This is me venting...ignore it if you wish.
I just feel like a kid who keeps getting continually beat up and I'm at that point where I just take the hits now. I'm just numb. Until I cry.
The Matt thing is still kind of bothering me. And the fact that Chrissy and all them are gone again. I invested more of myself than I should've in all that. They're the same people they always have been, even if I wanted to believe they'd grown up. They haven't. They never will. Kind of sucks.
I just feel so useless. Like I just can't write anymore. I have so many papers that getting continually assigned to me. It's so overwhelming. My brain and my thought process has just shut down. Like I legitimately cannot handle this workload. I want to but even trying to write something just makes me want to throw my computer out the window and cry. Minus throwing my computer out the window that is what I am currently doing. And then Lauren and Ashley are coming this weekend and I'm so glad they are because I know they'll bring schoolwork and we can all study together and they'll bring home here and I really really need a dose of home. But then Carl wants to come again next weekend and I love him but it's so much when he comes here and stays with me for so long and I can't get as much done as I want to and if he comes next weekend thats three weekends in a row people will be here and I need my weekends more then ever, not to go out but to work. And I can't tell him not to come here because he sort of invited himself on the spot and then bought the tickets so i'm just stuck. And this is when I hate Kevin for being a selfish bastard and doing whatever Kristi wants him to do.
And I'm hungry but I have no money to buy food. In fact I have no money to do anything. I'm running out of toothpaste, but I don't have any money or transportation to get more. I need hair stuff, but I had to put it back last time I went to Walgreens bc I have no money. I need to do laundry but I'm out of quarters so I can only wash one load at a time and I have no quarters to dry it. I need to see a play for Drama which costs money. I need another book for Ad. Lit. that costs money. Lauren and Ashley will probably want to go out to dinner-money. I've never struggled this much. It's killing me.
And I haven't been placed for student teaching yet. I have a writing professor who has no idea what she's doing but when she decides on what she wants, she tells us we've done it wrong. I have three seperate research papers to write, a teaching demonstration and reflection, three paper revisions, a unit plan, a novel to finishand books upon books to read. I'm starting to forget what it felt like to enjoy writing papers. I really am. I used to love it. LOVE. I used to go at a textual analysis with excitement and vigor. Making different interpretations, exploring where my mind could go, bringing in outside sources-it used to make me feel so good. Now I get papers thrown at me left and right with breezy comments written and demands of revision. I am on the edge and continually get pushed closer and closer off the cliff, and I just can't take it anymore.
I just can't.
The Matt thing is still kind of bothering me. And the fact that Chrissy and all them are gone again. I invested more of myself than I should've in all that. They're the same people they always have been, even if I wanted to believe they'd grown up. They haven't. They never will. Kind of sucks.
I just feel so useless. Like I just can't write anymore. I have so many papers that getting continually assigned to me. It's so overwhelming. My brain and my thought process has just shut down. Like I legitimately cannot handle this workload. I want to but even trying to write something just makes me want to throw my computer out the window and cry. Minus throwing my computer out the window that is what I am currently doing. And then Lauren and Ashley are coming this weekend and I'm so glad they are because I know they'll bring schoolwork and we can all study together and they'll bring home here and I really really need a dose of home. But then Carl wants to come again next weekend and I love him but it's so much when he comes here and stays with me for so long and I can't get as much done as I want to and if he comes next weekend thats three weekends in a row people will be here and I need my weekends more then ever, not to go out but to work. And I can't tell him not to come here because he sort of invited himself on the spot and then bought the tickets so i'm just stuck. And this is when I hate Kevin for being a selfish bastard and doing whatever Kristi wants him to do.
And I'm hungry but I have no money to buy food. In fact I have no money to do anything. I'm running out of toothpaste, but I don't have any money or transportation to get more. I need hair stuff, but I had to put it back last time I went to Walgreens bc I have no money. I need to do laundry but I'm out of quarters so I can only wash one load at a time and I have no quarters to dry it. I need to see a play for Drama which costs money. I need another book for Ad. Lit. that costs money. Lauren and Ashley will probably want to go out to dinner-money. I've never struggled this much. It's killing me.
And I haven't been placed for student teaching yet. I have a writing professor who has no idea what she's doing but when she decides on what she wants, she tells us we've done it wrong. I have three seperate research papers to write, a teaching demonstration and reflection, three paper revisions, a unit plan, a novel to finishand books upon books to read. I'm starting to forget what it felt like to enjoy writing papers. I really am. I used to love it. LOVE. I used to go at a textual analysis with excitement and vigor. Making different interpretations, exploring where my mind could go, bringing in outside sources-it used to make me feel so good. Now I get papers thrown at me left and right with breezy comments written and demands of revision. I am on the edge and continually get pushed closer and closer off the cliff, and I just can't take it anymore.
I just can't.