Fic: Angel's (Not So Much) Inner Monologue

Apr 05, 2009 22:49

Title: Angel's (Not So Much) Inner Monologue
Author: girlpire
Rating: R/FRM
Pairing: Angel/Spike
Warnings: Implied m/m sex, extreme silliness, general OOC-ness of Angel due to the premise of the plot. If you can call it a plot.
Disclaimer: This story is based on the "Angel" series, with which I am not affiliated in any way. Joss Whedon is my master, etc.
Distribution: Please do not archive this story anywhere.
Summary: Angel's under a spell. It's not pretty.

Author's Notes: I started this fic a couple of years ago. It was going to be a PWP, but I didn't feel like writing the sex, so I put it aside for a while and recently rediscovered it. I thought I'd dust it off for grazieprego. It turns out I still didn't feel like writing the sex, so I sort of skipped over the sex... which basically makes it a porn without plot without porn. So I'm just calling it fluff. It's a sort of day-in-the-life deal with no real reason for existing except to be silly, and because I feel guilty for working on incredibly long fics and not posting anything in the meantime. Set at some ambiguous point in season five of AtS. Oh, and a hydra - for anyone who isn't familiar with them - immediately grows its heads back whenever you cut them off.

I won awards! yay.




*

Angel's (Not So Much) Inner Monologue


*

Eight in the morning. Angel turned off his alarm clock and rubbed his eyes, yawning. Too damn early for a vampire to be getting out of bed. Especially a vampire who had stayed out late slaying and only gotten into bed four hours before.

“Stupid demons,” he muttered aloud. He stretched and started to climb out of bed. “Stupid humans that stupid demons have to eat.” He started for the kitchen. “Stupid spells that stupid demons cast on stupid champions who’re trying to save the stupid hu...” He halted suddenly and frowned. “Stupid spells,” he repeated. “I got hit with a spell last night.” He sighed with the realization, then said, “I need to talk to Wesley. I have no idea what that spell was, but it can’t have been something good.”

He continued into the kitchen and said out loud when he got there, “I’m hungry.” He opened his refrigerator and looked inside. “Why am I always startled that someone stocked my fridge while I was out? I know they do that here. It shouldn’t surprise me.” He took a packet of blood from the fridge and poured it into a mug. “No matter how often I drink animal blood from a mug, I will never get used to it.” He put the mug in the microwave and waited for it to heat. “I wish I could just eat without having to think about what I’m missing, every single damn time.”

When it beeped, he pulled out the mug and carried it over to his closet, began sipping it while he decided what to wear. “What should I wear today?” he asked out loud. “All of my clothes look pretty much the same. Probably no one would even notice if I wore the same thing again that I wore yesterday. Except maybe Harmony. Harmony might notice. And Cordelia would if she... but I bet Wesley wouldn’t notice.” He was flipping through the clothes on their hangers. “Hell, Spike wears the exact same thing every day, and no one ever says anything to him about it. Except me.”

Angel finished his blood, then chose his outfit and ironed it, talking to himself all the while. It wasn’t until he was actually in the shower and had started describing how good it felt to jerk himself off that he even realized he was saying all these things out loud.

“That’s weird,” he said. “Why am I talking out loud? I usually don’t say anything in the mornings until after I get to work.” He tried to continue jerking off without talking but found he couldn’t do it. It was frustrating, but he finally quit fighting it and began detailing out loud a fantasy involving Harmony gagged and chained naked to his desk as he went on stroking himself. After orgasming, he told no one in particular, “Masturbation is completely underrated,” and continued getting ready for work, narrating the entire time.

Angel became a little more upset as he rode his private elevator downstairs. “I’m starting to get worried,” he said aloud. “I can’t stop talking. What if I say something inappropriate? I can’t seem to control it. What's happening to me?” When he got to his office, he stepped out of the elevator and went to the lobby to check in with Harmony at her desk. “Just act normal,” he said. He repeated this to himself under his breath. “Act normal, act normal, act normal...”

“Morning, Angel,” Harmony greeted him cheerfully. She was wearing a pink sundress that emphasized her breasts.

“Your tits look fantastic today, Harmony,” Angel replied. His eyes suddenly widened. “Oh God, I can’t believe I - I’m sorry!”

Harmony couldn’t look more pleased. “Thanks, boss!” She beamed at him. “I was starting to think no one would notice.” She smiled down at her boobs as if they had just made her very proud.

“Just act like you meant to say it!” Angel quickly advised himself.

She tilted her head at him. “I... did mean to say that,” she said slowly.

“She doesn’t know you fantasized about her this morning!” Angel said. He clapped a hand over his mouth and started backing away, horrified. “I need to see Wesley immediately,” he said from behind his hand.

Harmony was still looking at him strangely. “Do you want me to send him to your office?” she asked.

“Yes,” Angel said. “Tell him to hurry. I am very embarrassed.” He cringed as he said this last part and walked briskly back into his office.

