Life goes on...
Regardless of the fact that February has only been 29 days I truly believe these have been the longest 29 days of my entire life. Honestly. Even longer than that nightmare period in Nevada. Eek.
I however am choosing to look at this in a somewhat positive light. Because that's just what I do. And I blame that on snowball haha.
I lost my grandmother (bubby) this month. Valentine's day in fact. It was sometime before or directly after midnight on the night of the 14th, and I know this is because she didn't want to die on Valentine's day, but it's never going to be the same. I just know it. But this loss, and end of a life is a sort of new beginning. I miss her, more than I thought I would actually, but I really do. And there is an overwhelming silence in my grandparents house now, a subdued expectation that she will come yelling something around the corner any minute. But she won't. And it is going to take me quite some time to really comprehend that.
But it was an end to her suffering. She's been battling Lukemia for quite some time now and during the last two months it was ridiculously difficult. So much pain, so much going to the hospital (she HATED hospitals), so much necessary care for her when she was the one that liked to be in control and take care of everyone else--honestly, it's better for her to be done with it now. And I hold onto the fact that I wrote something beautiful about her and my zadie when I found out the week before that she was dying. I was not home and not even at ISU and my coping mechanism was to write. I've written about my dad's parents before but it was not in a very positive light. This piece that I wrote however took all their endearing, qualities, quirks and memories as grandparents, parents and two people who loved each other more than words can express and put it into prose. I wanted to read it to her that weekend, but she didn't make it. I read it at her funeral though, and I do believe she heard it.
It's a new beginning for my zadie, living alone for the first time in his life, as is the way of many people of that generation who went from their parents house to being married. It's pulling the entire side of my dad's family together though, my cousins and I close again like we were when we were kids, all of us working together to help our zadie through this, and our fathers, and our family. I feel a connection to my family and hertiage that I have not felt since I was young, and I know she's a huge part of it. New beginnings again.
And on a much much pettier note, the relationship I've been in for three months just ended. It was harsher and less personal than I wanted it to be, but it was time. I went into it hesitant and unsure, and came out of it admittedly hurt and a bit angry. But it is what it is. I don't regret it the way I regretted the last relationship I was in and if I put it in the context of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, I wouldn't want to erase it. And I would enjoy several of the memories brought back to me. It just stings a bit now, but I know it won't soon enough. This end though was another type of new beginning, because I can focus on my family and my friends and my teaching, which I'm getting closer to every day and loving. Microteaching, T.A.ing...it's all so much fun and I just love it and know I'll love doing it as a career. It's a lot of work, but the outcomes are spectacular.
This post was much longer than I set out for it to be. But I guess that's because so much has gone on in one month. The majority of it was difficult, heart-wrenching at points, and I don't remember the last time I've cried this much. Crying to the point where your face and body and soul just aches. But the aches are slowly fading and I'm slowly getting back into living my life again, and yes I do realize how much of a gift that is, and how unfortunate that we forget that until we are reminded by a death. But that's the way it goes...
I feel relieved and exhausted, but a hopeful kind of exhausted. This month is over, I've gotten through it and I feel stronger from it. Things will get better from this point on, I know it. I don't know how, but I do.
I however am choosing to look at this in a somewhat positive light. Because that's just what I do. And I blame that on snowball haha.
I lost my grandmother (bubby) this month. Valentine's day in fact. It was sometime before or directly after midnight on the night of the 14th, and I know this is because she didn't want to die on Valentine's day, but it's never going to be the same. I just know it. But this loss, and end of a life is a sort of new beginning. I miss her, more than I thought I would actually, but I really do. And there is an overwhelming silence in my grandparents house now, a subdued expectation that she will come yelling something around the corner any minute. But she won't. And it is going to take me quite some time to really comprehend that.
But it was an end to her suffering. She's been battling Lukemia for quite some time now and during the last two months it was ridiculously difficult. So much pain, so much going to the hospital (she HATED hospitals), so much necessary care for her when she was the one that liked to be in control and take care of everyone else--honestly, it's better for her to be done with it now. And I hold onto the fact that I wrote something beautiful about her and my zadie when I found out the week before that she was dying. I was not home and not even at ISU and my coping mechanism was to write. I've written about my dad's parents before but it was not in a very positive light. This piece that I wrote however took all their endearing, qualities, quirks and memories as grandparents, parents and two people who loved each other more than words can express and put it into prose. I wanted to read it to her that weekend, but she didn't make it. I read it at her funeral though, and I do believe she heard it.
It's a new beginning for my zadie, living alone for the first time in his life, as is the way of many people of that generation who went from their parents house to being married. It's pulling the entire side of my dad's family together though, my cousins and I close again like we were when we were kids, all of us working together to help our zadie through this, and our fathers, and our family. I feel a connection to my family and hertiage that I have not felt since I was young, and I know she's a huge part of it. New beginnings again.
And on a much much pettier note, the relationship I've been in for three months just ended. It was harsher and less personal than I wanted it to be, but it was time. I went into it hesitant and unsure, and came out of it admittedly hurt and a bit angry. But it is what it is. I don't regret it the way I regretted the last relationship I was in and if I put it in the context of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, I wouldn't want to erase it. And I would enjoy several of the memories brought back to me. It just stings a bit now, but I know it won't soon enough. This end though was another type of new beginning, because I can focus on my family and my friends and my teaching, which I'm getting closer to every day and loving. Microteaching, T.A.ing...it's all so much fun and I just love it and know I'll love doing it as a career. It's a lot of work, but the outcomes are spectacular.
This post was much longer than I set out for it to be. But I guess that's because so much has gone on in one month. The majority of it was difficult, heart-wrenching at points, and I don't remember the last time I've cried this much. Crying to the point where your face and body and soul just aches. But the aches are slowly fading and I'm slowly getting back into living my life again, and yes I do realize how much of a gift that is, and how unfortunate that we forget that until we are reminded by a death. But that's the way it goes...
I feel relieved and exhausted, but a hopeful kind of exhausted. This month is over, I've gotten through it and I feel stronger from it. Things will get better from this point on, I know it. I don't know how, but I do.