(no subject)
I think I should start using my live journal as much as I use to years ago. I guess it's just been that for the last couple years, I haven't really be able to express my feelings about certain things as well as I would've liked to. Mostly due to having bottled so much of those feelings inside until I've become just a jumbled mess of words that I couldn't get out. I don't want to be that anymore, it just makes things so much harder. It makes me feel as if the slight insanity that I, personally, hold inside (as does everyone alive), is overwhelming and hard to escape. I would much rather be able to just get it all out, and be free of everything from the moment it attacks.
This year, hasn't been the greatest. The past 3 months have been some of the most miserable 3 months I have faced in probably 2 years. I have come to realize that one person who should care the most about me, doesn't truly know who I am. Also, that person doesn't even seem to want to bother to get to know the awesome - although odd - person that I truly am. That person would be my father. My father and I have never had a great relationship. I have definitely hidden memories of my childhood (probably even up until 18) deep into my sub-conscious, but I have come to realize that is my brain's survival mechanism. I don't dwell on the fact that I can't remember things that are probably important. Nor the fact that the little bits I may remember don't even seem as if they were ever truly a part of my life. Back to topic, though. I've been living with my dad since July 10th of this year, due to some issues that came up while living in Los Angeles. I realized that LA wasn't really the place I should've been living, since moving from there, but I do tend to miss aspects of living there. Mainly the fact that I was close to some awesome people, and things that I truly did enjoy. Since I have lived here it has been a constant struggle. First with "friends", second with finding a job, always with money (lack thereof), third with staying focused on school, and lastly with my dad treating me as if I am less than human.
I don't deserve it, so I've become a shell of the person I really want to be. The only moments I get to truly be myself is when I spend time with my mother, or my really close friends who know and love me for who I am. I have also spent many more hours on the computer than I have wanted to in years, due to the fact that all my friends live in this computer. By that, I obviously mean that this has been the main basis of my communication and sanity. Recently my dad and I started "communicating" through letters being left. It started with me telling him that I needed gas money for driving to job interviews and then progressed. The other night, I wrote him a more detailed letter - letting him into my life a little bit, and the reason I have been doing, or feeling the way I have. Needless to say, instead of taking what was being offered (a chance to change his aspect of looking at who I "am" and maybe repairing this damaged relationship), I came home to a very cruel reply where it mainly stated that I'm "making excuses". I'm sorry, I don't work like you do. I'm sorry that I'm not what you want me to be and do things the way you want me to do them.
Actually, I'm not sorry at all. I always tend to apologize for being the person that I am, when I finally let down my facade that I hold up when getting to know new people. The moment most people see that I might not be the greatest person in the world, they don't bother to stick around. Those who do have realized that, although I am very hard to get to know, if you prove to me you're worthwhile I'm a really awesome person. I do know my faults, let's face it I'm rediculous and retarded, very odd, stubborn, sometimes an amazing (and by that I mean horrible) drunk when I drink too much. Otherwise I am the most loyal person, compassionate, understanding, I will always listen to anything that is going on in someone's life and give them my "words of wisdom", and genuinely care. I'm not sorry for not being everyone's ideal of "perfection" because I'm not fucking perfect. I love that I'm not perfect. I love that I'm a terrible drunk sometimes and wake up some mornings either going "fuck, I have to apologize to ______ for ______" or, "where the fuck did this bruise/cut/whatever other pain come from?" Yes, I feel like a retard, and often vow to never drink that much again. But, I've come to realize that drinking has been my escape from things that I just don't feel like facing at the moment this year. I've been here before, back in 2004, and it's not always the best place. I've gotten out of it before, I know that I'm strong enough to get out of it again. Infact, I've already started. That doesn't mean that if something crucial happens that I won't be retarded once again... I accept it. I just look for the people who know that about me and don't let it affect that they love me. For me.
I just really hate the fact that I was able to e-mail my dad back a, pretty fucking wretched response, and do it so easily. That the words were typed so thoroughly, easily, and fast. I don't like ripping people apart and tearing them down with words and feelings that aren't nice. I don't really like being a mean person, especially if I love the person in any way. But I did it. Knowingly. I'm pretty much afraid of what the outcome of that e-mail will be when he comes home tonight, because I know that I don't have enough gas money to drive away to a safe place. I'm sick of staying cooped up in this miserable excuse for a room. With a computer, music, im, and sometimes a phone call to make me feel as if I'm not alone here.
However, there are brighter aspects to what the past 3 months have done to me. I just acquired a job for an awesome company that I have loved for 2 years, out in Los Angeles. I will never move out there again, but I will work there. My hours - through Halloween - are going to be anywhere between 12pm - 12am (as long as it's an 8 hr shift). I enjoy that because I know I won't have to face the horrid LA traffic. Also, I have more freedom. After Halloween is over I believe I'm going to take a 10A - 630P shift. I don't hit traffic coming in, and I can just spend some time with LA people for awhile afterwards, or catch some dinner.
On the 19th of this month, I'll be living in Fullerton in a pretty decent apartment. Very cheap for the area/location and the fact that it's Southern California. My mom will end up moving into the apartment with me in a couple months, which works for me. Thankfully my mom and I have always had a best friend relationship, and I know that she's truly the only person in this world (currently) who knows me for what I am, accepts me for everything, and loves me unconditionally. If I ever end up in another relationship I want it to be similar to my mom and I. In the meaning that I want someone who knows all that I am, accepts it, and still loves me. That's another story for another time...