“Okay, what the hell was that?” Angel asked, beginning to pace back and forth in front of his desk. “I couldn't stop myself from talking... but maybe she didn't notice anything was wrong. I mean, it’s Harmony. How much does she ever notice on a given day?” He was still muttering when Wesley appeared at the door.

“Good morning, Angel. You wanted to see me?”

“Wes! Thank God. You gotta help me. Something's happened and I don’t know what to do.”

“Of course,” Wesley said, his tone immediately taking on that comforting combination of consoling, supportive, and intrigued all at once. He sat down in a chair across from where Angel was pacing. “What exactly seems to be the problem?”

“Harmony’s tits." Angel tried to clench his teeth together after that pronouncement, but he just couldn't will himself to stop talking. "I mean, they just look so luscious today, and... and I told her that.”

Wesley hesitated. “Oh,” he said. “Well then. I can see how that would be a problem. Sexual harassment in the workplace can be a -”

“That’s not it,” Angel interrupted. “This morning, I was getting ready for work, and I couldn’t stop talking. Even though I was the only one there. It was like I had to say out loud everything I was thinking the moment it popped into my head. I couldn’t control it. And it's still happening.” He looked helplessly at Wesley. Before the man could respond, he told him, “You have beautiful eyes.” He quickly followed up with, “Sorry! That’s always the first thing I think when I see you. Also, you need to shave. Not that I’m judging. And now it sounds like I’m totally checking you out. Which I’m not. Okay, maybe a little. Damn it, he’s going to think I’m some kind of pervert!” Angel collapsed into his chair and hid his face in his hands. “Oh God, why couldn't they have just stabbed me?!”

Wesley’s mouth had fallen open a little at Angel’s speech. He shut it and cleared his throat. "Angel -"

Angel was still talking quietly, face in hands. “I can’t believe I just said all that out loud. There are some things you're not allowed to say, even to your best friend. But maybe now that he sees how serious this is, he’ll understand why I need to figure out how to stop this as soon as possible. Oh shit, what if Spike walks in?”

Wesley watched, fascinated, as Angel’s thoughts came pouring out.

“Maybe I should just go back up to my place,” Angel said. “I can lock the door, turn off the phone, maybe talk myself back to sleep? I wonder if I’d start narrating my dreams. I shouldn't stay down here. If Wesley overhears many more of my thoughts, he's going to start second-guessing his decision to work with me.”

“Angel, that’s not -” Wesley started.

Angel looked up. “What do I do?” he asked. “I’ve got a meeting later today with the head of the clan of Rhugmus, and if we don't fix me before then, I will absolutely tell him just how disgusting his rotten leg is.”

“You’ll be fine, Angel,” Wesley reassured him. “I’m sure the matter just requires a simple counterspell. It is a spell, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, I got hit with some demon magic last night on patrol,” Angel said. “I didn’t know what to expect, but it sure as hell wasn’t this.”

“Do you know what kind of demon it was?” asked Wesley.

“Naruflian,” Angel said. Without really meaning to, he added, “They're squishy. Smell like burnt rubber. Even their hands are squishy. It's weird.”

Wesley nodded. “Good. That should be... helpful.” He stood up. “Don’t worry, Angel. I’ll get to the bottom of this.”

“I trust you completely,” said Angel. He frowned. “I didn’t mean to say that. But it’s true.”

Wesley smiled. “Well, the feeling is mutual,” he said.

“You wouldn’t say that if you knew,” Angel replied. He couldn't help looking appalled at his own words as soon as they left his mouth.

“If I knew what?” asked Wesley.

“Nothing. Change the subject! Thank you so much for helping me!” Angel said hurriedly. He stood and grabbed Wesley by the arm, tugging him towards the door. “I am so grateful,” he said, pushing the startled man through it. “Please hurry. Call me as soon as you know anything.”

He shut the door on Wesley's peculiar expression and leaned against it. “I am so in trouble,” he murmured.

Angel managed to spend the next few hours shut in his office without being disturbed. He had some contracts to read and sign, and he found he couldn’t read in his head, so he read them out loud. It was better, though, than just voicing his own thoughts. After reading through each one, he deliberated a little bit aloud before signing them. He spelled his name under his breath as he signed.

Around noon, Angel heard a soft knock on the door. “Oh no,” he said. “Who is it?”

“It’s me, Angel. It’s Fred. I’m... Fred.”

“I’m afraid to let you in!” he called out. He winced. “I mean, sorry Fred. I’m not trying to be rude, but what do you want?”

“It’s... I mean, aren’t we having... you know, lunch?” she called back through the door. “I thought we were having lunch.”

“Damn,” said Angel.

“It’s okay, I don’t... I can just go,” she said.

“No no, come in, Fred,” Angel said. “I just forgot about it, is all. But we do have a lunch meeting today. You and me and... who else is it, again? Please don’t say Spike.”

