “A down right fool. You can’t pull this off. What were you thinking?”
When I finally feel like I can no longer go one step further, I finally stop. I hunch over and breathe hard, trying my best to fill my lungs with as much oxygen as possible. I guess Minho wasn’t chasing me after all. Why would he? I’m a fake. I’m not his Key. I’m just some stupid boy who he mistook for the love of his life.
“Stupid, stupid, stupid,” I mutter under my breath, smacking myself in the forehead. I stand up straight and survey my surroundings. I spot a park across the street and I immediately head for it. I had no idea what I was going to do for tonight. I had no where to go. I had no idea where I was. All my belongings were now in New York. I had nothing. Absolutely nothing.
I let out a long sigh as I take a seat on a swing, hugging the hoodie around me. The soft scent of Minho’s cologne fills my nose and I can’t help the tears that start to form in my eyes. I don’t know how I allowed myself to fall for him so fast, but I did. There was something about him that just told me to let down all my guards and just let him in. And look where it’s gotten me now. I’m alone, with nowhere to go, and nothing at all. I quickly get off the swing and make my way to a nearby bench, pulling my legs up to my chest after I take a seat. I bury my head in my knees and start to cry.
I’ve really screwed up this time and there’s no one to bail me out. I would normally run to Jinki at times like this and he’d magically fix everything. But I can’t do that now. He just woke up from his coma and I’m not even sure if he bought my story that I told him earlier, I was ushered out of the room before I could find out. As far as I know, he probably thinks I’m some crazy guy who escaped from the psych ward of the hospital. I wish I had my stuffed pig, Bakon, with me. At least I had him when Jinki was in that coma. My cries get harder and before I know it, I’ve drifted off into a dreamless sleep.
*~*
I’m trying not to panic as I run around the streets of this busy city. I lost Key a long time ago, I had no idea he could run so fast. I tried to remain focused though, if I broke down then I wouldn’t be able to find him. And that’s all I could think about right now. Find Key and bring him home. I don’t even know why he ran away like that. I was just going to ask him when he got that scar because I definitely don’t remember him ever having it. I thought I knew every single inch of his body, but maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I get too caught up in the passion and lust to really pay attention.
I quickly shake my head to clear it of any thoughts. I needed to focus at the task at him. Finding my boyfriend. He really was in no condition to be running around the city like this. He was just discharged from the hospital. I look around me and try to think of any place he could possibly go.
“The park!” I yell and the people around me start to give me dirty looks. I just smile at them and start to run again. Thank god for soccer or I wouldn’t be able to keep going like this. I send up a silent prayer that he’s at the park, that’s the last place I could think he would go to. I glance up at the sky, it’ll probably be dark by the time I get there. I could have taken a cab if I had thought about grabbing my wallet before exiting my apartment, but that didn’t cross my mind. The only thing on my mind right now is Key, nothing else.
The sun had just finished setting by the time I get to my destination. My legs feel like jello as I walk into the park. I can no longer run even if I tried, I can barely even walk. But I force myself to take each and every step. I wasn’t going to stop looking until I found him and brought him home. I almost lost him a few days ago and I’m not about to lose him now. I know that they will be aching like no other in the morning, but that didn’t matter.
I look all around me for any sign of him as I go deeper into the park, but it’s pretty much deserted. I pass by a few evening joggers and we exchange nods, I would have asked them if they had seen Key, but I know I hate being bothered while jogging so I’m sure they would too. Besides, I had a feeling he was here. It was just a matter of time before I found him. I just didn’t know how much longer my legs would be able to carry me.
I finally reach the playground in the center of the park and I see him. He’s curled into a ball on a bench, hood pulled up over his head and buried into his knees, “Thank you god! Thank you for letting me find him!” I manage to stir up what little strength I have left and run over to him. I collapse in front of the bench and bring my hands up to his shoulders. I give them a little shake and smile when I realize that he fell asleep, a low groan escaping his mouth.
“Baby wake up,” I say to him, continuing to shake his body.
“Ugh,” he responds and curls himself tighter into the ball.
