FIC: Of Terminators and Training Wheels- Chapter 18
(Here be Chapter One if you missed the beginning)
DISCLAIMER: I don't own the characters of Sam and Dean or Bobby Singer... or Princess Leia, Obi-Wan and Jabba the Hutt for that matter (hmm this chapter got weird). I do own the characters of Topher and Tiffany... but its ok, I'm seeking therapy for it.
WARNINGS: More underage drinking, kid on kid violence and crotch related injuries...
CHAPTER 18-
The party was hopping on Jabba the Hutt's Sand Barge.
Space Age Synthesized Jazz blasted through the air amidst a crowd of Intergalactic creatures great and small. Droids serving drinks and green skinned dancing girls gyrated seductively before his eyes. But his attention was fixed on one figure and one figure alone: The dark haired, bikini clad beauty held captive at the giant Space Slug's throne... Princess Leia.
"Help me, Dean Winchester!" she pleaded with her large brown puppy eyes, "You're my only hope!"
"Don't worry, I'll save you," Dean said, swaggering towards the throne, "I'll save you, Princess Leia!"
"Oh ho! You call yourself a Jedi, Winchester?" Jabba the Hutt spoke out in Huttese as subtitles conveniently appeared superimposed over his girth, "You are nothing but Bantha Fodder! The Princess stays with me! Get your own girl!"
"Oh, Dean! Save me too," the dancing girl sashayed his way, turning into Apollonia Kotero as she did so, "I'll do anything! Take me with you! We can jump topless in the lake together!"
She threw her arms around Dean's neck as the band began playing Purple Rain in the background.
"Well, that sounds like a plan..." Dean said, nuzzling against her ear.
"Don't forget about me!" a droid serving drinks rolled towards him morphing into a Hooters waitress with a tray full of hot wings, "Save me too! I want to give you your birthday spankings, you naughty naughty little boy!"
"I can handle that too," Dean grinned.
Ignoring Apollonia's frown he wrapped his other arm around the Hooters Girl allowing her to feed him a hot wing.
"EWW!" he spat the morsel out suddenly tasting grass and dirt.
"What's the big idea!" Apollonia snapped, shoving him hard against the ground, "You're supposed to be saving me!"
"No! Me!" the Hooters Girl huffed, kicking him in the side, "You're saving me now!"
"I saw him first, Bitches!" Princess Leia roared, hopping off Jabba's throne and swinging her chain right at Dean's head, "He's saving me!"
"OWW!" Dean cried out as the chain whacked him right across the forehead, "What the..."
"Me! Save me now!" Princess Leia knocked the other girls away as she pulled Dean up and handed him a long rope.
Dean's head was throbbing with pain, but he obligingly wrapped his arm around Leia's slender waist and held her tight as they swung Tarzan style away from Jabba's Barge.
"Oh Dean!" Princess Leia cooed, as they continued to swing dizzily around and around, "You saved me!"
"Is...Is it just me," Dean grimaced, his stomach beginning to churn, "Or is this making you seasick too?"
"Kiss me you ridiculously handsome Jedi Knight you!" the Princess demanded.
Dean squeezed the beautiful woman in his arms lowering his mouth to hers.
"SQUEAK!" cried Princess Leia as her fuzzy yellow lips pressed against Dean's.
"Buh?" Dean startled, blinking in confusion at the happy bear's face grinning up at him.
A pair of legs in a long brown cloak strolled over and he glanced up to see Obi-Wan standing above him, his wise old face blocking out the bright sun.
"Forget it, Dean, it'll never work," Obi-Wan spoke in Bobby Singer's gruff voice, "For one thing, she's your sister! For another, you're actually kissing a Pooh Bear! And thirdly… Will you wake up already and save your brother, ya idjit!"
"Crap!"
Dean snapped awake suddenly to find himself lying face down in the backyard of his childhood home, his head pounding with a dull ache and his lips locked onto Sam's Pooh Bear.
"GAH!" he groaned, spitting out yellow fur, "Friggin' bear!"