Fred opened the door and peeked inside. “Wesley, Charles, and Lorne,” she said. “Just the usual.”

“Maybe Lorne knows how to deal with what’s happening to me,” Angel said. “Because he’s a demon. Then again, so am I, and I have no clue. And Fred’s looking at me like I’m a crazy person because she doesn’t know what I’m talking about.”

Fred smiled at him a little nervously.

“I’m under a spell, Fred. I feel compelled to say everything that pops into my head. Please ignore all of it. I sometimes think things that aren’t really appropriate to say around my friends and coworkers. Or humans in general. Whatever you do, don’t think about biting her!”

Fred took a small step backward, a startled expression on her face.

"I wouldn't though!" Angel quickly told her, looking pretty horrified that he'd mentioned it. "I don't eat humans anymore. I only bite when I'm fighting. Or sometimes when I get really excited during sex. Oh God, pretend I didn't say that. I don't have sex anymore. It's been ages. Unless you count masturbating in the shower, which I did this morning while fantasizing about Harmony chained to my desk. Shit! Pretend I didn't say that either. Remember when I said to ignore everything I say? Please tell me you've already started."

Fred had a hand over her mouth, staring at Angel. "Angel... oh my God," she said.

"I know, I know. But I can't help it, Fred. You gotta believe me - you know I would never bite you. Unless, like I said, we were having sex, which we won't ever since you remind me so much of my sister Kathy before I killed her and I can't believe I’m actually still talking about this. I'm so sorry. When are the others getting here? This is a bad idea; I can't be around everyone when I can't stop myself from thinking, and where the hell is Wesley with my counterspell already?"

At that moment, Gunn strolled into Angel's office. "Hey guys," he said. "What's for lunch?"

Fred shot him an apologetic glance before Angel started talking again. "Gunn looks sharp today," he said. "He's so much more attractive in suits than in baggy sweatshirts and jeans. He would be pretty hot as a vampire and he can fucking hear every fucking thing I'm saying. Fuck."

"What the hell?" said Gunn. He looked at Fred, confused.

Fred shrugged. "It's a spell," she told him.

"Someone used magic to make Angel gay?" He took a step back. "Not contagious, is it?"

"He just has no inner monologue at the moment," said Fred. "Right Angel?"

"Right," said Angel. "Sorry, I really wouldn't be saying this stuff if I could help it. And I'm not gay; I'm a vampire. Plus you're a very attractive man. You can take that as your cue to stake me, if you want. At this point, I'm starting to think I wouldn't mind."

"Wouldn't mind what? What did I miss?" asked Lorne as he entered the room. "You haven't had lunch yet, I hope. My second stomach has been growling for the last hour!"

"I wonder if Lorne's gay," Angel mused aloud. Then he just put his head down on his desk and covered it with his arms. "I am so sorry." His voice came muffled against the wood. "You people have no idea how embarrassed I am right now."

"You ain't the only one," said Gunn, crossing his arms over his chest a little self-consciously. "You don't mind if I, uh, skip lunch, do you? Because I just remembered I have this thing... somewhere else..."

"Please go," said Angel, still not looking at them. "All of you, please go."

"Angel, we can't just leave you here like this," said Fred. "Not while you're under this spell."

"Believe me, you will all be much happier not hearing what I think about every single little thing," Angel said.

"What spell?" asked Lorne. "Angel's under a spell?"

Angel, head still buried in his arms on the desk, sang dejectedly, "I'm so excited, I'm so excited, I'm about to lose control and..."

"Naruflians," Lorne muttered with a grimace. "Bastards."

Angel looked up hopefully. "Do you know what they did to me? And how to stop it?"

"They're pranksters, muffin. Just a stupid joke, but since you killed that one, the spell should wear off soon."

"Soon? How soon is soon? I really need to know how long I have to stay away from... oh God, Spike!"

Spike was just walking into Angel's office when he heard the other vampire say his name. "What?" he said, as everyone turned to look at him.

In the most authoritative tone he could muster, Angel demanded, "Do not think about him naked!"

Spike froze where he was standing. "What the hell?"

"I'm just gonna go do that other thing," said Gunn. "In that other... place." He backed away from Angel and also gave Spike a wide berth as he slipped out of the office.

"I can't believe I said that," Angel whispered, covering his face again. "Everyone please just leave."

Lorne chuckled and glanced over at Fred, who looked both concerned and a little confused. "Come on, Freddles," Lorne said. "Let's you and me get some lunch and leave these handsome undead fellas to their little game." He started steering her reluctant frame towards the door.

"And what game is that?" Spike asked, frowning.

"Oh, you know. The one where you two pretend not to think about each other naked," said Lorne. With an added, "Good luck, pumpkin," to Angel, he pulled the door closed behind them.

Spike turned to Angel, who was still sitting at his desk, his face covered and muttering to himself. "Mind telling me what the bloody hell is going on here?" Spike asked him.

