epic fail
so saturday night was a bit of a failure. heidi came down. savoir was playing at union hall. marcel was having his birthday at canal room where rubix cube was playing. and french horn was djing at the delancey. or so i thought. i was too lazy to go to park slope. it's not even that far. i just didn't want to go back there. the one and only time i went to union hall was the start of the worst 24 hours of my life. i wasn't eager to return. although this time would have been completely different. in a way, that was the reason i SHOULD have gone...to wash the bad taste out of my mouth, to no longer associate that venue with heartbreak and unspoken things. i called paul earlier in the day but he never called me back. so i gave up on the whole thing, stupidly.
instead we headed downtown around 10. went to the thai restaurant to meet marcel and friends. had some of marcel's mom's cake. headed over to the canal room. it's one of those asshole places that makes you stand outside so it looks like it's hard to get into. ugh. we went out for a smoke after a while. that's when heidi spotted johanna and johanna spotted heidi and promptly turned around. i felt so bad. she came in eventually. we never spoke or acknowledged each other. i had been in such a good mood. i hadn't felt that good in months. i was so hyper and excited and not anxious. i was surprised at my reaction. i thought that when i saw her my heart would start pounding and i would hyperventilate or something. it may have been because heidi was with me, but i had none of those reactions. instead i just got profoundly sad.
we left. i wanted to be at the delancey. it took us an hour to get there and it was cold and rainy and when we got there there was no party--no robert and david djing, no paul and janice kissing, no deidre and lang dancing, no dax weaving under the weight of his own hair. i had gotten the date wrong. "epic fail," heidi said, as we stood watching some dude play the harmonica on stage. so we went home.
and even though it was nearly 3 in the morning, i couldn't get to sleep. i just kept thinking about johanna. and timmy. paul had texted me when we were still at the canal room--timmy had come. years after i had given up hope that he may come to a savoir show, he had actually shown up. and he had picked the one night i wasn't there. i was so angry. i kept trying to fall asleep but all i could think of was how so many people had let me down. not intentionally, just in a round about way. and i came to realize that this was why i no longer tried to love anyone. i have stopped seeking out people and places and good times. so i took half a valium and could finally drift off.
i think timmy might join savoir. it's all i'd ever hoped for. i found this picture randomly last week:
this is exactly what the apartment building in my dream looked like--the dream i had years ago where action jackson had wayward floors and timmy had his arm around me. this was my dream. except it wasn't sand, it was cement.
the night before i dreamt of all the boys i currently spend time with. there was dax, oliver and andrew. and in every scenario i finally gave in. even if i knew they weren't the ones for me, i was so tired of being alone and untouched that i finally gave in. i held onto oliver's hand and leaned into him. i kissed dax on a giant bed. i finally looked up at andrew. so i guess i AM lonely after all.
and i hope it's sand i'm stuck in and not cement.
instead we headed downtown around 10. went to the thai restaurant to meet marcel and friends. had some of marcel's mom's cake. headed over to the canal room. it's one of those asshole places that makes you stand outside so it looks like it's hard to get into. ugh. we went out for a smoke after a while. that's when heidi spotted johanna and johanna spotted heidi and promptly turned around. i felt so bad. she came in eventually. we never spoke or acknowledged each other. i had been in such a good mood. i hadn't felt that good in months. i was so hyper and excited and not anxious. i was surprised at my reaction. i thought that when i saw her my heart would start pounding and i would hyperventilate or something. it may have been because heidi was with me, but i had none of those reactions. instead i just got profoundly sad.
we left. i wanted to be at the delancey. it took us an hour to get there and it was cold and rainy and when we got there there was no party--no robert and david djing, no paul and janice kissing, no deidre and lang dancing, no dax weaving under the weight of his own hair. i had gotten the date wrong. "epic fail," heidi said, as we stood watching some dude play the harmonica on stage. so we went home.
and even though it was nearly 3 in the morning, i couldn't get to sleep. i just kept thinking about johanna. and timmy. paul had texted me when we were still at the canal room--timmy had come. years after i had given up hope that he may come to a savoir show, he had actually shown up. and he had picked the one night i wasn't there. i was so angry. i kept trying to fall asleep but all i could think of was how so many people had let me down. not intentionally, just in a round about way. and i came to realize that this was why i no longer tried to love anyone. i have stopped seeking out people and places and good times. so i took half a valium and could finally drift off.
i think timmy might join savoir. it's all i'd ever hoped for. i found this picture randomly last week:
this is exactly what the apartment building in my dream looked like--the dream i had years ago where action jackson had wayward floors and timmy had his arm around me. this was my dream. except it wasn't sand, it was cement.
the night before i dreamt of all the boys i currently spend time with. there was dax, oliver and andrew. and in every scenario i finally gave in. even if i knew they weren't the ones for me, i was so tired of being alone and untouched that i finally gave in. i held onto oliver's hand and leaned into him. i kissed dax on a giant bed. i finally looked up at andrew. so i guess i AM lonely after all.
and i hope it's sand i'm stuck in and not cement.