SORROW
Title: Sorrow
Pairing: NishiKato
Rating: pg-13 for content
Genre: angst, character's death, fluff ( just at the end, because i couldn't finish it without an happy ending!)
Disclaimer: i don't own the boys
Summary: Ryo was told to break up with Shige
Author's Note: thanks go to ayselalliance for the beta"" And thanks to my dear fairy_of_lust because if i've finished this ff is all thanks to her!
SORROW
I was nervous. Last night I received a call from Johnny-san who told me to go see him the next day. Now I was standing in front of Johnny-san's office, waiting. As the time passed my anxiety grew rapidly. Finally his secretary told me to go in. Johnny-san was standing in front of the window, looking outside.
He didn't even bother to look at me, he just indicated something on the table and said "Look at those". I walked to the desk and looked at what was on it. I froze. They were photos. Photos of me and Shige kissing. I really didn't know what to say, but it seemed like I didn't have to say anything because Johnny-san started to talk
" About two months ago a friend of mine was out with his wife and he saw you guys kissing. I couldn't believe it, but I wanted to make sure. So I asked my secretary to follow you. And those are the results of the following. Now, I can understand that you love each other, but it would be a really great scandal if someone found out. What I'm asking you is to break up with Kato-kun, I don't want to know how you do it, just do it. Or else i will have to take action. Now you can go."
I just nodded and then I left. From that day on I started to avoid Shige as much as I could. It hurt me to see his sad face everytime I ignored him, but it was for our sake, so I endured it. Eventually I made the without-come-back step: I left him, and it had been the beginning of the end.
*********
Shige woke up. The night before he had forgotten to close the curtains and now the light was cutting into his eyes like a knife. At first he didn't remember anything, but then realization hit him all at once. The night before he had fallen asleep, crying. He was crying because Ryo had left him. Yes, Ryo had gone, without a word.
In the morning Shige had left for school, and Ryo had been sleeping peacefully. But when Shige came back home, Ryo wasn't there anymore. There was just a note on the coffee table. The note said:
Shige,
I'm sorry.
I've realized the one I really love is not you.
I'm going to stay with her from now on.
She says she has loved me since forever.
Finally we found each other and now we are happy so don't come bother me anymore.
Please forget about this time spent together.
It was a mistake.
Goodbye,
Ryo
When Shige read the note he felt his heart break into thousands of pieces. Did this mean that Ryo had just been messing around with him the whole time they had spent together? Shige really loved Ryo. No, he still really loved Ryo. So how could he have said "It was just a mistake"? Shige couldn't believe the note was true because if it were, the sorrow would have forced him to break down.
And the worst part was that NEWS' activities were starting in two days. Two days, then Shige would have been forced to face Ryo. And Shige was well aware that he couldn't face Ryo just yet. It would have just increased the throbbing pain in his chest. But Shige was a professional and he wouldn't have let his personal problems with Ryo affect his work.
Two days later, Shige grabbed his keys and mobile phone and headed off. Along the way, Shige kept thinking about the best way to face Ryo. When he got to the Jimusho, he discovered that NEWS' activities had been postponed for a hour, but the manager hadn’t been able to contact either Ryo or Shige.
Shige panicked. Sure, he wanted to talk with Ryo, but he realized that maybe he wasn't ready to face the other at all. He slowly made his way to the dressing room but he hesitated at the door. He was contemplating the idea of hiding somewhere in the Jimusho and coming out once an hour had passed.
Eventually, Shige managed to overcome his doubts and entered the room. Ryo was half sitting, half lying on the couch, reading a magazine. When Ryo heard someone arrive, he lifted his head to see who it was. Upon seeing Shige standing in the doorway, his face remained void and blank. It hurt Shige. He wasn't expecting Ryo to come crying and saying that he was sorry, but he could at least show a little remorse for the pain that he had caused him. Shige sat on a chair as far as possible from the couch, which was still too near for Shige.
They said nothing for several seconds. The silence was awkward and stilted. Shige broke the ice with a "Good morning" that sounded more like a whisper than a proper greeting. In fact, Ryo didn't seem to have heard it, so Shige tried again a little bit louder. Ryo didn't answer, so Shige tried once more. This time he dredged up a proper and maybe a little uncomfortably cheerful "Good morning".