"I'm under a spell," said Angel, not looking up. "And about to have a nervous breakdown. And you have to get out of here before I start talking to you."

"Too late," Spike pointed out. He plopped down in a chair. "So, what's the spell? Got my fingers crossed for something painful or humiliating. Or both."

"I'm not telling you," said Angel, immediately following with, "He'll figure it out soon enough if he hangs around. Shit, he heard that. How can I get him to leave? Money?" Angel looked up at Spike, who was staring at him with an eyebrow raised. "Do you want money?" Angel asked. "I'll give you anything you want if you'll leave me alone until the spell wears off." He watched Spike's face. "Good, he's thinking about it. Offer a car. No wait, don't offer a car. He'll take the Viper. Offer any car except the Viper. Or you can take a car, Spike. Any one but the Viper. Just please leave me alone. I'm afraid I'll say something I won't be able to take back."

Spike continued to stare at Angel, not quite sure how to respond. "Okaaay," he said slowly. "I'll take a car. I'll have the -"

"Look at his lips," Angel said. "No! Shit, don't look at his lips. Fuck, why does he have to be so fucking pretty? Take whichever car you want, Spike, just hurry!"

"Alright, seriously Angel, what the hell? Who are you talking to?" Spike turned to look over his shoulder suspiciously, then around the rest of the office. "I'm not pretty!" he announced to any invisible entities that might be there.

“I’m not talking to anyone. You have to go. I’ll help you.” Angel jumped up from behind the desk and came over to Spike, grabbed him by the arm. He hauled Spike out of the chair and towards the door of the office, muttering, “He smells like leather. God, I love that.”

“Wha-?” Spike asked, a more or less flabbergasted look on his face as Angel pushed him through the door.

“Don’t come back here or I might kiss you,” Angel growled, slamming the door in his face.

He locked the door after Spike and closed his eyes. “I have to hide,” he said rationally. “I don’t know what I was thinking, trying to stay at work in this condition. I have to hide, and I have to talk to Wesley. Maybe this spell will wear off after a while, but if there’s any way at all to speed it up, I need to know now. I’ll call him. And then I’ll hide.”

Wesley was still researching counterspells when Angel called. “Wes, I’m dying over here, man,” Angel said. “This has got to stop. Do I have to cut off my tongue? Because I’ll do it. I’ll cut off my tongue, Wes. I mean, you never know, it might grow back, right?”

“Calm down, Angel,” Wesley said. “It’s been what, less than five hours since you got up this morning? It can’t really be that bad.”

“You don’t understand! I nearly told Spike I want to have sex with him. It doesn’t get worse than that.”

“Good lord. I thought the spell only made you speak your thoughts. I didn’t realize it also made you desire intercourse with people you hate.”

“I don’t hate Spike,” said Angel. “Much. Anyway, he’s not people. He’s vampires.”

“But still, the very idea... you’re right Angel, it is much worse than I thought.”

“Just let him think you wouldn’t normally want Spike,” said Angel.

“Er, what was that?’

“I said... lie, lie! I said, have you had any luck coming up with a counterspell yet? Lorne mentioned that since I killed the demon the spell would wear off soon, but I don’t think I can wait much longer.”

“Lorne is right. Once the demon isn’t controlling the magic anymore, the spell should dissipate within about a week on its own. But I am still trying to find a way to speed the process. I can imagine that being unable to censor yourself could become very embarrassing for you.”

“Considering the things I often think about, you’re not wrong,” Angel sighed.

“Don’t worry, Angel. I’m very close to figuring something out for you.”

“Thanks, Wesley. You don’t know how relieved I am that you are always there to save my ass. I love you. Please never mention the fact that I just said that.” Angel hung up the phone and covered his face with his hands again. “Now I need to hide,” he said. “I could get under my desk... as if that would ever be good enough. I could go back upstairs, but that’s the first place anyone would look for me. First I guess I need to tell Harmony to hold all my calls. I’m scared to talk to her again. I’ll just call her from in here.”

Angel pushed the intercom button for Harmony’s desk.

“Harmony’s desk,” Harmony answered cheerfully.

“Tits,” said Angel. “Shit!” He quickly hung up.

“That went well,” he said gloomily. “I’ll just tell her that’s Wolfram and Hart code for ‘Do not disturb.’ Now I’ll just go back to my apartment and talk about hunting until I fall asleep again.” He went to the elevator and pushed the up button. On the way up, he said, “Or maybe I’ll talk about Spike naked. Damn, I can’t believe I mentioned that in front of everyone. I hope I never have to see him again. Okay, that’s not true. I just wish our relationship were different. Similar to the way it is now, but with fucking. And with the not making fun of me, that would be good.” The doors to his penthouse opened, and Angel came in to see Spike waiting, sprawled in a chair. “And with the him not being here waiting to torture me,” Angel added.