I'm knowing that these next 2 weeks are going to be difficult, but I will make it through them with my head held high. I will succeed, because that is the only thing that I know how to do in life. Even if it's only succeeding in living day-to-day, I've made it this far for a reason. I know what I want in everything that is to come, and I will make sure I get it. Road blocks and speed bumps are the normal things that try to block a path, or slow you down. It's knowing you will get around them and speed up afterwards that makes it all worthwhile.
This year, hasn't been the greatest. The past 3 months have been some of the most miserable 3 months I have faced in probably 2 years. I have come to realize that one person who should care the most about me, doesn't truly know who I am. Also, that person doesn't even seem to want to bother to get to know the awesome - although odd - person that I truly am. That person would be my father. My father and I have never had a great relationship. I have definitely hidden memories of my childhood (probably even up until 18) deep into my sub-conscious, but I have come to realize that is my brain's survival mechanism. I don't dwell on the fact that I can't remember things that are probably important. Nor the fact that the little bits I may remember don't even seem as if they were ever truly a part of my life. Back to topic, though. I've been living with my dad since July 10th of this year, due to some issues that came up while living in Los Angeles. I realized that LA wasn't really the place I should've been living, since moving from there, but I do tend to miss aspects of living there. Mainly the fact that I was close to some awesome people, and things that I truly did enjoy. Since I have lived here it has been a constant struggle. First with "friends", second with finding a job, always with money (lack thereof), third with staying focused on school, and lastly with my dad treating me as if I am less than human.
I don't deserve it, so I've become a shell of the person I really want to be. The only moments I get to truly be myself is when I spend time with my mother, or my really close friends who know and love me for who I am. I have also spent many more hours on the computer than I have wanted to in years, due to the fact that all my friends live in this computer. By that, I obviously mean that this has been the main basis of my communication and sanity. Recently my dad and I started "communicating" through letters being left. It started with me telling him that I needed gas money for driving to job interviews and then progressed. The other night, I wrote him a more detailed letter - letting him into my life a little bit, and the reason I have been doing, or feeling the way I have. Needless to say, instead of taking what was being offered (a chance to change his aspect of looking at who I "am" and maybe repairing this damaged relationship), I came home to a very cruel reply where it mainly stated that I'm "making excuses". I'm sorry, I don't work like you do. I'm sorry that I'm not what you want me to be and do things the way you want me to do them.
Actually, I'm not sorry at all. I always tend to apologize for being the person that I am, when I finally let down my facade that I hold up when getting to know new people. The moment most people see that I might not be the greatest person in the world, they don't bother to stick around. Those who do have realized that, although I am very hard to get to know, if you prove to me you're worthwhile I'm a really awesome person. I do know my faults, let's face it I'm rediculous and retarded, very odd, stubborn, sometimes an amazing (and by that I mean horrible) drunk when I drink too much. Otherwise I am the most loyal person, compassionate, understanding, I will always listen to anything that is going on in someone's life and give them my "words of wisdom", and genuinely care. I'm not sorry for not being everyone's ideal of "perfection" because I'm not fucking perfect. I love that I'm not perfect. I love that I'm a terrible drunk sometimes and wake up some mornings either going "fuck, I have to apologize to ______ for ______" or, "where the fuck did this bruise/cut/whatever other pain come from?" Yes, I feel like a retard, and often vow to never drink that much again. But, I've come to realize that drinking has been my escape from things that I just don't feel like facing at the moment this year. I've been here before, back in 2004, and it's not always the best place. I've gotten out of it before, I know that I'm strong enough to get out of it again. Infact, I've already started. That doesn't mean that if something crucial happens that I won't be retarded once again... I accept it. I just look for the people who know that about me and don't let it affect that they love me. For me.
I just really hate the fact that I was able to e-mail my dad back a, pretty fucking wretched response, and do it so easily. That the words were typed so thoroughly, easily, and fast. I don't like ripping people apart and tearing them down with words and feelings that aren't nice. I don't really like being a mean person, especially if I love the person in any way. But I did it. Knowingly. I'm pretty much afraid of what the outcome of that e-mail will be when he comes home tonight, because I know that I don't have enough gas money to drive away to a safe place. I'm sick of staying cooped up in this miserable excuse for a room. With a computer, music, im, and sometimes a phone call to make me feel as if I'm not alone here.
However, there are brighter aspects to what the past 3 months have done to me. I just acquired a job for an awesome company that I have loved for 2 years, out in Los Angeles. I will never move out there again, but I will work there. My hours - through Halloween - are going to be anywhere between 12pm - 12am (as long as it's an 8 hr shift). I enjoy that because I know I won't have to face the horrid LA traffic. Also, I have more freedom. After Halloween is over I believe I'm going to take a 10A - 630P shift. I don't hit traffic coming in, and I can just spend some time with LA people for awhile afterwards, or catch some dinner.
On the 19th of this month, I'll be living in Fullerton in a pretty decent apartment. Very cheap for the area/location and the fact that it's Southern California. My mom will end up moving into the apartment with me in a couple months, which works for me. Thankfully my mom and I have always had a best friend relationship, and I know that she's truly the only person in this world (currently) who knows me for what I am, accepts me for everything, and loves me unconditionally. If I ever end up in another relationship I want it to be similar to my mom and I. In the meaning that I want someone who knows all that I am, accepts it, and still loves me. That's another story for another time...
I'm knowing that these next 2 weeks are going to be difficult, but I will make it through them with my head held high. I will succeed, because that is the only thing that I know how to do in life. Even if it's only succeeding in living day-to-day, I've made it this far for a reason. I know what I want in everything that is to come, and I will make sure I get it. Road blocks and speed bumps are the normal things that try to block a path, or slow you down. It's knowing you will get around them and speed up afterwards that makes it all worthwhile.