“Baby, it’s already dark out. We need to go back home. You’ll freeze to death if you stay out here.”
He slowly lifts his head and I can see the exhaustion in his face. I’m completely caught off guard when he suddenly pushes me away from him, causing me to fall back on my ass, “Get away from me!”
“Baby,” I stand up, brushing the dirt off my clothes, “What’s wrong?”
He uncurls himself and gets off the bench, “Nothing. Just…”
“Just what?” I place my hands on his shoulders again, “Baby, tell me what’s going on so I can make it right.”
“Nothing is going on. I just want you to leave me alone!”
“What?”
“I don’t deserve you Minho! I’m an ugly, horrible person that should never have met you,” tears are streaming down his face and I lift his head so I can look at him better.
“What are you talking about? You’re not making any sense,” I cup his face between my hands, wiping away the tears that are falling with my fingers.
“I don’t deserve your love Minho. I don’t deserve anyone’s love. I’m just a burden to everyone in my life.”
My eyes widen in shock as he continues to talk, “Ssh, don’t say such things.”
“But it’s the truth!”
“No it’s not,” I pull him into my body and hug him tightly, “None of it is true. You deserve every ounce of my love. It’s me who doesn’t deserve you. I know I’m not the best boyfriend sometimes and I can be a pain in the ass, yet you still put up with me.”
“No Minho…” but I don’t let him say anymore, I bring my lips down to his before he can continue his thought.
“No more nonsense,” I tell him, “Let’s just go home.”
AUTHOR: giveitupjessica
GENRE: AU, Romance, a little angst, comedy
PAIRINGS: Minkey, 2min, Jongkey/Onkey (dunno haven't decided yet)
RATING: G-NC-17 (depending on chapter.. as always)
SUMMARY: You love me the way I've always wanted to be loved but I am merely just a stand in because he's still somewhere out there. The one who you truly love but but I'll take what I can get for now because I've fallen in love with you and you loved me because you gave me his face.
A/N: Sorry for the late update! This chapter might not be what you expected. So yeah... I know a few of you don't like Minnie in this series, but I hope this chapter helps you to understand him better. I'm trying to work on the next chapter of Misguided Angel as well since a lot of people have been asking about it, along with the last part of The Letdown Mini Series I don't know why I've been in the mood to read and write angst lately. haha. Probably because of all the rain. Anyways, enjoy the chapter and come join societyofshinee all the cool people are doing it! Oh and silent readers please comment!
CHAPTER NINE
“I have no idea what’s going on in this drama,” Jinki says, “Who is that girl again?”
“I think that’s the boyfriend’s best friend’s sister who is in love with that guy,” I say.
“Are you sure? I though she was the best friend who was trying to sabotage that one chick.”
“I don’t know. Maybe she is.”
“What’s the name of this?”
“Beats me.”
“Wanna watch something else?”
“Please.”
“Anything in particular you feel like watching?” he grabs the remote and starts to flip through the channels.
“Nope.”
I thought it would be weird for me to be here and it was at first, but it quickly went away. We settled into a weird not really comfortable, but kind of at the same time, silence. I don’t know how to explain it, all I know is that neither one of us were tense anymore. Well I know he wasn’t really tense to begin with, it was just me. It seems like he’s just one of those naturally friendly types.
“There’s nothing on,” he frowns, this is the second time he’s been through all the channels and I can tell he’s easily getting annoyed now.
“Well we can always just sit and talk. Get to know one another and whatnot,” I suggest because frankly it’s probably weird for a complete stranger to just waltz into a room and start to hang out with someone.
“Okay,” he turns off the TV and shifts to face me a little better, “Kibum right?”
“Yes.”
“What are you doing here? Are you sure I don’t know you?”
“You don’t know me. And I’m here because I was on that flight with your brother. The one that crashed. I heard that he was never found though. I’m sorry.”
“But he’s alive.”
“What?”
“My brother, he’s alive. He was just visiting me not too long ago.”
“But…”
“Taemin. That’s my brother’s name. I’m sorry for mistaking you for him earlier. You two kind of look similar.”
