Circles
I have done a myriad of things, most of them the hindsight equivalent of BASE jumping.
There was a period when I really wanted to BASE jump. I confessed the desire to summit El Cap and when the words left my mouth, I realized I was only trying to tie him to me tighter. To his credit, he didn’t believe me. Was I the one let go loosely? Was I the one he never expected to hold until she crashed and burned?
I‘ve never thought about that until now. He always held the power and i gave myself up to that reality as soon as i crossed his threshold. But was that real? I let him take the reins - he choked me until i passed out several times (I have always accredited how bogged down my brain is to pot, but what if it is him? Whether he knew what he was doing? Or not.)
I gave him a HUGE amount of power over me. I assumed he was bigger, stronger, faster, craftier than me. That whatever I tried would be foiled in a moment because he read me so well. Maybe he did and maybe he didn’t. I don’t know. Suddenly, today, in 2022, I’m feeling like I might have had so much more power in that relationship than I thought. By the same token, that could be completely untrue and I’m just suddenly realizing what I gave up each and every time I i visited, either willingly or unconsciously. Maybe that’s why we couldn’t quit each other, because I had more power and didn’t know it and gave in to him, he with nothing and we were intoxicated with whatever witches brew that was.
I admit, there was something, but aside from size, the sex was nothing. Now I can’t even trust the thoughts I had back then. It felt like a drug, to not be able to let him go, even to the extent that other people could be forgotten.
I don’t know that anymore. I’m so glad.