He walked past Spike, stoically ignoring him as he went to hang up his coat. “Maybe if I asked nicely, he would leave,” he said. “Or maybe I should just give him something. I know what I’d like to give him, but... hey, didn’t I give him a car already? I wonder why he's still here. He should be out somewhere trashing it.”

Angel walked into the kitchen to fix himself some lunch. Spike hopped up and followed him, staring in fascination as the bigger vampire went on talking. “Maybe Spike would like some lunch too,” he said. “But if I offer him some blood, he’ll get all suspicious and think I’m trying to bribe him. Or drug him. He can’t just take something I offer him in good faith, since it’s me doing the offering and he hates me. Anyway, that’s not how we work. We don’t give each other things just because."

“I’ve figured it out,” Spike finally announced. “You’ve gone mad.”

“Yeah,” said Angel. “That’s what it feels like.”

“No, you really have,” said Spike. “I’ve seen this before. Bonkers, completely. You’re fucking loony. Round the bend, mate.”

“Spike’s right,” said Angel, resignedly pouring blood into a mug. “What are the odds he'll take pity on me and leave me alone...?”

“Talking to folks who aren’t there? Major clue,” Spike told him. “Another major clue: talking about folks who are there and thinking they can’t hear you.”

"I know you can hear me," Angel sighed. "I'm just trying to pretend you aren't there so I won't start thinking about you." Of course, trying not to think about Spike immediately brought several Spike-centered images to Angel's mind. "Naked," he added quietly, turning his back to the blond in embarrassment. "Hard. Wanting me." The more Angel concentrated on the things he definitely didn't want to say, the clearer those images became. "I don't want you to know that I want to tie you up and do things to you," Angel whispered, trying desperately to lower his voice to inaudibility. "You're so beautiful; the way you move turns me on so much, I can't stop thinking about fucking you. I want to take your mouth first -"

"Shut up," Spike interrupted, appalled, staring frozen at Angel's tense back. "Don't - don't say things like that."

"I can't stop," Angel responded stiffly, not turning to look at him. "This spell means I can't stop saying what I think. And I can't stop thinking about you when you're standing so close to me, Spike."

Spike slowly backed up a step, still staring at the back of Angel's head.

"That's not helping. You need to leave. I can still smell you. Like leather, hair gel, cologne, and... and the cigarette you smoked just before you came up here to wait for me." Angel still didn't turn around. He ignored the mug of blood in front of him, put both hands on the counter and leaned against it, closing his eyes. "Do you know how that makes me feel? Knowing you were up here waiting for me? That's the first part of a hundred of my fantasies. That you're here when I get home from work. Waiting for me... to touch you..."

"Stop it," Spike repeated, unsure how else to react. "Stop this right now, Angel."

"Sometimes you want me to fuck you right away, but sometimes you want to take it slow, want me to tease you into it. Sometimes you've started without me. Sometimes you're nervous because I sent you up here so I could punish you -"

"I said stop!"

Angel turned suddenly to face him. "I can't stop!" he replied angrily. "If you don't want to hear this, then leave me alone! Please, Spike, just leave!"

But Spike stayed rooted to the floor, still staring at Angel, into his eyes now. Angel couldn't tell if Spike's expression was more anger or confusion.

"You're not walking away yet," Angel said through gritted teeth. His fists clenched. "Does that mean you want to know? You want to know what you do to me every single time you walk into the room, when I see you touch Fred or Wes on the shoulder, when I smell that you've been jerking off?" He took a step forward, but Spike still didn't move. "How about when I see you fight? You want to know how hard it makes me, watching you kill something, your body covered in blood and gore and sweat?" Angel kept stalking forward as he talked, until they were standing toe to toe and he was looking down into Spike's eyes fiercely, just a few inches away. "You want to know what I want to do with you right now? I'm thinking about how easy it would be to rip your clothes off right here where you stand, push you down over the kitchen counter and fuck your ass, hard. I could be inside you before you even blinked."

"Easy?" Spike repeated in a low voice. "You think it would be that easy?"

"I wouldn't have said it if I hadn't thought it," Angel growled back. Then he added, "But if you wanted to struggle, I could get into that, too." He began to picture Spike struggling, writhing naked against him. "I wonder if you would be hard to hold onto while I -"

Angel was interrupted by a hard uppercut to his jaw. His teeth clacked together and he stumbled back a couple of steps. Then, after a very short pause, he said, "That didn't hurt as much as I expected it to. If it had been you talking to me like this, I would have punched you a lot harder."

Spike didn't say anything, still standing there with his fists clenched, looking confused.

"Just get out of here," Angel said. "Spike, just go. You don't have to stand there and listen to me talk about you this way. It would be better for both of us if you went away until this spell is over."

"No, it wouldn't. If this is how you really think of me, don't you think I deserve to know?"

"Of course not," Angel snapped at him. "If I'd thought you should know, I would have told you. Don't you get it? I'm just being forced to tell you how much you turn me on because of this fucking spell!"