Ryo finally lifted his head and showed Shige a fierce glare.
"I heard it since the first time," he said before returning to his magazine.
Shige started to feel a rush of anger boiling inside his veins. Even though it was really hard and painful, he was trying to get along with Ryo, and the only thing he got in return was a nasty glare. He tried to count to ten, taking deep breaths, but it didn't work. Eventually, all the humiliation, pain, loneliness, and anger that he felt in the past two days came out and Shige exploded.
"Hey! You’re the one who left me, saying that it was all a mistake. You can’t even imagine how hurt I felt. But right now I am trying to forget all of that and have a normal conversation with you because we still have to work together. You are not helping me at all, even though this is all your fault. I really hate you now," Shige shouted.
Shige was breathing hard from all the shouting and now he also felt warm tears sliding down his cheeks. He couldn't stand being around Ryo anymore. He picked his bag up and stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind him.
For a long time after Shige had run away, Ryo didn't move from his spot on the couch. But he wasn't reading anymore, his eyes couldn't see the words written on the page anymore because tears were now blocking his view.
He didn’t meant to hurt Shige, he didn't mean to leave him. He had done all that for Shige's sake. Shige deserved someone better than him. Shige had said many times that he became gay just for Ryo. And every time Ryo was hurt by that comment because he wanted to make Shige happy. But he knew that as long as they had to hide their relationship, they could have never had a normal and peaceful relationship.
Shige deserved that sort of happiness. So Ryo decided to write that note, pretending that he had never loved Shige. It was like ripping his own heart out to put those harsh lies onto paper. Ryo felt like he had been stabbed anew, right in the hear,t when he saw Shige's painful expression from that morning.
Ryo was still crying and drowning in his own sad thoughts when he heard a loud crash. He came out of his dazed state and ran to the window. Outside, there was a body lying on the ground and Ryo had a terrible premonition. He ran down the stairs and burst out the door.
Outside, a large crowd had already gathered. He asked some of the people there what had happened. They said that a boy ran out of the building and was crossing the road when a car hit him really hard. His fears grew bigger when he heard that. Ryo shoved his way through and finally he managed to get through it. He froze. His worst fear was unfolding.
Laying on the ground was Shige, covered in blood, tears still falling from his eyes. Ryo fell on his knees and hugged him, begging Shige to hold onto life. He asked Shige to forgive him. He told him that he loved him and that he would have loved him forever. Suddenly Ryo felt Shige's clammy hand caressing his face. Ryo bent down and kissed Shige's lips. As he looked up, Shige had closed his eyes for the last time.
*************************
Seventy years later...
The day Shige left me, my world vanished. The first months, I tried to pull myself together and live on. Soon I realized it was impossible for me to act as if nothing had happened. Just when I decided to accept the reality, I started to feel more and more depressed. I quit the idol world because everything there reminded me of Shige. I didn't want to see anyone.
My friends tried really hard to help me, but the truth is I didn't want to be helped. I even decided to commit suicide, but then I thoght it was somehow my fault if Shige was dead. But I didn't had to punish myself beacuse of that. I just decided to live the rest of my life happily. I decided to live also for Shige who was dead.
I retired. I've lived these last seventy years in a small house with a little Zen Garden inside. When they were not busy with work, my friends would come to see me. We would talk for hours and hours about random and silly things, like when we were young. But there was always the unspoken agreement not to mention Shige. Only when I was alone, I would take out pictures of Shige and me, remembering the happy months we spent together.
Yesterday was my funeral. Now I'm in front of Paradise's doors. Someone is coming this way, from his figure I can tell that it's a boy and he's smiling at me.
Ah, it's Shige! He is as beautiful as ever. I stare at him in awe. He kisses me! His lips are sweet, just as I remember. When the kiss ends Shige smiles at me once again and I grin back at him like a fool. He takes my hand and guides me into Paradise.
From now on we're going to live happily together, loving each other without people's prejudices. It's true that technically I died yesterday, but now I feel more alive than ever in the last seventy years.