“Oh I see,” Taemin… Why does that name sound familiar to me? It sounded familiar when he first said it and now it’s really starting to bug me. Where have I heard that name before?
“He’s the only family I have left you know.”
“What?” I shake my thoughts out of my head and look him in the face.
“My baby brother is all the family I have left.”
“Your parents?”
“Dead from the same car crash that put me in this bed.”
“How long have you been here again?”
“They say two years. They told my brother to just give up on me already and pull the plug, but he never gave up hope. And I know why.”
“Why?”
“Well, you see. Hm… how should I put this?” he stops to think about what to say next and I patiently wait for him to continue what he’s saying, “Taemin… well.”
“You know you don’t have to tell me any of this. We can just talk about something safer, like school or something,” I say, trying to give him a way out of this obviously heavy topic for him.
“I don’t really remember much about school. I’ve been in this coma for two years you know. And it’s true what they say.”
“About what?”
“If you speak to a person in a coma, they can hear you. And I know that I heard my brother all those times he came to visit me. I wanted so desperately to reply to him, to be able to talk to him about all the problems he was having, but I couldn’t. It was a weird and infuriating feeling. Like I was being bond by all these invisible restraints in a box too small for me to fit in. No matter what I did or tried to do, I couldn’t break free.”
“How did you wake up then? If you don’t mind me asking that is.”
“I don’t know. It’s like something just clicked in me and everything was gone all of a sudden. The restraints fell off of me and the box opened up. That’s when I woke up.”
“Ah, I see.”
“It was hard though. To look into my brother’s eyes and see all the pain and hurt he’s been shouldering by himself for the past two years. His life wasn’t easy to begin with and it seems like it only got worst after I fell into the coma.”
“How old is he?”
“He’s about 19 now. He’s a great kid, but he has a lot of baggage and insecurities.”
“Oh.”
“My brother’s life has been a living hell compared to mine. One would think that our lives would be similar, that we’d go through and experience the same things. But that’s not the case. Our parents loathed him, especially our mom. She was constantly telling him that she should never had had him. That she should have stopped after having me.”
“What?” I thoroughly shocked by what he just said, “How can a mother say that to her child?”
“I would think the same thing and I could never come up with a valid reason. Like I said, Taemin is a good kid. He’s smart, sweet, and any parent would love to call him their son. But not our parents, all they ever did was put him down. What hurt the most though, what made me loath our parents as much as they loathed him was how they would abuse him,” he pauses and I can see water starting to build up in his eyes, “Physically.”
“Y-your parents h-hit h-him?” I stutter.
“Not so much our dad since he was so busy with work, it was mostly our mom.”
“S-she h-hit h-him?” I can’t help my own tears that are starting to form.
“Yes. On a daily basis it seems. With whatever she could get her hands on.”
“You mean,” I gulp down the lump in my throat, “She didn’t just hit him with her hand?”
“No. Her favorite was my old tennis racket,” I can still see the tears forming in his eyes, but they don’t fall. They just stay there, trapped behind his eyelids, “I felt like the worst hyung whenever she would hit him because there was nothing I could do to protect him. Sure I would ask and beg her to stop, eventually she would but not after a few good hits first.”
“And what about you? Did she ever hit you?”
“No. She never laid a single finger on me. Our parents doted and spoiled me, giving me anything I wanted without even having to ask for it. I was the perfect son to them, which is why they felt like Taemin wasn’t good enough. Probably because all he ever wanted to do was dance.”
“Oh I see.”
“I want to make it up to him though. Once I’m out of here, I’m going to move us far away so that he’ll never have to think about his awful past ever again. I want him to finally be happy and I don’t think he will be if he stays here.”
*~*
“Minho,” I moan as he starts to kiss my jawline, leading up to my ear before taking the lobe into his mouth and sucking on it. I’ve never felt this kind of pleasure in my life. Well probably because I’ve never been in a relationship before. I never felt like I was good enough for anyone, but Minho is slowly making me realize that I am. I never want to let him go.
