Updatey... health, random, etc
I had an "appointment" to be called by my doctor at 4:40pm. I am waiting on MRI results. He called at 5:50, but when I picked up and said, "hello?" we were somehow disconnected.
And to my absolute devastation, he did not call backI tried calling the medical center, but they turn off the phones at 5:00pm. I held the phone, hoping he would call back ( Read more... )
And to my absolute devastation, he did not call backI tried calling the medical center, but they turn off the phones at 5:00pm. I held the phone, hoping he would call back ( Read more... )
i am sorry if it ever seemed like i didnt think you had a right to rant / journal about being upset, because that's not true, despite how comments might make it sound sometimes. everyone gets annoyed and frustrated. no one is helped by holding on to those negative feelings though instead of just letting them go and remembering all the times youve made mistakes (at least thats true for me, cuz um, ive made a LOT of mistakes and remembering all my screw ups helps me have more patience for others when i want to scream "what are you a freakin moron?!" or something, hahaaaa :p )
you know, adding you to my f-list has helped me a lot too. i see your pictures of you being silly with light sabers, duster slippers, blue whales, etc and it reminds me to have fun in my life. i have always been kinda dorky and child-ish (i brought my hello kitty blanket camping and insisted on wrapping myself up in it while we sat around at the picnic table and such.. my camping-mates probably thought i was acting like a dorky kid but i love that blanket damn it!!! haha) but sometimes I get too worried about acting like a "grown up" and restrain myself from just bursting loose in song or dance or impromptu action figure battle. letting go of that worry and just giving in to what my inner-child wants to do is way more fun and satisfying then trying to sit there like a prim and proper adult =P
in conclusion! <3 <3 <3
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See, this is the thing. You didn't do anything wrong. You shouldn't be sorry. Girl, you changed my life. Please never tell me you're sorry again. :P I had developed such an automated, negative attitude at this point in my life, that your words instantly annoyed me. I felt judged. I felt negative things. I felt nothing good or productive. You are one of the sweetest, most wonderful people I have ever had the fortune of getting to know. And my emo brain was twisting something kind and well-intentioned into something negative that it should not have been. It was horribly wrong of me.
This is where I was completely losing myself. My thought process didn't work like that last year.
You noticed my negativity. You tried to help me. More than once. You were upfront, kind and gentle. Instead of accepting that help, I just brooded and felt negative things. And when I finally said something about your comments?
You were so wonderful. And so kind. And we had a wonderful, adult, productive dialogue about it. And I realized I was wrong. And you made me realize just how negative and awful my headspace had become. Like I said; your compassion and kindness and calling me on my shit, without being cruel or anything about it, changed my life. You made me take a thoughtful step back. You could have been mean. Or walked away from me. Or cruel. Or gossiped about me and my bad attitude. Or any number of things. But you were so kind, and talked to me, and when I stopped feeling sorry for myself long enough to take that in, it really hit home. You helped me a lot. I will always be grateful.
"remembering all my screw ups helps me have more patience for others when i want to scream "what are you a freakin moron?!""
I feel the same way! I try to learn from everything I have done wrong. (Example: being a giant cuntball of negativity for months.) I am human and have made lots of mistakes. I am not going to act like I'm not. Just like any human, I can be pretty stupid. But not learning from my own bullshit and mistakes, would make me even more stupid. (On a similar note, I also try to learn from everything bad that has happened to me. One of the things I have been trying to do the last couple of months is look at everything from that "learning" perspective. Or asking myself, "once I am done being emo about this, am I really much worse off?" Sometimes I am amazed by the things I realize. Sometimes the tragedies hold hidden treasures of awesome. You just have to learn to look for them.)
I have always been pretty resilient. I get over the little disasters and whatnot that life hands me. I had an awful early life and childhood. And I got over it and moved on.
I totally haven't been doing that lately - and it turned me into an emo cuntball. I've got my mental shit together again, which includes being resilient. I've had some unfortunate luck in the last couple of months, but am handling it differently. I haven't even felt the need to dwell on it, or rant about it on LJ or anything. I take a deep breath. I do what I can. And I move on. It is like my brain is a dog that I have retrained.
And I am completely rambling.
Bottom line: love. I has it for you.
Love and gratitude.
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