"So this is all I'm worth to you, is it?" Spike demanded. "All you want is something nice to look at to keep your cock hard!"

"All I want," said Angel, "is for you to leave my apartment, Spike."

When Spike simply continued to stare at Angel, Angel resorted to repeating himself the way he'd done that morning in order to concentrate before his disastrous encounter with Harmony. "Just go," he said. "Just leave me alone, Spike. Leave me alone. Leave me alone. Leave -"

Finally, with the supernatural finesse he rarely used, Spike disappeared from Angel's kitchen very suddenly.

Angel listened for the sound of the elevator doors shutting behind the blond before he let himself stop repeating. Turning to the mug of blood still on his counter, he said dully to it, "I'm not very hungry anymore."

*

The counterspell Angel required wasn't very difficult at all to find. Well, technically, it had taken about six hours, but once Wesley had known what to look for, finding the exact spell to use actually took less than two minutes. He'd had to translate the same archaic passage into eighteen different demonic languages and finally Latin before understanding that all spells of Naruflian origin can be countered with the simple reversal incantation, "Retexo, retexo, retexo," along with physical contact with the object of the spell. Basically, all he had to do was touch Angel and say the three magic words. Easy enough.

On his way to Angel's elevator, though, Wesley was sidetracked by a frantic intern who informed him of some sort of mystically conjured fire in the employee lounge - the kind that only someone with Wesley's particular brand of expertise could put out. Also, there was the small matter of a hydra in the cafeteria. Something to do with a new employee's traditional lunch fare. Knowing that Angel would be impatient for the counterspell, Wesley nevertheless headed toward the cafeteria first, which was closest, where he happened to run into Spike walking out. There was a commotion going on behind him.

"Wouldn't go in there if I were you," said the blond. "Baby hydra nesting in the salad bar. Heads everywhere. It's not pretty."

"No, I expect not," Wesley replied with a sigh, continuing toward the door anyway. Then he stopped and turned to Spike again with an idea. "Spike, wait a moment."

Spike turned and raised an eyebrow.

"Do you know the Latin for 'reverse?'" asked Wesley.

"Texaco," Spike said.

"Er - not quite. It's 'retexo.'"

"Close enough. Why?"

"Well," said Wesley, "I'm not sure if you've been made aware, but Angel's currently under a Naruflian spell -"

"Yeah," Spike huffed quietly. "Been 'made aware,' alright."

Wesley gave him an odd look but didn't ask. He said, "The counterspell is very simple, but I'm needed here for a while and could use your help with it. It's just 'retexo' three times. Do you think you could do it? I know Angel would appreciate being free of the spell as soon as possible."

There was a short pause while the two men regarded each other, and then Spike said flatly, "Retexo, retexo, retexo. Happy?"

"You have to be in physical contact with him when you say it," said Wesley in a patient voice. "Otherwise, I would have already done it."

Spike appeared to think about this. "You want me to touch Angel," he said.

"Briefly." But watching Spike's face, Wesley had a sudden misgiving about asking him to do this. "Or you could ask Fred for me. I'm sure she would be willing." There was a crash from inside the cafeteria. A woman screamed. A man ran from the room in flames. "I'd do it myself," Wesley went on, "but as you can see, I'll probably be busy for quite a while."

"I'll do it," Spike said grudgingly. "But you'll owe me, watcher."

"No, I won't. If there's a price, I'll just find someone el -"

"Fine," Spike interrupted. "I'll do it for free."

"Thank you. And Spike?"

"What?"

"How long have you been in the cafeteria?"

"Bout twenty minutes, give or take."

"And... why didn't you kill the hydra?"

Spike shrugged, his expression falsely innocent. "They were loppin' off its heads. It was funny."

*

In the elevator on the way up to Angel's penthouse, Spike thought again about the things Angel had said to him an hour ago. He'd actually been replaying the conversation in his head ever since he'd left - minus the twenty minutes or so he'd been entertaining himself in the cafeteria - and he'd already come to two conclusions. First, Angel was a dick of massive proportions. And second...

Well. Spike wanted Angel, too. Always had.

Sure, he was offended to hear the way Angel thought of him, that Angel's mind was too full of sex at any given point to actually think or care about other ways Spike could contribute to the mission. And he'd been shocked to hear it all come pouring out in the manner that it had - too shocked to do anything constructive about it, really - and certainly insulted that Angel had assumed overpowering and fucking him would be easy. On the other hand, the idea that Angel was always thinking of him, that he could disrupt the other vampire's concentration simply by being near? That was incredibly hot. Also, it explained plenty.

But, to be honest, although Spike had decided within five minutes of leaving Angel's apartment that he'd like to go directly back in and make Angel his love monkey - serve the ponce right if he had - he'd been too nervous to do it. What if he went back in and heard more of Angel's thoughts, things that weren't nearly as pleasant? What if he went back and had sex with Angel, and afterwards heard Angel thinking that this reunion wasn't everything he'd hoped it would be, that Spike wasn't really a phenomenal lover? What if he took away the distraction of sex, leaving Angel free to think about how many ways Spike had fucked up, how much of a failure he was at being a champion? It was a risk he hadn't been entirely willing to take.