“Key?” he pulls away from me and is staring at me with confusion in his eyes. It’s only then that I realize that his hand is tracing over the scar on my right shoulder blade. I had gotten it about a month before the car accident that killed both my parents and put my brother in a coma. I decided to tell my parents that I was gay. I didn’t see the point in keeping it a secret since they already thought so little of me to begin with. Imagine my surprise when they both flared up with anger, yelling and cursing me. My mom got physical, like she always did. She picked up a nearby lamp and threw it at me. I tried to move away and luckily it ended up hitting the corner of the wall instead of me. But one of the rather large shards of it ended up slicing right through my shirt and skin when it burst into pieces. The scar wasn’t as bad is it was before, but it was still there. A faint reminder of that day that I will probably have to live with for the rest of my life.
I stare up at Minho and slowly push him away from me. He just takes another step towards me, hand never leaving the scar. It’s weird, but his hand on it is making it burn. I’m ashamed and feel like running. So that’s exactly what I do. I slip away from him, making sure to keep my back out of view from him. I didn’t want him to see the other scars that I carried. I didn’t want him to see how ugly I truly was. His eyes are focused on me as I slowly climb out of the shower and back out of the bathroom. I can see the questions running through his mind and I couldn’t stick around for him to finally ask them. I had to get out of here.
Once I’m out of the bathroom, I quickly rush over to my clothes and throw them on. I lift my head when I hear the water in the bathroom turn off. My pants are halfway up my thighs and I quickly tug them the rest of the way up. I button and zip them up hurriedly before grabbing the hoodie on the dresser. Then I do the one thing I’ve been good at all my life. I run. I run as fast as I can possibly can, never once looking back to see if Minho was chasing after me.
*~*
I bring my hand up and brush the tears off the boy in front of me, “Tears have no place on a face as pretty as yours. So please don’t cry.”
“I can’t help it,” he sniffs, “It’s just, life has been so cruel to your brother.”
“I know, believe me I know,” I tell him, “But I don’t want you to cry over it. He hates getting sympathy.”
“He’s not here so I’ll cry if I want to.”
“Please don’t. If you continue to cry then I’ll end up crying myself.”
“You can cry if you want. I can see the tears forming in your eyes. Why not just let them fall?”
“Because I’ve shed more than enough tears for my brother. I’ve realized that they will not do him any good. It doesn’t matter how hard I cry for him, nothing will change. The past is still the past. What’s happened is done and over with. If I could, I would go back and change it all. I’d call child protective services or something. Or perhaps I won’t because then we’d most likely be separated and as much as he thinks that he needs me, it’s the other way around. I need him.”
“What do you mean? You’ve been taking care of your brother like an actual parent. How is it that you need him?”
“Because he’s the complete opposite of me. The only reason why our parents loved me so much was because I did what I was told when I was told to do it without any questions. I always just figured that since they were my parents, they knew what was best for me. I’ve realized that that isn’t the case. That the only person who knows what’s best is myself. And I learned that from my brother. He was never afraid to just go after what he wanted no matter what our parents or anyone else thought. You know he came out to them a month before the accident.”
“Came out?”
“He told our parents he was gay. I don’t think I’ve ever seen them that mad before. It was like the icing on the cake.”
“Did they beat him?”
“No. Our mom did throw a lamp at him, but that’s about it. I think they were just over it at that point. They just wanted to wipe themselves clean of him. Didn’t want anything to do with him at all.”
“How can parents feel that way about their own child though?”
“I don’t know. I never understood our parents. I stopped trying early on, focusing all my attention on Taemin. Making sure he knew that he was loved by at least one person in his life.”
“What do you mean?” the tears have finally stopped falling from his face and I’m glad because I really hate when people cry in front of me. I never know what to do. Well I know what to do when it’s my brother, but not when it’s some complete stranger.
“Well he’s never really received love in his life, especially from our parents. I’m the only one who has ever showed him love and he’s always thanked me for it. Saying that he was grateful that I loved him even though he didn’t deserve it. It always broke my heart to hear him say that. I mean isn’t it everyone’s right to love and be loved in return? And then to hear someone close to you say they don’t deserve love is just… It’s heart-wrenching.”