He rolled over woozily, barely managing to sit up as the world tilted sideways beneath him. Clinging to the grass to keep himself from sliding off the face of the Earth he glanced up to see Gordon Walker carrying the struggling and terrified Sam towards the kiddie pool. Ok, so there were two Gordons, two Sams and two pools, but Dean got the general idea.
"S...Sammy!" he croaked out crawling forward unsteadily.
Making his way to rescue his brother would be so much easier he decided if the world would just be kind enough to stop spinning for one freakin' minute. The world, it seemed, was not in a very kind sort of mood at the moment. The world instead was in a rather viciously ironic state of mind as his hand missed the ground mid-crawl and landed instead on a nearby Sit 'N' Spin. The Sit 'N' Spin did what Sit 'N' Spins do best and spun out from under him sending him sprawling face first to taste the grass and dirt once more.
"This couldn't have worked out better if I'd planned it," Gordon chuckled leering down at his captive, "Little Demons your age should never be left unattended around a pool like this. Accidents will happen, you know. And this will look just like an accident. Heh heh. They'll probably even blame Big Brother Dean for not looking after you like he should. Maybe I'll actually let him live to face the consequences, whatd'ya think of that, Sammy?"
"IFFS... S'MMM...!" Sam grunted furiously against Gordon's hand.
"Oh, whatever..." Gordon rolled his eyes, "Guess I can grant you one final request. 'Cause now Sam Winchester sleeps with the fishes... and this little Octopus Guy too."
Sam squeezed his eyes shut tight as Gordon lowered him head first towards the shimmering water. His heart was racing, blood pounding in his ears as a strangely familiar sensation enveloped his entire being. At first, he thought he was about to make yet more ammo for the catapult. But then a powerful serge coursed through him and he felt a push of pure energy as the kiddie pool flew up into the air, flipped over completely and emptied its contents over Gordon's head. The Cub Scout stood gasping and sputtering drenched to the bone and staring at the child in his grasp who remarkably remained dry.
"My God," he uttered fearfully, "You really are a Demon!"
"And you really are a Son of a Bitch!" Dean growled, racing forward to bring the Sit 'N' Spin crashing down against Gordon's back and shoulders.
The Cub Scout arched in pain dropping the toddler at once before collapsing to the ground himself. Sam pushed himself into a sitting position and looked over to see Dean swaying on his feet as the Sit 'N' Spin slipped from his hands.
"DEAN!" Sam cried out as his brother staggered backwards and then landed on his butt in the damp grass.
He tried to crawl forward to Dean's aid. But now Gordon was sitting up, shaking his head and focusing his attention on the older Winchester once more.
"Just don't know when to stay down, do ya Deano?" Gordon spat, getting to his feet and cracking his knuckles as he marched towards the still dazed boy.
Sam looked about frantically, his eyes at last landing on the Playskool toolbox. Grasping the plastic hammer in his tiny fist he charged forward and slammed the tool right smack into Gordon's crotch.
"HOOOOOOOO!" Gordon howled, his eyes crossing in agony.
Dean blinked, struggling to clear his vision as he was sure he was missing something very important. His arm fell into the kiddie pool and he scooped up the last little handful of water left inside, splashing it against his face. His eyes focused in time to see his baby brother furiously pounding the Playskool hammer over and over again into the Walker Family Jewels.
"Yowza," he muttered, shaking off the last of his wooziness.
Gordon, who had been struggling in vain to protect his valuables from the toddler's assault, finally managed to catch hold of the hammer and rip it from Sam's grasp sending the smaller boy falling forward. He bent down to grab hold of the little child but before he could do any harm, Dean was flying forward leaping onto Gordon's back.
"Leave him alone you bastard!" he raged wrapping his arms around Gordon's neck as the larger boy tried to buck him off.
Sam managed to push himself up off the ground and out of the path of Gordon's stomping feet. He caught hold of the Cub Scout's leg and tried to bite the back of his calf. Quickly realizing that this was a fruitless effort and he was doing little more than drool down his enemy's leg, he grabbed up the hammer again and went for the boy's groin once more.
Dean for his part had managed to wrap his legs around Gordon's waist and now caught hold of the yellow neckerchief, pulling the cloth tight around the Cub Scout's throat.