Of course, now that he knew the counterspell, he could stop hearing Angel's thoughts at any time. The power he had now meant that this could actually be kind of fun. Now, the only real reason for him to be nervous was because he was about to go to Angel's penthouse with the full intention of fucking around with another man for the first time in over a century, and that kind of nervous wasn't such a bad kind of nervous to be. His cock was already starting to swell in his jeans just at the thought of being with Angel again. He reached down to adjust it slightly.

When the elevator opened into the penthouse, Spike walked in to find Angel sitting in his den, head in his hands, murmuring to himself about the possibility of his friends all getting together to file a class action sexual harassment lawsuit against him.

Angel looked up warily. "Oh. I didn't think I'd see you around for a while. Unless you just came to punch me again. Or you trashed the car. You want a new one? I feel guilty enough to give you another one right now. I'm sorry for the things I said, even though they were true and you could have avoiding hearing all of that if you'd just left me alone when I asked you to. I wish you could see that life would be so much easier for everyone if you would just do what I say sometimes. You smell like a hydra. And salad. Why do you smell like salad?"

Spike raised his eyebrows. Even though he'd heard the effect of the spell earlier, he still wasn't used to the constant stream of comments out of someone who usually only spoke a few words at a time.

"There was a hydra in the caf," he said. "Big, nasty bugger."

"Oh. Did you kill it?" Angel asked.

"Course."

"Good. Thanks," said Angel. "I don't believe that for a second. And I can smell that you're sort of turned on right now." He cringed at these last two statements. "Oh God, here we go again. Why are you back, Spike? Just to torment me?"

Spike gave him an amused smirk.

"You are. You're just here to make me miserable," Angel accused. "With your fucking sexy smirk and the way you walk like you own the world. Who turned you on? Was it Wesley? He's a handsome guy, I have to admit. I want to see your cock. Fuck, I have to get away from you!" Angel stood up. "I'm going to hide now," he declared. "And the only reason I haven't told you where I'm going to hide from you is because I don't know yet. But it will probably be somewhere very high up. Like the roof. Shit!" He turned and began walking toward the door that led to the roof access staircase. "If you follow me," he was saying, "I'm going to be very upset with you but also a little excited. Damn it!"

Spike's smirk turned into a chuckle. "Don't go to the roof, Angel," he said. "Stay."

Angel paused with his hand on the doorknob. His body was practically vibrating with frustration. "Why are you doing this to me, Spike?" he asked. "You already know how I feel about you. There's no other reason for you to be here except to humiliate me even more - if that's even possible at this point. Which it is, actually, because I can be a lot more explicit about my desires than I was a little while ago. Please just leave me alone."

"Don't think so," said Spike, still grinning. He sauntered forward.

Angel leaned his head against the door and closed his eyes. "I'm not going to beg," he whispered. "If I beg, he'll just make fun of me. He's coming this way. God, he smells like sex. What if he touches me? He better not touch me. Fuck, I'm getting hard just from thinking about it. Now I can't even turn around because he'll notice."

Spike paused just before his body pressed against Angel's back. Lips close to Angel's ear, he said softly, "Angel, turn around."

"No," said Angel. "You're too close to me. If I turn around, I'm going to kiss you."

"Sort of the point, peaches."

"And that's going to lead to other things," Angel went on. "If I kiss you, I'm not going to be able to stop."

"Finally catching on, are we?" said Spike.

"He's coming on to me. I don't feel like I'm dreaming... Maybe hallucinations are another part of the spell. As far as hallucinations go, this is a good one. Or maybe I've been sucked into an alternate dimension -"

"Oh, for God's sake," Spike said, reaching for Angel's shoulder to turn him around. But the second his hand touched Angel, before Spike could form another word, he found himself instantly wrapped up in Angel's arms, a pair of soft lips pressed firmly to his. It was as though the simple touch had flipped some sort of switch. Angel slid his fingers through Spike's hair as he kissed him, cupping the back of his skull, before suddenly turning again. Spike's body was crushed against the wall, held there by the other vampire as their kiss went on almost violently, the push and pull of their mouths against each other much stronger than would be comfortable for a human. Angel finally broke the brutal kiss to say in a low voice, his lips still very close to Spike's, "I've been wanting to do that for a long time."

"Do it again," said Spike, watching Angel's mouth.

Angel kissed him again. It was a full-body kiss, their entire selves pressed together against the wall. Angel slid his thigh in between Spike's legs as he held him there, pinned. Spike groaned into Angel's mouth as he felt his wrists suddenly pinned to the wall as well. "You don't," Spike mouthed against Angel, "don't have to hold me down, pet."