“It is. How did he even come to that conclusion?” I can see the tears forming again and I grab his hand, squeezing it gently.
“Like I said, he hasn’t been on the receiving end very much when it comes to love,” I smile at the other boy to try to lighten the mood, “But don’t worry. I think once we’re far away from this place, he’ll get better. I think this city, this country actually, just holds too many bad memories for him. I think what we both need is a fresh new start. Wipe the slate clean and just start anew, you know what I mean?”
“Yeah. You can finally do what you want in life without having to worry about pleasing your parents. And I’m sure Taemin will have your back through it all too.”
“Oh I know he will. He has actually tried to convince me many times before to just go after my dreams. Screw what our parents want and just concentrate on myself because at the end of the day it’s not my parents that have to deal with my decisions, it’s me. I’m the one who has to life with the rewards as well as the consequences.”
“Your brother is smart for his age.”
“Yeah, he’s always been that way. I’ve been the book smart sibling and he’s been the street smart one. I guess that’s why we got along so well even though we have a few years between us. We’re pretty much all each other have now.”
“You don’t have any other family? Aunts? Uncles? Cousins?”
“Oh I’m sure we do, but our parents never made it a point to introduce us to them. And I’m not about to start looking for long lost family members. If they had no interest in us then than why would they have interest in us now? I don’t know. I guess I’m just trying to protect my brother. He’s been hurt too much and for too long in his life. I just want him to forget about all of it and just be happy now. He deserves it.”
“And you do too,” Kibum places his free hand on top of mine and stares me in the eyes. It’s an intense stare filled with care, “Don’t forget about your own happiness Jinki. You worry so much about your brother, I’m sure he feels like a burden sometimes. That you spend so much time on him, that you can’t focus a little on yourself.”
“I don’t mind it though. I promised to myself that I will do whatever I can to protect my brother and ensure his happiness.”
“But that doesn’t mean you have to sacrifice your own in the process. You’re a very caring person Lee Jinki, I’ve found that out about you early on. But I fear that you’re a little too selfless. You can still look out for yourself while you look out for Taemin.”
“I know. Taemin has scolded me about it too.”
“You should listen to your brother.”
“I should, but old habits die hard,” I let out a little laugh and I’m happy to see a smile cross his face, “How about we change the topic now hm? The air in here is kind of heavy. Let’s talk about you now.”
“Well there’s not much for me to say. I kind of have amnesia.”
“And you don’t remember anything?”
“Well I remember things here and there. But there are a lot of huge gaps and holes all over the place. I have all my childhood memories up until I was about 5 and then there are just random memories after that.”
“That must be frustrating.”
“You wouldn’t believe. Especially since a lot of the recent memories I’m getting back is all centered around one person. And I can’t remember a single thing about this person.”
“Who is it? A family member or something?”
“No.”
“A friend then?”
“No.”
“Then who?”
“I think he’s my lover.”
“Oh?” I question with a raised eyebrow. Of course a guy like him would have a boyfriend. He’s gorgeous and has a big heart. Why else would he be sitting here talking to a random stranger like me.
“Yeah. At least that’s what it seems like in my memories. Then again, I’m not sure if we’re still together or not. I think I’m slowly going insane,” he lets out a forced laugh and I smile at him. I squeeze his hand that I’m still holding and he looks up at me, lips slightly upturned in an innocent smile.
“I’m sure everything will clear itself up in no time. Look at me, I was in a coma for two years and then WHAM!” he laughs at my sudden sound effect which makes me smile more. He really should smile more, he has a beautiful smile, “I’m awake. One day, hopefully soon, you’ll just find the missing key and it’ll just click. Just give it some time. Until then don’t stress so much over it. If you get a memory back great, if not oh well. They’re all in there somewhere.” I playfully tap his forehead with my free hand and he scrunches up his face. Just then I hear someone knock on my door before I see one of the doctor’s from earlier poke his head in. He gives me a warm smile before turning to Kibum.
“Hey Kibum!” the doctor says, “My shift is over. You ready to go now?”
