(no subject)
Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if people looked on the outside like how they felt on the inside. I've felt really weird the last few days, and I don't think it's something like PMS or depression. I think maybe it's because I've realized things about myself that I hadn't known before, and I've finally made a decision about my future, when I've been unsure about it all through college. The things I've realized about myself aren't really positive, but at least I know now and I'm ready to try and change them. And I realize going back to London will be difficult, and probably won't be for a long time, but now I know it's what I want to do most.
All through college I've had next to no confidence in my acting ability and talent, but now I realize, who really gives a fuck, except me? I've been worrying too much about what people think of me, especially the head of my department, but how much should one person's opinion really matter in dictating what I want to do? I realize a career in theatre is potentially devastating to my self-esteem, if I can't find work, but when I am working, it doesn't feel like work at all - it's like I'd rather do nothing else. I've decided that a life of highs and lows must be much more interesting than a life of monotony.
Maybe it's because I've had so much time to myself the last few weeks that I'm delving this deeply into things. I've done pretty much nothing but work, researching grad schools, and vegging out. Maybe I'm getting cabin fever or something.
I also think another reason why I'm feeling so odd is that a couple days ago my grandmother and I found a box of old photographs at her house of when we all were little. The pictures aren't any newer than 1991, so I was pretty much reminded all over again of what my childhood was like, before my brother and sister were born, and when all three of us were little. There was a lot of playing outside, our parents reading to us before we went to bed, holidays, vacations, and spending time with the rest of our family. Since a lot of the pictures were ones my grandparents took of us, I noticed that the one, single place that hasn't really changed since we were little is their house. It looks *exactly* the same now as twenty years ago, except there are less toys on the floor, and my grandparents have gotten much older. I can step into their house now and can easily be transported back to childhood, which I never really realized before I actually saw photographs of it.
I also found some pictures of us in the hospital the day after my sister was born. I remember it vaguely - my brother, dad, and I went to visit my mom and baby sister in the hospital - August 22, 1989. Mom's bed was against a wall. We snuggled in with her and the baby, and she let us hold her. There's one picture especially that gets to me - Nate, three years old, is sitting on the bed with Laura laid in his lap, and I'm snuggled under the covers of the bed with just my face showing. Maybe it's because it's literally the first moment we're all a family together or something. Maybe I'm just being too philosophical. ;)
All through college I've had next to no confidence in my acting ability and talent, but now I realize, who really gives a fuck, except me? I've been worrying too much about what people think of me, especially the head of my department, but how much should one person's opinion really matter in dictating what I want to do? I realize a career in theatre is potentially devastating to my self-esteem, if I can't find work, but when I am working, it doesn't feel like work at all - it's like I'd rather do nothing else. I've decided that a life of highs and lows must be much more interesting than a life of monotony.
Maybe it's because I've had so much time to myself the last few weeks that I'm delving this deeply into things. I've done pretty much nothing but work, researching grad schools, and vegging out. Maybe I'm getting cabin fever or something.
I also think another reason why I'm feeling so odd is that a couple days ago my grandmother and I found a box of old photographs at her house of when we all were little. The pictures aren't any newer than 1991, so I was pretty much reminded all over again of what my childhood was like, before my brother and sister were born, and when all three of us were little. There was a lot of playing outside, our parents reading to us before we went to bed, holidays, vacations, and spending time with the rest of our family. Since a lot of the pictures were ones my grandparents took of us, I noticed that the one, single place that hasn't really changed since we were little is their house. It looks *exactly* the same now as twenty years ago, except there are less toys on the floor, and my grandparents have gotten much older. I can step into their house now and can easily be transported back to childhood, which I never really realized before I actually saw photographs of it.
I also found some pictures of us in the hospital the day after my sister was born. I remember it vaguely - my brother, dad, and I went to visit my mom and baby sister in the hospital - August 22, 1989. Mom's bed was against a wall. We snuggled in with her and the baby, and she let us hold her. There's one picture especially that gets to me - Nate, three years old, is sitting on the bed with Laura laid in his lap, and I'm snuggled under the covers of the bed with just my face showing. Maybe it's because it's literally the first moment we're all a family together or something. Maybe I'm just being too philosophical. ;)