"How you like me now, Bitch!" he yelled in Gordon's ear, "Not so tough without your Nerf Gun are ya!"
Meanwhile inside the Winchester Home, Tiffany furiously wrenched the cap off another bottle of beer and downed half the contents as she stared in disbelief at her so called boyfriend. The teenage boy was skipping in front of the TV dancing along with the Medieval costumed idiots on the screen as they all formed a giant 'S' with their arms.
"We can dance, we can dance... Everybody look at your hands... We can dance, we can dance... Everybody takin' the cha-a-a-ance... It's the Safety dance! Safety Dance!...Is it safe to dance... Is it safe to dance... Ooh yeah! Safety Dance!"
"Tooooophhhheeeerrr!" Tiffany whined, "Are you like ever gonna like turn off that bogus TV and come sit with me? I can't believe yer like totally blowing this completely bitchin' opportunity to like make out an' stuff fer reals!"
"Oh... ahh... I will Honey Muffin," Topher stammered, "I... I... uhh... I just think maybe we oughta check on the kids first. You know make sure they aren't getting too hot in the sun... or... uhh... kid... kidnapped by some gun toting killer who's then going to come after us... You... uhh... you... wanna come along with me, huh?"
"Oh whatevers!" Tiffany huffed, hopping up off the couch and taking Topher's hand as they made their way into the kitchen.
Topher swallowed hard as they approached the back door. He didn't want to think of anything horrible happening to the children. But his mind was filled with images of Michael Myers, Jason Voorhees and the Hook Man coming after them all for being young, horny and stupid. The kids had been so sincere about this Gordon Walker character coming to get them. What if he were to open that curtain to find the pair of little boys hacked to pieces on the lawn and a madman fogging up the glass with his breath as he stared at his next victims. Hands trembling, the teen reached out and carefully pulled the curtain aside to see...
"Holy Crap!"
Right before his very eyes, the Winchester children were beating the stuffing out of a defenseless Cub Scout! The five-year-old was straddling the Scout's shoulders, strangling the boy with his own neckerchief, while the baby brutally hammered the poor child in a very sensitive area. Topher's own sensitive area ached in sympathy as he flung open the door and raced outside to put an end to the madness.
"STOP! STOP IT!" he shouted, grabbing a Winchester in each arm and pulling them away from their victim, "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU KIDS!"
"IT'S GORDON!" Dean screamed, reaching out to try and grab hold of the neckerchief again, "HE'S TRYING TO KILL US!"
"Whoa, wait... This is Gordon?" Topher asked, holding the Winchesters back even as Sam managed to get a few more crotch whacks in before the teen took his hammer away, "This... ? Is Gordon...?"
The youth stood blinking down at the small boy standing before him in a soaking wet Scout uniform. And then a loud snort erupted from his nostrils and he bent over laughing, slapping his hand against his knee.
"HA HA HA!" he chortled, "This is Gordon! Gordon Walker! Oh HA HA HA! You crazy kids had me so worked up! HA HA HA! A CUB SCOUT! Gordon Walker... is a CUB SCOUT! BWAH HA HA HA HA!"
"Why does everyone keep laughing about me?" Gordon grumbled, adjusting his neckerchief and fixing his cap.
"'Cause you're a joke you sorry son of a bitch!" Dean snapped, charging forward again.
"Uh uh!" Topher scolded holding the child back, "No more of that! Wow, Old Man Winchester is going to have to wash your mouth out with soap when he gets home!"
"That's nothing compared to what he'll do to you when he finds out you were feeling up the babysitter while Gordon Walker tried to drown Sammy!"
Topher looked over at Gordon shocked.
"Mister, I did no such thing!" Gordon said with childlike innocence, "I came over to play and the Winchesters dunked me in the pool! Just look at me! I'm the only one who's wet!"
"Oh, you evil bastard..." Dean growled as Gordon smiled smugly.
"Now what's going on with you kids?" Topher asked, "Why can't you two play nice with your little friend here?"
"He's not our friend!" Dean hissed, "He's the killer from the future we told you about! He did try to drown Sam! And he beat me over the head with a gun!"
