bad bad good bad bad good bad good bad bad bad...good.
So I’m sweating my face off to yoga this morning because I’m feeling bad about my body since it’s summer and the season nags my psyche with shallow and caustic thoughts. Cody calls and propositions a lunch date. I agree while rolling up my mat, sort of surprised by my sudden eagerness as I've been avoiding him most of all week. So we decide on Oasis Café and later wander Golden Braid Books. It's the first time in a long time we've spent quality time together. I tell him, sitting an ocean apart and opposing at the wooden square table instead of the usual cozy adjacent, how I contemplate having avoidant personality disorder [or something similar] while on the subject of our new social life's. He fixates his intrigued eyes on my explaining face and side comments on how he loves me and that my hair looks pretty and is getting really long. He's always so engaged in what I bring to the table and what new Jenn character I'm going to reveal this time and it's very flattering to me even when I try not to make a big deal about what I rain on him. I just trust telling him everything and he never gives up on me and I find security in that. I whisper to him later on the bookstore bench my reasoning earlier this week for thanking him for being a part of my family. I explain I was really actually expressing gratitude for the unconditional love he dispenses even when our terms are every thing but cozy and adjacent. Thanks for the enduring evidence that someone out there hasn't given up on me when with as much as I've pushed him away, he could have. He says he could never give up on me and apologizes for stressing my soul out last week [which are my words, he says something more like “sorry for blahblahblah” as he doesn’t do anything particularly negative or wrong to me so much as with me. We just struggle to act civil together sometimes.) I laugh and bear hug him. He whispers in my close ear “Yeni, I love you.” I echo. Because I do love the awkward, shaggy haired boy with an abnormally huge heart more than most things. He offers me his hand and asks, “Will you hold my hand?” I seize it and [cornily] say, “I’ll always hold your hand.” :)
These are the motions we go through always and I don't bother narrating anything but the connecting moments anymore. It’s the good and bad in the both of us we embrace the good because it's so good, but really try to accept the bad. It’s the bad in me and the bad in him and the sum of them together brought out by each other that I’m usually in lieu of tossing atop the compost heap than dealing and floundering with recurrently. It’s as predictable as my period though and I guess I’m just happy that I can predict that anymore.
I want to be friends that love each other, always.
He wants to be lovers, always.
It's quite a predicament.
We decided to be reckless with my debit card what with the weekend and the vibe being so relaxing and pleasant. I spent $110 at Golden Braid. I purchased two books [The Vagina Monologues & Writing Down the Bones], three lotus glass candle holder things, and a coin purse. He got this weird sculpture thing that I don't even know how to explain. We are Feng Shui whores. Think I’m going to stay home tonight and read and think and think and eat some potato chips and maybe pick up from where I left off on my yoga session.
I have a desperate need to obtain a composite sketch of my current stressors and downers. I’ve never been so stressed over something I can’t even recognize or realize or point out and I am well aware it's not just Cody and the physical solicitations. I need to face this shit and then bring it to justice. [I can tell I've been watching a little too much CourtTV].
I'm using this icon from now on when I talk about Cody & I because this is our movie. He even looks like Jim Carrey in the movie which is freaky and he told me I look like Kate Winslet but I don't think so.
These are the motions we go through always and I don't bother narrating anything but the connecting moments anymore. It’s the good and bad in the both of us we embrace the good because it's so good, but really try to accept the bad. It’s the bad in me and the bad in him and the sum of them together brought out by each other that I’m usually in lieu of tossing atop the compost heap than dealing and floundering with recurrently. It’s as predictable as my period though and I guess I’m just happy that I can predict that anymore.
I want to be friends that love each other, always.
He wants to be lovers, always.
It's quite a predicament.
We decided to be reckless with my debit card what with the weekend and the vibe being so relaxing and pleasant. I spent $110 at Golden Braid. I purchased two books [The Vagina Monologues & Writing Down the Bones], three lotus glass candle holder things, and a coin purse. He got this weird sculpture thing that I don't even know how to explain. We are Feng Shui whores. Think I’m going to stay home tonight and read and think and think and eat some potato chips and maybe pick up from where I left off on my yoga session.
I have a desperate need to obtain a composite sketch of my current stressors and downers. I’ve never been so stressed over something I can’t even recognize or realize or point out and I am well aware it's not just Cody and the physical solicitations. I need to face this shit and then bring it to justice. [I can tell I've been watching a little too much CourtTV].
I'm using this icon from now on when I talk about Cody & I because this is our movie. He even looks like Jim Carrey in the movie which is freaky and he told me I look like Kate Winslet but I don't think so.