(no subject)
I get to go home in 2 days. Back to California. Back to the place where so much drama has taken so much from me this year. I know I let it, I let it consume me in all ways. I already feel my heart turning cold, something that I tried so hard to avoid since the last time it happened. I know it's because, no matter how much I know, I can't forgive myself for all that I have done. I haven't found the way to get through everything, accept it, and get over it.
It's not that I don't like myself, I just don't like what I have allowed myself to become. I don't like that I know I'm faking every action, every word, and every moment right now. I don't like that the one thing that I know would make me happy again... Has just a small chance of happening. I feel so small, so worthless, so pointless. I feel pathetic, just wishing for that one simple action, word, moment to happen. To make things better. I hate that I need that forgiveness in order to forgive myself.
The next two days will be a stepping stone into seeing what shall happen.
On another note, I really wish that I had a couple hundred dollars to spare right now. Right now, if I did, I would be getting a tattoo in remembrance of my Grandaddy. I want that tattoo so much, because he meant so much. I also, kinda just want the pain and sick satisfaction that a tattoo brings to me.
It's not that I don't like myself, I just don't like what I have allowed myself to become. I don't like that I know I'm faking every action, every word, and every moment right now. I don't like that the one thing that I know would make me happy again... Has just a small chance of happening. I feel so small, so worthless, so pointless. I feel pathetic, just wishing for that one simple action, word, moment to happen. To make things better. I hate that I need that forgiveness in order to forgive myself.
The next two days will be a stepping stone into seeing what shall happen.
On another note, I really wish that I had a couple hundred dollars to spare right now. Right now, if I did, I would be getting a tattoo in remembrance of my Grandaddy. I want that tattoo so much, because he meant so much. I also, kinda just want the pain and sick satisfaction that a tattoo brings to me.