Angel was breathing, inhaling deeply against Spike's skin as though to memorize his scent. "I know," he whispered, his voice ragged with desire. "But I want to."

*

Quite a while later, lying on the floor at the foot of the couch with his arm around Spike, Angel said softly, "I don't want you to leave."

Spike waited for him to go on, but apparently the thought ended there. After the nearly uninterrupted stream of dirty things he'd heard from the older vampire's mouth in the last couple of hours, this short sentence was surprising. Maybe incredible sex slowed down the thought processes.

After a moment, Angel added, "I wish we could be like this all the time."

"Starkers, you mean?" Spike asked, sliding a hand across Angel's bare chest. "We could try it, but Evil Inc's worker bees might object to daily viewings of their leader's giant arse."

"He just called me a queen bee with a fat ass," Angel muttered. "Just ignore it; this thing was never going to be perfect. It's Spike for crying out loud."

Spike muffled a chuckle against Angel's shoulder.

"You know what I meant, Spike. Things, between us. Could always be like this. Just like they are right now."

"You mean you want to keep fucking me."

"Yeah," Angel sighed. "I want to keep fucking you."

"Don't know if your furniture could take much more," Spike pointed out.

Angel glanced around the den. Almost everything in it was smashed, pulled apart, or otherwise destroyed. "Maybe I can charge my expense account," he mused. "I'll ask Gunn. Or I could dock Spike's salary."

"Only if you started paying me first."

"It's not just the fucking," Angel said. "I like holding you like this. I like being honest about what I want. I like being able to tell you what I'm thinking."

"Thought you hated that...?"

"I hate not having control over it. But so far, you've accepted all my thoughts without running away screaming. And that's nice. I've never been this honest with anyone."

Spike stretched. "Well, as long as you're thinking about how much you want me, feel free to go on being honest."

"That thing I said about Wesley when I -"

"Fuck, that was hot," Spike interrupted.

"That's the kind of thing I'm talking about. I don't think anyone else would get it."

Just remembering Angel's words during sex made Spike's cock twitch. "Question," he said suddenly, "do you always recite entire Latin exorcism rituals mid-shag?"

"Only when I'm trying to last longer," Angel said, looking chagrined. "But usually it's just in my head. Unless I'm performing an actual exorcism at the time. But that's only happened once."

"Uh-huh," said Spike. The phone started ringing, but neither vampire moved from the floor. "And the full roster of the L.A. Kings?"

"Same deal. And before you ask, yeah, that's why I said the Greek alphabet backwards."

"And all the state capitals."

"What can I say? You're a good fuck. I'm surprised I lasted as long as I did."

The phone went on ringing. "Those Hail Mary's right at the end didn't seem to help," said Spike.

"Oh, that's not why I said those," Angel replied. "Hey, maybe I should get that. It's probably Wes with my counterspell."

Spike's eyes widened. "Retexo, retexo, retexo," he said quickly.

"What?"

"Nothing." Spike peeled himself off of Angel and stood up, glancing around for his clothes. "Just remembered. I have to do something. Away from... Well, away."

Angel opened his mouth to say something else, but then he stopped. He seemed confused for a moment. Then his eyes narrowed as he watched Spike digging through the remains of the furniture.

The phone stopped ringing. There was a soft beep from another room, and then Wesley's tired voice on the answering machine. "Angel, I was calling to see if Spike performed your counterspell yet. I would have checked earlier, but I've been doing battle with someone's lunch. Do let me know how it went."

Spike had managed to recover one boot before Angel stood up and began a slow, silent advance.

"Right, first of all," Spike said, backing away and holding his hands out in front of him, one holding the boot, "let's remember that you already said you liked telling me those things. You said it! You can't deny the bloody facts, Angel!"

Angel simply continued moving toward Spike in a slow, measured pace, his expression stormy. Spike attempted to keep what remained of the sofa between them, but Angel kicked it away.

"I did the sodding spell eventually, didn't I?" Spike pointed out, debating over which exit was closest.

"I confessed my every thought to you," Angel growled. "And you could have stopped it at any time."

"You - I - it was cathartic, yeah?" protested Spike. "You needed to... get things off your chest, like. Really, if you think about it, I was doing you a favor."

"I told you about my snoodlefuss demon fantasy!"

"Exactly! Angel, we have both suffered here."

Finding himself cornered, Spike threw the boot at Angel and made a naked run for it. Angel lunged. They landed with a loud thud on the carpet, the blond completely incapacitated beneath the weight of the older vampire. "You," said Angel, "haven't suffered nearly enough."

Spike tried to wriggle out of Angel's impressive tacklehold, but succeeded only in rubbing himself firmly against the silky skin of his assailant. Finally, he relaxed. "What are you going to do to me?" he asked.

"Mmm," Angel breathed against Spike's neck, picturing in delightful detail exactly how this punishment would play out. "Wouldn't you like to know?"

*

spike, angel, fic, pwpwp

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