“Oh,” Kibum slowly slips his hand out of mine and I’m surprised at how sad I am that it’s no longer there, “Yeah. Just let me say good-bye really quick.”
“Sure thing, I’ll be waiting by the elevator. It’s good to see that you’re still doing well Jinki-ssi.”
“Thank you doc! I’m hoping that you guys let me go home soon. I have a lot to do. I’m sure my brother hasn’t thrown any of the food out from the fridge,” I laugh.
“Well if you’re still good in a few days, I don’t see why we won’t be able to release you. I think you’ve spent enough of your time here.”
“Oh yeah. More than enough for my whole lifetime,” I laugh and he joins in with me. Once our laughter dies down, he smiles at me and then nods to Kibum before disappearing behind the door again.
“It was great talking to you hyung,” Kibum says to me and I turn to face him. I give him one of my signature smiles and nod my head.
“It was great talking to you as well. Sorry for unloading my sad story on you though.”
“Oh it’s okay. I don’t mind,” he gets up to leave and I grab hold of his wrist before he can start to walk away, “Yes?”
“Will you come to visit me again?”
“You want me to come again?”
“Yes. It’s nice to be able to talk to someone other than my brother. I don’t know when he’ll be back to visit me either. He didn’t say earlier.”
“Well then of course I’ll come back to visit. I’ll just come with Jonghyun hyung again after his lunch hour. I enjoy talking to you as well hyung. Now you better get some rest, you’re probably tired.”
“I could use a little nap before dinner. Or least what they call dinner here,” he both laugh again and he smiles down at me.
“Well I’ll see you later then hyung!” I let go of his wrist and he walks to the door. He gives me a wave, which I gladly return, and then he too is gone. I lean back in bed and I let my thoughts go over the questions I had pushed back into my mind when I first saw Kibum earlier. Most of them revolving around why my brother had the same face as this man.
*~*
I continued to run right out of his apartment and out of the building. I didn’t think about where I was going, I just turned and continued to run. The only thing I knew was that I had to get away from Minho. I didn’t even think about all the scars on my back when I stripped down to climb into the shower with him. What was I thinking in the first place? Oh yeah, that’s right I wasn’t thinking. At least not with the right head. How could I possibly think I could get away with something like that? I’m sure Key hyung’s back was flawless, not even a scratch on it. While mine held the remains of my abusive past. Reminders of why I could never be loved by anyone outside of the only family I had left, my brother. Who would want to deal with someone as messed up as me? I have so much baggage that not even the biggest house in Seoul could hold them all.
“You’re a fool Lee Taemin,” I scold myself as I slow my pace down to a jog, “A down right fool. You can’t pull this off. What were you thinking?”
When I finally feel like I can no longer go one step further, I finally stop. I hunch over and breathe hard, trying my best to fill my lungs with as much oxygen as possible. I guess Minho wasn’t chasing me after all. Why would he? I’m a fake. I’m not his Key. I’m just some stupid boy who he mistook for the love of his life.
“Stupid, stupid, stupid,” I mutter under my breath, smacking myself in the forehead. I stand up straight and survey my surroundings. I spot a park across the street and I immediately head for it. I had no idea what I was going to do for tonight. I had no where to go. I had no idea where I was. All my belongings were now in New York. I had nothing. Absolutely nothing.
I let out a long sigh as I take a seat on a swing, hugging the hoodie around me. The soft scent of Minho’s cologne fills my nose and I can’t help the tears that start to form in my eyes. I don’t know how I allowed myself to fall for him so fast, but I did. There was something about him that just told me to let down all my guards and just let him in. And look where it’s gotten me now. I’m alone, with nowhere to go, and nothing at all. I quickly get off the swing and make my way to a nearby bench, pulling my legs up to my chest after I take a seat. I bury my head in my knees and start to cry.
I’ve really screwed up this time and there’s no one to bail me out. I would normally run to Jinki at times like this and he’d magically fix everything. But I can’t do that now. He just woke up from his coma and I’m not even sure if he bought my story that I told him earlier, I was ushered out of the room before I could find out. As far as I know, he probably thinks I’m some crazy guy who escaped from the psych ward of the hospital. I wish I had my stuffed pig, Bakon, with me. At least I had him when Jinki was in that coma. My cries get harder and before I know it, I’ve drifted off into a dreamless sleep.
