wildflower soul.
early saturday evening, on the phone with my mom:
aren't there any guys in atlanta? aren't there guys at these bars?
oh mom. for years i have relished the fact that you have never pressured me about being in a relationship, nor have you ever questioned when i would meet the right man, or get married. the answer to both of those questions is that i have no idea, and part of the reason i have no idea is because i don't know what i want.
you say that for the right person i would become less rigid about my schedule, and the things i like to do alone, and how much i value my time - but i don't know who that right person would be.
it wouldn't be someone who wanted all of my free time, because there is no way he would get it. it wouldn't be someone who enjoyed antiquated views on relationships, because i don't buy into any of that and the number of times i've said the words 'egalitarian relationship' should fall into the guinness book of world records. it wouldn't be someone who didn't work, because that would immediately become a scheduling problem for me. it wouldn't be someone who didn't see the value of responsibility to themselves, their employer, and society in general, because that would absolutely make my head explode.
this person would have to be somehow complimentary to all of my various quirks - able to put up with someone who inexplicably enjoys c-span and news shows, documentaries and non-fiction, but invariably loves full house, degrassi, and pop culture. this person would have to be intellectual, but not stifled; i need this person to be able to drink tallboy after tallboy of pbr and know what it is to fully engage oneself in a dance party. this person would have to lack ignorance, but hang on to a shred of arrogance - because i know that i do. and more than anything this person would have to understand that almost nothing is more valuable to me in life than the ability to find humor in almost everything, and make people laugh.
so maybe i do partially know what i want - but what i want is almost statistically impossible. a huge part of me can never see this materializing and so i don't worry about it. i don't search. i told her last night on the phone that looking never reveals anything (besides one night stands, which turns into its own relationship - that between you and myriad total strangers.) i am not desperate, i am not starved.
so mom, i'm not closed off to the idea. i wouldn't look a gift relationship in the mouth, but conversely i won't just take what i can get. for so long i feel like i've dated people who liked me, who i in turn had feelings for based on theirs for me. and that gets exhausting when they fuck you over, or they turn out to be a robot, or they cannot possibly ever satisfy even a small part of who you are. so i will wait with an open heart & mind. that's all you can really ask of someone like me.
aren't there any guys in atlanta? aren't there guys at these bars?
oh mom. for years i have relished the fact that you have never pressured me about being in a relationship, nor have you ever questioned when i would meet the right man, or get married. the answer to both of those questions is that i have no idea, and part of the reason i have no idea is because i don't know what i want.
you say that for the right person i would become less rigid about my schedule, and the things i like to do alone, and how much i value my time - but i don't know who that right person would be.
it wouldn't be someone who wanted all of my free time, because there is no way he would get it. it wouldn't be someone who enjoyed antiquated views on relationships, because i don't buy into any of that and the number of times i've said the words 'egalitarian relationship' should fall into the guinness book of world records. it wouldn't be someone who didn't work, because that would immediately become a scheduling problem for me. it wouldn't be someone who didn't see the value of responsibility to themselves, their employer, and society in general, because that would absolutely make my head explode.
this person would have to be somehow complimentary to all of my various quirks - able to put up with someone who inexplicably enjoys c-span and news shows, documentaries and non-fiction, but invariably loves full house, degrassi, and pop culture. this person would have to be intellectual, but not stifled; i need this person to be able to drink tallboy after tallboy of pbr and know what it is to fully engage oneself in a dance party. this person would have to lack ignorance, but hang on to a shred of arrogance - because i know that i do. and more than anything this person would have to understand that almost nothing is more valuable to me in life than the ability to find humor in almost everything, and make people laugh.
so maybe i do partially know what i want - but what i want is almost statistically impossible. a huge part of me can never see this materializing and so i don't worry about it. i don't search. i told her last night on the phone that looking never reveals anything (besides one night stands, which turns into its own relationship - that between you and myriad total strangers.) i am not desperate, i am not starved.
so mom, i'm not closed off to the idea. i wouldn't look a gift relationship in the mouth, but conversely i won't just take what i can get. for so long i feel like i've dated people who liked me, who i in turn had feelings for based on theirs for me. and that gets exhausting when they fuck you over, or they turn out to be a robot, or they cannot possibly ever satisfy even a small part of who you are. so i will wait with an open heart & mind. that's all you can really ask of someone like me.