Dean lifted up his bangs and showed the teenager the huge lump forming just over his eyebrow.
"That was self-defense," Gordon protested, "They attacked me first and I just don't understand why. All I wanted to do was sell them some cookies!"
And then both Winchesters gasped in horror and outrage as Gordon tilted his head, stuck out his lower lip and batted his eyelashes to flash the saddest puppy dog look ever.
"Oh, no you didn't!" Dean roared.
"Damn you, Gordon!" Sam spat, "That's my signature look! It took me years to perfect that look! How dare you!"
He snatched the hammer back from the teen and launched himself in a flurry of pure toddler rage towards Gordon's groin, only to be halted when Topher grabbed him by the back of the shirt and hoisted him into the air.
"That is enough!" the youth insisted, "Now I don't know how Mr. Winchester has been raising you, but while I'm here you're going to behave and act right!"
"Just leave them with me, Sir," Gordon beamed sincerely, "I can teach them some manners… Scout's Honor!"
"Don't you leave us alone with him!" Dean insisted.
Topher shook his head and headed towards the house where Tiffany stood by the window guzzling down the last drop of beer.
"Sweetie Pie," Topher said, "I'll be right back. You watch the kids and make sure they don't start anything."
"Ohmigod!" Tiffany choked, spitting out the beer as she caught sight of Gordon, "Like how many kids does Old Man Winchester have, fer reals!"
"GORDON IS NOT A WINCHESTER!" Dean bellowed at the top of his lungs.
"Copy my puppy dog look... Why I oughta..." Sam grumbled as Gordon and the brothers glared daggers at one another.
Topher returned quickly, his arms loaded with an assortment of board games and toys which he spread out on the picnic table. He then lifted Sam up onto his hip while herding Dean and Gordon towards the pile of playtime goodness.
"See here!" he said, cheerfully, "There are so many activities you can enjoy besides fighting! Look, you two have all sorts of nice quiet games for your age level... And then for the little guy we've got this great bucket and shovel that he can build sandcastles with! Won't that be fun?"
"Oh, Dude..." Sam griped as the teenager plunked him down into the sandbox, "There's cat shit in here!"
Topher ignored him, hurrying back to get the older boys settled onto their picnic benches.
"All righty, kids!" he said, patting their heads, "Tiffany and I will be right on the back porch watching you. So play nice or else Gordon will have to go home!"
"We want Gordon to go home!" Dean seethed, "In fact, we want Gordon to go to Hell!"
"Now, now, Dean," Gordon said coolly, "We can be civil as long as we're being watched..."
He cut his eyes over to the two teenagers on the porch. Tiffany sat glumly drumming her fingers against her cheek until Topher produced a beer from his pocket. Soon the couple were giggling and exchanging kisses as they passed the bottle back and forth.
"Doesn't seem like we're being watched all that closely though, does it?"
"Wrong, Gordo!" Dean spat back, "I'm watching you! You try any more funny stuff and I'll be on you before you can give the Wolf Cub Howl for Help!"
"Easy there, tiger," Gordon mocked, "We both know any action we take is just gonna get broken up by Sid Vicious over there. So for the time being, let's just chill and deal with this unfortunate situation like mature, rational adults... Wanna play Candy Land?"
"I was always partial to Hungry Hungry Hippos myself," Dean said, keeping his eyes locked on his nemesis.
"Hungry Hungry Hippos it is then," the older boy stated, reaching for the box, "Hmm... Says here this game may pose a choking hazard to children under 3... How about we let little Sammy join in the fun?"
"How about you bite me!" Sam sassed, shoveling some of the more solid bits of sand in Gordon's direction.
Dean leapt up suddenly and pushed all but one game off of the picnic table.
"Gordon! You leave my brother out of this!" he growled, nostrils flaring, "This is just between you and me now! We're gonna settle this once and for all, man to man... with Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots!"
Next Chapter
AUTHOR'S NOTE: So Gordon's attempt on Sam's life has been foiled… or has it?... Uh oh…
The lyrics above were performed by Men Without Hats.