*~*
I’m trying not to panic as I run around the streets of this busy city. I lost Key a long time ago, I had no idea he could run so fast. I tried to remain focused though, if I broke down then I wouldn’t be able to find him. And that’s all I could think about right now. Find Key and bring him home. I don’t even know why he ran away like that. I was just going to ask him when he got that scar because I definitely don’t remember him ever having it. I thought I knew every single inch of his body, but maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I get too caught up in the passion and lust to really pay attention.
I quickly shake my head to clear it of any thoughts. I needed to focus at the task at him. Finding my boyfriend. He really was in no condition to be running around the city like this. He was just discharged from the hospital. I look around me and try to think of any place he could possibly go.
“The park!” I yell and the people around me start to give me dirty looks. I just smile at them and start to run again. Thank god for soccer or I wouldn’t be able to keep going like this. I send up a silent prayer that he’s at the park, that’s the last place I could think he would go to. I glance up at the sky, it’ll probably be dark by the time I get there. I could have taken a cab if I had thought about grabbing my wallet before exiting my apartment, but that didn’t cross my mind. The only thing on my mind right now is Key, nothing else.
The sun had just finished setting by the time I get to my destination. My legs feel like jello as I walk into the park. I can no longer run even if I tried, I can barely even walk. But I force myself to take each and every step. I wasn’t going to stop looking until I found him and brought him home. I almost lost him a few days ago and I’m not about to lose him now. I know that they will be aching like no other in the morning, but that didn’t matter.
I look all around me for any sign of him as I go deeper into the park, but it’s pretty much deserted. I pass by a few evening joggers and we exchange nods, I would have asked them if they had seen Key, but I know I hate being bothered while jogging so I’m sure they would too. Besides, I had a feeling he was here. It was just a matter of time before I found him. I just didn’t know how much longer my legs would be able to carry me.
I finally reach the playground in the center of the park and I see him. He’s curled into a ball on a bench, hood pulled up over his head and buried into his knees, “Thank you god! Thank you for letting me find him!” I manage to stir up what little strength I have left and run over to him. I collapse in front of the bench and bring my hands up to his shoulders. I give them a little shake and smile when I realize that he fell asleep, a low groan escaping his mouth.
“Baby wake up,” I say to him, continuing to shake his body.
“Ugh,” he responds and curls himself tighter into the ball.
“Baby, it’s already dark out. We need to go back home. You’ll freeze to death if you stay out here.”
He slowly lifts his head and I can see the exhaustion in his face. I’m completely caught off guard when he suddenly pushes me away from him, causing me to fall back on my ass, “Get away from me!”
“Baby,” I stand up, brushing the dirt off my clothes, “What’s wrong?”
He uncurls himself and gets off the bench, “Nothing. Just…”
“Just what?” I place my hands on his shoulders again, “Baby, tell me what’s going on so I can make it right.”
“Nothing is going on. I just want you to leave me alone!”
“What?”
“I don’t deserve you Minho! I’m an ugly, horrible person that should never have met you,” tears are streaming down his face and I lift his head so I can look at him better.
“What are you talking about? You’re not making any sense,” I cup his face between my hands, wiping away the tears that are falling with my fingers.
“I don’t deserve your love Minho. I don’t deserve anyone’s love. I’m just a burden to everyone in my life.”
My eyes widen in shock as he continues to talk, “Ssh, don’t say such things.”
“But it’s the truth!”
“No it’s not,” I pull him into my body and hug him tightly, “None of it is true. You deserve every ounce of my love. It’s me who doesn’t deserve you. I know I’m not the best boyfriend sometimes and I can be a pain in the ass, yet you still put up with me.”
“No Minho…” but I don’t let him say anymore, I bring my lips down to his before he can continue his thought.
“No more nonsense,” I tell him, “Let’s just go home.”